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How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:50:15 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		So, here's the deal.....Recently He and i were having a discussion about the M/s element in our relationship. As a way to increase this element, He has decided to become active on CM once again...... Sounds good enough right? hmmm...My issue with this has nothing to do with Him...It's about me and me alone. Despite this fact, He's very aware of my fears in regard to this.  In the past (due to my own crappy and screwed up choices) i've been lied to, cheated on, cheated with, etc. etc. etc. etc.  One of the things that i absolutely adored about Him was the fact that i never worried about Him finding someone else on here because since we began getting to know each other He's only come on to CM once (which was, by the way, in an effort to contact me).  i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i can trust this man with anything and everything...Most of You have no idea how huge that sentence is for me......However, since we've talked about it i've found myself repeatedly checking to see if He's been on here yet or not. Again, i know it has nothing to do with Him. Any suggestions on how You just let go of Your past experiences?
*The reality here is this: i'm aware that this is a result of my own insecurity. i'm also aware that this is not healthy, but i feel freaking clueless as to how to stop it*
Thanks,
Kali

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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:51:38 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Kali, do you mean him being on the forums or him having a profile?  Are the two of you seeking a third?  Is that something you agreed upon?  I'm a bit confused.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:53:37 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		*laughing* Sorry Laurell, sometimes the thoughts in my head don't just magically clarify themselves when i say them (type them) to someone else....hmmmm...
Anyway, no we are not seeking a 3rd. He's just coming back to read the boards and stuff...Which i understands sounds as innocent as it is...
Kali

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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:54:45 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

So, here's the deal.....Recently He and i were having a discussion about the M/s element in our relationship. As a way to increase this element, He has decided to become active on CM once again...... Sounds good enough right? hmmm...My issue with this has nothing to do with Him...It's about me and me alone. Despite this fact, He's very aware of my fears in regard to this.  In the past (due to my own crappy and screwed up choices) i've been lied to, cheated on, cheated with, etc. etc. etc. etc.  One of the things that i absolutely adored about Him was the fact that i never worried about Him finding someone else on here because since we began getting to know each other He's only come on to CM once (which was, by the way, in an effort to contact me).  i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i can trust this man with anything and everything...Most of You have no idea how huge that sentence is for me......However, since we've talked about it i've found myself repeatedly checking to see if He's been on here yet or not. Again, i know it has nothing to do with Him. Any suggestions on how You just let go of Your past experiences?
*The reality here is this: i'm aware that this is a result of my own insecurity. i'm also aware that this is not healthy, but i feel freaking clueless as to how to stop it*
Thanks,
Kali

This may sound a bit odd but....
quote:

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i can trust this man with anything and everything...

Keep repeating that to yourself...MOST IMPORTANT THOUGH...is give yourself...yes YOURSELF...permission to worry about it. Once you have done that; everything falls back into perspective.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:58:29 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		The past is just that the past. You have to let go of these negative insecurities or it will be detrimental to your new relationship. This one has never given you a reason to doubt him then why do you do it now? He choose you and that is that.

Not everyone is a lying, cheating asshole and by feeding into your insecurity you are hurting chances for a healthy relationship.  You need to talk to him about these insecurities and work them out. Acknowledge the behaviors you are doing to feed into this insecurity and consciously make yourself stop. You can control it.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:59:11 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		where you focus your energy is where it goes...and grows.

force yourself to focus on your trust like mist said, and do some self healing exercises too...because this as you know has the power to decimate your relationship in a frighteningly short period of time.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 6:59:49 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think it helps if you are confident about what you bring to the relationship.  I've been cheated on, I know how it feels.  But, really, if someone can't appreciate what I bring I don't want to waste my time struggling through a relationship where I have to be worrying and checking up on him, it's a huge waste of time.  You can't control someone who is going to cheat.  Nothing you can do is going to change his behavior.  At the end of the day, in any relationship, you can only be the best you can be and hope for the best.  You should let go of past relationships, but don't let go of the lessons you've learned.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 7:02:09 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Dear Kali,
 
The only way to let go is to let go.
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 7:09:54 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Remind yourself over and over and over again that you trust him. When you want to log in and "check in on him" repeat some kind of mantra about trusting him, and then DON'T check up on him.

Tell him about your fear, journal about your fear, and then go read online about overcoming fear. ~soft smiles~

I have this issue a lot in my relationship, and just deciding to trust him wasn't enough. I'm facing having to do something actively, and I think I'm going to send myself daily reminders with my yahoo group about trusting him.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 7:15:25 PM   
Kumasan2


Posts: 182
Joined: 11/20/2007
Status: offline 		Hi kali-  I know it's hard to do but you have to trust him.  Just because it has happened before doesn't mean it will happen this time.  You seem fairly confident that it won't, so let yourself trust him.  Just like the stock market, past performance is no indicator of future results.  Each person is an independent situation.

Go with Maya's recommendation and have the courage to believe in him consistently.

*hugs for you*


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"A Master, if He is indeed wise,
does not bid you enter the house of His wisdom,
but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind." -Kahlil Gibran

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 7:24:01 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Time........he can't prove he won't cheat. You can't prove a negative. As time goes by you might become more comfortable and less........focused on what might happen


Jeff

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 7:43:38 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i want to thank You all for Your words of encouragement and support... You have no idea how much they mean to me...
 
IrishMist, thank You... Seriously, i know it probably sounds really trite, but You have no idea how much that helped me...
 
sweetnurseBBW, You are right..And this is actually my biggest fear of them all, that i'll somehow allow this (or frankly one of my many other) insanities run amuck and then i'll screw everything up.
 
crouchingtigress, You are right...Dang it anyway, You are definitely right..
 
KatyLied, Thank You soo much!!! You are right as well, i definitely need to change my perspective.
 
topcat, You are very profound. (i mean that seriously). Thank You...
 
Elorin, You are right as well...Thank You i will try the Mantra thing.
 
Kumasan2, Thank You as well...You are right that it doesn't mean it has to happen this time...
 
Jefff, You are right, and as i responded to KatyLied i do believe it's time for me to change my perspective.
 
Thanks all,
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 8:00:33 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		The only way to overwrite old programming is it practice the new. When you get the impulse to check up on him, do something else instead as often as you can. You'll find it hard at first, but after practice (much practice), you'll find you need to check less and less.

Also keep talking to him about what's going on. Tell him exactly what you told us. Work on it together.

Master Fire


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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 8:18:57 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		from experience, you can drive yourself absolutely crazy with the "what ifs"....and the best way i have found to combat it is with the truth...what has he done that you can't dispute in your mind that shows your he is not like "all the others"...and look at all the positives...and if you really have to, look at the negatives too, make a pros/cons list....if he is the right one, the pros will way out number the cons...and it's ok if there are cons, if we were all the same, how boring would that be?

good luck
chelle


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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 10:41:23 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		I don't know whether to tell you to stop it or not.
Maybe you do have something to worry about.
I would need to know more like how long have you
two been together, are you living together real time?
Do you know much of his history with regards to
relationships?
 
I think sometimes for someone like yourself who has
been burnt a number of times, there will have to be time
to believe you can trust another person and only time
can do it.
 
Sometimes you need to be okay with you and with
being alone, with that being just fine, that no matter
what happens in any relationship, you will be okay
because you have enough Self love.
Only that can stop this kind of chronic worrying.
 
Talk about how you feel, is it that important to him
that he will do it at the expense of the relationship?
If you can't "stop it", it will eventually ruin what you have,
whether it's coming to CM or him going away alone for a
weekend.
 
Sorry I wish I could tell you not to worry, but I can't say
you haven't any reason not to. I am one that has learned to  
go with my gut feelings and that is usually after some
open, honest, serious communication.
 
Missy.




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But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 10:54:39 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Also keep talking to him about what's going on. Tell him exactly what you told us. Work on it together.


Before we had our time apart I would smother feelings of insecurity that I had and not address them. Now I tell him when I feel insecure, and when he is open to how I feel it helps me trust him more and more all the time.

To the OP, do not let your insecurities fester in the dark, shine light on them, because the boogieman goes away once you turn the light on

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/10/2007 10:55:39 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 11:19:48 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello Kalista,

I do not know you, or much of your situation, and you probably do not know me due to the fact that I have been offline a lot lately due to my happy circumstances, however...

Something you said rang very clear to the person I once placed myself to be...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

 i never worried about Him finding someone else on here because since we began getting to know each other He's only come on to CM once...  i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i can trust this man with anything and everything



Now, before I continue, I will quote something you have said to point out that which is the only definate we can point to in a post without knowing both people:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My issue with this has nothing to do with Him...It's about me and me alone.



Without knowing you, and I suppose, projecting my own personal understanding of your situation, you are projecting your insecurities from previous relationships upon this one.  That, perhaps, is understandable to a certain degree...however, it is also not fair or healthy to you, your partner or the chance your present relationship with him has of lasting.

It is about you alone. If you really trusted him enough to be within the bonds of a power exchange relationship, you would not have these fears.  This is a bit harsh, but it is true.

Stop.

He is either trust worthy or not.  If he is...you need to relax and really trust him, not log in and check how many times he has been on each day.

If you can not trust him enough not to spy on him (in big or little ways) one of the two of you, or both, are sending off signals great or small which is sending you into orbit and which may very well indicate you are not ready for a relationship which requires this degree of trust.

Good luck to you,

Jen

< Message edited by puella -- 12/10/2007 11:21:22 PM >

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We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/10/2007 11:44:46 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin

Remind yourself over and over and over again that you trust him. When you want to log in and "check in on him" repeat some kind of mantra about trusting him, and then DON'T check up on him.

Tell him about your fear, journal about your fear, and then go read online about overcoming fear. ~soft smiles~

I have this issue a lot in my relationship, and just deciding to trust him wasn't enough. I'm facing having to do something actively, and I think I'm going to send myself daily reminders with my yahoo group about trusting him.


Hello Elorin,

I just actually started reading the responses to the query and must say... If you have to chant mantra-esque "Remember, I trust him; remember I trust him"... you do not really trust him.

If you do not trust him, you don't.   There could be very legitimate reasons for this... sometimes these are not readily identifiable to us (they can also be our own 'tapes' playing back our awful histories to us), at any rate... trust is not something you have to pound into yourself.

Jen

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/11/2007 12:06:18 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		And I trust puella more than myself in this.

If you don't trust him, you don't trust him.

If you do, than trust him.

Breathe.

Life isn't about not getting hurt.

It's about doing what you feel is right, and accepting responsibility if it's not.

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 12/11/2007 12:10:40 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Life isn't about not getting hurt.


Life is about trusting that even if you do get hurt, it will all be okay eventually, basically it is about trusting yourself to be able to survive anything, even others disappointing you. It all about about you...

Kali,

You survived it once (or more than once), and you are still here ready to try again, you are more than up to the challenge of putting the pieces back together no matter what... and once you realize that, what he does or does not do won't matter in the same way it does in the space you are in now.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/11/2007 12:11:18 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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