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Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 1:49:43 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

So why do so many in this lifestyle feel if they show different sides of themselves, it makes them a wannabe or a fake. Is it true that a Dom has to be always so controlling and aloof?

I consider myself a very dominant individual. Some have even called me intimidating. But I consider that to be so one dimensional. I see myself as a complete person. In me I have the barbarian, the sadist, but I also have the lover, the romantic, the friend and so much more. I’m comfortable with this. I feel no need to stage myself for anyone.

What are others opinions on presenting your whole self?

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 1:55:45 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”   So why do so many in this lifestyle feel if they show different sides of themselves, it makes them a wannabe or a fake.


My gut reaction is... why would you take one person's viewpoint and from that extrapolate "so many in this lifestyle feel"...

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 1:56:12 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		If someone can not show me the entirety of who he is, all facets of himself, I have absolutely no use for him and I don't consider him to be more "Domly" for his shallowness.

Knowing you I can tell you that you are "intimidating" in some ways yes....but you are definitely a whole and fascinating person. Your warm and welcoming nature provide a wonderful balance to that "intimidating" part of you. I wouldn't change a thing!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 1:59:53 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		It's not just from one person. I've had a lot of friends tell me about relationships that are fulfilling in one way, but lacking in another. I've seen people write profiles and comments that seem to me like playacting, not real life. That is why I'm asking the question. Do we have stereotypes that we feel people should follow? Do we encourage relationships built on the total persons and their many sides?

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to CalifChick)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:04:59 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Christ....I know that when I was younger there were plenty of times when I was "done" that I would pray to God to turn my insignificant other into a pizza. Now I try to find partners that I might actually want to hang out with when my cock is no longer hard.

Maybe "your friend" is gross, uninteresting or not exactly the dudes cup of tea. Maybe she is a horrible judge of finding a suitable partner...Guy got his rocks off and left. It has happened in the past and will no doubt be a prevalent male response well into the future. One negative encounter from some sub does not make for a very strong data base to render an opinion on "all" Doms.

I was once going to start a thread because I had heard from an attractive woman who was upset cause some dude shit on her when she was sleeping. I thought it would give me the perfect opportunity to decry the act of shitting on "attractive" subs and at the same time vaulting me up the Dom totem pole for being so fucking compasionate to the needs of these subs.

Bitches.....Come to Domiguy.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/6/2008 2:06:20 PM >

_____________________________



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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:05:23 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

So why do so many in this lifestyle feel if they show different sides of themselves, it makes them a wannabe or a fake. Is it true that a Dom has to be always so controlling and aloof?



Nonsense. Just because a Dominant is strong and in control doesn't mean he has to hide his humanity. I always held and kissed my former sub, not just after our whole evening, but after each time we had sex. That's what a Dom really does!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:06:02 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I feel no need to stage myself for anyone.


In a good relationship you shouldn't have to stage yourself.  I think if you have to stage or pretend you are something you aren't you are courting disaster, or at the very least you are engaging in behavior that is not genunie to who you are.  I have no use for that sort of stuff.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:07:48 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		I find it sad when I hear the phrase "that's not what a Dom (or sub) does".  Why are people's views so limited that they have to label what someone is or isn't?  If two people are going to have a relationship of whatever kind, should they not just be who they are?  It would be very hard to keep up any kind of fake persona for long.  To be something other than true within yourself is not fair to the other person coz then he/she is not getting who they thought they fell in like with.  I have seen yes, many in this lifestyle that purport to be or like something other than who they really are or what they really like or don't like.  Can you imagine having to keep on faking that forever? 

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:08:07 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

Nonsense. Just because a Dominant is strong and in control doesn't mean he has to hide his humanity. I always held and kissed my former sub, not just after our whole evening, but after each time we had sex. That's what a Dom really does!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)


YES  .... YES ... YES
I think a true Dom has the strength to be a complete person. When you show someone you care, it doesn't mean she is topping you from the bottom or that you secretly want to be dominated. Dang Les, now I know why I like reading your responses.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to SirJohnMandevill)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:09:16 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I feel no need to stage myself for anyone.


In a good relationship you shouldn't have to stage yourself.  I think if you have to stage or pretend you are something you aren't you are courting disaster, or at the very least you are engaging in behavior that is not genunie to who you are.  I have no use for that sort of stuff.



I would fuck you then leave....Unless you strategically ordered pizza in anticipation of the best five minutes of fucking you will ever experience in the next few days.


_____________________________



(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:10:41 PM   
ksub4u


Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline 		It probably depends on what each person is looking for from the relationship.  I personally desire a strong all-around *relationship* with my Dominant, not just a sexual one.  I want to share multiple facets of myself with him, and I need to see him as well.  

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:12:27 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		The fact that I find a large majority of people in the public scene as well as on websites like this to be one dimensional is one of my biggest pet peeve's with kinksters as a whole.


_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:17:01 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

So why do so many in this lifestyle feel if they show different sides of themselves, it makes them a wannabe or a fake. Is it true that a Dom has to be always so controlling and aloof?

I consider myself a very dominant individual. Some have even called me intimidating. But I consider that to be so one dimensional. I see myself as a complete person. In me I have the barbarian, the sadist, but I also have the lover, the romantic, the friend and so much more. I’m comfortable with this. I feel no need to stage myself for anyone.

What are others opinions on presenting your whole self?


After a scene, Himself will just leave me there in a heap because in that moment, that's what he wants to do either because it's best for him or it's best for me. Other times, he'll hold me, let me laugh or cry, get me some water, tell me to get him some water etc. Every time is different and the endings are not cut out of a stencil. I guess it's the energy of the moment that determines for him how things are going to end and what sort of connection, if any, we maintain.

If someone is feeling bad and wants to be held in that moment, hopefully, they can just ask. Then it's up to to the dominant whether or not to grant the request.

If there is something that's gone down which brings me to a place where I don't feel safe (or whatever) and I need some holding, I just ask. For me to ask to be held would be unusual and by my asking, Himself knows that I pretty much 'need' it so will hold me at those times. In fact, I can't recall a time where I asked to be held and the request was refused.

Might be interesting to see what happened in that case. Sorta makes me wonder.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:27:55 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

So why do so many in this lifestyle feel if they show different sides of themselves, it makes them a wannabe or a fake. Is it true that a Dom has to be always so controlling and aloof?

I consider myself a very dominant individual. Some have even called me intimidating. But I consider that to be so one dimensional. I see myself as a complete person. In me I have the barbarian, the sadist, but I also have the lover, the romantic, the friend and so much more. I’m comfortable with this. I feel no need to stage myself for anyone.

What are others opinions on presenting your whole self?

Because some dominants are morons that haven't figured out a few key things.

For example, sometimes one of the best ways to show your strength and control as a dominant is by enveloping a submissive in it aftwards, holding her, giving her a place to feel safe rather than just feeling used.  Sure, they like feeling used during, but most of them want to feel safe afterwards.  Ironically, both can happen as a function of our strength... that we are strong enough to take and use... that we are strong enough to protect and comfort.

Nor have they figured out that being dominant is a personality trait, not a stereotype.  I see plenty who are trying hard to play act an image.  Being dominant is just something you do, its how you live... its ONE aspect of who you are.  The play actors try to make it their whole aspect.  Fortunately it makes them easy to spot.

As for myself, anyone who doesn't get that I'm a complex, multifaceted person with a wide range of interests simply hasn't read either my profile or my journal here.  I can be and am a great many things, I have many aspects... and frankly, that's part of what makes me exceptional, desirable as a dominant and generally fun to be around.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:31:12 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

The fact that I find a large majority of people in the public scene as well as on websites like this to be one dimensional is one of my biggest pet peeve's with kinksters as a whole.



Hmm.. I've found the exact opposite. I find people, as a general rule, to be fascinating creatures. On a kink site, I talk about kink. On my NPR boards, I talk about politics, on my Trek site, I talk about Star Trek.

You could try taking the time to delve into someone instead of seeing what brought them to a particular place, whether it's a leather conference or a BDSM message board. I don't think when I go down to the bowling alley that the only thing the people are interested in is bowling.. it's just, in that particular moment in time, that's what they are doing and that's the interest of the moment. Do you have interests outside of BDSM? Do you collect things, or weep over old black and white movies, knit, participate in sports? Do you let all and sundry know those sorts of things, or would someone consider you one dimensional as well because all they know of you is the sn you've chosen for Collarme? When I'm at a leather event, I don't, necessarily, want to talk about the latest and greatest in knitting as that's not my purpose there, but with my friends, there is no subject which is taboo and we talk about everything.

Just something to think about.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:32:02 PM   
everhope


Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

What are others opinions on presenting your whole self?


the majority of Dominants that i have interacted with allowed me to see their different facets. some men are not the touchy feely...nurturing types. some have difficulty handling intense emotions...some thrive on it.
i don't know if this really is about presenting ones "whole self" as it is about people being different and different ways of expressing themselves.

i have heard it said by more than one submissive that they did not like any cuddling after play. we all have different likes, wants, and needs. finding a partner that matches yours really is the only way to have longevity in the relationship. 

on the other hand, you might see this hardness of character with a new Dominant thinking this is the way of the land.
it is not. being your genuine self is.

i hope for us all to find our bliss,
everhope
or
blah blah blah Landers

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:33:17 PM   
completenz


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		i have seen every side of C. and i love Him all the more for it
Yes, He is a Dom, and that side of Him is powerful and strong
BUT
We cry together at sad movies, beautiful music, or when something dreadful happens in the world
We laugh together often, usually caused by one, or both of us, playing the fool.
We are always touching, hugging, cuddling, holding hands when we take our evening walk around the marina
We share everything, including our fears and hopes for the future
i love watching Him with His parents, especially His father who had a stroke a couple of years ago, so loving
He is the most affectionate, gentle and open man i have ever been blessed to know. He is my best friend, lover and He is also a dab hand with a single tail and i sleep in His arms every night.
He is all, and more, than this sub ever hoped for.
c


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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:38:05 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

I always held and kissed my former sub, not just after our whole evening, but after each time we had sex. That's what a Dom really does!



 Thank you Les.  I knew I forgot something.  The after kissing thing. 

Off to edit a journal entry.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:38:27 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		Leaving without engaging in aftercare is pretty shallow. "I don't because that's not what a Dom does" seems like a pretty self-serving statement, to say the least. Obviously this Dom hasn't figured out that there's also a "protect and nurture" side to being in control of someone. He'd never make it as a "Daddy" to be sure.

Bita, you're a part of a good Trek site? I've yet to find one that has any really good discussion going on. Care to share?


(in reply to everhope)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 2:56:10 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a person, not a stereotype.

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My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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