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RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 7:44:00 AM   
kyakitten


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		Actually I think "sociopaths" are probably only a small subset of people who cheat. As someone posted before, characteristics of sociopathy include "... lack of moral / ethical sense.... lack of or displacement of guilt, self-centeredness." Lay research into the psychological definition seems to indicate that lack of guilt/conscience is the defining characteristic.

The people I know who have cheated include several whose conflicted feelings have led them into deep depression or suicidal attempts. The coexistence of guilt and its implication of an internal moral code inherently means that neither their personality nor their behavior was sociopathic.

In most cases, I believe someone who cheats is pursuing a rotten solution to a larger problem. That problem could be any number of external or marital issues, as mischievous pointed out, plus obvious personal shortcomings in critical areas such as decision-making skills. While I detest the behavior - and won't tolerate it in my own relationships - I personally find it sad and unrealistic to blanket-condemn strangers along with their harmful behaviors. Better to pity those who find themselves in a situation so bad and with an imagination so limited that cheating is the only "solution" they can find.

(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 7:56:11 AM   
Fidelity


Posts: 192
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		I cannot find pity for those who do the wrong thing.

They made thier own choices,and have to deal with the consequences.

(in reply to kyakitten)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 8:14:58 AM   
DublinSwitch


Posts: 59
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fidelity

I cannot find pity for those who do the wrong thing.

They made thier own choices,and have to deal with the consequences.


I just hope that you keep on making your correct decisions.

The rest of us screw up occasionally, and some people even manage to take an understanding position on it, which I would not define as 'pity', perhaps 'humanity' would be a better term.

Cheers

DS

(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 9:58:50 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DublinSwitch

I just hope that you keep on making your correct decisions.

The rest of us screw up occasionally, and some people even manage to take an understanding position on it, which I would not define as 'pity', perhaps 'humanity' would be a better term.

Cheers

DS

We all hope we keep making the right decisions, and having a good set of ethical values can help with that. If life offers us a thousand shades of grey that can sometimes seem like being lost in a fog bank, think of ethics as a kind of compass pointing the way to go. Its no guarantee you won't trip in the fog, but at least you'll know which way to turn. And when we do screw up, we all have to face the consequences, that's just life. Why should we ask for pity or humanity for our mistakes, we've all done stupid things (and speaking personally I have a long list ) and we take our lumps for them. I don't want people to pity me for the mistakes I've made, I ask for no sympathy, I've done dumb things in my life and its as plain and simple as that. But I do hope people will look at me and see a guy who's learned from his mistakes and strives hard to be a better man for the lessons they taught me. My ethics are partly a result of that learning process and if someone can listen to the ethics I sometimes had to learn the hard way and avoid the mistakes I made, even better.

Its not that Fidelity or myself or anyone else doesn't make mistakes, its what we do about them that counts. If we come off as sounding like we ride a high horse for it, its worth bearing in mind we often got up there on stepping stones collected from wrong turns in life.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to DublinSwitch)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 10:08:21 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		The profile posted by Fidelity seems crystal clear to me. Why this woman thought she had a snowball's chance escapes me for the moment! WHY she is cheating isn't the issue at all. I wouldn't have had anything to do with her, either.

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 10:17:24 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
i am so heartened by the Doms who have written not only would They refuse to become involved with a married woman, but They experience outrage at the idea of cheating. i was cheated on in my marriage for years and never -- ever-- did anything to break my vows. i was later cheated on by some really stupid men i dated. Some men seem to believe the first time does not count. Cheating is a cluster of behaviors -- of course there's the f**king at the center, but there's the accusing the wife/husband of cheating to keep them offbalance; the lying about where you've been; the arguing with the wife/husband who accuses you of cheating; but they time the break up occurs, the cheater has hurt his or her spouse; the person he cheated with, and lowered himself or herself to pondscum. Unhappy at home? Want to date ? GET A DIVORCE.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/11/2005 10:18:11 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to ChereeAmoor)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 10:19:01 AM   
Fidelity


Posts: 192
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		I make mistakes, the same as anyone else. Better yet,I learn from others,and don't have to make them. In EVERY case,I hold myself accountable for my choices. I prefer not to keep making the same mistakes,and expect different results.

That's purely insane. I don't pity those who act in insane manners-they need PROFESSIONAL help..-but I am not qualified to do so-nor do I care for the emotional vampirism of being latched onto by such. And the sorts of people who constantly indulge in "Pity parties" WILL suck you dry,if you allow them to.

I refuse to be bled white by sociopathic ,mentally unbalanced, creatures who only serve themselves-and very ineffectively. Does that seem harsh to you?

It's a simple survival skill man. The creatures who have no skill in scraping off parasites die. It's an evolutionary advantage.

I have a very simple motto.

"Love and compassion for those who prove WORTHY of it,indifference and scorn for the rest."

In MY world, this works and quite well-only quality people make it through my filters.

< Message edited by Fidelity -- 8/11/2005 10:20:48 AM >

(in reply to DublinSwitch)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 2:02:11 PM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		It always amazes me that people are so quick to judge. So fast to point fingers. Its so easy to say if you are unhappy get a divorce. I was in an unhappy marriage where my husband could not ever meet my needs. But yet he and i loved each other very much. So after i finally opened my mouth and spoke to him about what i wanted and needed. We agreed to walk this road together. Now he is submissive to me, and i have a Dom. They both know about the other and we are trying to work things out. Sure i went through my years of "my husband can't know" relationships. And im not proud of that. But it was out of fear, that i never opened my mouth and communicated. So perhaps if we stop pointing fingers and reach out to some of these people and try to help them. Perhaps then they wouldn't feel so afraid and alone. Not all married people who look for something else are just looking for a quick fix. Alot of times they are just lost. Much like i was.

(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 2:09:51 PM   
Fidelity


Posts: 192
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		You do it honestly,and openly.

No comparison to cheaters..

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 2:24:59 PM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		i do now yes, but i have been in that situation. I am human, i have made mistakes. And yes i did own up to them. I had to sit and watch as the truth came out and it tore him apart. You ask how could someone do it? How could someone cheat? I am a well educated woman. I have no mental illness. I don't consider myself a selfish person. I was lost. Both my husband and i went through years of not talking, just going through the motions of a marriage. When i meet or talk to people now who are trying to get some on the side, i talk to them and try to get them to talk to their spouse. I am fortunate, my husband forgave me and loved me enough to walk with me. It was also the hardest thing i have ever had to face in my life. But having been there, i can understand why people cheat. And that didn't make it right. I knew it was wrong. And believe me it was not with a callous heart. I ached all the time from it. Fidelity, i can appreciate your strong convictions. To be honest i wish i had led the first part of my marriage with such strong convictions. I suppose my point is before we point fingers at everyone, sometimes its best to find reasons why, or try to guide people towards a better solution, instead of throwing up our hands and saying this person is a waste. Anyway peace to you all.

(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 2:44:56 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Thank you for your posts justatoy. The regulars here know i was in a similar situation a few years ago where Hubby wasn't meeting my needs and i was afraid to speak up, so found a dom outside my marriage. When Hubby found out we talked for hours about it and He forgave me and wanted to learn to be my Dom. It has worked out very well for us.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 3:10:14 PM   
caitlyn


Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline 		I think it is very cool to take a moral stand, and maybe a little less cool to be judgemental towards other people.

I'll go out with an older married guy in a minute, as long as he tells me in advance that he's married. He's not going to get me in bed, but we can go out, have fun, go dancing, get drunk, whetever. If he is really cool, fooling around a little isn't out of the question.

I don't want to know about his situation at home, and really don't care. We're both getting what we want I guess. Maybe he is hurting his wife at home, but maybe she is doing the same thing ... that's just none of my business.

I'm only responsible for me. I do a crummy job of that already, without worrying about someone else.

_____________________________

I wish I could buy back ...
the woman you stole.

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 3:49:42 PM   
junkyard


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/13/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameDahlia
... maybe it's a marriage of onvenience... maybe her husband is gay and happily boinking boys up the bottom (say that three times fast)...


If those scenarios were true, there'd be no reason not to mention such exceptional circumstances right away, up front. Also, such circumstances allow for honesty as required by Fidelity.

The fact that the husband cannot know tells you that things are sketchy with the couple in question.

(in reply to MadameDahlia)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 3:56:29 PM   
Fidelity


Posts: 192
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		She flat out admitted that she was cheating,and had done it with a string of men before me. Also has an 8 year old daughter.

There were no shades of grey,or mitigating factors,except in her own little mind. A mind I didn't WANT to get to know any better,much less have in my home. Things were beyond "sketchy". He had no idea,she took advantage of him traveling.

I found her to be truly loathesome. I wonder how many cheaters know that the majority of the population regard them as pond scum? I would guess,quite a few,considering the cultural bias against it.

And yet,with all of that pressure NOT to,with full knowledge of possible consequences-they do. I am not pond scum.

I do not mix with pond scum,I hose it away. It stinks.

(in reply to junkyard)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 4:12:21 PM   
junkyard


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/13/2005
Status: offline 		Pretty fun thread, yet again...

I know it seems wild at first if you have never seen this kind of thing before, but here is a site dedicated to explaining Satanic Ethics: http://www.dpjs.co.uk/ethics.html

The fact of it is, that's how many of us live our lives whether we openly admit or not. As it happens, I don't believe in Satan, but then neither do most Satanists I have met. All politically incorrect fun in my opinion....

(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 4:48:44 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: junkyard

Pretty fun thread, yet again...

I know it seems wild at first if you have never seen this kind of thing before, but here is a site dedicated to explaining Satanic Ethics: http://www.dpjs.co.uk/ethics.html

The fact of it is, that's how many of us live our lives whether we openly admit or not. As it happens, I don't believe in Satan, but then neither do most Satanists I have met. All politically incorrect fun in my opinion....

During my religious/spirituality serious researching and exploration phase I seriously considered satanism. I ultimately decided it was a bit too far on the selfish/socially unaware edge system to work for me. But I find it a lot more honest and practical than most systems of belief.

(in reply to junkyard)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 5:05:07 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

I wonder how many cheaters know that the majority of the population regard them as pond scum?


You are entitled to your opinion and preferences. But just for the record, no one that knows me, including my husband of 37 yrs, considers me "pond scum" or any of the other derogatory terms you used in your posts here.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 8:12:48 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah BLAH

No matter how you dice it, slice it, or eat it, Cheating is wrong. Lets take a step down the educational road folks - )

Dishonesty is wrong,
Cheating is dishonest
Lying is wrong
cheating is wrong

Wow, the similarities!!!!! Anyone know some one that cheats, but doesnt lie? Hell of a concept. Cheating lying, dishonesty, amazing they all fall right into place in my head. So similiar. Tell me folks, can you do one with out the other?

Or are we suddenly in agreement that LYING is okay? Let me go back and read through that honesty thread ONE more time and see if i didnt understand the majority here. Shall i post another thread that says CHEATING IS WRONG?

And i dont care whose moral ethical fiber drink i'm spilling here, or filling.

That being said. i've cheated <winks at ya> Aye, when i was 16, 18, and 19. hmmmmmmmm yuppers, i think thats it. Cheated a few times on folks. Do ya know what i figure?

i MUST be missing something in MY relationship to where i am LOOKING ELSE where for fullfillment, what in the tarnation am i doing with some one i am not OBVIOUSLY being fullfilled by? So after cheating, i always promptly broke up with them. Sure it was easy, i was a kid, and its only hearts. Still.. fact being

Know what else i figure ppl?

Its only pensis, vaginas and butts. Holes to plug. Honestly, its not big deal. Its the lying, the manipulating and the games that are detrimental.

Know what else i figure? Explained to a friend of mine about drugs and crack. This girl had a boyfriend who wouldnt touch the stuff but smoked pot. Yet smoking pot, is wrong. Makes ya dumb in my book. but hey. But once you open a door to a "wrong" and you get comfortable in it, it makes it less wrong. Its like anything, the more you practice, the easier it is to do. Its juuuuuuuuuuust a door you're opening (knock knock whose at the other side) Pots only a gateway drug because it opens a door to do more. Kind of like most things. It suddenly starts to be okay in yoru mind, your thinking changes.

But i sit on both sides of the fence
and personally

Go cheat
Go lie
what do i care? Not my heart your breaking, not my loyalty your breaking, not my trust your breaking. So really i could give two pennies over a rolling donut if ppl cheat or not. But doesnt take away from the fact that its wrong. So go cheat, go be dishonest, go be yourselves, who cares, only you have to live with you. = )

And emerald, dont jump in and project yourself upon me. Aint being "bi polar" i'm being funny, silly, and i'm making fun all the while, trying to make a point and educate. But mostly i am just amusing myself here. Why? Because these are basic concepts in my mind. Didnt really think it was all that hard for others to catch.

But as they say

It takes all kinds of ppl for the world to spin
and if i can stand on top and pee while it does
i'm a happy girl

(yeah i really cracked myself up with that last line)

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 8:18:20 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
And emerald, dont jump in and project yourself upon me.

Ahhh that's it..it's all just me projecting it onto you.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I seem to care more about your SO than you...... - 8/11/2005 8:23:45 PM   
Fidelity


Posts: 192
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		Good, then any more like that should be avoiding contact if they read these forums.

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 40
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