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RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:55:58 PM

missturbation

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quote:

misst,
In my opinion, it has a lot to do with self-esteem issues, wheither negative or positive. Sir is helping me overcome those negative issues just in case he is ill nor gets injured and is not around to re-inforce that postive feedback. So it isn't so much Him validating me, but Him helping me to LEARN to validate myself.

Beautifully said.

quote:

Humans need validation that's why we work so hard to find others who will validate us. IMO it's not a male or female need, it's a human need.

I agree. I just think we shouldn't rely entirely on another person to validate us.

quote:

that i believe, resulted in misst starting this thread...

Ahhh now i see why you bit my head off. Nope chelle it was actually another two posters that got me thinking about this. You happened to post the segment you quoted after.

Thank you to everyone who posted. I have read them all but due to being at work and lack of time now can't reply to all

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RE: Validate me - 11/13/2007 8:01:08 PM

shootingstar67

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I am a person society makes jokes about -I am a "cat lady". I have never been married am 40 years old and spend alot of my time rescuing cats and finding homes with them. I am with a rescue group so my animals are all fixed and have vet care but I have been wanting to stop

I was at PetCo today taking care of a group of hard to adopt cats I have down there. I thought to myself that after I have this large group of cats I have adopted I would quit. This is when someone walked in with a box of very tiny, very sick kittens. Apparently someone had left them in the middle of a road hoping they would get hit. But the next car stopped and grabbed them and brought them to pet co.

Looking at those helpless tiny furballs- I didn't care that the world would just continue to laugh at the spinster cat lady. I took them home.

Sometimes I get mad I can't stop rescuing cats. But once you start there is no stopping. They bring them to your door, sometimes they leave them on your porch without knocking. They beg. You can't say no.

The world is not going to validate my worth. The world is going to keep laughing at me and keep throwing helpless babies out of cars..not having their animals fixed, and I am going to keep doing what I am doing...be a spinster cat lady.

oh well

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RE: Validate me - 11/13/2007 9:04:31 PM

littlehumbledone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

What about your own opinion? How about validating yourself rather than someone else validating you? Saying 'i am beautiful because Sir says so', ok yes Sir finds you beautiful. What happens though if Sir is no longer around to validate you? Shouldn't believing in oneself start with oneself?

I totally agree with you, the most important person that has to believe in you, is yourself, if you don't believe in yourself, then no matter what anyone else says, it's not going to take or stick, sure your Sir/Lord/Master/Dom can work on your self esteem so that you will feel beautiful and believe in yourself, but to rely solely on the someone else to validate you, no.

What happens when that person isn't there anymore, above all else the only person you can really rely on is yourself, validation comes from within, other people can help add to that, but the core comes from within and yourself.

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RE: Validate me - 11/13/2007 9:37:27 PM

brightspot

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I do seek some forms of validation from people that are important in my life.
I look for my reflection in them and I know that from what they tell me.

But I don't really let what anyone says (anymore at this time in my life) make me feel bad or good.
I just place it in my wisdom book, and if I pull it out and I find meaning I move closer to the person I want to be.

Missy.

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RE: Validate me - 11/13/2007 10:36:09 PM

eyezoffire

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I find this thread incredibly fascinating, particularly because I love social psychology. So, I will give you a more withdrawn view of validation. There are many more theories and ideas that apply than I will get into, however this is what immediately popped into my head. I will try to explain everything in laymen's terms since I know most people are not familar with the technical terms.

Validating is not so much some one telling you what they think of you, but reassuring you that your beliefs are correct.

Basically, everyone has their own ideas/thoughts/feeling about themselves and the way the world works. These serve to build a schema about a person, place, event, etc including onesself. When people are more schematic on some thing, they are more likely to notice things that reinforce, or validate, what they believe and disregard those which challenge that particular person's view. Often times, it is a subconcious act (meaning the person does not realize that they are doing it). Hence why people are often friends with others who have the same beliefs or dress in a similar fashion as them.

If you believe you are pretty, you will find people who will also believe that you are pretty and disregard those who would challenge your view by telling you are ugly. If you believed yourself to be ugly, you would find people who also found you unattractive. It is natural for people to behave in this manner, and I believe that people are validating themselves by finding some one who shares their beliefs. Therefore, when the person who was validating you leaves, you still have that knowledge and will find another with similar views.

I think the most damage comes from some one trying to make a relationship work with another person who does not validate them. I, for instance, was at a healthy weight and my Dom at the time told me I was fat and needed to lose forty pounds. I had to convince myself there was a reason he was saying this and ended up losing the weight. I had created cognitive dissonance (meaning I created tension by changing the way I thought and felt as though I had to rationalize why I needed to lose weight)...people added to it by saying that I was too skinny. I finally gained twenty back and even though I am thinner than I was before him, I still think of myself as fat and am disgusted. However, I know that I am healthier and others have told me I look better. The whole situation caused me to look at myself and weight differently.

It can be beneficial if the person is working on improving another's selfesteem; however, one will not change his/her attitude unless they want to.

The wonderful thing about social psychology is that it is univeral, so what you can attribute to one situation...you can also apply to others. Whether a person is male or female, Dom/Master or sub/slave...they will look for people to reinforce themselves.

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RE: Validate me - 11/13/2007 11:19:23 PM

velvetears

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The problem with validation is when you need it or expect it and you don't recieve it, what happens? People who need lots of validation leave themselves open to being exploited and manipulated. i think validation goes hand in hand with confidence. The more confidence i have about something the less outside validation i need. The less confidence i have the more validation i need. For instance if i do something that i feel is the absolute right thing to do but the majority do not believe it was right, as long as i have the confidence within myself i won't need others to validate me. Validation also goes hand in hand with ego needs. i don't have to look in the mirror and see "beautiful" - if someone tells me i am, it's a nice compliment and i would smile, feel good and say thank you - but i don't think anything inside me is validated by it. If i valued beauty and wanted to feel beautiful but was ambigusous when i looked in the mirror, then others telling me i was beautiful would be validation.

Thanks mist, interesting topic

< Message edited by velvetears -- 11/13/2007 11:20:22 PM >

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RE: Validate me - 11/13/2007 11:49:08 PM

MsPleasure

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Validating yourself is the only way to go. I've seen several people that were not attractive (to me) that thought they were fine. I'm always intrigued by that person. Because of their attitude they attract just about anything they want. Bottom line its what you believe about yourself that comes through, so it may as well be something good. Other peoples opinions are just that opinions....you choose to take it or leave it.

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RE: Validate me - 11/14/2007 1:38:59 AM

hermione83

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If you didn't need a Master [to give you validation], why would you want one [a Master]?

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RE: Validate me - 11/17/2007 11:18:54 AM

SrMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Whilst reading the 'how do you change your perception' thread i couldn't help but notice that a few posters were of the opinion that if your Dom / Domme says you are beautiful (example), then you should just accept it as the truth. Another poster (a Dom) says that his is the only opinion that counts.

Yes, you should accept it as A truth... your Dom finds you to be beatiful. This is not to say that is the only standard. What is more important is that you find yourself beautiful.

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
What about your own opinion? How about validating yourself rather than someone else validating you? Saying 'i am beautiful because Sir says so', ok yes Sir finds you beautiful. What happens though if Sir is no longer around to validate you? Shouldn't believing in oneself start with oneself?

I love to hear Sir say i look good, beautiful for example, but i don't need Him to validate me as beautiful. I need to validate myself and yeah there are days when i think i look like shit and there are days i think i'm an out and out goddess. I just think relying on someone else to validate me is not healthy in the long run. It's a quick fix for a problem that is at some point going to resurface.

I have to add there are also some fabulous posts about working WITH your Dom / Domme to believe in oneself such as Kyra of Mists, Breatheasone and SimplyMichaels to name but a few.

your Dom has a responcibility to you to assist you in finding you own inner beauty, and expressing it in your outer persona. When this happens, not only do you become more attractive to others, you feel attractive.
W/we are all responcible for our own self image. Do W/we need outside validation? Idealy, no. Realisticly, yes. O/our own self image in the real world comes from a combination of how W/we feel about O/ourselves and how W/we see others as perceiving U/us. It is up to the Dom to re-inforce the positive and to help the sub to eliminate the negetive in Our subs self images. But it is up to each individual to work on their own to improve their self image and to find their own self worth.
I can help my sub to work on her own self image, to help her to be as strong and self assured as possible, but I can't create that positive self image for her. Just telling her to "know you are beautiful" does not help her, beyond her hearing that I want her to feel that way. Requiring her to dress more femininely, to take time each day to pamper herself, consistantly treating her as though she matters, all of these things help her to see and feel herself as an attractive woman who matters in her own right.
Yes, she has chosen to submitt herself to Me - what a tremedous gift that is! But the gift is more valuable with every step she makes towards knowing and acknowleging her beauty and self worth. After all, the gift that is precious and valuable to the giver is worth far more than the gift that is not valued by the giver - no matter it's true worth.
SrMichael

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RE: Validate me - 11/17/2007 11:29:21 AM

slaveofKaos

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I have heard some subs/slaves in other relationships think they were ugly or not as pretty as they wanted to be. I am not saying it is not up to them to valadate themselves but sometime you need someone to say "hey I thin your beautiful" to get you to start thinking it. Nobody is everybods cup of tea, chances are there are a lot of people that find each and every person ugly for some reason or another. Then there are some people who do think there georgous, but still need the valadation because if they never hear it from others they start to doubt. Self image is a hard thing for most people in way way or another, and I personally believe that the only person/people my looks should matter to are myself and the people i'm with. If we didn't care what we looked like we would never ask our partner/partners "how does this look on me?," but we all need valadation sometimes.

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RE: Validate me - 11/17/2007 11:31:46 AM

slaveofKaos

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quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot

I do seek some forms of validation from people that are important in my life.
I look for my reflection in them and I know that from what they tell me.

But I don't really let what anyone says (anymore at this time in my life) make me feel bad or good.
I just place it in my wisdom book, and if I pull it out and I find meaning I move closer to the person I want to be.

Missy.