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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 7:35:35 PM   
Leatherist


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I just tell people I'm not into D/s these days. It's some sort of fad I think. And people into fads tend not to be very creative or thoughtful overall. Especially when they do it because everyone else is.

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 7:42:29 PM   
Maya2001


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Not all do  thank goodness but I learned one dimensional does not work well at all with me especially if other stresses end up added in, very much a crash and burn ending

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/6/2008 8:11:33 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

It's not just from one person. I've had a lot of friends tell me about relationships that are fulfilling in one way, but lacking in another.


My question is why you believe this is a "lifestyle" problem. Vanilla people can be one dimensional, and have unfulfilling relationships. I have a good friend who has a hubby that is perfect, romantic, kind, sincere, and her best friend... but he won't fuck her. They are a vanilla couple. And they are not the only couple that are like this that I have known..

I am with Celeste... humans are rather complex... and if we weren't then we would have an easier time finding fulfillment


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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 3:44:51 AM   
cherrypez


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrypez

I think that if a sub wants after care she should discuss this PRIOR to the scene and not complain about it afterwards.    If the Dom does not give after care she does have the choice NOT to scene with him.  


Scenes do not always turn out to be as pre-determined. What is discussed first I would say is closer to fantasy but what follows is real life.


If she requires after care she should ask for it prior to the scene.   If he says he doesn't provide after care she can choose whether she plays or not.   If he doesn't follow through with the after care then she should reconsider playing with that person.   Sometimes a scene doesn't play out as discussed, but I think it's better to let someone know that after care is required prior to play whether than just simply expect it, not get it, then complain.

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 4:33:04 AM   
Lashra


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I stay with my sub until I am sure that he is alright after a scene. I know we both need the time to come down and in order to do that we snuggle. To me its a part of the scene and time to reconnect. I know some Dom/me and subs do not like aftercare but that is their way, not mine.
Also if its a casual play the Dom may not feel that connected with the sub and perhaps feels that their owner (if they have one) should be the one doing the comforting. Just a thought.

~Lashra


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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 4:44:33 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


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Hell, I'm human and have the full range of emotions anybody has.  I don't think I could be one dimension if I tried.   Actually, I'm pretty multi-faceted and come with many sub titles.

I have a very sensual and romantic side to me, just as well as having a broad kinky BDSM side.

Anyways, it sounds a bit like somebody just using somebody for kinky sex and hitting the road.   Hell, even vanilla pull this on one another.   Just quick down and dirty meaningless sex if you ask me.    Some people enjoy and get off it, but it's not for everybody.   It's a bit like a quick Happy Meal to go from McDOMald's,  it's quick easy and fast.   Personally, I enjoy sit down candle light dinners, and savoring the taste of prime rib or something nice and tasty. 






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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 5:04:11 AM   
Dari


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I'd have no problems with that statement if you changed one word:

"...because that's not what I do." 

Strong people (dominant and submissive alike) make their own choices about how they will act, and are willing to acknowledge and accept responsibility for those choices.  There are some dominants who don't provide aftercare.  There are some submissives who don't want it.  Both sets are very vocal about aftercare not being their choice.

Weak people use labels and other people's choices to hide their actions.  To give up responsibility for them.  "Well, I can't do that, because that's not what I'm supposed to do!"  Someone else made the decision that to be this way, you have to act that way.  It absolves them of responsibility - so that when they should do something that they don't want to do, instead of saying:  "I don't want to do that," or "I'm not comfortable with that," they can just say:  "Well, someone once defined me this way, so I can't really do that over there..."

It's just a bullshit cop out, really.  And one of those signal flags that screams:  "Run away, run away!"

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 5:14:24 AM   
DesFIP


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It's called aftercare and many people, indeed most, do engage in it. Tell her not to play with him again, and to ask about it next time before she agrees to play with him.

Here, we're in a relationship so it would be self defeating of him to refuse to give me what I need afterwards knowing that as a result I wouldn't be able to do stuff for him or even much want to. But that's the difference between relationships and casual.

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 5:27:26 AM   
HalloweenWhite


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

So why do so many in this lifestyle feel if they show different sides of themselves, it makes them a wannabe or a fake. Is it true that a Dom has to be always so controlling and aloof?

I consider myself a very dominant individual. Some have even called me intimidating. But I consider that to be so one dimensional. I see myself as a complete person. In me I have the barbarian, the sadist, but I also have the lover, the romantic, the friend and so much more. I’m comfortable with this. I feel no need to stage myself for anyone.

What are others opinions on presenting your whole self?


There seems to be so much pressure to fit in and so many conflicting attitudes as to what makes a Domme a Domme, a submissive a submissive, a slave a slave etc, that some get lost in trying to figure it all out, I think this can be seen best when you have people who are in your face about -their- kink or -their- way of expressing their orientation.

They think they have something to prove, and god damn it they're -going- to prove it. So they just look at one aspect of something and say to themselves "I'll do that".

Meybe people are too hung up on stereo types to be who they really are. They have to learn, this isn't a competition, it's a lifestyle, and as in all other lifestyles there are things W/we all do but in a different way, nothing wrong with that if you get the result you need.

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 6:08:08 AM   
slaveluci


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy
I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

No, that's not what HER dom does.  My Master certainly does........................luci

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 6:26:44 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy
I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”

No, that's not what HER dom does.  My Master certainly does........................luci

What Luci said. (Hey Luci girl how are ya? I think about you often !)


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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 8:26:09 AM   
sweetstorm


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

I was talking to a very good friend of mine and she was telling how after a scene, the Dom just left. She would have liked to have been held and comforted, but, “that’s not what a Dom does.”


BULLSHIT! HA!
I will not play with any Dom that won't do aftercare. If that's beneath Him or "not what He does" then He is not my partner, darnit. I want a fully dimensional partner, one that will show His soft side and occasionally even dain to "make love".

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 9:04:54 AM   
Mercnbeth


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quote:

What are others opinions on presenting your whole self?


it is this slave's opinion that most folks don't present their whole selves, just parts of themselves that they slap a label on.  hence the ongoing debates regarding "true" and "real" orientations.
 
this slave was caught up in a bit of confusion upon discovering that folks base relationships off D/s---she thought all the folks involved were expressing their natural tendencies, but it didn't take long to discover that many adopt an orientation so they can struggle with an identity foreign to them, to please a kinky spouse or to simply expand their pool of potential sex/marriage partners.
 
some folks really are wholly Dominant or wholly submissive, but they are rare, largely misunderstood and generally talked down to as being "one dimensional", "mentally ill", "abusive/abused", "delusional" and "doormat".

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 12:14:05 PM   
SailingBum


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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

It's not just from one person. I've had a lot of friends tell me about relationships that are fulfilling in one way, but lacking in another. I've seen people write profiles and comments that seem to me like playacting, not real life. That is why I'm asking the question. Do we have stereotypes that we feel people should follow? Do we encourage relationships built on the total persons and their many sides?


It's the age old problem to find the perfect partner.  It is not exclusive to kinksters.  Be real you either accept them for your perceived faults or limitations or you complain that if my partner would only do x.  Life is not perfect.  I don't see this as a BDSM issue.

BadOne
My life would be perfect if I only had????

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 12:23:42 PM   
SailingBum


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

Nonsense. Just because a Dominant is strong and in control doesn't mean he has to hide his humanity. I always held and kissed my former sub, not just after our whole evening, but after each time we had sex. That's what a Dom really does!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)


YES  .... YES ... YES
I think a true Dom has the strength to be a complete person. When you show someone you care, it doesn't mean she is topping you from the bottom or that you secretly want to be dominated. Dang Les, now I know why I like reading your responses.


YES YES YES

I am sure glad the two of you can show me the error of my ways.  TEACH me oh great ones how to be a true Dom.  Are classes now forming?

BadOne

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 12:28:21 PM   
subtee


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I think one of the DomiDude dimensions is hunger...

quote:

Christ....I know that when I was younger there were plenty of times when I was "done" that I would pray to God to turn my insignificant other into a pizza.


quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I would fuck you then leave....Unless you strategically ordered pizza in anticipation of the best five minutes of fucking you will ever experience in the next few days.


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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 12:42:31 PM   
CreativeDominant


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I have no real difficulty showing all of my whole self to someone, though I will admit to being a bit cautious about revealing as much of myself as quickly as I have in the past.  That has led to problems, just as not revealing enough of yourself or only certain aspects of yourself can lead to problems.

I reveal myself because I don't want to be thought of as being only "this way" or "that way".  I am many things and some of them even conflict with other parts of myself at times.  When you reveal only part of your nature, it is similar to only revealing part of your thoughts about a certain subject...if you are not forthcoming with any more, then all that other people have to go by is what you have presented.

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 8:32:05 PM   
MidMichCowboy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

Nonsense. Just because a Dominant is strong and in control doesn't mean he has to hide his humanity. I always held and kissed my former sub, not just after our whole evening, but after each time we had sex. That's what a Dom really does!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)


YES  .... YES ... YES
I think a true Dom has the strength to be a complete person. When you show someone you care, it doesn't mean she is topping you from the bottom or that you secretly want to be dominated. Dang Les, now I know why I like reading your responses.


YES YES YES

I am sure glad the two of you can show me the error of my ways.  TEACH me oh great ones how to be a true Dom.  Are classes now forming?

BadOne


Well I feel qualified to give you riding lessons (horse). Make sure you wear briefs not boxers. Briefs hold the jewels in place so you can ride, boxers let them flop and one wrong bounce .... you will be hurting for a while. See, I do know something.

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/7/2008 9:56:14 PM   
LadyHugs


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Dear MidMichCowboy, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
It is my belief that people as an individual have many dimensions to their individualism and I prefer to use the identifying as 'arch-type' as to describe like a puzzle piece as to help what creates an individual like me and, those who can identify with like 'arch types.'  Unfortunately, labels come with the territory as there is nothing that has a uniformed understanding and or definition other than 'scene' labeling and or vocabulary.  Other information bearing comments would be '...I wear many hats;' per se.
 
For example, I am sure we can freely discuss Western style of riding, from the different aspects of what Western riding style can include as well as exclude.  From Western Riding, the 'dressage' of the Western equestrian and horse at the epitome of obedience, responsiveness and skill and riding, to the Western Pleasure and 'In-hand.'  Pleasure and or working groups.  The gear that is subtle but a keen eye would notice the difference from a reining saddle from a roping saddle, etc.
 
My personal observation and opinions on the appearance of being 'one dimentional' is often due to a new/newer/novice/stranger exposed to the 'sharks' and or 'seniors' in the scene.  Just looking how passionate some Dominants are, judgement of every nit picking aspects of other's lives, experiences and actualling 'sizing one another up' will keep people from opening up to strangers right away.  Time allows the ability to settle in and get past the initial intimidation of individuals, the public dungeon scene, the party dungeon scene, private dungeon scenes and in other spaces where people are under judgment and observation at all times.  This does not even include envy, pride, ego and territorial behavior that some Dominants exhibit and or manifest in such a way as to shut off other dimentions from showing.
 
As far as the scene example of the Dom leaving and not comforting a sub/slave--who is to say that there was or was not a negotiation of how to end and follow up, e.g. after care?  Some subs/slaves/masochists don't like aftercare and some do.  Emotions and mental states also differ day to day with the same slave.  One day they'll need nothing, the next they need cuddling and snuggle for hours time.  The Dominant is as good as his exposure, his communication, his training and knowledge and; the understanding that a scene doesn't really end when toys are packed and after care given hours ago.  The Dominant is part of a special relationship and until both individuals of the relationship are ready to cut the tether--as in support and checking into one another's welfare after the 'physical' scene--then that is when the scene is concluded.  People too often forget the 'scene' for slaves, submissives and or masochists involve more than physical aspects--it involves emotions, mental and at time spiritual and or sensuality.
 
I can understand the 'one-dimensional' character as a 'Do me' and or 'Service Top.'  Which is physical and topical and really does not go further.  Until both parties understand what is happening to them beyond the physical and topical--do they appreciate the layers and dimensions we (in a general sense) all possess.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 
 
 

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RE: Do we tend to be too one dimensional? - 1/8/2008 5:31:41 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

[


Well I feel qualified to give you riding lessons (horse). Make sure you wear briefs not boxers. Briefs hold the jewels in place so you can ride, boxers let them flop and one wrong bounce .... you will be hurting for a while. See, I do know something.


Hey cowboy  I gave up my horse fetish quite some time ago....  Come on down to Motown and we can go sailing this summer.  We have plenty of beer and munchies.

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