KindLadyGrey
Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
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You know, I think this little mini-rant is the reason I rarely reply to threads like that. I just end up thinking "Well, I don't have that problem, so I guess I must not understand."
To start, I have a lot of roadblocks to BDSM in my life. I'm married, and my husband is mostly vanilla, though fortunately interested in exploring. We are polyamorous, but have some courtesy agreements in place about other lovers that limit things like inviting my playmates over whenever I please. I also have family priorities, because we have a toddler and another baby on the way in January. For the past three years I have either been pregnant or suffering from post-partum complications, so my health, both mental and physical, has not been the best. We depend on family to watch our children when we go out together, as we can almost never afford an actual babysitter, so if one of us wants to go out for the evening, we end up leaving the other with the kids, which is fine sometimes, but rude to take advantage of. Last but not least, when I am not on maternity leave, I often work on evenings and weekends, which further limits my playtime.
You think it's hard to get into the groove of a BDSM lifestyle when you are single and lonely? Try doing it with two young kids! Listening to single folk complain about their roadblocks makes me shake my head.
So it seems there are two kind of roadblocks to get past for most people looking to make BDSM a real part of their lives, pragmatic blocks and personal blocks.
THINGS I DO TO GET PAST PRAGMATIC BLOCKS
1) Prioritize. How important is being involved in this lifestyle? Is it more important than watching TV for 3 hours a day? Is it more important than going drinking with your buddies every weekend? Is it more important than some of your other hobbies? In my case, it is not more important than my family and close friends, but I do prioritize it over other things. If you really want something, you will make time for it. "I just don't have time" is ALWAYS a lie. What it actually means is "Other things are just more important."
2) Communicate. Every single one of my playmates and lovers knows what my priorities are. They know they can't come over and spend the night whenever they want, and they know I am almost never available at the last minute since I have to find childcare for my kids. This limits me. Some people just aren't mature enough to deal with someone who has adult responsibilities and some are just uncomfortable with the constant reminder that I am a wife and mother. Ultimately, these people would not be good lovers for me anyway, even if it is sad that they pull disappearing acts.
3) Manage your time well. If you are an internet addict like me, it may help you to make friends in the lifestyle by writing long ranty forum replies and hanging out in the chatrooms on CM. But is that really the best way to get involved? Probably not. If your time for such things is limited, you are probably better served by going to munches (social meetings) with your local kink group and trying to do some real social networking at least once or twice a month. If you have time to go out to a movie with your friends once or twice a month, then you have time to go to a munch with some kinky folk too.
4) Learn ye the art of social networking! If you really suck at all things social, there are self-help books on this. Most people have the basic intelligence to grasp the concept that PEOPLE know OTHER PEOPLE. Not hitting it off romantically with any of the regulars in your local BDSM club? I guarantee each of them knows three other kinky people who don't come to meetings for some reason or another. Make friends and get yourself invited to vanilla social occasions. Kinky folk often have friends who are also kinky. Besides just kinky stuff, social networking can also help you with things like finding a good job or someone to watch your cat while you're on vacation. Worst case scenario, you meet some new people and have a little fun, even if you don't, ultimately, find a partner or playmate.
THINGS I DO TO GET PAST PERSONAL BLOCKS
1) Have self esteem. Some of you read the thing about social networking above and broke out into hives as a dozen excuses flooded into your head. "But I'm not good at being social!" "I'm an introvert." "I'm socially anxious." "I'm not attractive enough to attract a partner in person." Frankly, this sort of crap is going to limit you your entire life if you let it, and not just in the BDSM world. Soooo. . . .
2) Take some chances. I used to be a socially awkward introvert. No really, it's true. I had one friend and all of my hobbies were solitary ones. I was also very lonely and bitter, but I would tell myself that people were stupid and hurtful and not worth my time, or make up some other excuse for not getting out and making friends. Rejection is one of those things that is scary to think about, but actually mostly harmless. Say you like a girl. You start without that girl. You get up the courage to ask her out and she says no. You end up in the same exact place. You are no worse off. You still don't have a date. That certainly sucks, but being rejected really only has psychological consequences, and if you have enough self confidence to handle those, then you, my friend, have great power over your life. Fear will stop you from doing a lot to move forward. So the thought of going to a munch is terrifying. Do it anyway. A bunch of people you just met invited you to a party. GO. At the party, an imposing lady in really hot boots asks you if you'd like a spanking. Say "Yes ma'am." Use fear as a guide for the things you SHOULD do. If it frightens you, do it. (Unless it is likely to result in your incarceration, death, or real injury, duh) Eventually, the power that fear has over your life in general will diminish and a lot of doors will open.
3) Be awesome. Forget about other people for a minute. Are you awesome? Do you take good care of yourself, both physically and mentally? Are you passionate about your job and your hobbies? Do you love your life? Are you a positive person? If you answered yes to most of those questions, people will know it and want to be around you (regardless of what you look like or how much money you make). If you think you are a loser and your life depresses you, you're going to have to work on that. Try Jesus. Try Buddha. Try going back to school. Try a new hobby you've always been curious about. Quit the job that makes you terribly miserable. Have a few things in your life that make it worthwhile just for you. If you want to attract awesome people, you have to start by being awesome. This doesn't mean doing things to try to win the approval of others, it means making yourself happy.
4) Stop making excuses. Stop believing your own excuses. An excuse is just a problem to be solved, not the end of the road.
5) Find a good therapist, specifically one who is kink friendly. There's a list of these online, but you can also find out if a therapist is comfortable with kinky patients with a phone call. Mine isn't on the KFP list, but she is very accepting of my lifestyle. You aren't reading this thread looking for advice because you are happy and fulfilled. You're reading it because you are lonely and you feel like something is missing from your life. You might think BDSM is that thing, but it isn't. Even if it is ONE of the things that's missing, there are plenty of feelings worth exploring that may lead you to other insights about your life and how to make it better. This actually falls into the category above of "be awesome." A good therapist can help you explore and accept yourself, which helps you to get control of the desperation and depression that scares people away. Not everyone reading this thread needs a therapist, but a lot of people could really benefit from therapy.
One last category: HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND <3 TEH INTERNETS.
First, real life should always be your primary vehicle of bringing BDSM into your life. Prioritize that.
That said, the internet (AKA teh internets!) can be an excellent way to supplement your social networking and learn new things about the BDSM lifestyle. Not to mention it's an infinite supply of porn! Yay porn!
The internet is also a different society all together. Learn to view it as a foreign culture and you will get along much better. The internet is a place where people can be who they want to be, instead of who they really are. Even the best and most honest of us are guilty of this. Here on CM, I don't present myself as a frazzled unshowered mommy running around in an ugly house dress covered in peanut butter. But guess what? That's what I am today. Sexy, right?
Some people take this to a different extreme altogether and pretend to have a lot more experience than they really do, or they indulge in their fantasy on the internet but chicken out when you try to meet them in real life. People bitch about this shit on the forums ALL THE TIME. They spend a lot of time being upset about it.
Hey, that's the internet. It's one of the hazards of hanging out here. Are you totally shocked if you go to a farm and step in cow manure in the barn? Of course not. It sucks, but it's practically expected, and you wipe it off and move on and it doesn't ruin your day. Why are people STILL shocked that idiots hang out on the internet? Wipe them off your shoe and get on with your day!
The signal/noise ratio is much much lower in real life. That's why I advise everyone to prioritize real life socializing over internet socializing.
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