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Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 11:52:13 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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On this site, and another site I frequent, I have seen an alarming trend; people (usually new) in the lifestyle, talking about cheating on their spouse, so, dom, domme, sub, whathaveyou. (please don't tell me what you have...*lol*)
When others in the community (usually long-time bdsm'ers) try to explain to them that the heart of our lifestyle relies on trust above all other things, the cheaters don't want to hear about it.
They say things like "I thought this was a community of open-minded people" "In a community of kinksters, you should realize that not everyone can be open with their relationships" "This is a community founded on deviant sex practices. I'm not here to be judged."
What are the implications of practicing D/s in a less than honest manner?
Do you, as a sub, want to give yourself to a Dom who is such a coward he can't tell his wife what his fantasies are, AND that you even exist?
As a Dom, how do you feel about a woman calling you Master, and then returning home to hubby, who is none the wiser?
Is there any sort of power exchange there, or is it just kink?

~Christina

Post #: 1

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 11:56:55 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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Have your cake and eat it too is incredibly old.

For cheaters? If you don't like them, don't enable them. Insist on coming to thier home at dinner time-that will stop the lying bit.

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Post #: 2

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:00:16 PM

Wyrd

Posts: 109
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Columbia, SC
Status: offline

More often than not the "long-time bdsm'ers" are living some form of deception as well, while honesty is a great ideal, many seem to fall well short of it, be it the fact that they are married, have a submissive in this state that does nto know about the submissive in the next state, labeling themselves a dominant, when they are actually just kinky in the bedroom, whatever the case may be.

Personal observation of my local community shows about 90% to be lying in some form or another.

However I do not advocate cheating on spouses or significant others, I own a married girl, however I spoke with her husband about what I expected before she and I even met, that was simply part of the deal.

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Post #: 3

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:00:34 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Kinky people are like any other group of people, some are liars, some are cheaters, some are trustworthy, some are not. I have been a member of alt for about 4 years, and I have not seen any significant changes in the amount of married kinksters. I knew when I logged on to dating sites, whether vanilla or kinky, that a huge percentage of the people on them were married and using these sites to meet people to cheat with. One more use for the internet. Buyer beware.

The other point your post addresses about our lifestyle requiring trust, all good relationships should have trust, kinky ones do not require more than other types of relationships... as is evidenced by the musical chair relationship cycles that many offline groups have according to my Daddy. Trust takes time to cultivate, and since most lifestyle relationships are not long lived, how can we say that what we do requires more trust? Many people play with complete strangers at clubs and play parties.. I doubt highly that they have cultivated deep trust if they haven't known each other very long...

But these are just my impressions.. and yes I do know that many people require deep trust to do WIITWD, just not as many as your post seems to indicate

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Post #: 4

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:07:46 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I would not choose to play with a married person....or one in a committed relationship. Logistically, it would be a problem, sneaking around is not for me. I don't really look down on them though. I have no idea what their lives are like or what their motivations might be. It may be just kink, if it works for them its ok with me

Jeff

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 5

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:08:03 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Do you, as a sub, want to give yourself to a Dom who is such a coward he can't tell his wife what his fantasies are, AND that you even exist?

been there ...done that and won't do it again. i had 2 formers who had no qualms cheating on their wives (1 even had a "stable" of others if i wasn't available). however i have met doms here who are married (and they proudly state that in their profile) openly searching for that submissive.

i know i'm going to get flamed for this - but why in hell stay married if you're openly cheating on your spouse? i know the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" yet to me, no matter if you have an open marriage and understanding spouse - cheating is still cheating.

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Post #: 6

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:12:10 PM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
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blushes you are assuming that all wifes or hubbys do not know about what the othe half is doing. As Wyrd is showing you that is not allways true. I have found that if a woman or man finds someone they like it dosent make a difference if that person is married. They will go after them anyway.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:15:39 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Do you, as a sub, want to give yourself to a Dom who is such a coward he can't tell his wife what his fantasies are, AND that you even exist?

been there ...done that and won't do it again. i had 2 formers who had no qualms cheating on their wives (1 even had a "stable" of others if i wasn't available). however i have met doms here who are married (and they proudly state that in their profile) openly searching for that submissive.

i know i'm going to get flamed for this - but why in hell stay married if you're openly cheating on your spouse? i know the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" yet to me, no matter if you have an open marriage and understanding spouse - cheating is still cheating.

The wife refuses to fuck wearing the fuzzy bunny slippers.

It's more important than a silly thing like being married.

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Post #: 8

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:17:41 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

for the first time, you absolutely make no sense at all

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Post #: 9

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:20:43 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

blushes you are assuming that all wifes or hubbys do not know about what the othe half is doing. As Wyrd is showing you that is not allways true. I have found that if a woman or man finds someone they like it dosent make a difference if that person is married. They will go after them anyway.

That is not true for everyone, I will never try to go after a married man, no matter how stunning he maybe. He would cheat on me if he left his wife, and why would I want someone else's unreliable seconds when I can have firsts? And when I say "married man", I mean someone living with their wife and actively being "married".

The other aspect of trying to take away someone else's spouse is that those who engage in that behavior are what I think of as "self esteem bottom feeders", those who try to take away another person's mater are usually those who have such a shallow sense of self that they believe that by tempting away a man that is already taken that they are somehow proving that they are more desirable, more sexy than the person that the man is already married to... but like my mom use to tell me, most men would screw lassie if you put a skirt on her... so those who settle for a married man are not really proving anything, other than they can't find a man of their own.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 10

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:20:51 PM

verysweet

Posts: 128
Status: offline

quote:

[i know i'm going to get flamed for this - but why in hell stay married if you're openly cheating on your spouse? i know the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" yet to me, no matter if you have an open marriage and understanding spouse - cheating is still cheating.

I'm not going to 'flame', but I will openly disagree with your last statement. I'm in an open marriage (soon to end, yes, but that's not important here) and he knows what I do and I know what he does---extracurricularly speaking. In the beginning, we approached the poly concept with love and respect for one another, hoping that in some way it would enhance our own relationship. So yeah, maybe it could be construed as 'openly cheating'. But whatever you call it, it was cloaked in honesty and trust.

quote:

What are the implications of practicing D/s in a less than honest manner?

Prior to the 'open', I had several relationships of a BDSM nature that were clandestine. I was having my cake, sexually speaking, but the guilt I felt totally overshadowed the pleasure I derived from those relationships.

< Message edited by verysweet -- 1/10/2008 12:24:06 PM >

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RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:21:36 PM

bestbabync

Posts: 1061
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline

this is my belief not the gospel, ok?

for the cheating married/attached, bdsm is an outlet for the kinky or wild sex they crave. many actually state they are searching for what they do not or cannot get at home. then they say in the same breath that they have a happy marriage and they will never leave it. to that, i say, oh come on! how can the marriage be happy if he/she is not getting their needs meet. the marriage maybe happy like from a story book. but what they really have is a peaceful marriage because they are repressing what they really want and need. in other words they are settling and accepting mediocre. as a sub that has been on the end of this, having a Dom that is married/attached is so very lonely and empty. being left behind like a toy was just not my idea of Domination/submission. him wanting my trust, devoution, love and submission while he goes home and gives his love, trust, devoution to another is just not what i want. putting my feelings on hold until he can sneak out of the house was just not right.

that is just my take on it!

< Message edited by bestbabync -- 1/10/2008 12:29:21 PM >

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RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:22:05 PM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

sambamasman. Each case of so call cheating is different. You should know better than to lump everyone as the same. What Jefff said. If you have a kink then dont throw stones at others who have one also.

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Post #: 13

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:24:37 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I never get the whole 'it's about trust' or 'its about consent' excuses.
I also do not see life as black and white.
I do think that it's a bit of naive thought that BDSM peeps are more tollerent or open minded.
And judging is a pretty healthy thing to do.

the.dark.

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RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:27:11 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

for the first time, you absolutely make no sense at all

In other words, the kink now takes priority. The wife won't do it-rather than sacrifice the kink "needs" of the cheater, they find someone else to do it with.

It's called "being a hedonistic asshat".

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Post #: 15

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:27:18 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

no disrespect to your open marriage - then why get married if you two are going to be openly cheating on each other? it would have been better to have a common law marriage or just live together without the benefit of a ceremony. my personal opinion, what a waste.

and Dnomyar (at least i took the curtesy of getting your name right) i wasn't throwing any stones however reflecting my own opinion about those who have open marriages and those who are married doms - i still believe and will always believe cheating is cheating. cannot change my mind about that.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to verysweet)

Post #: 16

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:27:47 PM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

It must be time to go home because I feel like venting. bestbaby you have no reason to cry. You know where the door is. I hear so many women on here bitching about this but they turn around and get themselves into it all over again. It is all the married mans fault. Mmmm could it be the women are doing it because they cant handle being commited to a single man.

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Post #: 17

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:27:57 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i know i'm going to get flamed for this - but why in hell stay married if you're openly cheating on your spouse? i know the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" yet to me, no matter if you have an open marriage and understanding spouse - cheating is still cheating.

I am confused by this statement lilgirl.
I thought you are getting married and still going to be owned as well - or am I wrong? Either way you are still in an open relationship right at this moment.
So what you are saying is - you are cheating?

the.dark.

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RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:28:32 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I've never thought that lifestyle people are more honest or trustworthy than the general population. I'm not even sure where that thinking got started. People cheat, for a variety of reasons, some of which I'm sure I wouldn't be able to relate to without walking a mile in their shoes. My preference would be for two people coming together, free of impediments. But life isn't always pretty and clean is it? And we all don't share the exact same value system. It makes life interesting. And sometimes hurtful.

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Post #: 19

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 12:31:28 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

It must be time to go home because I feel like venting. bestbaby you have no reason to cry. You know where the door is. I hear so many women on here bitching about this but they turn around and get themselves into it all over again. It is all the married mans fault. Mmmm could it be the women are doing it because they cant handle being commited to a single man.

Any why don't they check to make sure? It's not that hard to find out if someone is married-it's public record. All you need is a name and date of birth. I'll ask this. If someone claims to weant a comitted relationship-why don't they look for someone with a clear title? Instead of with someone else's name already on the certificate?

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Post #: 20

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