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RE: feelings of worthlessness - 8/30/2005 3:33:59 PM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ElektraUkM

Yes, I can see that too. And I can look at the past and know that IF it suited me, I could look at events and say ~ yes, that's what 'made me feel like this', that's what led to this... I think it's a question of focus: whether we choose to focus on why things happened, or focus on dealing with what we have, what we have become, what we can do about it. To me, 'blame' is a looking-back kind of vision, while I want to look forward.

Of course, I know that I'm in that fortunate position NOW where I can feel that way. I've been through a lot of soul-searching and examination of the past. You're right... it is a long, and very, very hard process.

~ Elektra

Sounds like you've got to a good- or at least a better- place. I'm a big believer in looking forward, too, but I've seen a lot of people try to do it without understanding where they're coming from. If you try to ignore, gloss over or deny your past, it tends to bite you in the ass. I get the impression that's not going to happen to you.

Cane

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Post #: 101

RE: feelings of worthlessness - 8/31/2005 7:00:26 AM

lonewolf05

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lonewolf05, i feel You are valuable. Your compassion and empathy just shine through. It's so much harder when the person abusing You is a parent, and not a stranger, but You have survived thus far and have the option to be welcomed into people's lives as the valuable, unique person You are. Please don't give up.

lonewolf05..vision may be possible through the local Lyon's Club. Dental may be possible through a dental school. However, i have no recommedations for a hearing aid; perhaps if You use dogpile You can find a patients' assistance program.

pinkpleasures
=============
i am sorry i didn't get to your replies here. been busy. got side tracked.
and thnk YOU. 1 for saying YOU think i am worthwhile and 2 for the ideas in the 2nd posting.
seems YOU and my Mistress are the ONLY 2 i know of that feel i am human. thanks. i am grateful.

wolf

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Post #: 102

RE: feelings of worthlessness - 8/31/2005 4:47:38 PM

magiqnapa

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: haematopoiesis

quote:

I don't think that my former dom had any obligation to foster a sense of self-worth in me, but at the same time I am displeased that he took the time to enhance my feelings of worthlessness. It is not a good way to live, and I wish that more people in that situation could realize their way out of it.

Your experiance struck close to my heart.... I just (basically) gave back my collar to my (real life) Sir here on Collarme. I had no feelings of self-worth past about the third week of our short two and a half month relationship. I was ignored more than I was used. I had never felt so insecure in my life. The reasons are not important... and as I will never find out the other side of the story I feel I don't have the right to discuss it. I don't know how I can get closure due to that fact. I know I will never hear from him again. But, I can't even describe how worthless I feel right now. How in the hell do you pick yourself back up off of the ground when you can't even stop crying over him? You miss his touch, his voice, his eyes.....you wonder if he is sleeping enough, remembering to eat, remembering to relax. You know he is looking very hard to find another submissive and you know you will be seeing them together soon, as you travel in the same real-life circle. You know you need to move on with your life, but you wonder what, if anything, is even left to offer another Dom? And, how can you put a rein on your emotions so that you do not fall that hard again if you ever find another Dom who would want you?? How did you do it Haematopoiesis??? How have others???

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Post #: 103

RE: feelings of worthlessness - 8/31/2005 4:57:26 PM

luvdragonx

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The key for me was recognizing that he was gone for good reason: he wasn't the one for me. It hurt - believe me it hurts, and I can't tell you how long. Write your feelings down. Practice out loud what you would say to him if you could. But you can't dwell on it forever. I felt the same way not very long ago. Trust me, if he's gone, you didn't need him. The day you come to understand that for yourself is the day you'll look back on this and say 'I can't believe I was so bent out of shape'.

Don't worry about another commitment just yet. From what you describe, you are more of a person without him than you were with him. So what you have to offer, when the time is right, should be so much better than before.

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 8/31/2005 4:59:31 PM >

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Post #: 104

RE: feelings of worthlessness - 8/31/2005 5:42:32 PM

kyraofMists

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magiqnapa,

To your question of how do you pick yourself back up, it takes time and a lot of hard work. What I recommend that helped me through a rough time in my life are a few books. My favorite, "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda : Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities" by Arthur Freeman, "Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns and "Authentic Happiness" by Martin E. P. Seligman. One of these may strike a cord with you and help you.

I battled depression for several years and I have picked myself back up and become a healthy individual who feels that I deserve to be happy and be loved. I have learned that your value is not determined by your use but by your character strengths and virtues. You are valuable just because you are you not for what you can do or how useful you may be to someone else. My value to my Lord is not in the things I do for Him but in me being me.

It is not an easy journey, but it is not a hopeless one either.

Knight's kyra

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Post #: 105

RE: feelings of worthlessness - 9/1/2005 2:59:14 AM

ElektraUkM

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magiqnapa,

Personally, I find I have to rationally think about things before I can get over them. I have no idea if you're like me in that, but here's the way I look at these things (and this is just my POV, and a suggestion):

Our human minds tend to make associations between things. This is a great way for the brain to help us avoid making the same mistake over and over. A simple example is hand in fire = pain and damage. But with something more complex, like a relationship, there are parts of the experience that we MISS! (the good bits: hard to find the good bits of a burnt hand!). Unfortunately, in our mind, we tend to lump together the good and bad of 'the relationship experience', and start to associate all the good things about love with pain too.

But actually, when you look at it... what happened was we got involved with someone we didn't gel with on a practical level. All the great things about love and closeness are still available to us with someone else. But in the meantime we have to deal with the loss, the investment down the drain, and something else: because another of those 'association' things has happened: We've invested all our love/devotion feelings in this one person. Every time we think of love/closeness/whatever... HE pops up... and we think we're missing that relationship! But... what we're actually longing for is love (or hot sex), not the person we've (at this time) come to adore.

So, practically speaking: Think how you can learn from what happened. Did you miss out on some signs? Did you have a gut feeling things wern't going to work out? Did you overlook things about him that weren't so great, just because you were having fun? Did you pretend to yourself that having fun was ok because in the long term it might become more what you really wanted? (these are just examples from my 'career' LOL).

Lastly... don't underestimate the fact you've almost certainly romanticised him along with the (projected) relationship. If you believed it "could all be wonderful" between you and him... you perhaps see him in a 'perfect' situation with a devoted sub who is everything you (think) you couldn't be. But that's hogwash. He's just a bloke, and one who's just had a failed relationship/cocked up royally (depending on the actualities of the thing). And he'll probably cock up again. Try not to put another woman in that place you had all mapped out for yourself... (again, apologies if that's not what's happening in your mind... it's just the way my mind has tended to work!).

Best of luck,

~ Elektra

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RE: feelings of worthlessness - 9/1/2005 2:11:17 PM

KnightRaven

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I typically do not play with those that do not have some sense of self worth, as that personality is not attractive to me. But for any Dominant to take advantage of the weaknesses of someone who has put their trust in them is extremely offensive to me. I will not name name's but I have known one Dominant who was drug into a back alley and beaten so badly he was hospitalized for two weeks for doing just as you have mentioned. If a Dominant chooses to take on such a submissive it is their duty to see to it that they develop some sort of self-esteem or coping skills so that they can go about their day without being in a state of clinical depression.

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Post #: 107

RE: feelings of worthlessness - 9/3/2005 10:31:43 AM

Lacey123

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As a professor of psychology, as well as, the victim of trauma, I am one of those "damaged" and still maintaining a "guarded" place in the world of BDSM. I have tried to analyze my reasons for electing to participate in BDSM activities - I kind of find them healing in a way. As a switch, I get to act out, in a refined way, my angst against those who have harmed me- always careful to be respectful and "do no harm" to my partner.

But I often feel worthless and find myself in relationships (both vanilla and BDSM, always "straight") where I could easily be further traumatized. I MUST trust my partner to the depth of my soul. I am monogamous and expect my partner to be monogamous as "betrayal" by others have
left parts of me empty and insecure.

If you are or have been traumatized, think carefully about who you trust with your most precious commotities- your body, your heart, your soul and your psyche. Leave the relationship if you feel used or simply
not "worshipped'. We all deserve to be "worshipped" by someone.
I am struggling to find that someone. But I haven't given up. But I am
careful and often, reluctant. I've probably passed up many good partners but I just can't take the chance.

I hope this has been helpful. Lacey123

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RE: feelings of worthlessness - 9/3/2005 11:42:09 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lacey123
If you are or have been traumatized, think carefully about who you trust with your most precious commotities- your body, your heart, your soul and your psyche. Leave the relationship if you feel used or simply

Well and the other side of the coin is when people see me and believe *I* lack in self-esteem issues because of what I do and what I'm into. They think my numerous relationships show a lack of ability to commit, a lack of security that I think I "deserve" just one partner, a lack of respect for my body because I have casual sex. They think I have esteem issues because of the intense humiliation and objectification I love.

Obviously I think it is my sense of security and love of myself which ALLOWS me to do all of those things and embrace them as I do.

But nothing to be done except be yourself and be confident.

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RE: feelings of worthlessness - 9/3/2005 1:37:07 PM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lacey123

If you are or have been traumatized, think carefully about who you trust with your most precious commotities- your body, your heart, your soul and your psyche. Leave the relationship if you feel used or simply
not "worshipped'. We all deserve to be "worshipped" by someone.
I am struggling to find that someone. But I haven't given up. But I am
careful and often, reluctant. I've probably passed up many good partners but I just can't take the chance.

I hope this has been helpful. Lacey123

I hope your psych prof self can recognize the nature of the advice you're getting from your trauma victim self. It's reasonable to show some caution about deep trust, but it's also important to know when the amygdalla is running the show. That part of the brain is very primitive- it did well by the dinosaurs, but it's not up to the kind of analysis that complex things like interpersonal relationships demand. It's specialty is speed- fight or flight decisions need to be made in a hurry. Usually relationship decisions don't, and we have the luxury of bringing other, slower parts of our brains into the act. The problem is, no matter how rationally we arrive at a conclusion in these parts of the brain, it doesn't shut off the amygdalla once it's triggered. It takes a long time to undo the associations that the old lizard brain makes in trauma. Something that seems to help is to be constantly aware of the judgements and perceptions that come OUT of that portion of the brain, and to overtly re-examine all of them as continuously as is practical. The more the projections of that part of the brain are allowed to remain unchallenged, the stronger they become.

Cane

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