RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk?

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/25/2007 6:06:44 PM

MaamJay

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Yay that's good news candy ... and what I also expected to hear given what you have posted about your Master before! He comes across as someone who admits He is still learning, someone who isn't setting Himself up on a pedestal ... so don't you put Him on one or it will hurt Him when He falls off! As amicia said, we are ALL humans and we ALL have flaws ... and the best thing we do as partners is to help each other work through those.

Glad to hear My words helped too

Best wishes to you and He
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/25/2007 7:05:21 PM

Tigrita

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I only read about the first 2 pages, but when I saw what exactly your problem was, I thought I'd chime in. I had the impression, even before you sated the specific problem, that your 'fraidy cat' problem is probably behind most of the stress. This is probably something he does without even realizing it, no ill will, and will probably be surprised and sympathetic when you come to him with it. If he is hurting you and doesn't realize it, I'm sure he'd want to know!

That said, I wouldn't get your hopes up that he can change the behavior that much. I agree with others who have said that this is a personality trait. Just like I'm terrible about parking my car in the no parking zone without realizing it, and forgetting to pay the tickets to boot, despite my best interests; and constantly fall out of touch for a day because I let my phone die or forget it at home... Still, I think it will make both of you feel better to at least get it off your chest so he is aware of the situation and you aren't hiding something from him.

I actually have had the same exact problem, and it really hurt me at first. But once I came to accept that there is no ill-will, and that it simply isn't something conscious and thus can't really be consciously changed, I was able to just adjust my expectations and laugh it off. I also did bring it up to him and it did help somewhat. When we're being bratty, Charlotte and I tease him about 'Stephan minutes' vs. real minutes when he says he'll do something in 15 minutes. And I just don't take it personally if I don't get an email first thing in the morning when he said he would. I know he meant to when he said it, and absent-mindedness or life just got in the way; I just know that we will get in touch at some point and don't take it as a slight. I think it has improved though in the sense that I've asked that he not say a specific time if he isn't sure about when he'll get a chance to do something or how long something will take so at least I'm not sitting around for '5 minutes' for him to call me back that become 30 minutes. Instead I just assume he'll call me back 'later' and I start doing other things, and he phrases things that way more often after I mentioned the discrepancy.

Best of luck to you. I think it boils down to never being ashamed of your feelings, and not keeping anything bottled up. No more fraidy cat, kay? There really is nothing to be afraid of, things can only improve, or stay the same with new perspective. The only reason to be afraid is if he'd take offense or lash out, and if that is the case then you have bigger problems than follow-through. So no more fraidy cat.

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/25/2007 8:55:16 PM

carlie310

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(fast reply)

I think that often the risk of not speaking up is much larger. Don't speak up, and you continue to have unpleasant things happen, he doesn't know how unpleasant they are to you, and then sadness escalates. Speak up, and at least cards are on the table.

Glad it worked for you.

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/25/2007 9:02:26 PM

breatheasone

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quote:

So no more fraidy cat.

Ok...

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/26/2007 7:34:41 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

It occurs to me that because I have omitted the behavior I am seeking in put on that Y'all might be thinking something MUCH worse than is actually the case...so with that mindset I'll say . What I am speaking about is a lack of follow through...Not doing what you said you were going to do.....This behavior is very hurtful to me, for a whole host of reasons that my Master is aware of. He does NOT do this with ANY malice, or intentional misleading....I WHOLE heartedly believe He intends to do what He said He would...and "things just come up( A LOT)." This also makes it very hard to talk to Him about, because i KNOW He would NEVER hurt me on purpose...so I kinda feel bad for wanting to tell Him that He is doing just that, because its so hit and miss....

I came back this morning to check on this thread and wow! it exploded.

The above information is helpful for me in clarifying my original position. I do believe that the submissive needs to look at what is bothering her and decide whether or not the behavior or personality trait is bothersome enough that she knows within herself that it is going to be a bigger issue later.

I agree that what your Master is doing sounds like more of a behavioral pattern rather than a personality trait but for a lot of people, behavioral patterns do become part of their personality or their personality is responsible for their behavior. That does not mean it cannot be changed or that it should/should not be. In the case of the behavior you have mentioned, I can see where failure to follow through could be a very big problem for an ongoing, deepening D/s dynamic. But, as MadRabbit pointed out...the level at which your Master wishes to change, if he does, and his perception of how big of a problem it is may not match up to yours. There is a school of thought in behavioral relationships which advises people to not expect others to behave in the same way you would in any given situation...you will only end up disappointed. It is easily seen that this belief has to be tempered and changed slightly to fit into a D/s dynamic because most dominants expect a change in certain behavior patterns in their submissive. Coming back to my original question to you...do submissives have the right to expect the same changes? To an extent, yes. In a case of a pattern of behavior that is either self-destructive or destructive to the relationship, most certainly they have a right to express themselves and note the dominant's response. His response will help them to determine where things go for her. Given the work that is necessary to maintain and build an honest and open D/s dynamic, bringing forth such important subjects should not...in MY mind...be the catalyst to blow things apart but if the bringing forth does blow things apart, then it may not have been the dynamic that both parties were under the impression it was.

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/26/2007 9:22:51 AM

juliaoceania

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In any relationship that one values it is hard to communicate that something that the other person is doing is a boundary for you in a relationship, and if they cannot stop doing whatever that is that they are doing...<insert behavior here>... that you will not be able to continue in the relationship. I had this trouble with my very best friend from school, she used drugs, and I began to get phone calls at my home at all hours for her because I discovered she was dealing. I had a toddler, I had to tell her she either quit drugs or I could no longer have her in my life. I have not spoken to her since. It still breaks my heart, but she had crossed a boundary. She was risking my home and my UM.

If there was something that I felt put me at risk emotionally or physically that my Daddy was doing, I would hope that he would stop. I might even fear losing him if I demanded that he stop, but I cannot expect that he would. We are both ultimately free to decide if something works or does not work for us for whatever reason either of us may decide this....I pick my battles with anyone carefully, and if I make an issue of something with anyone, well I am prepared to make a sacrifice of that relationship... just like with my friend that used and sold drugs... it is a hard choice to make if one is forced to. It is often not so clearcut as it was in my example, but the longer I exist in a D/s structured relationship, the more I see that it is just a human interaction, and there are some things that all human interactions have in common whether parents, siblings, friends, or doms and subs....people have boundaries, and either these are respected or the relationship will eventually end.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/26/2007 9:23:22 AM >

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RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? - 11/26/2007 11:01:52 AM

Baroque

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It is a relationship. It doesn't matter how you label it.

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