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Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:08:11 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

HoneyMaster and I met a lifestyle couple this weekend, just for drinks and to get to know each other.
This is a lady we have corresponded with over the last month, and her SO.
My issue;
Every time I write to her, (just a short note to say, sorry we couldn't make the meeting, or it was very nice to meet you and your SO) she never ever replies.
But when HoneyMaster writes to her she does.
She identifies as a switch, but, was meeting us as a domme.
I feel that in any new relationship, that respect should be given to all.
I almost told HM that I did not want to meet them because of two notes that had been disregarded previously. But then, I reconsidered, and thought it would be nice to meet new people in the area, and possibly have some friends I can discuss the sort of things we do without feeling weird.
We both wrote her a nice letter the day after the meeting, telling her it was nice to meet her, etc.
And yes, His was answered, while mine was not.
He thinks maybe she doesn't realize that it is inappropriate to treat me as lessor. (I never agreed to submit to her, and, as far as I am concerned, we are equals.)
Should He just not write back? (taste of her own medicine sort of thing)
Or should He let her know that this is not how we operate, and that He will not have a relationship with her outside of ours?
Neither of us want to anger her, but at the same time, I feel slighted and rather hurt.
He says He will do whatever I ask. ('cause He Lurves me, and doesn't want to see me hurt)
So....what do I ask?

~Christina

Post #: 1

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:11:36 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Mm. It could be that she assumes it is more proper to contact him, and that he will share her notes with you.

Or ... she could be one of those people who isn't comfortable snuggling up (emotionally) with a woman.

Or ... she could be outright ignoring you.

Ask her about it in person and tell her it bugs you.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 2

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:14:56 PM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

If she is in a Domme mode why should she reply to you. You belong to another person. The correspondence should be between your Master and her.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 3

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:17:19 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

She may be playing it "safe" and only replying to your master because she doesn't know what is appropriate for you dynamic for sure. Some people don't like another dominant exchanging letters with their sub, so she may be unsure of what to do in your two's case and is only writing to him to avoid that problem.

I'd say, before assuming she's being intentionally rude, just send her a note asking nicely why she doesn't respond to yours, too; that you and your master have been wondering about that.

If she doesn't talk to you two about it and get it sorted out then, then you know what's going on. It's just best to check first in case it's a simple misunderstanding.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 4

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:17:55 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Does she send regards for you through him?

Does she ask after you, your health, etc?

Does she acknowledge you at all?

I know there are certain people that have extended invitations to my Daddy, but not at all mention including me, and he and I have thought it rude. But some people do not know any better than to be that way. For the most part it goes ignored by us. Although it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth in regards to those who behave that way... I figure it is their personal issue and not to worry myself over it. I think you have handled it beautifully, you expressed how you feel to your master.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 5

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:18:28 PM

MissAidan

Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline

As the other person in question here, I believe I should put in my two cents. In my experience, when someone identifies themselves as a slave, it is more appropriate for a Dom/me to speak with their Dom/me in the begening. Especially when the Dom/me outside the relationship has been approached about working with said slave. Should one or more parties in the relationship have issue with this, they should simply communicate the problem as they see it to the person outside their relationship, as the person outside of it may not know that they operate differently.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 6

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:21:23 PM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

guess that is solved then (the issue)

(in reply to MissAidan)

Post #: 7

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:22:29 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

A long time ago when i was talking with couples... i was never ever allowed to talk to the female. it was always the male.

However this one time i finally was able to talk to the female...and by phone.
It was the only time i ever actually met with a couple in person. all the other times were just a waste of time.

_____________________________

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I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to MissAidan)

Post #: 8

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:28:19 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

If HM had a problem with me talking to anyone He would let them know.
I am still a person, and am given a great deal of leeway with whom I speak.
He would be very disappointed in me if someone had written me a thankyou note and I did not respond.
I guess some people just operate differently.

Thanks for your help.

~Christina

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:31:20 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAidan

As the other person in question here, I believe I should put in my two cents. In my experience, when someone identifies themselves as a slave, it is more appropriate for a Dom/me to speak with their Dom/me in the begening. Especially when the Dom/me outside the relationship has been approached about working with said slave. Should one or more parties in the relationship have issue with this, they should simply communicate the problem as they see it to the person outside their relationship, as the person outside of it may not know that they operate differently.

Expecting people to know and adhere to your own personal rules of protocol without ever telling them what those rules are, seems somewhat less than rational.

~stef

_____________________________

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(in reply to MissAidan)

Post #: 10

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:35:31 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

If I were your master, I'd explain that her ignoring her notes has hurt your feelings and that in my household you both are responsible for communication and expect to be communicated with as individuals and not merely as a Ds couple.

At that point you've laid out how things work and you can now find out whether or not you are all compatible even as friends.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 11

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:37:44 PM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

I would be inclined to either ask her myself or have HM ask her why she is not responding to you. It could be that you both are operating under guidelines that you think are appropriate and they just don't mesh. I think simple communication might clear everything up and it is very likely that she is not being interntionally rude to you.

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 12

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:37:48 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stef

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAidan

As the other person in question here, I believe I should put in my two cents. In my experience, when someone identifies themselves as a slave, it is more appropriate for a Dom/me to speak with their Dom/me in the begening. Especially when the Dom/me outside the relationship has been approached about working with said slave. Should one or more parties in the relationship have issue with this, they should simply communicate the problem as they see it to the person outside their relationship, as the person outside of it may not know that they operate differently.

Expecting people to know and adhere to your own personal rules of protocol without ever telling them what those rules are, seems somewhat less than rational.

~stef

Agreed. If I was to write a note to a dominant that we were meeting with, I would think it would fairly obvious that they are allowed to speak with me, particularly if I do this more than once. However, instead of ignoring me completely and responding to my owner only (which I do think is rude and so does he), we would much prefer that they simply speak with Valyraen and say "Your girl keeps writing me. I've always practiced X,Y, and Z. Am I allowed to speak with her?" or simply let us know that they would be more comfortable speaking dominant to dominant.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 13

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:38:25 PM

ottRopesandKnots

Posts: 105
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline

MissAidan summed it up quite masterfully I think.

I do have to chuckle though when I hear slaves complaining of not getting respect from Dom/mes.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:39:56 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ottRopesandKnots

MissAidan summed it up quite masterfully I think.

I do have to chuckle though when I hear slaves complaining of not getting respect from Dom/mes.

Why? It's not as though they are a superior species that magically deserves any more respect.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/14/2008 12:42:04 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to ottRopesandKnots)

Post #: 15

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:41:08 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Trite though it sounds, I think that honesty is the best policy. Send her a polite, respectful e-mail and ask her why she doesn't reply to your e-mails when she sends them to your master. Tell her that it hurts your feelings a bit. If she's is being disrespectful or if she has a valid reason, you can go from there, but nothing much can be done until you know her reasoning.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 16

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:41:40 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ottRopesandKnots

MissAidan summed it up quite masterfully I think.

I do have to chuckle though when I hear slaves complaining of not getting respect from Dom/mes.

are you implying that those who identify as "slaves" do not deserve respect??

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to ottRopesandKnots)

Post #: 17

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:42:09 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Have you communicated your expectations? If you haven't - how can she work with you? How do know she thinks she is treating you as lesser?
And try not to mix up respect with politeness. To different fillings for one sandwich.

Sounds like bad communication on all three parts with no one central to blame or being disrespectful.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 18

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:42:55 PM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ottRopesandKnots

MissAidan summed it up quite masterfully I think.

I do have to chuckle though when I hear slaves complaining of not getting respect from Dom/mes.

Respect should be given to/from everyone until it's negotiated otherwise.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to ottRopesandKnots)

Post #: 19

RE: Is this disrespectful? - 1/14/2008 12:43:00 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedOnMyChain

Trite though it sounds, I think that honesty is the best policy. Send her a polite, respectful e-mail and ask her why she doesn't reply to your e-mails when she sends them to your master. Tell her that it hurts your feelings a bit. If she's is being disrespectful or if she has a valid reason, you can go from there, but nothing much can be done until you know her reasoning.

I do not know that I would feel comfortable expressing those feelings to someone who flat out ignored all my previous attempts at communication.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 20

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