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Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 9:33:29 PM

Statepalace

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
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I need some insight, please, into the male Dominant brain.

How valid are, or rather how much weight should be given to comments made under, ah, duress?

Without going into graphic detail, (and NO it wasn't the "L" word), I am mulling over how to view certain comments made by my Dom this past Monday night. They were good and happy comments, and if they had been made at another time I would know exactly what to think of them. Hell, I would be doing back flips. With Him under the influence of six hours of topping and a raging hard on, however, I am not quite so certain.

So my question is this - Do you ever make affectionate comments and/or references to future togetherness that you completely do not mean, while "in the moment"?

To those whose immediate reply is "Ask Him", I'm not going to and here is why. IF He meant those things, then He can let me know in His own good time. I'm not going to press.

IF the situation simply made it slip out and He didn't mean it, I don't want to add to what must have been an "oops" moment. He's a wonderful guy, and while I hope that He was sincere I don't want to make it awkward.

In the mean time, my curiosity is driving me nuts.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

Post #: 1

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 9:42:28 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
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I believe you'll find your answer here....

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~ssanty/cgi-bin/eightball.cgi

John

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Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Statepalace)

Post #: 2

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 9:45:08 PM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
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Things said in such a venue are more likely to be the most honest and truthful things they ever say.

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See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

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Post #: 3

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 9:48:30 PM

Rushemery

Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

for my part No No No

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 4

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 9:50:33 PM

Rushemery

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Rover -- Good answer

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 5

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 9:51:32 PM

Statepalace

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
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Lol! Rover, the magic eight ball said "Ask Again Later". No help there.

I know it might sound silly, but the crux of the situation is that I don't know if I should mention it in some way.

If I don't say anything, and He meant it, well that would kind of suck and maybe cause some hurt feelings.

If I do bring it up, and it was an "oops" moment, then it's going to be rather awkward.

Really just wondering what the best course of action is, and trying to get some information.

Maybe the question should be "Men, would you want something you said in the heat of the moment brought up again, or would you prefer it not be mentioned?"

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 6

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:04:51 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
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No. everything that is said in the heat of the moment is just to reaffirm what was said when not in the heat of the moment.

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(in reply to Statepalace)

Post #: 7

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:05:37 PM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
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quote:

Maybe the question should be "Men, would you want something you said in the heat of the moment brought up again, or would you prefer it not be mentioned?"

I completely understand your situation, and how confused and anxious it makes you feel. However, the problem here is that no one can tell you the answer. Everyone is going to be different. From the submissive point of view, I'd bring it up if it was weighing on my mind so heavily. You could do it lightly, perhaps while cuddling, stressing that while you would understand if he had overstated his feelings in the heat of the moment, you'd like to know how strongly he meant what he said. You need to talk a bit and clear the air between you. It may be awkward, or he may say the words you are longing to hear.

I'm also thinking that a Dom would be less likely to blurt something out that he didn't really mean. My Master is much more controlled than any other man I've known and would be unlikely to say something he didn't mean. If he has spoken, I can take his words to the bank.

Good luck to you!

(in reply to Statepalace)

Post #: 8

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:10:11 PM

Rushemery

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yes ask always make sure things are clear

(in reply to Bound2One)

Post #: 9

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:17:02 PM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

Statepalace, it isn't your job to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

He said something very signifigant to you in the heat of the moment, now it is on your mind. he created this situation, you didn't.

it is bothering you. hell, it would sure bother me, if i was interested in long term with a man and he said something like that, and i still hadn't had the relationship defined between us in a way that made me feel secure.

the question isn't IF you should bring it up, it is HOW.

mull it over for a while, i am sure the right moment will come up and you will know what to do. just have faith in yourself and your insticts; obviously they are working in sync with him, or he wouldn't have developed feelings for you to the point of saying them regardless of circumstances.

i think not knowing is harder on you than anything; even if it turns out he got carried away, and he isn't quite all there yet on the road to long term and committment, you do already know he is starting to stray in that direction. and i think having confirmation either way is going to help you a lot, and you will be able to deal with either situation.

(in reply to Bound2One)

Post #: 10

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:21:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I never expect what is said or done in a scene to be equivalent to "not scene" time. Scene headspace is irrational, different sets of understandings, rules, expectations. Similar to really hot raging meaningless anonymous sex.

Since you're concerned, ask. But ask honestly and understanding that you might hear a harsh truth.

Asking is not pressing- it's saying "Hey, now this is on my mind and I'm curious."

It sounds too much like game playing and crap to me whenever someone can post something online but not talk to their relationship partner.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to BabyDollVanIsle)

Post #: 11

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:30:32 PM

Statepalace

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
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Thanks, BabyDoll. Not if but how.

I had planned on asking the "relationship" question in May. That will make it a year, but I think because we are long distance and only see each other every three months that a shorter time frame would be pushing it. We've both very, very cautiously danced around the issue up to this point. I've been holding myself back since August. I can wait another 16 weeks.

I suppose I should add this bit of information -

We'd been doing some "forced" (can't really rape the willing, so I use that word) role playing for the last hours of the evening, so part of my uncertainty is caused by that. I would have written it off as something said within the framework of a role play if He had not switched to using MY name, repeated it several times, then made His statements. That was one of my biggest "?" parts, as I didn't want to sound idiotic by saying "So, did you really mean it?" and have Him say, "We were role playing". It's not just His feelings I'm trying to safeguard here :)

I'm kind of feeling insecure about the fact that it was the first time I had ever done any role playing, and not knowing how to take what was said during that time is giving me brow furrows.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to BabyDollVanIsle)

Post #: 12

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:46:38 PM

Statepalace

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Joined: 9/20/2007
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LA, my instinct was to let it go as something said in an altered frame of mind. It helps to hear that other people have the same impressions. Part of the reason for asking was to get others viewpoints on things said under those types of situations.

What occurred made me curious, not just for my situation specifically but in a broad "Does this happen often in these kinds of situations?". Asking my partner "Hey, do people often say things they don't mean during a scene?" might not get me the variety of answers and experiences that I can get by asking here.

To me, it is not game playing and crap to ask something online before I talk to my relationship partner. It is a way for me to practice, refine my thoughts and get feedback from others before talking to my partner.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:55:21 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

So my question is this - Do you ever make affectionate comments and/or references to future togetherness that you completely do not mean, while "in the moment"?

I am not a male nor a Master, but I will say this. I never say things that I don't mean at any given time. To me, it is akin to someone who has been drinking to blurt out something that they wanted to say while sober but couldn't, and then use the liquor as a reason why they said it. I agree with LA on this, talk to him about it. Be honest about how you feel and let HIM worry about how he reacts to your questions. He is the one who brought it up to begin with, he should be the one to answer your questions now. Being a "Master" is being able to master and control ones own actions/reactions. If he didn't mean it, he wouldn't have said it. Just my opinion.
Good luck and I hope you are happy with his answers :)

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Post #: 14

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 10:56:15 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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State, do you ever say things you don't remember in the heat of the moment? I'm not sure that orientation should factor into it (meaning Dom or sub).

If I am expected to be responsible for what I say in the heat of the moment, OR remember what someone else said, I'm screwed (and not in a good way). It could be true, it could be false, it could be somewhere in between. I would hope that I would be asked if there was any doubt about it, and due to my "no secrets, no lies" policy, I would tell them the truth.

Cali

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(in reply to Statepalace)

Post #: 15

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 11:03:17 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Pretend it wasn't said. If he repeats it, well and good, you have your answer. To ask him if he meant it, when he possibly WAS just a bag of raging hormones, puts you and he in an awkward position. (but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that he DID mean it and will tell you again soon!!).

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Post #: 16

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 11:31:40 PM

rosanegra

Posts: 277
Joined: 1/1/2006
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I think people tend to be the most honest in the heat of the moment.

Think of it this way... when you're in a fight with someone, and you lash out at them, you might not necessarily mean to say something, but that doesn't mean you weren't thinking it before the fight began. In other words, you probably wouldn't say it if at least a part of you didn't feel it.

For something truly tender to have broken into what sounds like it was otherwise purely sexual, it must have been a pretty strong feeling.

In my experiences, a raging hard-on and a few hours of scening are likely to provoke just about anything BUT tenderness, sweetness, and caring in a man.... until the hard-on is taken care of and the aftercare has commenced.

My husband, who more or less fits the "male Dominant" profile (go figure :P), is ambiguous about it. He thinks that some men might say something they didn't mean in the heat of the moment, and others might not. He doubts that he would, if such a situation presented itself to him. It's unlikely that he will ever find that out for sure, though, lol.

I don't think asking him could hurt, and in fact if he's been going "oops," since it happened, he might be glad for the opportunity to clear the air and get it off his chest, as opposed to worrying whether or not you took it the wrong way. Otherwise, he'll probably be happy to affirm the way he feels.

I am assuming that no one who has posted an answer knows him though, so since you have been interacting with him for the better part of a year at this point, you're probably the best judge.

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RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 11:31:44 PM

Statepalace

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
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Cali, if someone wakes me in the middle of the night they can have an entire conversation with me and I won't remember it. And you're right, orientation shouldn't factor into it. I don't think either party should be held responsible for things said during that time, I was just wondering if it was more likely to be genuine reflections or random stuff that gets blurted out.

MissMagnolia - wait and see of He says it again was one of my top choices for handling it. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm planning on having a conversation with Him sometime in late May about the whole "us" thing, and that would be a good time to bring up any lingering questions about things said in the heat of the moment.

I don't think now is the time to have that conversation (unless He brings it up, of course). Things are going well and I am trying not to poke my happiness with a sharp stick. I know I may not get the answers I want, but I'd like a few more months of time spent with Him before I find out what's behind door number 1. If it's a no, then it will be time to move on, and I've set a year as a time line for myself. That's mainly why I don't want to ask right now.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 18

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 11:33:09 PM

Lordandmaster

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Ummm...you know, they don't all have brains.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Statepalace

I need some insight, please, into the male Dominant brain.

(in reply to Statepalace)

Post #: 19

RE: Things said in the heat of the, uh, moment - 1/11/2008 11:44:54 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Ummm...you know, they don't all have brains.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Statepalace

I need some insight, please, into the male Dominant brain.

Yes, some just have fucking elephants <g>

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Post #: 20

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