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Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 2:44:58 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I feel like death warmed up. The details of last night are just minutiae but this is what I emailed my so-called Dom this morning:
~This isn't meant with any vindictiveness as I do not have it in my heart. Last night you treated me with contempt. Real passive aggression. Less than a friend. I have found us exactly what you had asked for...a fantastic couple with a woman who lives and works in Europe and has a home here. I had discussed with her the difference in our ages and your disability...despite the fact that you are independently compensated for that and I saw passed it....others may not. And you may want to get naked. She thought that made us....bearing in mind that there is no longer an us....she thought that made us even more amazing. I am sad to hear that you feel you are not ready for a committed relationship as you put it. Commitment is the only thing that makes anything work....especially when as I have no limits except commitment. Breathing is a commitment that makes living possible. You will never get what you want unless you are courageous enough for commitment, as an astrologer, as a reiki master or as a dom. Commitment to me means freedom. I walk away from anyone who does not see it that way. As for love? I love you with all my heart and soul and always will. Everyone loves. All expressions are expressions of love. I take your contempt for me and your rejection of me as the best you know how to do at the moment. It is difficult to hear that I know from a sexually submissive female. I want you to understand all that I have just said that is all.~
My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??

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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 3:45:09 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I feel like death warmed up. The details of last night are just minutiae but this is what I emailed my so-called Dom this morning:
~This isn't meant with any vindictiveness as I do not have it in my heart. Last night you treated me with contempt. Real passive aggression. Less than a friend. I have found us exactly what you had asked for...a fantastic couple with a woman who lives and works in Europe and has a home here. I had discussed with her the difference in our ages and your disability...despite the fact that you are independently compensated for that and I saw passed it....others may not. And you may want to get naked. She thought that made us....bearing in mind that there is no longer an us....she thought that made us even more amazing. I am sad to hear that you feel you are not ready for a committed relationship as you put it. Commitment is the only thing that makes anything work....especially when as I have no limits except commitment. Breathing is a commitment that makes living possible. You will never get what you want unless you are courageous enough for commitment, as an astrologer, as a reiki master or as a dom. Commitment to me means freedom. I walk away from anyone who does not see it that way. As for love? I love you with all my heart and soul and always will. Everyone loves. All expressions are expressions of love. I take your contempt for me and your rejection of me as the best you know how to do at the moment. It is difficult to hear that I know from a sexually submissive female. I want you to understand all that I have just said that is all.~
My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??


In  a strictly BD/SM relationship---I'd like to have the commitment of a friendship.    I do not need love for Bondage/Discipline and my masochistic side.    In a D/s relationship---I'd want the loving commitment.         

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 3:57:52 AM   
Aceton


Posts: 97
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline 		Commitment is an odd thing. If one knows one is truly valued, and wanted, and delighted in, and truly values, and wants, and delights in one's partner, then the issue of commitment becomes moot. Security comes from actions, the way you are around one another, the little things you do, the sacrifices you make - not from pretty words.

If one has to 'ask' for commitment, then is it really there?

Edited to add: Is it important? It's as important as you want it to be. If you don't care if the other person drops off the face of the planet, then no, I guess it is not. If you want that deep, life changing, soul binding experience, then you will probably find that the conditions that create that are also the conditions in which commitment can be found. It's hard to get all deep and meaningful on a casual basis.





< Message edited by Aceton -- 11/9/2007 4:01:06 AM >

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 4:45:19 AM   
miladyh


Posts: 64
Joined: 12/23/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on the relationship itself...

I have had friends that were play partners that were just that and nothing more.  Would I like to find someone to honeslty and fully share all aspects of life and the lifestyle with yes.  If I do find that person then yes commitment would be important as when in that type of relationship I give 100% of myself to that person and I would expect the same in return.

When getting into a BDSM relationship I set the paramaters right off as to if this is going to be freindly play or more (commited)

(in reply to Aceton)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 4:47:38 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I dont think that a commitment is important in some relationships. For instance I play with several subs. I have no commitment to them or them to me. I have'nt been asked to commit so why should I push it on them. Dont start in that it is a man thing. Plenty of women do not wish to commit either. To have a commitment is a good thing but as we all know they dont always have a happy ending.

(in reply to Aceton)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 4:52:07 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??

No more important that in ANY relationship.



_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 4:55:43 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		Shock. Awe. A woman who wants to submit to a man, in its entirety, her body and soul. Now that's sexy!

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 4:56:35 AM   
Hergirl0824


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		if commitment is important to you then it is important....if it is something that you require to be happy and content then do not settle for less. Only you know what you need to be fulfilled.

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:02:26 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		I am sorry, Prinsexx.

Commitment is a funny thing. I think it often means different things to different people, as well as different things in different stages of any relationship. NRE feels so good that the discussion often gets overlooked, which is most unfortuante.

If, say for example, you have one idea of commitment but your Dom has a different idea, each of you pulls in the direction of your own definition, which tosses the other person off-balance. The other person regains footing and yanks back, and so we have this eternal pull and tug, when the only problem is that no one really knows what the other wants exactly. (I am purposefully leaving off that sometimes people are just users, know exactly what others want, but string them along as long as it will go.)

It sounds as though your Dom has a physical challenge which may add to his state of mind. Perhaps you intimidated him with your feelings. Perhaps it is that he is afraid of committing because he has had bad experiences, heartbreak, loss. I don't know. In any case, you are not alone in your confusion and pain - we all go there. I wish you well and I am entirely understanding of your sorrow.

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:06:11 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hergirl0824

if commitment is important to you then it is important....if it is something that you require to be happy and content then do not settle for less. Only you know what you need to be fulfilled.

You know what? It has helped me realise this; no commitment is a hard limit for me. I cannot submit, heart, body, sol, financially, totality without it.
And I don't submit any other way. For slavery read commitment.
Glad I learned that one today.

(in reply to Hergirl0824)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:07:22 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??


It's as important as you mutually decide that it is.  If one decides that it's more important than the other, there are problems on the horizon. 
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:09:53 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		To me commitment comes in many forms. I just ended a relationship, before it was barely out of the starting gate, because he couldn't seem to COMMIT to anything. He seemed to want to come and go from the concept of D/s as he pleased. I needed a commitment to accept and abide by the agreement he made with me.
So in any kind of relationship, I think there has to be some kind of commitment, even if it's not the traditional monogomous/exclusive couple sort of thing. I don't think love has to be involved, but obviously there has to be some kind of mutual respect and commitment to one another as people of value.

Also for me, love is far different than "in-love". I can easily love the people in my life. So I could say I won't play with anyone I don't "love", but that doesn't mean I have to be in love with them or have a love relationship with them. It just means I know them and trust them well enough to love them and feel that they love me too. A bond is there and greater trust as a result. There may not be a formal commitment there, but there is an underlying commitment from one friend to another to care for each other.

So I guess it all boils down to this. Yes, commitment is necessary, but No, it doesn't have to be the traditional sort.

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:11:10 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

I am sorry, Prinsexx.


It sounds as though your Dom has a physical challenge which may add to his state of mind. Perhaps you intimidated him with your feelings. Perhaps it is that he is afraid of committing because he has had bad experiences, heartbreak, loss. I don't know. In any case, you are not alone in your confusion and pain - we all go there. I wish you well and I am entirely understanding of your sorrow.


Thank you so much.
He does have major issues with the physical challenge but it's just that I honestly and absolutely saw oassed it as I work around it so much that mental challenge, physical, ;earning and emotional just become the norm. I refuse to be used in personal relationship as the one expected to heal all of the time, to compensdate and make allowances for the challenge.
Equal opportunity freak that i am.
Thank you for your really kind words.

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:14:09 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

To me commitment comes in many forms. I just ended a relationship, before it was barely out of the starting gate, because he couldn't seem to COMMIT to anything. He seemed to want to come and go from the concept of D/s as he pleased. I needed a commitment to accept and abide by the agreement he made with me.


So I guess it all boils down to this. Yes, commitment is necessary, but No, it doesn't have to be the traditional sort.

Yes that was rally what it came down to.
Pulling out of and then pushing for domination. When it suited him  Which wasn't a steady Dom position to take was it? Too damaged to remain in a dominant position actually.
Thank you for that.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:15:38 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		During training, I expect a commitment to the agreed upon period of training.

Post that I expect a commitment to the length of time in the contract -- I start with 6 months and it builds over time.

I also, however, am realistic and put in "release" clauses to said contracts. People change and things happen in life that we can't prevent.

Now foolish or not, Fox and I do not have a time period listed in our current contract so our expectation is that this is a lifelong ownership where he lives where I tell him and moves with me when I move.

But commitment must go two ways if both people are to feel satisfied. If I decided to just randomly move us around or stop talking to Fox or stop acting like his owner, I would not be upholding my end of our relationship and thus not acting committed to it. In that case I expect him to tell me so and if things didn't change very quickly to leave because I've all ready negated our dynamic and given up my authority.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:16:36 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

It's as important as you mutually decide that it is.  If one decides that it's more important than the other, there are problems on the horizon. 
 
John

Agreed. He says tomato and I say tomarto
he says potato and I say potarto
He says Master and I say Committment
Let's call the whole thing off

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:19:04 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

In that case I expect him to tell me so and if things didn't change very quickly to leave because I've all ready negated our dynamic and given up my authority.


I love that phrase negated our dynamic and given up authority.


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:20:37 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		 
The commitment required in a relationship depends on the people in the relationship, their individual goals, and their shared goals.  In any relationship, the goals of the individuals must be aligned in some way in order for the relationship to have any chance of being a relationship.  One of your goals in a relationship is commitment.  Is that one of your dom's goals too?  If it is, is he just not ready yet?  Are you asking for something that he may be willing to give in time but not now?  Have you discussed goals with him yet?
 


_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 5:23:01 AM   
ameha21


Posts: 21
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline 		i give the details of slavery under me to every girl that approaches me about being a slave and make it clear to them how serious i am. i tell them if they're not all that serious/commited to the lifestyle to just move-on. a few fess up and move on. but many don't. they'll pretend to be interested. then the next day i message them, and they act like they have no idea who i am. some girls have kept on apperances for weeks/ months (even years a couple of times). so yea, commitment is important in BDSM. no vanilla man or woman would tolerate someone that they marry then the next day would start cheating, etc. trust and commitment is even more important, because there's more intimacy in bdsm. you have to trust the other person on a deeper level. a slave has to trust her master that he wouldn't physically damage her. a master has to trust her that she truelly enjoys what's done to her. if there is no trust, it goes from bdsm to abuse. and in today's political enviroment, consensual bdsm is a sin/crime to some people as much as domestic rape/abuse. 

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 6:29:09 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		how can you have any solid foundation  with out a great love you can not grow a rose unless you add water and sunshine and plant food. People expect something for nothing in this lifestyle. Transparent people eventually blow away thank god.  Stay true to who you are and what you are. In that you will eventually get what you want.   Thing of it is people need to learn what a relationship really is and quit being a fashion Nazi and learn to build something of value.  hence that just the mud of things of right now But I truly believe people will get pissed and change  It is how it goes

(in reply to ameha21)
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