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RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/1/2007 9:56:22 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: arayofsunshine55

Everyone can tell you what an ass you have on your hands.  You know that already, you've known that for years.  But beating yourself up over it is also not productive.  IMO you need to figure out how you did this for so long.  And being new is not the real reason you put up with this.  Why did you allow yourself to be treated poorly, why did you embrace being treated poorly?    Some women do this over and over again, with men into bdsm, with men who are not.  Without really getting to the heart of what was going on in you, you could very well choose someone similar and not realize it until some time later.

Again, this is not about beating yourself up but rather about truly understanding yourself so you can be sure not repeat your actions, not create patterns which aren't good for you.



I bolded the part that I spent years in therapy trying to figure out, due to my marriage.  The first time my therapist told me to take my responsibility in this, I was angry - I did nothing wrong!!  But then one day, crying, I asked him, "Why did I let myself be treated that way?"  I also had to learn to forgive myself for that, too. 

There is a book I have, Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Mastery of Love".  In it, he teaches that all relationships begin with you, and how you feel about yourself.  You will allow just as much abuse and "emotional poison" as you inflict upon yourself.

The website below helped me in my journey of healing from the emotional abuse I experienced in my marriage and from my last dominant.  I recommend it to anyone in that kind of situation.

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/


(in reply to arayofsunshine55)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/1/2007 10:25:44 PM   
blondepisces


Posts: 29
Status: offline 		Hello Sunshine,
I totally agree with you and I think I've finally entered a phase in my life where I am trying to get to the root cause of why I choose the type of men I do and why I put up with bad behavior. Thank you for advice.

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/1/2007 10:28:39 PM   
blondepisces


Posts: 29
Status: offline 		Hello Mistress,
Sorry about the small font everyone.  I have trouble reading it myself :) 
 
I will try not to jump into anything until I feel much better about myself and can think clearly again.  Thank you for your advice and concern.  I am sorry I have not reached out to the community before.  I see now why so many people post here and it has been a source of comfort for me today.
 

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/1/2007 10:36:07 PM   
blondepisces


Posts: 29
Status: offline 		Dear Mrandme,
 
OMG, I am finally hearing the magical word - natural submissive :)
 
Thank you for believing I may be that.  I hope I do achieve the ability to trust myself and believe I am worth more so I will not get into the wrong relationship for me, again.
 
Thank you so much for your encouragement.

(in reply to MRandme)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/1/2007 10:42:11 PM   
Masterslena


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		i have been following this thread because some of it is sooooo familiar...(((hugs))) to blondepisces and anyone who needs them...

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/1/2007 10:57:48 PM   
SeekingMyrmidon


Posts: 47
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: usabadger
You are not a fool, an ass, or wrong in any way. You did not make a mistake. He will be fine and is not your problem nor will ever be. There is no shame in living your life however you choose.

You are a warm, loving, beautiful vision of humanity. You are indeed as perfect as flesh can be. Your future holds the most glorious life of love and happiness in pure ecstacy.

<hugging you until you know the truth and a confident smile is permanently etched on you face>

-Badger




I think Badger says it beautifully. It's wonderful that you are taking steps to remove yourself from this emotionally unfulfilling and demoralizing situation.

As horrible as it's been (and it sounds pretty horrible, you poor thing!), it's possible that this situation will have taught you things to look for and look out for in a partner. In time you can look back on this experience and be grateful for the lessons it brought, and how it helped you make choices that bring you joy and fulfillment.

*wishing you all good things*


_____________________________

"What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil."
-- Nietzsche

(in reply to usabadger)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 12:33:51 AM   
velvetpetal


Posts: 127
Joined: 2/3/2005
Status: offline 		Unbelievable...
  The guy is "blind" as can be...if he thinks the new girl you found for him is a sub.... obviously she isnt..as, since you say..she is only staying with him..for the sex....thats a sub?...a dream come true ?

Naw...he is a man going through a mid life crisis..and this girl is only an equilvalant of a "tropy wife"

And like any vanilla man that leaves his wife and children, all for a new younger, prettier..sexier...whatever model, he is blind completely to anything other then the fantasy life he is living inside his head...hot new girlfriend/wife...bet all my buddies are green with envy. Look at me...look at my new "trophy" I was able to get.!!!!
Proof even more to him being blind is the fact that he cant see that the new girl isnt a sub..and likely will never serve him AS a sub,...
But perhaps her youth & attractiveness will be reward enough....that is up to the jackass.

Now, normally i usually dislike it when people judge others by thinking they know enough about a person to be able to say insulting things like "He/She/You isnt/arent really aDom/me/Master/Mistress/sub/slave" BUT...in this case...it seems i will say it about two people in one post...
                         From what i have read...
                          he ISNT a Master
                             He has spent YEARS doing damage to your emotional well being..emotional health...self esteem..mental health...a man that does that..is nothing but an abuser. Nothing more then a guy who happenstanced come across the lifestyle...and used it as a way to justify himself and his ideas...and making himself feel right.

Sooo  here is what i'd do..i'd write him a letter:

Hey Jackass,
blah blah blah....
We are over so do not ever contact me ever again!
                                             your name
Tell him whatever ya want ..fill in the blah blah blanks...but there is no reason to be sweet and submissive behaving in the goodbye letter. He seemingly wouldnt expect it anyways...but id tell him ALL the reasons why i was leaving the jerk..and then mail it off...and stick WITH your decision...dont go back.

As for the girl you found for him.. i'd usually say she is a big girl and will learn her own lessons ..but since you brought her in..she is partly your responsibility...do whatever it takes to help her get away...and if she still insists on staying...drop her too.



_____________________________

When love beckons to you, follow Him,Though His ways are hard and steep.
~~ from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 7:31:01 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i bolded and underlined key pieces to your post. what i don't understand is why you have a problem with kicking the guy to the curb.
mind you, i never read any of the replies, just the post, and unless you have severe self-esteem issues, or get off on humiliation/degradation , i see no reason why you would be sticking around!

quote:

ORIGINAL: blondepisces

I have never posted before but have enjoyed reading many posts and appreciate that there is a place to go and talk to people who may understand. My family and a few friends know I am into this lifestyle and think I am either perverted or in an abusive relationship. I realy have no one to talk to about this and don't know why I am posting a situation I caused, but I guess if enough people tell me the same thing it will finally sink into my head what I must do. I hope that I am not blasted too much.
 
At the very beginning of our involvement (which started out vanilla) my Master gave me a task to find other submissives to join us.  I have always felt this was something really advanced and difficult to ask a novice sub, but I understood this task to be a test to prove my submissiveness to him and have been working delingently to do as he orders. I have never been collared by him because he says I am not worthy and not a real submissive. But he was willing to enter into this casual arrangement with me and meet for weekly D/s scenes.
 
His behavior to me for the past 3 years has been hot and cold.  He tells me he has given me many chances to be what he wants, has wanted to stop seeing me and continually tells me I am not really submissive especially when I do not produce subs to meet with us. I try to do everything he tells me, but do have difficulty with orders sometimes and freeze, unable to do as he asks.  I think too much and just cannot get past my thoughts and do what he orders. He used to get so angry with me when I failed to follow an order.
 
I was successful finding another femaile about a year ago but he was not happy with the type of person I introduced, so on I set out and renewed by efforts to find the 'perfect' sub he would want and maybe finally be happy with me.  Well I recently found her and he is quite smitten with her. Unfortunately for me, his behavior towards me has not improved and has gotten much worse.  I feel he does not appreciate what I have sacrificed and done for him.  The hurt feelings and jeolousy of the tender way he acts towards the new sub is very difficult for me to deal with. Also, he does not want the subs talking with each other. I feel protective of this new sub because she is brand new to this lifestyle so I have communicated with her a little. She discovered she is not really into being controlled and just enjoys sex with him. She was thinking of discontinuing seeing him. I just wanted to be a sister sub to hear and be there to talk with if she needed it. I did not want to betray my Master's trust by talking to her.  Somehow he knew we spoke and now accuses me of lying to him and betraying him. 
 
[size=1]He is not speaking to me now and I really need to discuss this with him. I know I should probably just walk away and let him be happy with his new sub but can't help feeling used and so useless that I could not be the sub he wanted. I find it very difficult to fail at most things and just want to know what I did wrong.


(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 8:08:38 AM   
Darkhaven80


Posts: 76
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline 		I'd get away from him. I've been in a very similar experience and some men seem to get off on the fact of having the person be on unstable grounds and uncertain. It makes people miserable quick, believe me. It almost becomes where you're hesitant to say the wrong thing not to spark off a negative response, so you sit there and have to analyze everything you say before a simple sentence. Being on shaky ground is a turn-on for some but horrible for the emotional health of most.

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 8:19:28 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Wow, I wouldn't even give that guy the time it would take to compose a thoughtful fuck you letter.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Darkhaven80)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 8:20:11 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I can only hope you are truly hearing what everyone is saying to you, that you are infact not in a D/s relationship but an abusive relationship... there is a big difference between the two, a D/s relationship should  build you up provide joy and pleasure and make your feel treasured, adding to your self esteem , an abusive relationship does the opposite, which is what you are experience now.    The best thing you could do is leave him and find help for yourself in the form of counselling in order to heal, re build your self esteem  and to help you prepare for a healthier relationship in the future,  and I would not suggest jumping into another relationship right away because without the tools and time to heal you would only  be setting yourself up for more unhappiness.

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 9:45:56 AM   
chathamvahere


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Dear, you have done nothing, you seem so devoted,( He is the loser period), he is using you to find him the perfect sub, my advice to you is cut him loose and fast, I know you care for him ,but by your own words it seems very one sided, rarely does this work, it is a form of abuse. There is nothing healthy in this relationship as far as I can apprehend.

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 10:16:47 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		we teach people how to treat us.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 10:49:11 AM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		I’m with MRandme’s g.  I wouldn’t write him either.  You wanna write; write for yourself TO yourself.
 
What I have discovered is, when we first discover BDSM, and especially D/s, we have such strongly emotional responses of “I’ve come home!”, “Finally, a place where I’m understood!” and so on…to the degree that we get carried away; the pendulum swings too far, we go overboard.
 
You may very well be a natural submissive, but a natural submissive can also be quite competent, self assured and capable.  Don’t kid yourself, or let someone else kid you…you’ve heard it before, haven’t you: “I may be submissive, but I’m not a door mat”.  Keep that in mind!  Remember as many say, “I want a submissive, NOT a doormat”.  Anybody who is self-confident is more attractive and fun to be around than is someone who is so beat down they cannot even voice an opinion.  Keep in mind, people want partners and partnership is a win/win proposition!
 
You have a right to be happy in your service to another.  You have a right to be treated well and cared for right back!  Ron is right again; it’s true that everybody needs cuddling!
 
Hang around here, do some searches of the boards (if you need help with that, send me a note, I’ll help you).  Rather like flipping your pillow in the middle of the night, enjoy the cool comfort many offer here and just move forward.  Don’t bother looking back just now.
 
Crouchingtigress, as usual, made a good point; we teach people how to treat us…you need to ACT like you deserve better and KNOW it.
 
Good luck!
Beverly

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 11:42:01 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You've been used and he's kept you hanging on with false promises. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 11:58:18 AM   
blondepisces


Posts: 29
Status: offline 		Hello Velvet,
you are right, I feel he will stay with her because she is young and beautiful and the sex will be great. After all he stayed with me because the sex was good for 'him'. I do take my responsibility to her seriously have tried to warn her without being a jerk and blasting him too much.  Maybe there is a chance he will be good to her.
 
 

(in reply to velvetpetal)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 12:15:56 PM   
TolerableCruelty


Posts: 447
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lanie38

I would of told him to go f$#%%k himself a long time ago but that's me.

Walk away, no RUN as fast as you can in the opposite direction..and don't look back.

Best of luck to you..

~lanie




Best answer for the given situation, in my opinion.
Sounds like a first rate asshat thats too lazy or fearful of rejection to go out and try to find his own girls.

~T.R.

_____________________________

Never explain~~Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you

I'm sorry if I've offended you.... but maybe you needed to be offended

(in reply to lanie38)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 12:22:08 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		blondepisces,

I am not going to repeat all the stellar advice given by my fellow posters but as a fellow Jersey girl who has been through some life experience (but NEVER the crap you are dealing with!!), let me say this:

I get very upset when I read posts like yours from a woman of a certain age (I am your age) and not some kid.

It does not matter if you are new to BDSM or just born, you always have to be true to yourself and your own emotional and physical well being.

You mentioned earlier that you have a dark side that thrives on drama; I totally get that; I am like that as well and stayed in a very long relationship (10 years) that was not healthy for me simply because of an addiction to the drama of that relationship. I felt somewhat emotionally abused, but it was nothing like you are describing. We were in love, but not right for each other.

Your guy on the other hand, sounds like he was not in love or even like with you and certainly, has no knowledge of being a good man, let alone a good Dominant.

He used you, you know it, now what are you going to do? I would not ever speak to him again, and, sorry, but I would not speak to the other woman either; even if she is an innocent here, she will just be a conduit for more pain for you in that you will still be tied to him, through her.

You recognize a pattern in picking the wrong men and giving too much; that is your only job for now. BDSM relationships are no different than vanilla when it comes to matters of self worth and the heart.

Someone once posted something here in the forums that I will NEVER forget; they said:

Never make someone a priority who sees you only as an option.

I would needlepoint that on a pillow.

Good luck to you.

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 8:18:18 PM   
blondepisces


Posts: 29
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for all your advice. I've decided to focus on myself and forget this person. I would like postings to this to end.  Moderator please close this post.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Completed my task and Master still not happy with me - 12/2/2007 8:29:39 PM   
blondepisces


Posts: 29
Status: offline 		For those of you who have sent me your considerate emails, please know I have appreciated them.

(in reply to blondepisces)
Profile   Post #: 80
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