Are you a control freak?

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phedre81 -> Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 7:35:19 PM)
So, in another thread, someone made the comment that most subs are control freaks. And immediately, a part of me started to argue with that, and yet, another part of me realized that it's really, really true, at least of me, and i think it really is the reason that i have a tendency to want a lot of rules. So, I'm curious--do you find yourselves struggling with the control freak in you? I guess maybe this is akin to topping from the bottom, which I know I'm wont to do. How does this play out for you? How much of your relationship dynamics are in place so that you can control things? Me, I'm tempted to brat. And that's hard for me to say, b/c I truly want to be...submitted. But...when in the situation, I find myself much more likely to test boundaries, see what the Top will do. I'm not proud of that, but that does tend to be my way of trying to control a situation. Anyone else?

RRafe -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 7:44:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phedre81 So, in another thread, someone made the comment that most subs are control freaks. And immediately, a part of me started to argue with that, and yet, another part of me realized that it's really, really true, at least of me, and i think it really is the reason that i have a tendency to want a lot of rules. So, I'm curious--do you find yourselves struggling with the control freak in you? I guess maybe this is akin to topping from the bottom, which I know I'm wont to do. How does this play out for you? How much of your relationship dynamics are in place so that you can control things? Me, I'm tempted to brat. And that's hard for me to say, b/c I truly want to be...submitted. But...when in the situation, I find myself much more likely to test boundaries, see what the Top will do. I'm not proud of that, but that does tend to be my way of trying to control a situation. Anyone else? From the top end,a lot of 'subs" seem to have the fantasy that they get to set up a lot of structure-because this is going to keep them "safe" from the "master" Which is being a control freak-you use the rules to control the top. And set up a lot of other criteria that they have to meet. Which is why this sort of person comes absolutley unglued when confronted with "slaves" who don't really give a rat's ass about that-Ownership means that they take total responsibility for giving themselves-and the use of themselves. With no hoops to jump through-no hidden control agendas-pure submission-not just something that plays at it.

slaveluci -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 7:44:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phedre81 So, in another thread, someone made the comment that most subs are control freaks Yup. I believe LA said it and I would agree with that as far as for me in many situations, esp. in my professional life quote: do you find yourselves struggling with the control freak in you? I guess maybe this is akin to topping from the bottom Often, I do find myself struggling with that but not necessarily in my relationship with Master. Our definition of "topping from the bottom" is our own and may not match yours or others' but it's not something I want or tend to do. As I said, in my professional life, control is much more necessary for me. quote: How much of your relationship dynamics are in place so that you can control things? None. quote: Me, I'm tempted to brat....when in the situation, I find myself much more likely to test boundaries, see what the Top will do. I'm not proud of that, but that does tend to be my way of trying to control a situation I certainly can't say the same of myself. I wasn't a brat when I was a tot and I'm certainly not now[;)]. I never test or push just to see if I can get control. The tendencies I have to want to be in control don't come into play hardly at all with Master. Something about our interaction just makes me more able to submit to Him and I don't know exactly how to put it into words. I actually find it very refreshing that I can give up that control that I usually find so comforting when I am with Him. He controls things and He makes many of the decisions and I'm not responsible for them. It's a nice break from what I do out in the world outside our home each day[:)]...............luci

MadRabbit -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 7:59:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phedre81 Me, I'm tempted to brat. And that's hard for me to say, b/c I truly want to be...submitted. But...when in the situation, I find myself much more likely to test boundaries, see what the Top will do. I'm not proud of that, but that does tend to be my way of trying to control a situation. This is such a good way to not get invited back for another date with me.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:08:12 PM)
It's totally true. WE are the ones who want the rules and the safety of rituals and WE are the ones who constantly stack ourselves up in our heads and we can do it perfectly 99 times but it's that 100th freakin time that we never let go of. WE are the ones who get all aflutter and insecure when rules are forgotten, when something goes out of place. Not all of course- and not that vanillas or doms don't also enjoy it and can be control freaks themselves. But in my experience, non-control freak s-types are very much the minority. http://www.collarchat.com/m_517295/mpage_2/key_ocd/tm.htm#517508 perfectionist http://www.collarchat.com/m_630650/mpage_1/key_ocd/tm.htm#630650 trichitillomania http://www.collarchat.com/m_780796/mpage_1/key_ocd/tm.htm#780863 calling all perfectionist submissives

Kaiynasha -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:10:18 PM)
Honestly, I question the motive and agenda of any sub who states they want to submit but goes bratting around. I do not stand for subs trying to Top from the bottom. Some subs get off on this and for me it is unappealing. Second, bratting for the sake of bratting for is simply a waste of my good time and energy. If I have a sub who brats because it is a bad day or something is going on- that is one thing, but to be thrilled with seeing what the Domme is going to do, I would send the to sub to the door. To me submission is not just about gratification and pleasure and thrills.

MidnightMaiden -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:11:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe From the top end,a lot of 'subs" seem to have the fantasy that they get to set up a lot of structure-because this is going to keep them "safe" from the "master" Which is being a control freak-you use the rules to control the top. And set up a lot of other criteria that they have to meet. Which is why this sort of person comes absolutley unglued when confronted with "slaves" who don't really give a rat's ass about that-Ownership means that they take total responsibility for giving themselves-and the use of themselves. With no hoops to jump through-no hidden control agendas-pure submission-not just something that plays at it. Before entering into service I outlined my hard rules. I could only think of a few, and he agreed he would never trespass those (things like incestual situations with my daughter for example). Once committed, I would never tell him how to treat me, other than to be honest and say I appreciate that, I didn't like that etc. A control freak controls their circumstances so they feel stable and secure, even if it is a shaky platform they build. It's all about creating an environment they can feel secure in... control for them is security. My collar for me is security, I achieved that by giving up my control to another but as I see it the mechanics remain the same? Even in not knowing what to expect one day to another with him, I know at the end of the day I remain his prized possession, that's my constant, that's my security, that's my/his control mechanism. Is that loony?

RRafe -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:15:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightMaiden quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe From the top end,a lot of 'subs" seem to have the fantasy that they get to set up a lot of structure-because this is going to keep them "safe" from the "master" Which is being a control freak-you use the rules to control the top. And set up a lot of other criteria that they have to meet. Which is why this sort of person comes absolutley unglued when confronted with "slaves" who don't really give a rat's ass about that-Ownership means that they take total responsibility for giving themselves-and the use of themselves. With no hoops to jump through-no hidden control agendas-pure submission-not just something that plays at it. Before entering into service I outlined my hard rules. I could only think of a few, and he agreed he would never trespass those (things like incestual situations with my daughter for example). Once committed, I would never tell him how to treat me, other than to be honest and say I appreciate that, I didn't like that etc. A control freak controls their circumstances so they feel stable and secure, even if it is a shaky platform they build. It's all about creating an environment they can feel secure in... control for them is security. My collar for me is security, I achieved that by giving up my control to another but as I see it the mechanics remain the same? Even in not knowing what to expect one day to another with him, I know at the end of the day I remain his prized possession, that's my constant, that's my security, that's my/his control mechanism. Is that loony? I prefer situations that are based on practical valuation. Rather than some romantic freaky concept that favors a woman's "right to be insecure and controlling". Most of what I see called submission in places like this-is such a total lie. Why do you think I keep telling people...."pull your silly heads out of your fantasy sphincters-and get real?"[;)]

Shawn1066 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:19:55 PM)
I'm, quite surprisingly I might add, am not a control freak when it comes to my submission.

MidnightMaiden -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:24:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe Most of what I see called submission in places like this-is such a total lie. Why do you think I keep telling people...."pull your silly heads out of your fantasy sphincters-and get real?"[;)] checks sphincter only dark, dark fantasies in there [;)]

ownedgirlie -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 9:34:40 PM)
I used to try to control everything because everything was so out of control. But I never had a good foundation in which to do this, so I wasn't very good at it. My Master came along and could immediately out-control me, and that was precisely what I needed, and what he wanted. At work, I'm in control of things, as well as with my family. My control-freak issues (if you could call them that - I think they're more OCD issues than anything) mostly come into play when doing a task for my Master - I want to get it perfect. I've stayed up all night, creating spreadsheets of comparisons and analysis just so that he could wake up to everything he ever needed to know about what he was looking for, laid out in a clean and simple manner, and not have to wait for it. The next time he wanted something like that from me, he said, "Go to bed by 2am and finish it tomorrow. You need sleep (I'm a night owl). So I had it all finished by 2am and he could wake up to it in the morning. I used to really really beat myself up when I couldn't get something right, but recently have realized, unless he deems it a problem, I am only giving him a problem to deal with and interfering in my submission to him by not getting over it and moving on, so I don't get hung up on those things anymore.

Willowmoon -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/5/2007 10:12:57 PM)
I don't think I am a control feak. I need and want rules in our dynamic but thats more so that I know what is expected of me. Willow

mya75 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 12:20:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phedre81 So, in another thread, someone made the comment that most subs are control freaks. And immediately, a part of me started to argue with that, and yet, another part of me realized that it's really, really true, at least of me, and i think it really is the reason that i have a tendency to want a lot of rules. So, I'm curious--do you find yourselves struggling with the control freak in you? I guess maybe this is akin to topping from the bottom, which I know I'm wont to do. How does this play out for you? How much of your relationship dynamics are in place so that you can control things? I dont find myself to be a control freak at all I like guidance and structure how my Mentor/Owner decides to set those things are totally up to him..I have yet to meet someone who felt it was controlling of me to ask and seek out guidance in those things I feel I cant control...My Mentor would probably say I am a perfectionist and overly attentive when it comes to serving. I think I am that way so I dont make silly mistakes.When I enter into a relationship I have my hard limits which are based on things I deem morally wrong all else is definately open for play and discussion I kinda take it as "you live and you learn" not all Owners administer things the same way that is why I dont neccesarily have a long list of things I will and wont do...I try to keep things simple...As far as bratting & testing boundaries goes I dont see anything interesting in doing it... personally I view it as topping from the bottom.....nice thread Me, I'm tempted to brat. And that's hard for me to say, b/c I truly want to be...submitted. But...when in the situation, I find myself much more likely to test boundaries, see what the Top will do. I'm not proud of that, but that does tend to be my way of trying to control a situation. Anyone else?

eyesopened -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 2:54:43 AM)
i remember when i was a little girl and my dad was teaching me how to swim, he started out with me learning to relax and float. He started with me laying across his arms and when i was fully relaxed, he lowered his arms and i was floating. When i panicked, i began to sink but his arms always caught me. Soon i was floating and swimming on my own but with the full assurance and trust that i would be caught if i got into trouble. It is a version of the above that i sought in my submission. So that now, even when Master and i are apart, i sense His arms there to catch me, that He is in control even when not physically present. Yes, i swim on my own but His arms are always there in my heart. i would never want to disappoint Him, i have no need to control beyond what i am required to do to be the best possible employee, supervisor, mother, grandmother, etc. i control my own actions, i do not control His.

BeingChewsie -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 5:44:42 AM)
Quick reply: I'm a control freak. I like structure, order, a very short leash. It is a simple thing to handle, I just don't get into relationships with people that don't share my beliefs on power disparity in relationships. R is much stronger(and a bigger control freak) than I am in that department which is why we work so well.

lateralist1 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 6:49:55 AM)
I dislike rukes intensely so I need a sub who doesn't need too many. For me submission comes from the heart. And no amount of rules can make it happen. If the intention is to please he will listen and learn how to do it. Brats annoy me. However smart arses are great as long as they don't take it too far.

junecleaver -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 7:28:31 AM)
One of my (vanilla) mentors called me a control freak, which suprised me because I avoid responsibility and having control in every day life as much as possible. He basically said, 'You are a control freak. You don't even need to be in control. But you have to have established who is in control and what they are in control of or you cannot be comfortable in a situation.' Which is very true. I know my Dominant is in control of our relationship and it allows me to be more comfortable within that structure. It made me laugh a little inside, because he knows nothing about BDSM. So I'm not sure if that qualifies me as a control freak.

treehugger42 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 7:53:23 AM)
This is interesting... I guess I tend to brat a little bit, but he lets me know when it's too much sass and not cute anymore, and I shut up. I crave rules and micromanagement as much as the next submissive. Please, lots and lots of rules. I guess in my last relationship, where the D/s dynamic was not so constant or strong, it made me crazy not to have them. I crave them just as much now, but I always know who's master, so it's not as tinged with desperation... frankly, I'm in it to please him, so if it doesn't please him to have to check up on a bunch of rules/tasks for me, then I'm not going to beg for them. Still a pretty new relationship, though, so I guess we'll see...

RRafe -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:06:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: treehugger42 This is interesting... I guess I tend to brat a little bit, but he lets me know when it's too much sass and not cute anymore, and I shut up. I crave rules and micromanagement as much as the next submissive. Please, lots and lots of rules. I guess in my last relationship, where the D/s dynamic was not so constant or strong, it made me crazy not to have them. I crave them just as much now, but I always know who's master, so it's not as tinged with desperation... frankly, I'm in it to please him, so if it doesn't please him to have to check up on a bunch of rules/tasks for me, then I'm not going to beg for them. Still a pretty new relationship, though, so I guess we'll see... I have exactly two slave rules.. keep my property functioning in top form. Keep it available to use how I want to use it. Best way I have found to NOT be the slave of the slave-so to speak.

MadRabbit -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:14:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe I prefer situations that are based on practical valuation. Rather than some romantic freaky concept that favors a woman's "right to be insecure and controlling". Most of what I see called submission in places like this-is such a total lie. Why do you think I keep telling people...."pull your silly heads out of your fantasy sphincters-and get real?"[;)] To me, its just annoying and not anything I am interested in. My enjoyment in a M/S relationship is getting things the way I want them and molding a person's behaviors to my tastes. I generally look for a person with a genuine desire to please and to serve as opposed to someone with a desire to be controlled. In my experiences with dating, these people are hard to find, because even though 99% of submissives and slaves will claim they want to serve and be pleasing, its bullshit for many. They are interested in being controlled, they want a ton of rules, they want those rules to be reinforced, and they want them to be reinforced their way. This is how I primarily make the distinction between my definition of a slave and my defintion of a submissive. The desire to serve and please as opposed to the desire to be dominated. I love and enjoy control and domination as a fetish, but someone who has a constant need for reinforcement and control every waking moment of the day is just simply annoying to me. I have no interest in serving as a domination object. I want things done my way, I want improvement, and I want results, not a constant struggle to get things my way from a partner solely seeking to get their discipline and control fetish fulfilled. The control games are the biggest red flag with me and I won't put up with them for long. They simply ruin the fabric of a relationship that would otherwise go smoothly and be completely fulfillng and enjoyable if they would simply take responsibility for their own obedience.

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