RE: Are you a control freak?

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MrSpectacular -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 7:15:58 PM)
I am not a control freak as long as I am in control. To answer the original poster though - she seems to have a paradoxical situation that must be utterly confusing for her. She wants to be a sub -but wants to push rules and boundaries. My question is would you not be better off in a vanilla relationship when you have more of an ebb and flow of a power dynamic.

BeingChewsie -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:29:18 PM)
Great question. I avoid this by not gettng into relationships with men I can control. Which is why I said I need a man stronger than myself..he has to fall on the far end of the spectrum in terms of his dominance and desire to exert it. I never tell R what to do, he wouldn't listen. What I did was find a man who's desire for power surpasses my own need to be owned and managed. It is really very simple. It is about compatibility and knowing who you are what you need. quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe General question. How does one try to justify controlling the controller? Shouldc you tell your Top what to do? And this is NOT about pre agreed hard limits.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 9:30:58 PM)
And I completely agree with toservez- I do hope you all realize how awesome she is.

cautiousiasub -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 9:40:18 PM)
~fast reply~ Yes, I can be a control freak. I maintain control of my home, my UM, my day-to-day activities, etc. This need to control tend to drive people around me crazy-I can get a little neurotic-but it does not carry over into my D/s relationship. That is the only time I feel safe and secure enough to give up that control and hand it over to my Master. I trust him to maintain that control in the relationship, and that gives me the freedom to let go of the control that I hold such tight reigns on in every other aspect of my life. I do not try to control my Master, and don't try to top from the bottom.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 10:11:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie I used to try to control everything because everything was so out of control. But I never had a good foundation in which to do this, so I wasn't very good at it. My Master came along and could immediately out-control me, and that was precisely what I needed, and what he wanted. <snip> that is so awesome...and sounds soooo much like me, it is scary... Hi chelle, Don't be scared - be hopeful! :) quote: quote: I used to really really beat myself up when I couldn't get something right, but recently have realized, unless he deems it a problem, I am only giving him a problem to deal with and interfering in my submission to him by not getting over it and moving on, so I don't get hung up on those things anymore. i am learning this lesson....slowly but surely.... It took me a very long time to learn this. Be patient with yourself, but also know that beating yourself up only perpetuates the problem. Feeling badly about something is one thing; letting it interfere is another. It took me years to realize that, though.

RRafe -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 10:43:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie Great question. I avoid this by not gettng into relationships with men I can control. Which is why I said I need a man stronger than myself..he has to fall on the far end of the spectrum in terms of his dominance and desire to exert it. I never tell R what to do, he wouldn't listen. What I did was find a man who's desire for power surpasses my own need to be owned and managed. It is really very simple. It is about compatibility and knowing who you are what you need. quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe General question. How does one try to justify controlling the controller? Shouldc you tell your Top what to do? And this is NOT about pre agreed hard limits. Right, and a man that would tell you "My way or the highway" and mean it.......is the only one that would do.

Focus50 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 1:47:37 AM)
D/s is about a control dynamic. I've often referred to myself as a control freak yet had vanilla acquaintances "insult" me by accusing me of being a control freak, too! And they're right - it is a slur within a vanilla or egalitarian dynamic or context. Of course I don't explain my D/s proclivities to those who wouldn't understand, so I just laugh it off.... Point is, if my partner doesn't have a complementing need to be controlled (which qualifies her as a control freak, too), then I'm in the dubious waters of being a potential abuser etc.... And I'm way too much of a sweetheart to be that! Proudly a Dominant control freak within the lifestyle but I don't talk about it with my vanilla friends and rellies.... Focus.

Sunao -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 2:01:54 AM)
I wouldn't say I'm a control freak. I like the structure the rules give and knowing what I need to do provide a happy enviroment for my owner. But I don't have much room to speak

Focus50 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 2:15:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe I prefer situations that are based on practical valuation. Rather than some romantic freaky concept that favors a woman's "right to be insecure and controlling". Most of what I see called submission in places like this-is such a total lie. Why do you think I keep telling people...."pull your silly heads out of your fantasy sphincters-and get real?"[;)] To me, its just annoying and not anything I am interested in. My enjoyment in a M/S relationship is getting things the way I want them and molding a person's behaviors to my tastes. I generally look for a person with a genuine desire to please and to serve as opposed to someone with a desire to be controlled. In my experiences with dating, these people are hard to find, because even though 99% of submissives and slaves will claim they want to serve and be pleasing, its bullshit for many. They are interested in being controlled, they want a ton of rules, they want those rules to be reinforced, and they want them to be reinforced their way. This is how I primarily make the distinction between my definition of a slave and my defintion of a submissive. The desire to serve and please as opposed to the desire to be dominated. I love and enjoy control and domination as a fetish, but someone who has a constant need for reinforcement and control every waking moment of the day is just simply annoying to me. I have no interest in serving as a domination object. I want things done my way, I want improvement, and I want results, not a constant struggle to get things my way from a partner solely seeking to get their discipline and control fetish fulfilled. The control games are the biggest red flag with me and I won't put up with them for long. They simply ruin the fabric of a relationship that would otherwise go smoothly and be completely fulfillng and enjoyable if they would simply take responsibility for their own obedience. Quite an impressive description of passive "dominance".... Tagging yourself as "dominant" is your contribution to a D/s dynamic and the rest is up to the sub to prove through her eternal service/actions that she's submissive, right? This is why I often refer to D/s as a dynamic! It's my experience that the average sub who tests boundaries; is bratty etc, is not looking to control the relationship but looking/wanting to see if the "dom" can deliver on his end. IE, is capable of walking the talk! And usually when the Dom/me can deliver, the testing and brattiness etc is no longer an issue. I admire the OP's honesty in that last paragraph (the one you quoted with your first post). I don't see any red flag at all; just you having a lazy attitude.... I am Dom; hear me roar? But I don't hafta do or prove anything, right? wink Focus.

Celeste43 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 7:33:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit But when I first meet someone, I am watching their motivations. Are they interested in producing a result and accomplishing what I want? On a first meet? You expect them to prove themselves interested in doing what you want before you've proved yourself someone they like, trust, and have come to care enough about that they would want to invest this much in you? It appears to me, from what you're saying, that you're attempting to shorten the process involved of getting a relationship that is healthy for you. And I don't think this can be done. The time it takes to really learn about the other person can't be shortened. You simply need to spend a lot of time together to earn enough mutual trust that a safe environment develops where you can decide this is a good person who you would like to please.

MadRabbit -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 10:11:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe I prefer situations that are based on practical valuation. Rather than some romantic freaky concept that favors a woman's "right to be insecure and controlling". Most of what I see called submission in places like this-is such a total lie. Why do you think I keep telling people...."pull your silly heads out of your fantasy sphincters-and get real?"[;)] To me, its just annoying and not anything I am interested in. My enjoyment in a M/S relationship is getting things the way I want them and molding a person's behaviors to my tastes. I generally look for a person with a genuine desire to please and to serve as opposed to someone with a desire to be controlled. In my experiences with dating, these people are hard to find, because even though 99% of submissives and slaves will claim they want to serve and be pleasing, its bullshit for many. They are interested in being controlled, they want a ton of rules, they want those rules to be reinforced, and they want them to be reinforced their way. This is how I primarily make the distinction between my definition of a slave and my defintion of a submissive. The desire to serve and please as opposed to the desire to be dominated. I love and enjoy control and domination as a fetish, but someone who has a constant need for reinforcement and control every waking moment of the day is just simply annoying to me. I have no interest in serving as a domination object. I want things done my way, I want improvement, and I want results, not a constant struggle to get things my way from a partner solely seeking to get their discipline and control fetish fulfilled. The control games are the biggest red flag with me and I won't put up with them for long. They simply ruin the fabric of a relationship that would otherwise go smoothly and be completely fulfillng and enjoyable if they would simply take responsibility for their own obedience. Quite an impressive description of passive "dominance".... Tagging yourself as "dominant" is your contribution to a D/s dynamic and the rest is up to the sub to prove through her eternal service/actions that she's submissive, right? This is why I often refer to D/s as a dynamic! It's my experience that the average sub who tests boundaries; is bratty etc, is not looking to control the relationship but looking/wanting to see if the "dom" can deliver on his end. IE, is capable of walking the talk! And usually when the Dom/me can deliver, the testing and brattiness etc is no longer an issue. I admire the OP's honesty in that last paragraph (the one you quoted with your first post). I don't see any red flag at all; just you having a lazy attitude.... I am Dom; hear me roar? But I don't hafta do or prove anything, right? wink Focus. Actually, I prefer a relationship with a mix of passive and active dominance. I am not so silly as to think that I have to do nothing but sit on the couch and order beer cans (your pretty familiar with that I bet). However, I primarily look for a partner where obedience and submission happens on an internal level and is not completely dependant on external factors from me. Why? Because I happen to like consistant obedience and its my opinion the only way to get that is if the slave is willing to take responsibility for her own obedience on an internal level and not something conditional based on external factors. And hey, homie...I know this might sound crazy in your "Submissive never has any responsibility or does anything wrong world", but there is quite a few women my age out there who don't really care about being obedient or responsible and just care about feeling dominated or getting a spanking. See...if you had actually backed up and read everything I had wrritened as opposed to following your all too predictable behavior of trying to diss other dominants to make yourself look good, you would realize this wasn't a testimenant to purely passive dominance as I have said... quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Behavior modifcation, active dominance, and exertion of control are means to an end for me, the end being a person who has been molded into someone I find pleasing and satisfying. However, when the end is the means, then its pointless and not desirable to me, because its not about getting an end result. Call me lazy if you want to, bro, but if someone can't accomplish the simple request they agreed to of wearing certain clothes to date without me pushing, reinforcing, and dragging them along all because they want to feel how big and bad I am, thats not my ideal partner at all. If someone's motivation is to get reinforcers and feel my dominance through a series of control games and power struggles as opposed to just simply accomplishing what I want and making things run smoothly, I am not too interested in that person.

MadRabbit -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 10:21:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Celeste43 quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit But when I first meet someone, I am watching their motivations. Are they interested in producing a result and accomplishing what I want? On a first meet? You expect them to prove themselves interested in doing what you want before you've proved yourself someone they like, trust, and have come to care enough about that they would want to invest this much in you? It appears to me, from what you're saying, that you're attempting to shorten the process involved of getting a relationship that is healthy for you. And I don't think this can be done. The time it takes to really learn about the other person can't be shortened. You simply need to spend a lot of time together to earn enough mutual trust that a safe environment develops where you can decide this is a good person who you would like to please. I'm not that obtuse. I don't have many expectations, do realize things take time, and realize their is a whole assortment of boundaries that people have to get past. But...sometimes you meet people and realize they aren't right for you. I've met one or two people where it was clear they weren't really interested in getting to know me all that much. They were interested in being controlled, being controlled according to their fantasies, and being told what to do how they wanted to do. I simply am not interested in that and its a turn off. Beleive it or not, there is quite a few slaves and submissives out there, that if it doesnt get them hot, wet, or feeling satisfied, they aren't interested or really care.

TheHousewife -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 12:20:01 PM)
While I am only a sub in the bedroom, I have to admit I am a control freak everywhere else. I take care of everything domestic or business related and I think at the end of the day I want to be forced to let it go...give up...submit. Giving up control is a delicious feeling for me, add in some pain and I am putty in your hands. But during the day when I am in "Mommy" "Boss" and "Banker" mode forget it! I am a hard ass. I am starting to ponder the idea that perhaps I should be indentified as a switch [8\|]

charlotte12 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 4:07:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe Right, and a man that would tell you "My way or the highway" and mean it.......is the only one that would do. What if my Master tells me "My way or My way?" [:D]

daddyncherry -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/7/2007 7:52:51 PM)
i haven't read the other replies yet but this is a definite issue with me. Who knew? (not me until my Daddy pointed it out) i'm afraid of letting go....in many arenas....have a ton of fears, which i am learning, sometimes painfully, are a way of controlling things. Things that i had no idea where a way to control my environment, my mind, people's perception of me...sooo many ways that i just have such a hard time letting go of and learning to just BE... Edited to add: i don't ever conciously attempt to top from the bottom....i don't try to control my Daddy on any concious level at all...as a matter of fact, i tend to look to have more boundaries etc.....my way of controlling is more through fear or trying to control the way i look (to be up to LOL my own image of how i should be. Much the way that bullemia is an issue of control and not necessarily food (though on the surface you might not realize that)

Focus50 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/8/2007 12:49:30 AM)
And when I push this button.... lol quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Call me lazy if you want to, bro, but if someone can't accomplish the simple request they agreed to of wearing certain clothes to date without me pushing, reinforcing, and dragging them along all because they want to feel how big and bad I am, thats not my ideal partner at all. If someone's motivation is to get reinforcers and feel my dominance through a series of control games and power struggles as opposed to just simply accomplishing what I want and making things run smoothly, I am not too interested in that person. Seriously, its been awhile since I was a "been there; done that" 20yo; I simply never realised how many checks and balances you must go through just to agree to that first date (assuming you've made one, of course). Guess dating someone who seems at least peripherally likeable and compatible etc doesn't cut it in your generation, huh? bro (aka homie). And Focus, too.

KindLadyGrey -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/8/2007 12:55:28 PM)
I tend to keep careful control of all the things and forces in my life. It's exhausting, but I'm good at it. I'm not sure I'd say I'm a neurotic control freak; I don't get bent out of shape if I lose control of something (I just get it back!). I do, however, tend to be one of those "in control" people. Does this cause any conflict when I'm submitting? Hell no. I enjoy submission because it is the one time when I can let go of all that crap and let someone else have all the control. The hardest part is stepping back into my usual mindset afterwards. That's really depressing sometimes.

phedre81 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/8/2007 1:41:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MrSpectacular I am not a control freak as long as I am in control. To answer the original poster though - she seems to have a paradoxical situation that must be utterly confusing for her. She wants to be a sub -but wants to push rules and boundaries. My question is would you not be better off in a vanilla relationship when you have more of an ebb and flow of a power dynamic. It IS confusing for me, yes. The feeling of boundaries being enforced, the knowledge that they WILL be enforce, is one that makes me feel safe. I THINK that's b/c I'm a bit of a control freak. So, yes, sometimes, I push them, just to see if they'll be enforced. I consider that "topping from the bottom" or exercising control, in a way that it's really not my place to do so, b/c I'm trying to manipulate a response from my partner--I'm trying to manipulate them into enforcing rules. I do realize that makes me unattractive to many people here. Like I said, it's not something I'm proud of. But it gives me a sense of security, that I need sometimes. I'm growing as a sub, and currently, my partner, when I do that, simply says, "ah, the brat's back again, huh? well, i know how to deal with her," and she quite calmly dishes out some minor punishment, and tells me while she's doing it that she doesn't like my behavior, but is quite willing to show me as many times as I need to see it that rules will be enforced around here. I get that that's not most dominant's cup of tea, and I appreciate the reasons for that, also. And I DO agree, that true submission, means letting go of control. Of no longer needing to manipulate a situation so that I get that feeling of security I'm craving. I'm working towards that. ;)

Focus50 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/9/2007 1:10:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phedre81 quote: ORIGINAL: MrSpectacular I am not a control freak as long as I am in control. To answer the original poster though - she seems to have a paradoxical situation that must be utterly confusing for her. She wants to be a sub -but wants to push rules and boundaries. My question is would you not be better off in a vanilla relationship when you have more of an ebb and flow of a power dynamic. It IS confusing for me, yes. The feeling of boundaries being enforced, the knowledge that they WILL be enforce, is one that makes me feel safe. I THINK that's b/c I'm a bit of a control freak. So, yes, sometimes, I push them, just to see if they'll be enforced. I consider that "topping from the bottom" or exercising control, in a way that it's really not my place to do so, b/c I'm trying to manipulate a response from my partner--I'm trying to manipulate them into enforcing rules. I do realize that makes me unattractive to many people here. Like I said, it's not something I'm proud of. But it gives me a sense of security, that I need sometimes. I'm growing as a sub, and currently, my partner, when I do that, simply says, "ah, the brat's back again, huh? well, i know how to deal with her," and she quite calmly dishes out some minor punishment, and tells me while she's doing it that she doesn't like my behavior, but is quite willing to show me as many times as I need to see it that rules will be enforced around here. I get that that's not most dominant's cup of tea, and I appreciate the reasons for that, also. And I DO agree, that true submission, means letting go of control. Of no longer needing to manipulate a situation so that I get that feeling of security I'm craving. I'm working towards that. ;) In my real time experience of having owned several submissives over the years, I think this shows you to be quite "normal". Frankly, I think those who see red flags in a bit of initial reluctance, insecurity, attitude or brattiness etc are mired in dom theory and haven't even met a living/breathing submissive. Trust hasta be earnt; it ain't gonna happen on a first date; maybe not even the fourth.... Yorta give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. It ain't necessary and not even your job.... lol Focus.

phedre81 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/9/2007 1:17:23 PM)
Thanks, Focus--one of the things I work on is being a tad too hard on myself. I'm not afraid to admit that I have flaws; in fact, I like to admit them to my partner, so they can be corrected, so we can take steps to help me grow to be more pleasing. I DO find this frustrating, around here, though (though, I haven't been here, long, so I could be misunderstanding)--I know it's not right to want to control the situation, or control my relationship, but...I still try to do it sometimes. I'm impressed by the number of subs on here who can say that they don't. I don't know how to let go of that control freak in me sometimes. But hey, that's why I'm here. ;)

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