hisannabelle
Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline
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greetings kostly,
if you want advice, listen to it and discard what you don't feel like listening to. (or better yet, listen to the stuff that you really don't feel like listening to - it will probably do you more good.) why ask if you are not planning to at least consider the many very reasonable things that have been said?
regardless of what you may have personally read online or experienced - which does NOT give you the expertise to judge one particular individual's health by the way - there is no substitution for making sure your submissive goes to the doctor and discusses her health issues before continuing any play in that area, and making sure you take into account those issues accordingly. just because you may have read about it online or experienced something similar with someone else does not make you an expert, unfortunately. for example, my dominant has been with women who are pierced before; i've read a lot about piercings online; i know a lot of people with similar piercings to what i have. but nevertheless, when the issue came up of wearing my piercings in an mri, despite the negative things i was hearing from people around me and what i read online about the dangers, i discussed it with my piercer (who is licensed, a registered nurse, and has extensive experience professionally and personally with piercings and medical procedures), and his advice was the right advice but did not necessarily match up with what i "thought" i knew from what i'd read and talked to people about and experienced. the fact is, there is NEVER a substitute for a good professional opinion, regardless of what you think you know.
quote:
The question was also about balance; which is the deeper harder question to answer. Many submissives seem to have a tough time acknowledging this issue, because they dont face it directly. I have seen many abused subs that would do anything and everything well beyond what is reasonable limits. I have also seen well cared for subs and subs that constantly Top their Doms over these issues.
i have no problem acknowledging this issue, because i do and have faced it directly. i know what i am willing to do and what i am not willing to do, and how far i am willing to go. i also have a fairly good idea of how far he likes to push me in some areas and not so good of an idea in others, but i want to learn. the fact that i go above and beyond what some may consider "reasonable" does not make me abused; i would call myself well-cared for, and topping from the bottom would have gotten me released a long time ago. did you not even read my first post? i thought i addressed your issues of balance. the fact is, you and your girl are not on the same page in terms of what you are expecting. she is expecting the right to set limits and have those limits be respected, regardless of how you may feel about them. she is expecting the right to voice opinions, concerns, and complaints. your expectations are clearly at odds with that; otherwise you wouldn't be having concerns about balance in the first place.
quote:
In the end you get doms so tired of it, that they simply shut down their needs for romantic relationships and go into relationships that are purely selfish. Really, us Doms hurt when our submissives complain. When we make a mistake and do something that we shouldnt of, its worse then any punishment you subs have to face. We sit there and hurt for days because we screwed up and had made a mistake. No ones there to rescue us, and there is no rescue. Then again do we give everything the sub wants and ignore our own needs, or do we do what we want and fuck the sub. The answer is somewhere in the middle. Understanding this is hard, and then our subs and we change and so does the balance. So how do you find and maintain the balance?
"us doms" is an insult, in my opinion, considering i know many dominants, including my own, who may not always agree with you. you cannot speak for anyone but yourself; i don't claim my experience is that of all submissives, why would you claim to speak for all dominants, or even a majority of them? this, to me, is no different than your lack of ability to understand that just because your experience previous to this may indicate something different in terms of anal play, that doesn't make this experience the same.
it seems like you, and not your submissive, need to find the balance. if he does something he knows is wrong, he apologizes to me and gets over it. if he does something and doesn't realize he's being a jerk, he prefers i tell him he's being a jerk. and then he apologizes and gets over it. shit happens. our dynamic isn't all that difficult to understand; i am property. i am owned. i happen to be human property with thoughts and emotions, and he happens to like his property to be in good condition, and we also happen to love each other deeply, which means that yes, my opinions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical limitations are taken into account so that he can adequately decide when he feels comfortable going past my comfort zone and when he doesn't...because he knows where that comfort zone is. the fact that i am of use and service and that my pleasing him also happens to bring me great benefit and pleasure is where the both of our needs and desires being in balance thing comes into play.
you are trying to make this more difficult than it is. the truth is, it's not. you're overthinking it. communication is the key. we know each other well because we've been together for almost two years and we are extremely open with one another in terms of our thoughts, desires, and what we are going through physically, mentally, and emotionally - and we can get a good read on how things affect each other. until you stop seeing this as a one way street where you are playing the martyr for your submissive, and start talking to her and understanding that experience, emotion, and desire go both ways and difficulties happen for both human beings in the relationship, you are still missing the point.
respectfully,
annabelle.
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a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...
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Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 
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