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References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:29:46 PM

SimplyMichael

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If you don't know what to ask and who to ask for references they may well be worthless. However like any tool, the better you understand them the more useful they can be.

There people, have your discussion here and not in my thread...

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:31:22 PM

missturbation

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As i said in your other thread :-
References are only as reliable as the person giving them.

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:36:55 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

If you don't know what to ask and who to ask for references they may well be worthless. However like any tool, the better you understand them the more useful they can be.

There people, have your discussion here and not in my thread...

I don't trust in the words of others; I trust my own instincts about people. So...for me...references mean absolutly shit.

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:40:22 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

If you don't know what to ask and who to ask for references they may well be worthless. However like any tool, the better you understand them the more useful they can be.

There people, have your discussion here and not in my thread...

ok... why do I feel like I am missing something here.... Can someone enlighten me.

mmmmmmm and I don't really know who to ask... and it just might be what you have to say is completely worthless...

But not to worry... I will be quick to understand and will advise you quickly that your full of shit!!!

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:42:46 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

If you don't know what to ask and who to ask for references they may well be worthless. However like any tool, the better you understand them the more useful they can be.

There people, have your discussion here and not in my thread...

The way I see it is that references are simply a more refined version of something people have been doing for quite awhile: Going to mutual friends and others and asking "So, what's the scoop?" about a potential partner. The information is only worth as much as the source you got it from, but it can be useful.

I don't ask for them personally but if someone wanted them from me I would probably just suggest they attend some events that I've been known to attend as well.

Edited because it sent too soon

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/2/2007 6:44:15 PM >

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:45:06 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

If you don't know what to ask and who to ask for references they may well be worthless. However like any tool, the better you understand them the more useful they can be.

There people, have your discussion here and not in my thread...

ok... why do I feel like I am missing something here.... Can someone enlighten me.

mmmmmmm and I don't really know who to ask... and it just might be what you have to say is completely worthless...

But not to worry... I will be quick to understand and will advise you quickly that your full of shit!!!

LOL
Ok...now even I am confused

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:48:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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You have to be able to evaluate the references to judge their worth- how do you do that? Get references for your references?

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:52:25 PM

DedicatedDom40

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How common is it for vanilla-relationship searchers to seek formal references? What makes BDSM different from vanilla in this regard?

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:54:41 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DedicatedDom40

How common is it for vanilla-relationship searchers to seek formal references? What makes BDSM different from vanilla in this regard?

Aww come on now. You don't have to keep the secret anymore. You can tell the truth.

Us kinksters

are special , therefore, we need special means of finding partners.

Geesh...

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:58:01 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You have to be able to evaluate the references to judge their worth- how do you do that? Get references for your references?

I read tea leaves to establish the creditibility of my references

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:58:10 PM

missturbation

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Omg
I thought i was the only special person around here.
Mortified i am !!

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 6:59:56 PM

missturbation

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quote:

I read tea leaves to establish the creditibility of my references

You can only get 'proper' tea in the UK so it would be a false reading

< Message edited by missturbation -- 12/2/2007 7:00:24 PM >

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Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 7:18:42 PM

IrishMist

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LMAO Misst

SEnd me some please...so that we can be accurate on this side

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 7:28:01 PM

daddyncherry

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

If you don't know what to ask and who to ask for references they may well be worthless. However like any tool, the better you understand them the more useful they can be.

There people, have your discussion here and not in my thread...

ok... why do I feel like I am missing something here.... Can someone enlighten me.

mmmmmmm and I don't really know who to ask... and it just might be what you have to say is completely worthless...

But not to worry... I will be quick to understand and will advise you quickly that your full of shit!!!

Hi KOM

if i'm not mistaken he is refering to the thread about Skill Vs. Experience ....As usual things went off track.

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 7:40:41 PM

laurell3

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Just cutting and pasting my response made there already:

With regard to references, anyone can get someone to say anything on the internet. Unless you're going to meet that person in person (even then they can lie and never even have been with the person) and ask your potential partner to out their former partners to someone they don't know (which would be rude regardless of your current friendship status with them), what's the point? Using your head, using your instincts, proceeding carefully and listening/thinking/talking is much more important that any reference.

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 7:57:16 PM

ultsub

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I've never been sure how this "reference" thing is supposed to work. Smacks of "you're not good enough for me, but what about your girlfriend"

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 8:18:35 PM

slavegirljoy

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i provided my Master with a Letter of Reference from my then employer, who i had served in a nonsexual way, as a live-in housekeeper, groundskeeper, personal assistant, cook, etc. for two years. It provided an account of all of my duties and how satisfied he had been with my service, along with accounts of my trustworthiness and honesty. His name and phone number were included and he had signed it.

References can provide you with an assessment of someone from another's perspective. They aren't a guarantee that the person will be right for you. That's still something that you have to figure out on your own by getting to know them and by using your own internal (gut) feelings and/or using an investigative background check to get more information about them.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 8:31:25 PM

TreasureKY

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I suppose if you have references that you can offer, that is fine, but I personally don't have much use for them. I've done enough reference checking on prospective employees to know just how worthless they can be. Not saying they always are, but can be.

Reposted from a prior thread:

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

... I've always wondered just how those telephone conversations would go if I called a prospective partner's references...

*telephone rings*

Reference: "Hello?"

Me: *clears throat* "Ummm... yes... My name is losttreasure and I'm currently considering being with Joe in a relationship that will involve sex. I understand that you and he were once together?"

Reference: "Uhhh... yeah."

Me: "Good. Well, he has given me your name and information so that I could contact you. I'd like to ask you a few questions about your impressions of Joe, if you have a minute?"

Reference: "What kind of questions?"

Me: "Well... I'm trying to gauge if he's really capable of doing what he says he can do, or if he's just bragging. You know how men can be." *implied wink by tone of voice*

Reference: *hesitation* "What he can do? Such as?"

Me: *clears throat again* "Hmmm... let me see... he says that he can have me panting with lust, drooling from both ends, and promising ANYTHING to get off... that he will spend hours playing with me, building that lust, and have me reduced to a spasming cunt. Does that sound about right in your experience?"

Reference: *peal of laughter followed by coughing fit* "He said all that, did he? Hmmm... Look, Joe's a great guy... don't get me wrong. He is very capable in...er... that area; I don't have any complaints. But, well... you know about men and their egos, don't you? It's kinda like that cock size thing... thinking if they dazzle us enough we'll believe that five inches is really nine."

Me: *snorts with laughter* "Yeah... personally I've never had the heart to call any of them on it."

Reference: "I know what you mean. Well, like I said, Joe is a great guy. We just didn't have enough in common to keep things going on the outside. Perhaps you'll have better luck there."

Me: "Perhaps. Thanks for your time, though. Bye."

Okay, that was just done in fun, but my point was to illustrate how absurd I think it is to approach a relationship like a job. It might be an entirely different story if you are simply checking out a play partner and their reference was advised that you will call. Then again, I would also firmly believe that the reference I was contacting was carefully culled and selected for the purpose of giving only a good reference... and left wondering about the possible bad references that were passed over. I mean, why else give a reference?

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 8:34:28 PM

Rover

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I ask for, and offer, references from recognized BDSM groups/organizations which have more value (to me) than some anonymous individual. And while I don't discount those without references, I take that into consideration. Particularly if they claim to have any lengthy association with BDSM.

Jack Rinella has an interesting article on the topic that makes a case for the use of references.

http://albertasafecall.ca/Article6.html

John

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RE: References -Good Idea or Bad? - 12/2/2007 8:37:39 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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I hate the idea of needing references for a relationship, and I've hated being used as a reference. I've never asked anyone for a reference, and when strangers have emailed asking me about some man I've dated, all I feel is that my privacy has been invaded, and that sub is no gentleman since he kisses and tells.
The classy thing to do when asked for a reference is of course to keep things above board; otherwise, one is not much more than a catty/petty type who doesn't take responsibility for his/her choices and participation in a phucked up relationship in my opinion. M

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