RE: Are you a control freak? (Full Version)

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chellekitty -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:19:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I used to try to control everything because everything was so out of control.  But I never had a good foundation in which to do this, so I wasn't very good at it.  My Master came along and could immediately out-control me, and that was precisely what I needed, and what he wanted.
<snip>

that is so awesome...and sounds soooo much like me, it is scary...

quote:


I used to really really beat myself up when I couldn't get something right, but recently have realized, unless he deems it a problem, I am only giving him a problem to deal with and interfering in my submission to him by not getting over it and moving on, so I don't get hung up on those things anymore. 

i am learning this lesson....slowly but surely....



goodgirl08 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:34:10 AM)

I never thought of myself as a control freak...maybe a perfectionist in the way I live my own life, but not a control freak with other people. But then again, who but a control freak would ever agree to give up all their control?? [:D]



batshalom -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:42:38 AM)

fast reply - on deadline but can't stay away


I can be a control freak but I am also an approval hog. The hog tends to eat the freak, although sometimes the freak escapes.



RCdc -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:45:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

fast reply - on deadline but can't stay away


I can be a control freak but I am also an approval hog. The hog tends to eat the freak, although sometimes the freak escapes.


Now THAT I completely relate to!  Approval hog - I love that term!
 
Peace
the.dark.



BeingChewsie -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 8:55:27 AM)

I think this is why it is so important for people to take the time to get to know who they are and what they need. I went looking for man who didn't find it an annoyance and wouldn't have a relationship any other way. I knew without a doubt I'm not service oriented, I'm ownership oriented though. I seek to be managed and controlled..to the extreme. I don't need a ton of rules, in fact we have a handful that encompass 99% of life without him having to be on them 24/7...for me its about his willingness to impose his will no matter what that matters. Just knowing that he has and will again if need be is enough to keep me in line these days.

For R power in all its forms (control, influence and authority) run through all areas of his life both business and personal. It is a 24 hour a day thing. He has been this way since childhood. He is a control/obedience/ownership oriented persons dream. He doesn't like proactive service, prefers things be reactionary to his desires, don't ever try to think for him or surprise him.

We don't have power struggles anymore, once he proved he was the bigger dog, I ceded and surrendered and have primarily remained such..if I get the smallest bit haughty with him..he gives a warning shot across the bow. If I missed the warning, he'll gladly re-educate me on who the bigger dog in this house is. That isn't for everyone but for us it works. Our home is peaceful and consistent but we have a good number of years under us so those early relationship issues/struggles that most people here are talking about have been worked out.

It can be critical to know what you need for both parties if the relationship is going to survive long term.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

To me, its just annoying and not anything I am interested in. My enjoyment in a M/S relationship is getting things the way I want them and molding a person's behaviors to my tastes. I generally look for a person with a genuine desire to please and to serve as opposed to someone with a desire to be controlled.

In my experiences with dating, these people are hard to find, because even though 99% of submissives and slaves will claim they want to serve and be pleasing, its bullshit for many. They are interested in being controlled, they want a ton of rules, they want those rules to be reinforced, and they want them to be reinforced their way.

This is how I primarily make the distinction between my definition of a slave and my defintion of a submissive. The desire to serve and please as opposed to the desire to be dominated.

I love and enjoy control and domination as a fetish, but someone who has a constant need for reinforcement and control every waking moment of the day is just simply annoying to me. I have no interest in serving as a domination object. I want things done my way, I want improvement, and I want results, not a constant struggle to get things my way from a partner solely seeking to get their discipline and control fetish fulfilled.

The control games are the biggest red flag with me and I won't put up with them for long. They simply ruin the fabric of a relationship that would otherwise go smoothly and be completely fulfillng and enjoyable if they would simply take responsibility for their own obedience.



missAnn77 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 9:12:21 AM)

I've been told that I am both a perfectionist and a control freak at times but that was before I found relationships interesting so now things have changed for me and I've found that I do have a role to play in the give and take and thats usually more give than take...(just my own opinion) For once I'd like to have that added demension of being able to recieve more than I have to give from some one else...with less compromise if that makes sense ? Since I am defining myself as a switch I usually find myself wanting other's approval more than the opposite so i to an relate to the "approval hog thing.[8D]


________________________________

two roads diverged in the woods and I took the one less traveled by....(can't remember who its by )



toservez -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 9:29:16 AM)

I understand the way LA uses the term and would not argue one bit of what she says because I agree with it 100%. I though do not think the term control freak is really accurate.

To me what many of us are about is eliminating uncertainty which makes us feel happy and safe.

There is no tangible goal or wanting a specific outcome to how we want to live by this and to me why control freak is a tad misleading. To me a control freak is a person who is actively doing things and making decisions to get a specific outcome they want that impacts others in their wake greatly. A submissive has only one part of that and it is generalized and that is getting a specific outcome. Our preference of the specifics of that are not forced upon others but just the opposite, we do not want to be a reason or a problem for the person we want to see happy doing something out of guilt or only because they think that is what we want.

So to me a control freak we see in everyday life and a submissive motivation is two different things that look similar. A regular control freak runs over other people while a submissive wants very much the opposite.



slavemaia -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 9:29:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: phedre81

So, in another thread, someone made the comment that most subs are control freaks.

And immediately, a part of me started to argue with that, and yet, another part of me realized that it's really, really true, at least of me, and i think it really is the reason that i have a tendency to want a lot of rules.

So, I'm curious--do you find yourselves struggling with the control freak in you?  I guess maybe this is akin to topping from the bottom, which I know I'm wont to do.

How does this play out for you?  How much of your relationship dynamics are in place so that you can control things? 

Me, I'm tempted to brat.  And that's hard for me to say, b/c I truly want to be...submitted.  But...when in the situation, I find myself much more likely to test boundaries, see what the Top will do.  I'm not proud of that, but that does tend to be my way of trying to control a situation. 

Anyone else?


Don't know if i'm a "control freak" as when given control over things i find it pretty stressful. i am a perfectionist though. If i try to take control with Chairman it's because i'm afraid. Once i realize what the fear is i can stop grabbing for control - most of the time before i've done something dumb like mouthed off to Him, but i still have those times when i don't - then He decides the consequences, usually after ignoring me for a bit. i hate that.
 
Basically, though i think it amounts to how sincere one is about her/his commitment. i will always find challenges, and old patterns don't dissolve just by saying go away. So, for me, it helps alot to remind myself of who i am, maia, His slave and what that means and what exactly is my commitment to Him. With this in mind i can get back into place, beg forgiveness and give it over to Chairman.  i will continue to make mistakes but i will learn. Chairman is very fair. He's kind and caring, yet strict when HE feels it's necessary, not when i do.



Celeste43 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 10:02:40 AM)

I'm much less of a control freak now than I used to be. And this is directly tied to him having proved his competence in all sorts of arenas. When with someone whom I couldn't trust to watch out for me, or to make decisions based on any criteria other than what worked best for him and to hell with the fallout on everyone else I was one.

I'm safe with him so I don't need to control everything. However I still brat, I enjoy it and he enjoys it. It's a playful thing for us.



MadRabbit -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 10:40:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

I think this is why it is so important for people to take the time to get to know who they are and what they need. I went looking for man who didn't find it an annoyance and wouldn't have a relationship any other way. I knew without a doubt I'm not service oriented, I'm ownership oriented though. I seek to be managed and controlled..to the extreme. I don't need a ton of rules, in fact we have a handful that encompass 99% of life without him having to be on them 24/7...for me its about his willingness to impose his will no matter what that matters. Just knowing that he has and will again if need be is enough to keep me in line these days.

For R power in all its forms (control, influence and authority) run through all areas of his life both business and personal. It is a 24 hour a day thing. He has been this way since childhood. He is a control/obedience/ownership oriented persons dream. He doesn't like proactive service, prefers things be reactionary to his desires, don't ever try to think for him or surprise him.

We don't have power struggles anymore, once he proved he was the bigger dog, I ceded and surrendered and have primarily remained such..if I get the smallest bit haughty with him..he gives a warning shot across the bow. If I missed the warning, he'll gladly re-educate me on who the bigger dog in this house is. That isn't for everyone but for us it works. Our home is peaceful and consistent but we have a good number of years under us so those early relationship issues/struggles that most people here are talking about have been worked out.

It can be critical to know what you need for both parties if the relationship is going to survive long term.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

To me, its just annoying and not anything I am interested in. My enjoyment in a M/S relationship is getting things the way I want them and molding a person's behaviors to my tastes. I generally look for a person with a genuine desire to please and to serve as opposed to someone with a desire to be controlled.

In my experiences with dating, these people are hard to find, because even though 99% of submissives and slaves will claim they want to serve and be pleasing, its bullshit for many. They are interested in being controlled, they want a ton of rules, they want those rules to be reinforced, and they want them to be reinforced their way.

This is how I primarily make the distinction between my definition of a slave and my defintion of a submissive. The desire to serve and please as opposed to the desire to be dominated.

I love and enjoy control and domination as a fetish, but someone who has a constant need for reinforcement and control every waking moment of the day is just simply annoying to me. I have no interest in serving as a domination object. I want things done my way, I want improvement, and I want results, not a constant struggle to get things my way from a partner solely seeking to get their discipline and control fetish fulfilled.

The control games are the biggest red flag with me and I won't put up with them for long. They simply ruin the fabric of a relationship that would otherwise go smoothly and be completely fulfillng and enjoyable if they would simply take responsibility for their own obedience.



Dont get me wrong. I wasn't trying to come off with a "Your Kink Sux, My Kink Rocks" attitude with that post.

My opinion was solely how I like things in my little part of Idaho and not applied beyond that. There is nothing wrong with desiring control and reinforcement. Its just not right for me.

There is, however, things I have to consider. I'm not foolish enough to think that someone is going to throw down everything at once without some degree of time passing for trust and confidence to be built.

But when I first meet someone, I am watching their motivations. Are they interested in producing a result and accomplishing what I want? Or are they only interested in me being actively dominant and fulfilling their need to be controlled?

Behavior modifcation, active dominance, and exertion of control are means to an end for me, the end being a person who has been molded into someone I find pleasing and satisfying. However, when the end is the means, then its pointless and not desirable to me, because its not about getting an end result.



RRafe -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 12:57:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

I think this is why it is so important for people to take the time to get to know who they are and what they need. I went looking for man who didn't find it an annoyance and wouldn't have a relationship any other way. I knew without a doubt I'm not service oriented, I'm ownership oriented though. I seek to be managed and controlled..to the extreme. I don't need a ton of rules, in fact we have a handful that encompass 99% of life without him having to be on them 24/7...for me its about his willingness to impose his will no matter what that matters. Just knowing that he has and will again if need be is enough to keep me in line these days.

For R power in all its forms (control, influence and authority) run through all areas of his life both business and personal. It is a 24 hour a day thing. He has been this way since childhood. He is a control/obedience/ownership oriented persons dream. He doesn't like proactive service, prefers things be reactionary to his desires, don't ever try to think for him or surprise him.

We don't have power struggles anymore, once he proved he was the bigger dog, I ceded and surrendered and have primarily remained such..if I get the smallest bit haughty with him..he gives a warning shot across the bow. If I missed the warning, he'll gladly re-educate me on who the bigger dog in this house is. That isn't for everyone but for us it works. Our home is peaceful and consistent but we have a good number of years under us so those early relationship issues/struggles that most people here are talking about have been worked out.

It can be critical to know what you need for both parties if the relationship is going to survive long term.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

To me, its just annoying and not anything I am interested in. My enjoyment in a M/S relationship is getting things the way I want them and molding a person's behaviors to my tastes. I generally look for a person with a genuine desire to please and to serve as opposed to someone with a desire to be controlled.

In my experiences with dating, these people are hard to find, because even though 99% of submissives and slaves will claim they want to serve and be pleasing, its bullshit for many. They are interested in being controlled, they want a ton of rules, they want those rules to be reinforced, and they want them to be reinforced their way.

This is how I primarily make the distinction between my definition of a slave and my defintion of a submissive. The desire to serve and please as opposed to the desire to be dominated.

I love and enjoy control and domination as a fetish, but someone who has a constant need for reinforcement and control every waking moment of the day is just simply annoying to me. I have no interest in serving as a domination object. I want things done my way, I want improvement, and I want results, not a constant struggle to get things my way from a partner solely seeking to get their discipline and control fetish fulfilled.

The control games are the biggest red flag with me and I won't put up with them for long. They simply ruin the fabric of a relationship that would otherwise go smoothly and be completely fulfillng and enjoyable if they would simply take responsibility for their own obedience.



Dont get me wrong. I wasn't trying to come off with a "Your Kink Sux, My Kink Rocks" attitude with that post.

My opinion was solely how I like things in my little part of Idaho and not applied beyond that. There is nothing wrong with desiring control and reinforcement. Its just not right for me.

There is, however, things I have to consider. I'm not foolish enough to think that someone is going to throw down everything at once without some degree of time passing for trust and confidence to be built.

But when I first meet someone, I am watching their motivations. Are they interested in producing a result and accomplishing what I want? Or are they only interested in me being actively dominant and fulfilling their need to be controlled?

Behavior modifcation, active dominance, and exertion of control are means to an end for me, the end being a person who has been molded into someone I find pleasing and satisfying. However, when the end is the means, then its pointless and not desirable to me, because its not about getting an end result.


Women who focus on the dynamic as the goal do tend to try to control that as the outcome. This puts me in a submissive role to them. In other words, they are topping how I am expected to top.

They are submitting to a fantasy, and trying to coerce ME into being domninated by THAT.

Sorry, not my kink. A woman needs to submit to me-not her bullshit.



MadRabbit -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 1:01:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Sorry, not my kink. A woman needs to submit to me-not her bullshit.


Complete agreement on that one.



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 1:05:05 PM)

If control freak means wanting and expecting things to be done my way then yes to a degree I am a big control freak....



BeingChewsie -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 1:35:10 PM)

I didn't think you were trying to come off that way. It just illustrates why it is so important to know who you are what you need, so you don't end up in power struggle type dynamics. I was very careful in evaluating men and where they fell on the dominant spectrum... they needed to fall to the far end in terms being actvively dominant and very controlling in all areas of their lives, a majority of the time. I don't fall to the far end in terms of being submissve, unless owned and held there. There are certainly a number of people out there like that, you just have to be upfront about what you need.  Thanks for the counter view, these types of discussions are great for people to see the vast number of ways power disparate relationships can be done sucessfully over the long term.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Dont get me wrong. I wasn't trying to come off with a "Your Kink Sux, My Kink Rocks" attitude with that post.

My opinion was solely how I like things in my little part of Idaho and not applied beyond that. There is nothing wrong with desiring control and reinforcement. Its just not right for me.

There is, however, things I have to consider. I'm not foolish enough to think that someone is going to throw down everything at once without some degree of time passing for trust and confidence to be built.

But when I first meet someone, I am watching their motivations. Are they interested in producing a result and accomplishing what I want? Or are they only interested in me being actively dominant and fulfilling their need to be controlled?

Behavior modifcation, active dominance, and exertion of control are means to an end for me, the end being a person who has been molded into someone I find pleasing and satisfying. However, when the end is the means, then its pointless and not desirable to me, because its not about getting an end result.



Daddysjezzy -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 1:44:48 PM)

Simple question so I will give a simple answer.  Yep.  I am a control freak from a whole family of control freaks.  The loss of control thing is one of the reasons I love being a slave.   If you dont have any control at all, you dont have to worry about it. 



worththeeffort -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 2:16:51 PM)

using fastreply...

i'm a mother, of COURSE i'm a control freak! lol

~kitty



charlotte12 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 2:56:56 PM)

I have found that i can be a control freak but i find it to to be one of the uglier qualities within myself. I am happy and grateful to find someone who will not put up with my trying to enforce my way as right. It is giving me the opportunity to relax and little hopefully release a part of myself that i do not enjoy.

Just a brief thought i had in response to MadRabbit and Chewsie's discussion. I was trying to figure out which end of the spectrum i fall on and at first thought that i lean much more towards needing to be owned and very actively dominated. But i also find myself trying to be pleasing not only to Doms but to people around me in general and had a thought. I think that the desire to please comes naturally to me and has for a long time and so i focus more on the desire to be strictly kept because it is something i find few people can truly understand and achieve. I didn't understand my desire to please those around me as part of my "kinky fantasies" right away and so sometimes tend to push to get my "Dom me kink" met out of habit or fear that the person i have come across has no real desire to be stronger than me. Once i feel safe in his ownership of me i find myself relaxing into my desires to please him much more.

yet another ramble by charlotte who has done alot of "get paid at work while browsing collarme" today.



RRafe -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 3:37:06 PM)

General question.

How does one try to justify controlling the controller?

Shouldc you tell your Top what to do? And this is NOT about pre agreed hard limits.



charlotte12 -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 3:40:56 PM)

Personally i don't try to justify it. When i realize i'm doing that i try to stop. I try to simply see it as my duty to inform him of real concerns or issues i have as well as let him know positive reactions i have to things and leave it at that. Of course being new to slavery and being ...well...a human being... i often catch myself using the excuse that "i'm just expressing how i feel" as a way to try to tell him how to Master me. I'm never proud of these moments (and have been having a lot of them recently.) Live and learn i suppose.

charlotte



slavegirljoy -> RE: Are you a control freak? (11/6/2007 3:50:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: phedre81
So, I'm curious--do you find yourselves struggling with the control freak in you? 

No.  Not at all.  There isn't a control freak in me.  As long as i belong to a Master who maintains control over my life, i have no need or desire to control any of it.  What's the opposite of 'control freak'?  That's me.  That's why i searched for and found the Man who wanted to take control of me and my life and, who has the same vision for Oour life together, that i have.  He has a need to be in control and i have a need to be controlled.  Wwe are in synch with each other. 
 
Every D/s and vanilla relationship i have ever been in, until this one, was lacking in the degree of Domination over me that i was seeking.  i have always felt an intense need to be completely owned by and totally powerless under the Man i serve.  And, i always tried to get the other men to Dominate me more.  i tried everything i could think of to try to get them to assert more power and control over me and it got me nowhere, other than into an argument or walking out the door, since i wasn't getting what i needed from them.  So, i actively searched for and found the Man who would take Ownership of me and take over all control of my life.  Now, i am content and very, very happy with my life. 
 
That's not to say that i never make a decision or that i don't have any control over anything that i do but, there isn't a decision that i make that my Master doesn't approve of or can't override and, He holds me accountable for everything that i do so that, if it doesn't go along with what He wants me to do, i will be disciplined.  He's the Boss of me and that's exactly what i have always wanted.
quote:

How does this play out for you? 

Very well.  i advertised for a Master who wanted a 24/7 live-in slave to have a TPE relationship with.  In Oour early discussions with each other,  Wwe talked about what that meant to each of Uus and Wwe found that Wwe had a common vision.  He told me what His rules would be, what would be expected of me, what He would give to me, what He would and wouldn't do to and with me and asked me if i would like to live that way and if i could live that way and i answered with a resounding "Yes, absolutely."  He offered this way of life to me, under His terms and conditions, and i accepted.  i then handed over to Him all control over my life.  That's how it has played out for me and that's why, 2 years later, i am happier and more at peace with myself and my life than i have ever been or ever even imagined i could be.
quote:

How much of your relationship dynamics are in place so that you can control things? 
ZERO.  i have no interest and no desire to have any control over anything, except when and how my Master tells me to.  Such as, He loves to have a garden of pansies planted in the yard each fall.  He picks out and buys the pansies and then tells me to plant them.  He lets me plant them any way i want.  He doesn't tell me where or how to plant them.  That's up to me.  When my Master left this morning, He left me in charge of planting His flowers and when He returned home, He saw that i had finished my task.  He doesn't have to stand over me to make sure that i do it correctly.  He knows that i am good at planting things and at laying-out a nice garden so, He puts me in control of that part of it. 
 
He also demands that i have self-control.  He requires me to control my temper, to control my attitude, to control my actions and to control what i say and how i say it.  If i lose control of any of these things, i will be corrected by Him, verbally, on the spot, and, physically, later on.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David
________________________________________________________________
"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord." (Colossians 3:22-25)



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