RE: What are legitimate hard limits?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: What are legitimate hard limits?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: What are legitimate hard limits?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 10:19:55 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

when this slave first heard the terms "hard limits" or "soft limits", she thought that it was merely folks limiting other folks as to what sexual activites would be engaged in within a scene and/or relationship.

she had no idea folks actually judged and ridiculed each other by how many or what sort of limits they have or don't have and that there are some folks out there in the big world of BDSM that reportedly need to be reminded that cutting off limbs, cannabilizing offspring or spending life in prison are not acceptable within a scene or relationship.

this slave accepted Master's limits as to what activities (sexual or otherwise) would be engaged in (or not) and respects the boundaries He has drawn for her, upon becoming His slave.

does this slave have hard limits, imposed on her by Master, as to what is or is not considered acceptable behavior, speech, appropriate dress and activities (sexual or otherwise)---absolutely!

does Master have hard limits, imposed on Him by His slave~propping up mental, emotional, intellectual, spiritual or physical boundaries that He is not allowed to cross...or else!!!-that's it!!!-done-deal??? Nope-this slave can't even imagine attempting to limit Him or control His access to ANY part of His slave in any way, shape or form.

to this slave, limiting Master is repulsive...and goes against the Master/slave foundation our relationship is built on.

(in reply to pinakorbacs)

Post #: 21

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 10:26:27 AM

simplyserves

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/16/2007
Status: offline

"Legitimate" is difficult to quantify in this case and is probably best left as subjective. So any hard limit, then, is legitimate, although it may be called unreasonable.

I've always seen it as a spectrum of hard limits on one end, soft limits in the middle and unsought activities at the other end.

My hard limits are that I won't do anything that will threaten my employment or relationships, harm another person with out their consent or cause me permanent injury. Each seems to be reasonable and mostly common sense. My soft limits are things I don't want to do but am open to doing and are generally what people call hard limits. They depend largely on the circumstances and details. For instance I don't have any interest in, and am specifically averse to being pierced. None-the-less I served a woman who thoroughly enjoyed this activity and because I trusted that she knew what she was doing, was safe and experienced, I sucked it up and let her have her fun. The same goes for corporal punishment, although I'm much less averse to it and don't enjoy it for it's own sake, it's common for me to endure it for others and a joy to be able to please someone with my submission to it.

On the other end are things I don't seek out but have no aversion to, merely having a lack of interest. Many would argue that D/s requires mutual satisfaction, and it may to a degree necessitate the submissive enjoying themselves to keep them around but that's something I actively seek to avoid needing myself as a process of submitting to another for their benefit, which sometimes involves denying my own needs. This may mean I do things I find boring or tedious but it's my road to walk in finding my own sense of fulfillment in service and not play.

In my opinion the closer a limit is to hard, on such a spectrum, the more reasonable it is and conversely the closer it gets to being, really, things that don't excite a person, the less reasonable it is. I think it really depends on why they're involved, though. If someone is seeking kinky play then it makes sense and seems very reasonable to insist on mutually satisfying activities but if they're seeking service oriented submission it seems unreasonable to expect their service to always be rewarded even given that it needs to be at times.

< Message edited by simplyserves -- 11/28/2007 10:30:50 AM >

(in reply to pinakorbacs)

Post #: 22

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 10:45:37 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Aren't all limits legitimate? They may be discussed, real relationships are living things, so limits may change, Still, a limit and is still a limit, and by its definition is legitimate.

Jeff

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 11/28/2007 11:03:01 AM >

(in reply to pinakorbacs)

Post #: 23

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 10:58:56 AM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

Jeff, some of em... like say country music or the like, would take a whole lot of explaining as being an actual hard limit, and not say, a matter of taste.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 24

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:01:50 AM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I call myself one of those "no limits slaves." This can be seen as scary but i would not engage in a relationship with someone who i felt it necesary to tell them that i will not commit murder for them. If i was with someone that i felt did not care enough about me to ask me to do things that would damage me forever i would not be his slave. I feel no need or desire to impose limits on Master. We communicate openly about everything and he knows very well the things that are going to push me emotionally. So far he has not pushed those edges too much yet as i am fairly new to his collar but there have been times where i have wanted to tell him "you can't make me do that" and if i had i would not have been forced into doing something that it turns out didn't break me.

Just because i have no right to impose limits on my Master does not mean he will ever ask me to cut off my arm. It does mean he is pushing me far beyond the limits i believed i had and is showing me the person i can be when no longer forced to limit myself.

No limits is not scary for me. A relationship in which i felt i had to have limits is.

charlotte

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 25

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:01:51 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Ok I will give you that one. Perhaps I should read the whole thread...lol

Jeff

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 26

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:11:11 AM

bestbabync

Posts: 1061
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline

do u think it is necessary to be cautious/have limits when meeting/scening with someone new?

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 27

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:13:06 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Personaly?, I think it's foolish if you don't, but thats just me

Jeff

(in reply to bestbabync)

Post #: 28

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:24:27 AM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

bestbaybync, I always felt that hard limits lists and especially negotiating was mainly set up for people that wanted to play but didn't know their play partner so that they could compare lists quickly and decide if they were going to play with each other. For those actually wanting to develop an M/s or D/s relationship such shortcuts don't work well to build a lasting relationship, but only indicate a particular area of compatibility.

Note to Jeff, I actually saw country music as a hard limit in someone's profile, so I'm not making that up.

(in reply to bestbabync)

Post #: 29

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:29:32 AM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

bestbaybync, I always felt that hard limits lists and especially negotiating was mainly set up for people that wanted to play but didn't know their play partner so that they could compare lists quickly and decide if they were going to play with each other. For those actually wanting to develop an M/s or D/s relationship such shortcuts don't work well to build a lasting relationship, but only indicate a particular area of compatibility.

Note to Jeff, I actually saw country music as a hard limit in someone's profile, so I'm not making that up.

My Master had "showtunes" as a hard limit in his profile when i first met him (i wonder if he still does.) I told him this would be a problem and we laughed about it.

I agree that in my relationships limits would suggest that i have an expectation of very little intimacy. If i am going to be given to another man i would hope that my Master would set limits with him as to what he can and cannot do with me. I would never dream of him having limits of how to use him own slave though.

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 30

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:36:38 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Personally for me country music is more of a soft limit

Jeff

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 31

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:38:04 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Personally for me country music is more of a soft limit

Jeff

Pfft
wuss

As to the Op

I don't set limits within relationships. Of any kind.

I have certain moral and ethical boundaries that are never crossed; but those are not the same as setting limits in the sense that you are speaking of here.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 11/28/2007 11:40:57 AM >

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 32

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:48:27 AM

bestbabync

Posts: 1061
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline

well i am confused. i am a sub searching still for the Dom/sub ltr relationship. i do not want the encounter i have with my perspective Dom to be limitless at first. shouldn't there be some type of safe guards for us subs? f

i believe that limits do disappear over time when the union becomes real and forever. i also believe that once that mutual love and trust gets stronger the limits go away.

am i wrong?

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 33

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:52:32 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bestbabync

well i am confused. i am a sub searching still for the Dom/sub ltr relationship. i do not want the encounter i have with my perspective Dom to be limitless at first. shouldn't there be some type of safe guards for us subs? f

i believe that limits do disappear over time when the union becomes real and forever. i also believe that once that mutual love and trust gets stronger the limits go away.

am i wrong?

Quite honestly, since you state that you yourself are still new....WAIT until you are with someone who you have taken the time to get to know...as in, more than a month; Don't try anything unless you are willing to place your LIFE in HIS hands...literally...any activity that you think is wrong for you, don't try yet...wait until YOU feel comfortable doing something and then do it because YOU want to, not because someone is telling you that you should.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to bestbabync)

Post #: 34

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:55:04 AM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bestbabync

well i am confused. i am a sub searching still for the Dom/sub ltr relationship. i do not want the encounter i have with my perspective Dom to be limitless at first. shouldn't there be some type of safe guards for us subs? f

i believe that limits do disappear over time when the union becomes real and forever. i also believe that once that mutual love and trust gets stronger the limits go away.

am i wrong?

In my personal experience I have seen the more trust the more some limits go away.
Let's look at that word though limits. When talk to potential partners, when they throw out the illegal limits as hard limits, I tend to laugh because in my opinion it's a safe bet that I'm not interested in doing anything illegal but we still tend to put that on our limits list.

The taboo things, are things some can work on, other times they can't. If someone is into BDSM but age play is hard limit based on their past then there's a chance regardless of the trust factor that can never be attempted, though in my experience it's a head space and form of play that they want.

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to bestbabync)

Post #: 35

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 11:57:30 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinakorbacs

Hi to everyone !
Though not new to CM or the lifestyle for that matter, this is my first post so bear with me ...
I always thought that hard limits refer to certain bdsm , sexual or other concrete/specific activities that one of the partners would not engage in, under any circumstances , for reasons of causing them extreme physical or emotional distress. It turns out there are subs that apply a very broad definition to the term, including abstract and very subjective feelings, such as 'don't ignore me "< whatever I do or don't do > as being a 'hard limit'. IMHO such an interpretation negates the very substance of the concept of submission. What others think on this?

I think those abstract and subjective things are pretty acceptable hard limits. In certain circumstances ignoring me and my needs would cause me extreme emotional distress. Valyraen doesn't want that, so he agreed to accept that limit. If he hadn't, we simply wouldn't have worked out. He would not have been the one for me.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to pinakorbacs)

Post #: 36

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 12:03:39 PM

bestbabync

Posts: 1061
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline

thank you IrishMist!

my thoughts exactly. but i have been called a fake and poser because i choose to wait.

i will not give up my search or goal in finding the one that cares how i feel

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 37

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 12:05:36 PM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bestbabync

well i am confused. i am a sub searching still for the Dom/sub ltr relationship. i do not want the encounter i have with my perspective Dom to be limitless at first. shouldn't there be some type of safe guards for us subs? f

i believe that limits do disappear over time when the union becomes real and forever. i also believe that once that mutual love and trust gets stronger the limits go away.

am i wrong?

I agree i guess my approach is just somewhat different. It's sort of the same issue i have with safewords. Just because a limit is expressed and in place does not guarantee that someone is going to respect it. I think that limits can create a false sense of security. If i can talk to my partner about how certain activities make me feel and trust that he doesn't want to cause me emotional damage than i feel no need to state something as a limit. If i can't communicate with someone in this way then why should i trust him not to break a limit i have imposed?

I'm not saying that boundaries aren't pushed the more initimate a relationship becomes. I trust Master with more and more parts of myself every day. I just wanted to point out that i find clear and consistent communication much more important that a list of limits. As a newbie you will probably want to explore things and will want to make sure you aren't damaged in the process. Setting limits will work for many ( i did it in the beginning as well) but i believe it works most effectively when done in a much more conversational manner rather than a laundry list presented to someone.

just my 2 cents

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to bestbabync)

Post #: 38

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 12:05:44 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bestbabync

thank you IrishMist!

my thoughts exactly. but i have been called a fake and poser because i choose to wait.

i will not give up my search or goal in finding the one that cares how i feel

I will take being a fake and a poser anyday over being what others would call real and true.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to bestbabync)

Post #: 39

RE: What are legitimate hard limits? - 11/28/2007 12:10:36 PM

bestbabync

Posts: 1061
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline

Charlotte & IrishMist,

i thank u both so much!

i just needed to hear someone else say all this!

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: What are legitimate hard limits?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

1.080