quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
Magistrar, if he is unwilling to meet you half way and as you point out in one reply your dynamic requires that he does, how can you make it work?

True force would take you out of BDSM and put you into the category of abusive, would it not? So how can you force him?

At best in your given situation, since you are tied by money now, would be for you to start over as a couple. Talking won't do it, you need action. Renew your contact (if you didn't have a written one, do that this time around, having it is a good reference for you both when times get tough), come up with a set of daily rituals and rules he needs to follow and you need to enforce (make these specific and reasonable such as he is not allowed to call you by your name or he must remove his shoes in the household), and I'd strongly say get into couple's therapy too.

But I fear, much as IamJustMe2C shared, once the authority dynamic is compromised it is will be very very difficult to get back.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Magistrar

We had that discussion less than 1 week ago, I told him how I felt & pointed out that his aggressiveness is unacceptible & that I felt intimidated by him as his way of communicating with me is negative. He accepted the points I made & I his about me. Less than 1 week later he is back to talkin down to me again. I think he is complacent because I have no job presently which he rubs in my face constantly. I will suggest us seeing a counsellor and see if hes receptive to that. I do think that familiarity is an issue & hes crossed boundaries (i made allowances as he was going thru a hard time & couldnt cope with the stress of his job). I accept blame in this breakdown & want to resolve our issues IF they can be resolved but think it may be too late for that. He says he loves me & i am his world yet the contempt in his voice when he talks down to me is cutting.

Thank u for taking the time to give me some good advice.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

Some people cannot disconnect issues of money and work from issues of dominance.  More than one dominant man has seen his partner lose respect and love for him when he was no longer the "provider", or at least an economic equal in the relationship.  It's an ugly thing, but some people are just wired this way, and nothing will ever separate money and power for them; if you haven't got the former, you by definition haven't got the latter.

In your position I would start actively looking for a way out.  Being without personal and economic resources when a relationship ends is a horrible experience.  Don't victimize yourself, hide in denial or refuse to consider the worst case scenario:  whether the end comes or not, you cannot be in control in your own life or anyone else's until you stop thinking in terms of "being stuck".

If you're stuck, get unstuck.  Recover your power.  Make this man an option, not a necessity, especially in the socioeconomic sense.  Figure out how to support yourself, and provide yourself with food and shelter if and when you break up.  Take steps to regain your independence.  More talking about feelings might help save the relationship, sure--but if talking alone was enough to fix it all better, it would already be fixed.  He knows how you feel--it doesn't make a difference.

Not that I'm terribly sympathetic to the "money = power" fetish, but have you thought about how he might feel?  I'm not terribly into money myself, but I have seen many other people face this problem in DS and vanilla relationships. 

Looking at it from his point of view:  From what you've said, the social and economic power dynamic you had when this man fell in love with you has changed drastically.  Back then he was a student, probably pretty broke, trying to acquire career skills and not really having a secure place in the world:  you've also said he was a shy person without much confidence.  You, on the other hand, were a working professional with a career and resources of your own, independent and strong.  He probably looked up to you a lot, admiring your competence, independence, your strength--some people really do need to feel those things for their DS partner.

Now he's the working professional, and has gained a lot of self-assurance in life--but you've fallen apart.  You don't have a job, haven't had one for months, and from what you're saying you don't have any resources of your own at all.  You're absolutely dependent on him, financially if not also emotionally, to the point that you can't even walk out the door if he acts like a prick.  He walks all over you, bullies you, belittles you--challenges yours authority and boundaries in every way.  You do nothing about it but talk.

I think a lot of submissives, male and female, would not be happy in his position. Believe me, I don't think your man is handling it well, but I do think the solution is pretty obvious either way.  You have to recover your power--not over him per se, although that would be nice, but over your own life.  Whether you choose to stick with this guy or not--and you may not, given the side of him that you've now seen--it never pays to be so helpless and without options.

Start strapping on your parachute and get some kind of money of your own coming in.  You're going to need it, one way or the other...

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
Sometimes when submissives challenge and insult it's because they are uncomfortable with their own submission and role.  Could this be the case?

Regardless of the reason for the behavior one cannot live happily in a situation with another where they pick on your weak points which are obviously sensitive issues.   Counseling is a good idea as you have put alot into this relationship and love him.  However, being emotionally healthy and taking care of yourself is also important.

quote:

ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish
I agree! Cover your ass, recoup Your power!

You mentioned earlier 'I take the blame'. It is about taking responsibility, not blame. 'Blame' puts someone at the bottom of the heap with no personal power, see?

Irish

quote:

ORIGINAL: soultoshare
Magistrate, I am submissive, and would never dream of acting in the manner that yours appears to be doing so.   My guts say get out ASAP.  I agree with the others here, once you lose the respect, on EITHER side, of a relationship, then the chance of recovery is pretty slim.

quote:

ORIGINAL: soultoshare
Obviously, there is something under the surface that has tipped the power exchange to say the least.  The suggestion of counseling is fine, as long as you BOTH agree to it, but if he ends up footing the bill for it, just remember, that again will give him something to "shove in your face", as you say.

quote:

ORIGINAL: soultoshare
If I may offer some suggestions, first, take ANY job!  It's the Christmas holiday season, retail is hiring BIG TIME!  This will give you something to start moving forward with.  Look into housing assistance...with no income, you'll fall under the income guidelines.  And even with a minimum wage job, you should still be OK.  You have to start thinking of yourself here, get your own place, and then, once you have gotten some space between you two, then maybe you can pick up with him again.  I wouldn't, but that's just my guts talking.  I've learned the hard way, if you don't follow your inner voice, it's gonna bite you in the ass.

quote:

ORIGINAL: soultoshare
I'm just saying, there are options out there, look into them, take care of yourself  FIRST!  If he's acting in the manner you described now, it can only continue to go downhill.  Even disragarding the M/s aspect, part of a good relationship means supporting your partner, not trying to tear away their self-esteem and confidence

quote:

ORIGINAL: Magistrar
I worded it poorly when I said I was 'stuck', I'm not as I can move with short notice if I absolutely had to. I am stubborn, I have put a lot of work into our home, so has he, I don't want to part with what I  have worked so hard to create.