RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/11/2008 2:36:19 PM

bornsynner

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like most in this thread im sure i have what some would consider petty dealbreakers.. although a few are big to more than just me

-no alcoholics or addicts..
-not being married to another (i just dont want the drama)
-not being open-minded enough to tolerate others' differences (whether that be homosexuality, religion, race or what have you)
-not being smart enough to defend their beliefs based on how they came to that conclusion.. i want someone who's thought about what they believe in not "thats just the way i was raised"
-i like being able to trust and respect others so no liars

most differences i can live with as long as that person is willing to accept mine and openly discuss not push their opinions..

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/11/2008 2:45:14 PM

ELUSIVE1

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Tobacco is my deal breaker...smoking or chewing--watched both my parents die slow painful cancer deaths--have an ex-brother in law who had a good bit of his face/jaw removed because of cancer (He dipped snuff for years)--non-negotiable for me

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/11/2008 3:52:16 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

*Inspired by doms/subs who would list political opposition as a deal breaker to an otherwise viable relationship.

I guess I've always thought of deal breakers as those issues in which 'agree to disagree' can't be implemented. Marriage, children, monogamy, ect.

I am gathering that the more ardent your passion for a given subject, the more unlikely you will be to 'agree to disagree' as a viable alternative and that there are some issues where even the thought of such is anthema.

I find this very curious.

If Himself was set upon having more children (thankfully, he's not) it's not a subject we could ever agree to disagree upon because I simply can't have more children. He either gives up the idea or he leaves to find someone who is compatible in that area. In other words, there is no option here, no compromise available.

If Himself is uber right, Xtian conservative and I'm a hard-core left wing nut we can choose to agree to disagree and still have a viable relationship as the relationship is more important to us than any singular bone of contention.

Are some subjects (politics/religion - would love to see others listed.. abortion perhaps?) just too polarized to get to a point where you can agree to disagree? Are these issues of compatibility 'deal breakers' because the subjects themselves are so volitile or is it the passion of the participants or some other reason? Is the passion which these subjects inspire proportional to the volitility of the subjects or is it the volitility of the subjects which inspire such passion?

If someone absolutely dispised Sci-fi and another treated it as their religion, would you deem it silly to break up over such an issue? Is it any different from breaking up over politics or religion? Just wondering.

Celeste

edited to add: My bad, I should have posted this in off-topic. It's relationship oriented, but not BDSM oriented. Sorry, Mods. Feel free to move it, no harm, no foul.

I think it is bdsm related Celeste because you are bdsm orientated and i found it an interesting question not at all opposed to living within the lifestyle. I found it interesting because there is an assumption that it is only bdsm limits that can be deal breakers whereas, since we form and come together with bdsm dynamics in common, it might take a longer term relationship, akin to the one you are in, to find out how we each differ, one to the other, on other subjects such as politics or religious affiliation.
Bdsm, as sex, makes strange bed felllow of us all.
However, I was faced with a personal dilemma on this a while back. It is not easily apparent, until one gets to know me, what my political affliation is or indeed my religious affiliation or my faith is. It is not easy to discern my social class routes (so important a tool of prejudice as that is here in the UK). This is basically because my education tore me from my roots and in any case my parents were one of those strange couples whose age and background were very disparate.
But i have found (and only recently) that early experiences are a strong and almost subconscious bond that draws me to Him and although we do not spend that much time overtly talking about our pasts it is those roots which we deeply find alluring in each other.
Whilst i have banged on about how unimportant the age issue is to us, I think there might come a time when He might want them. This at the moment is unlikely given his pre-occupation with the lifestyle and his profession, and our interest in poly, but even then I have friends who have solved this by Him having a surrogate mother for His child and she raising it as their own.
I think deal breakers are therefore a type of anti-consent rather than by any objective nature of them. Indeed a tiring and stale lifestyle relationship could make anything a deal beaker. It's the equivalent of an irreconcilable reality in the vanilla world.

Prin xx

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/11/2008 4:19:24 PM

julietsierra

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I was married to a man who was a conservative. A HUGE conservative. A HUMONGOUS conservative. We tried the route of "we can agree to disagree."

Throughout the years, we agreed to disagree on more and more and more, till there was not much left we could talk about. In addition, these views of his, coupled with his distinct lack of compassion for people, his arrogance in making sure I knew just how stupid I was for my beliefs and so on have created in me this tremendous knee-jerk reaction when it comes to the other conservatives I meet in my life.

You see, while he might be going on and on about the woes of entitlement programs, I have a daughter for whom if not for those, she'd be unable to have any money whatsoever. Her ability to comprehend is so low that she's not going to ever really hold down a job and my name isn't Rockafeller. I need to know that she will have the ability to do silly things like eat and not live in a box when I'm gone. So, there's no way I could argue something like that logically vs emotionally, and frankly, if someone sat there saying he cared for me, all the while trying to get rid of what my daughter needs to survive...I don't have much respect for him whatsoever.

So yes, it'd be a deal breaker. Nothing ever exists in a vacuum and this deal breaker isn't just about politics. It's about the people behind the politics...I'm a person and my daughter is a person and trivializing things like this to have it be something we "agree to disagree" on is simply not possible.Intellectual and abstract discussions about her very ability even exist is something I really can't engage in.

I won't ever again compromise my values just for a man in my life. And my beliefs are part of those values.

So yes, extreme conservativism would be a deal-breaker in my life

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 1/11/2008 4:21:24 PM >

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/11/2008 7:44:38 PM

juliaoceania

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Juliet,

Beautifully said, I lost my father because we lacked health insurance when my parents had a financial setback, because we lost him it became a permanent setback... and I suppose people who espouse a certain political philosophy get to me on a gut level my entire life because of that. I was only 13 when he passed away. There ARE people behind the ideas that we throw around, and I just couldn't be involved with someone that did not see the connection between the ideology and the people that ideology impacts

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/11/2008 8:07:02 PM >

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/14/2008 12:06:44 AM

Feric

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My deal-breakers are pretty straightforward: cleanliness, sanitary habits, honesty, respectability, staying on an even keel, etc. Here's my top five requirements; breaking any of them is a deal-breaker:

Cleanliness - She has to dress in clean clothes, and maintain a sanitary home environment. I can forgive an unmade bed (I'm guilty of that from time to time), but if there's dirt under her fingernails or spilled food on the floor, it's over!

Honesty - I don't spend time with liars.

Respectability - All work is noble. I don't care if my sub repairs motorcycles or washes windows on a skyscraper or closes multi-billion-dollar business deals. It's all the same to me. But if she's ripping people off or holding up liquor stores, we're through.

Presentability - I don't care if my sub is wearing the latest Chanel suit, or just jeans and a T-shirt on a daily basis, but she has to be able to dress well enough so that I can show her off to friends.

Stability - Any partner of mine has to be able to balance life and work and still be able to hold a decent conversation in check. Mental instability is no fun, and having once been the target of an OCD woman (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) I won't spend time with somebody who's got a guest in the attic.

That's not a lot to ask.

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RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers - 1/14/2008 12:39:35 AM

MaamJay

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Some interesting answers. Basically, people have to be compatible with Master and Myself, and that means having similar morals, character and worldviews. So that would mean tolerance in terms of religious beliefs and ethnicity, and issues such as euthanasia, abortion. If they were a total zealot on anything ... that would be a red flag for Me. There can be some differences but like another poster, they have to be prepared to respect other opinions and be able to explain their opinions in a logical way. Politically, well ... after 11 years of John Howard, it would be hard for a dyed-in-the-wool Liberal voter to catch Our attention!

However, I was most interested in comments about music. For Us, both being so musical, total incompatability in that would be a deal-breaker ... Master and I both hate hip hop, rap and techno ... it's just not Our thing at all. We both get into melody more than beat. So someone who listens to that exclusively would be out. Most other things We can tolerate, and I have happily moved from being a folk performer to a classic rock singer! And someone who is non-musical (as in doesn't even enjoy listening) would probably find Us boring so that may not work for them.

I am a trekkie LOL ... but non-interest in that wouldn't be a deal breaker.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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