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What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:41:05 PM   
patwi


Posts: 296
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		     As the title sort of suggests, I have soemthing of a problem. I don't want the BDSM orientation which I seem to be wired for. I've read the articles, I've watched the forums, I've educated myself. And still - I detest the fantasies I have, I detest the things that I secretly think about because no matter what I do, in my mind it is not a "good" thing to be.

    Have any of you ever been in the same situation? What do you do when you want to change your kink? Is that even possible?
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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:48:38 PM   
lauren0221


Posts: 681
Joined: 8/29/2006
Status: offline 		In my experience, nothing good comes from not being who you are. I, too, have struggled with conflicts over my desires, and am choosing to attack the conflicts, rather than the desires.

Being and expressing who I am is part of being healthy. I don't choose to let society's or anyone else's (or even my) notion of what is right  keep me from that.

< Message edited by lauren0221 -- 12/13/2007 2:49:37 PM >

(in reply to patwi)
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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:48:53 PM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline 		I'd rather analyze why I hated something that is a part of myself, and change that.  And yes, I did go through a brief and rather non-traumatic period like that.

_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:54:46 PM   
patwi


Posts: 296
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		     I've examined why I don't like it. All I can come up with is simply - I don't find it a good way to be. I don't like it or the implications as far as what it means for me, personally. If that makes any sense...heh.

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:56:23 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		 

I think many people struggle with their feelings of masochism and/or sadism at points and I think there are those in the lifestyle that aren't approaching it in a healthy manner and use it to recreate prior abuses.  So while you might get some comments about making a post saying wiitwd is not "good", I think for some people it isn't.  Whether that is the case for you or not and whether you can change your kink, I cannot say.

Many people have fantasies that are more extreme than they would ever do and they don't act on them.  If you're talking about totally walking away from the lifestyle completely, I would suggest finding a kink friendly therapist because I don't think it's as easy as just trying to turn it off and turning off feelings rather than understanding, accepting and feeling them can be worse than experiencing the actual feelings. 

good luck

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:57:18 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		the pat answer is counseling. I don't know if that would help or not. It seems you have thought this out. What do you think the answer is?

Jeff

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:57:54 PM   
SubmissiveAK


Posts: 94
Joined: 3/5/2007
Status: offline 		Hey patwi,

I feel for you, I went thru a long period of struggling with the desires I had. All I can say is that while its possible to not partake of your fantasies, its not possible to stop having fantasies. I struggled a lot as a kid to no avail, I just wasn't happy until I accepted the way I feel.

Truth is, you do feel this way, and that alone makes those feelings valid and worthwhile. What society thinks, what we wish we felt, those arent the rulesticks to use. Ask yourself, "do I really feel this way", and "why does this bother me"?

hugs,

~SubmissiveAK~

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 2:59:32 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    I've examined why I don't like it. All I can come up with is simply - I don't find it a good way to be. I don't like it or the implications as far as what it means for me, personally. If that makes any sense...heh.


OP before you get pages of accept it, can you tell us why you think it's not healthy for you, because I do believe there can people it is not healthy for.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to patwi)
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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:05:41 PM   
patwi


Posts: 296
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		   Therapy is out of the question. I'm very much a person who would never admit to needing it, and would never go even if I did because it would feel like admitting a persoanl weakness. If I can't come to the solution of soemthing, I won't ask someone else to do it for me, simply.

    As for what exactly bothers me? See above, I guess. I see it as an admittance to having a weakness which I hate.

   I know I know, and yes I am prepared for flames.

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:12:21 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Have you allways felt that way or is it a more recent feeling?
How long have you been into kink?

In other words how long have you put yourself through this?

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:13:11 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patwi

    As the title sort of suggests, I have soemthing of a problem. I don't want the BDSM orientation which I seem to be wired for. I've read the articles, I've watched the forums, I've educated myself. And still - I detest the fantasies I have, I detest the things that I secretly think about because no matter what I do, in my mind it is not a "good" thing to be.

   Have any of you ever been in the same situation? What do you do when you want to change your kink? Is that even possible?


It is difficult to give you a good answer to this.  You don't state whether you are sadistic or masochistic or dominant or submissive.  The answer would be the same though...if you are masochistic and would rather be sadistic, then you are almost certainly going to have get some kind of therapy for that.  If you are dominant and want to be submissive but cannot find a submissive bone in your body, then wanting it to be so is unlikely to make it happen...nor is wanting to be sadistic rather than masochistic likely to happen.  You can push down your "real" side and play at the side you want to be and...perhaps...you may develop the urge to go along with the want, the fit to go with the glove.  And...if you see it as a weakness, then you can consciously try to stop the need, the urge, whatever it is that is within you...sort of like hating the fact that you are sloppy and setting out to be organized.  But let's face it...some things, such as sexual orientation...are difficult to undo or change.

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:13:40 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		If Laurell isn't flamin you....you probably won't get flamed.....:). If you won't accpet therapy.......maybe you can talk  it out here?. Can you be more specific about what you don't like?

Jeff

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:14:45 PM   
patwi


Posts: 296
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		I've been intrigued by it for a while now. I've never actually...well...done it. Reason being is that I haven't yet brought it up to my husband, and here's why.

How can I explain to him what I like and what I want, when I'm embarrased to want it in the first place?

SInce I'd been thinking about BDSM in general I've always had this proclivity, and have always hated that I have it. If that makes sense.

(in reply to FRSguy)
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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:20:54 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, actually that makes compleate and total sense!
There really isnt anything unusal about how you think and  feel for someone who has never done it before.

You must have hinted at it with your husband like a movie or in passing... not about how you feel but about the topic in general....
So then... what was his reaction?

(in reply to patwi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:23:18 PM   
patwi


Posts: 296
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		His reaction was that of a normal 30 year old man.

"Can you get me a Mt. Dew? Huh...oh that's kind of weird."

edited to say : This man deosn't get hints unless they are as large as a monster truck.

< Message edited by patwi -- 12/13/2007 3:24:00 PM >

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:26:24 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		We're MEN...hints don't work........trust me. your feelings are not uncommon, Any chance you could sit down with him, turn of the TV, and just........spit it out?

Jeff


(in reply to patwi)
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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:31:15 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Are you willing to give up the idea that you kink is horrid in order to learn to love yourself?

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:35:05 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Jefff is right hon.... if you want to try to be a submisive you could just wait until your in the middle of it and ask him to do something dominating and he will question you about it later or coment... just something simple like a spanking... if you want to Dom him then buy some cheap rope and go online and learn how to tie a good knot and just let him know that you are going to tie him up. Either way.... you can get what you want. Us guys can be pretty lame and very compliant when we are hard... its just when you do something that they consider way out there that they stop and go wait a minute and sometimes they dont do that until everything is all done.  My wife and I started out vanilla and I will totaly be whipping her and fucking her up the ass while she is bound to a bench this weekend... I never mentioned words like S & M and bdsm until she was totaly into it. Granted the dynamic change in our relationship allmost cost me my mariage but now we are both happier than we have ever been and like I said she didnt even know she loved S & M until she was way into it... as in she was bound hanging from the ceiling upside down getting her ass whipped with a riding crop and afterwards when I mentioned she was like "This isnt S&M is it?"
I just laughed my ass off and said " your just a cute silly little pony arnt you?"

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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:39:27 PM   
patwi


Posts: 296
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		Here's the thing.

So - I have submissive fantasties sometimes, deep down I'm afraid I may even be *gasps* actually submissive.  THAT'S what I hate. I don't -want- to bring it up to my husband, because iI don't -want- to be submissive. See my dilemma? So, here's the root of my question. Can a person change?

(in reply to FRSguy)
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RE: What to do when you don't like what you do. - 12/13/2007 3:39:51 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		ignore that, you posted as I was, the board is off at the moment and loading incredibly slow.


< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/13/2007 3:41:01 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to patwi)
Profile   Post #: 20
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