Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Validate me


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Validate me Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 9:31:00 AM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		I didnt read all the other post before i replied

I agree with you missturbation. Unless you find the beauty with in and feel beautiful nothing anyone else says is going to matter much in the end. Yeah it might be a quich  fix for the moment  but what happens when you are down and your Dom isnt there to help pick you and brush you off. OR he decides to humilate you and call you an ugly ducklin. Does that mean you are cruched ? Where as if you find beauty with in and beleive you are worthy and beautiful no one can take that away from you...

The same with happiness. No one can make you happy, you must find it within. Sure things that my Master  does makes me makes me happy but true happiness lays with in you.

Master and I have worked together on alot of issues and with out giving a lot details Oneof my questions to him was why dont you tell me certain things . His answer was " It doesnt matter  if i tell you or not you must find it from with in before you will truely  beleive it" and  for me that was  very true.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 9:45:08 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Vanatru I will validate whatever it is that you just said.  The question here is who validates the validater??

(in reply to Vanatru)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 9:57:35 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You're right, we should be able to validate ourselves. Unfortunately oftentimes we need a jump start from someone else. The classic example is of an abused woman, who after repeatedly being told she was worthless, and being treated that way, came to believe it.

Even if she one day gains the courage to escape and finds herself safe in a shelter, she isn't able to turn around that view overnight. Therapy can help to a degree, but unless guys start whistling at her on the street, she won't suddenly feel she's a goddess.

But continued masculine appreciation from another man will help. Just like it took repeatedly being torn down to believe the abuser's view of her, being repeatedly built up can help her view herself from the new man's perspective.

Having been there, I can assure you that this is how it worked for me.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 10:37:45 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Me too, Celeste.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 10:51:08 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Michaelsangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation


In my opinion, it has a lot to do with self-esteem issues, wheither negative or positive. Sir is helping me overcome those negative issues just in case he is ill nor gets injured and is not around to re-inforce that postive feedback. So it isn't so much Him validating me, but Him helping me to LEARN to validate myself.





I use self-worth and self-esteem differently...I like having the two concepts side by side....what I mean by self-worth is an inner game...what I mean by self-esteem is how I esteem myself in relation to others.....so that makes it easier to be ok when being submissive, as I esteem Him higher, more assertivwe, more in control, more you know well just more than myself and that's exactly when I have to really hold onto my self-worth as a sub......sometimes I do confess my worth feels broken...but that's a learning point....and I switch...it's more work for me as a Domme but 'girlie' seems to keep coming back for more...and it's harder work because I get an attack of conscience and question how I can be so cold hearted towards her.....


(in reply to Michaelsangel)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 10:54:35 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:00:05 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.


I'm unsure if that's a question or a statement.

However everyone has a need to be loved and wanted. If your partner never tells you she wants you, never tells you how fulfilling your relationship is, you wouldn't feel in need of validation? And if every time you tried to initiate sex, or cuddling, she made a disparaging remark, you would feel hurt, unloved, unwanted. Possible to such a degree that you would need a higher degree of validation in your next relationship?

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:12:19 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.

a narcisist of any gender constantly needs validation, never sees it and never hears it (as they are so bound up within themselves)

edited to say and utterly believe they don't


< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 11/12/2007 11:40:53 AM >

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:27:21 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Vanatru I will validate whatever it is that you just said.  The question here is who validates the validater??


one of the things I like to play with is my Thesaurus....I know....square peg in a round hole but:
Jehovah, absolute being, all knowing, all powerful, almighty, creator, daemon, deity, demigod, demon, divine being, divinity, father, holiness, holy spirit, idol, infinite spirit, lord, maker, man upstairs, numen, omnipotent, power, prime mover, providence, soul, spirit, totem, tutelary, world spirit clergyman, man of the cloth, minister, reverend, servant of God, shepherd, sky pilot, woman of God blessed state, eternal home, happiness and rest, happy home, happy hunting ground, heaven, in sinu Abraham, kingdom of God, nirvana, paradise Christ, Emmanuel, God the Son, Good Shepherd, Jesus Christ, King of kings, Lamb of God, Light of the World, Lord, Lord of lords, Messiah, Prince of Peace, Redeemer, Savior, Son of Man  administrator, chief, chieftain, controller, director, dominator, employer, exec*, executive, foreman, head, head honcho*, honcho*, leader, master, overseer, owner, superintendent, supervisor, taskmaster, top dog*, tyee, tyhee, wheel*ambassador, authority, big brother, boss, bureaucrat, captain, chairman, chief, commander, consul, controller, custodian, dean, director, exec*, executive, front office*, governor, head, head honcho*, head man, inspector, judge, leader, man upstairs, manager, master, mayor, minister, officer, official, organizer, overseer, premier, president, producer, superintendent, supervisor ???

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:31:18 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.


You gorgeous handsome stud of a man you! Whyyyyyy, I bet you have women falling over one another just to touch the toe of your domly boots/sneakers/flipflops/whatever applies here...


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:39:12 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

If you depend on a person (such as your partner) to validate you, what happens when that person is no longer in your life?  Hopefully relationships last a long time, but some are fleeting, for whatever reasons.  Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you?  I think it's better to stand on your own and validate yourself, be strong so you always have you, don't rely on another person whispering in your ear.


I try to believe that relationships never end...because even if a person quits, or dies, memories go on forever.....

and Spirit too....Spirit of place, Spirit of person....but it doesn't stop the grief...and if the relationship relies upon one person's validation of the other, let's say outside of any bdsm dynamic, but the necessity for validation was the dynamic...you know that stereotypical that's was a nice meal dear, you look nice tonight darling, or even that's much better and so and so on...then the grief is real and terrible......
but sometimes it's better, more freeing and less negative to have a person physically there.....to have the negativity just not be there anymore...still even then there's grief.....
I see elderly vanilla couples, neighbours. friends, courted and married all their lives and then one dies....three deaths in a row within three months of elderly neighbours and the one left behind just seems to wither away...
I think the many griefs I have suffered, well each prepares me to look within deeper and deeper to summon the source of validation.......

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:55:34 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.


Humans need validation that's why we work so hard to find others who will validate us. IMO it's not a male or female need, it's a human need.

This weekend I said something that validated my guy in a way he obviously hadn't been validated in a very long time, or maybe, ever. He's flying high because of it and, for me, it was a simple statement of fact.

Just my thoughts.......

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 11:55:56 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.


To me it isn't just about physical beauty. It is about the entirety of me. I was fed a constant diet of "You're worthless." It is what I believed (past tense, you will notice). Being pretty, being told I am pretty is nice, but being shown that I am valuable because I am kind and sweet and worthwhile and smart and funny and interesting (etc) is way beyond pretty.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:03:24 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.


I'm unsure if that's a question or a statement.

However everyone has a need to be loved and wanted. If your partner never tells you she wants you, never tells you how fulfilling your relationship is, you wouldn't feel in need of validation? And if every time you tried to initiate sex, or cuddling, she made a disparaging remark, you would feel hurt, unloved, unwanted. Possible to such a degree that you would need a higher degree of validation in your next relationship?


I agree, Celeste which is why I noted in my earlier post that the opinion of those who matter to you carry more weight than the general public's.  While I am a self-assured person who is at least satisfied with my looks if not overly enamoured with them...while I see myself as a good healthcare provider...while I see myself as a worthwhile partner...I did have a partner who always accepted and was gracious in her receipt of my compliments regarding her or our relationship and yet, who never proffered any sort of compliment of me or my role in the relationship or even offered up discussion of where we were in the relationship or how it affected her in a positive manner.  This got old and I admit that now, when I seek someone, it is with the hope that they can at least offer up a positive note on me and/or my role in the relationship and/or the relationship itself.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:07:13 PM   
astarri


Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		to say that anyone never seeks outside validation is imo unrealistic. Our society is full of validation. An A on an essay is validation, a promotion at work is validation. To step on a weight scale is validation. It would be a very nice place where no one needed any validation but it can also be very inspiring.
In this size 0 ideal beauty driven world we live in it is understandable that women (and men though the other way cause if they are too skinny they too have negative self image) seek validation from the ones they love that they are still desireable.
If a person does not believe that they are good enough ever than im not sure validation would even help because it is validating something that is already there. They have to believe on some level that they are good enough. just my thoughts


(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:08:01 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Whilst reading the 'how do you change your perception' thread i couldn't help but notice that a few posters were of the opinion that if your Dom / Domme says you are beautiful (example), then you should just accept it as the truth. Another poster (a Dom) says that his is the only opinion that counts.


Ugh. This notion is NOT healthy in my opinion. Of course we all want to hear about partners tell us these things, but to base our belief of such on outward approval is a disaster waiting to happen. Why? Because, at some point, our partners WILL be disappointed in us and, statistically, it's likely that the relationship will end at some point. When this happens and we've based our self perception and esteem on these outward things, our basis will crumble, which will crumble our new found positive beliefs.

If you want to be a stronger slave or Master or whatever, work on your own self development. It's not up to your partner to do this for you. It's not up to your relationship to make you feel this way. These things are reinforcements of your beliefs...NOT the source.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:09:22 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: astarri

to say that anyone never seeks outside validation is imo unrealistic.


Validation of beliefs is totally different than a SOURCE of belief. We like it when someone agrees with us...in either a negative or positive way, even if we don't want to admit it.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to astarri)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:22:31 PM   
ctrlaltdelete


Posts: 284
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		No matter who the validator - a Sir, a Dom, a Domme, a Ma'am, your mom, your grandpa, your guidance counselor or your shrink. Whenever you are in need of external validation to feel good about yourself, you should try to shift that external codependence towards more of a healthy internal (saying "healthy" to exclude narcissism) validation process.

Which always leads to the question of what was your intrinsic drive to define and fulfill yourself as a sub/slave in the first place. Was it from a position of strength? Which shows that you are, in all likelihood, bestowed with a healthy self-esteem and the ability to self-validate. Or was it from weakness? In a manner that you are codependently, constantly seeking external validation from the most critical reference individuals in your life (here: your Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress) as your lifelong self-esteem crutches.

Great for you if in addition to your self-validation you have a Sir/Ma'am in your life whose boat you totally float and who dig you/your exterior/your personality (/your posterior) in such a way that they add the dimension of external validation to your own happy-happy-joy-joy. But agreed - the codependent need of a sub to be constantly validated by her/his Dominant is something that would give rise to concern (for me).

So, I agree with the OP (mind you, I did not validate you!)

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:37:28 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		The problem is this.  Children that grow up without nurturing don't know how to give it to themselves.  Having someone else "validate" them opens the door for hope and the possibility that they are worthwhile.  The hard work of really believing it they have to do for themselves as you are correct miss, you have to learn to nuture yourself. 

There were many valid replies to that thread that discuss therapy, cognitive approaches, self validation techniques and approaches that worked for people that included others and moving stories about people's own struggles.  How that could be discounted is beyond me.  Preferrably the "other" should be a qualified therapist as I believe that type of interaction is hard on relationships and expectations become too high and it's possible to make the sitution worse with pressure.  People that have low self-esteem or have been conditioned to feel poorly about themselves hear "you aren't worthwhile" when they are pressured.  However, the responses were totally valid about others.  Yes, others can "validate" one who hasn't learned how to do it themselves and it's not at all a negative or unwanted thing.  This type of "validation" is practiced with abused kids all the time, in their homes, foster homes, therapy, schools etc to start them down the road of accepting what they have been conditioned is untrue.  That they are worthwhile, wonderful people.  The final step of that journey is theirs only to take, but can others help them get on the road? yes. 

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to ctrlaltdelete)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 12:42:01 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I have a question. I know we are talking about a womans validation. How does that apply to men. We dont have the need to be told that we are handsome.


For many men I know sex is validation.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/12/2007 12:49:30 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Validate me Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094