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Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 9:25:15 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Now that I have decided to make a determined effort to find someone compatible I have run across a problem I never had before.
I have ads up in various places and have been contacted by more than a few men.  That part is great!  I may even end up meeting someone I used to chat with a few years ago as friends.  I know I have been off the market for a long time, but have things really changed so much? My ex and I met as friends.  We hung out, we got to know each other and even had a number of dates before we got into penetrative sex..
So far all the men who have contacted me seem to be stressing the sex part of BDSM.  Yeah, they want to tie me, tease me, maybe even spank me.. but all of it seems to lead to sticking it in.
Don't get me wrong, I love sex.  But, for me it is a tad more personal than shaking someones hand.  I love BDSM with sex, but only after I feel close to someone beyond the artificial closeness of sensuality. 
My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM, because I clearly need it, yet not seem as though you might be out for an easy score of sex? 
Help
Kyst


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 9:28:39 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Look for those whos profiles empasis that they are here looking to make friends first and the rest will come naturally after that. Take your time. Focus on quality, not quanity. obviously those who have contacted you are not what you are looking for. have patience.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 9:32:26 AM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Write a profile that makes it clear that you need to take your time and that the BDSM and sex will come after you have gotten to know someone. Respond to profiles that make the same message clear.

_____________________________

'cause when i look down /i just miss all the good stuff / when i look up / i just trip over things

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
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RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 9:35:13 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM

/sigh
The same way you find people who are NOT into BDSM.

Why do people have to make this so fucking hard?

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 9:45:33 AM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline 		Men!!  *chuckle* (ducking)
I hear ya.  I feel ya.
There just seems to be a lot more weeds to be pulled.  And, the only solution is to just keep pulling the weeds until you find the greener grasses, unfortunately.  And, from what I've read so far, there have been some good suggestions on the thread on how to more effectively do weed pulling.


_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 9:51:24 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I have made a habit to throw back all who profile is a one line, or sexual. They dont get a chance with me if they tell me what they are going to do to me as opposed to the proper introduction. I want to know who they are and what they are about.

Yes, its like picking through the weeds. Its also like fishing where they are all biting but most need to be thrown back.

(in reply to MistressVnus)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:14:55 AM   
jasmine2008


Posts: 60
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		hey i'm not like that check my profile out

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:18:15 AM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
quote:

Its also like fishing where they are all biting but most need to be thrown back.


Yes!!  Like fishing for bass in a pond full of sunfish!!  ACK


_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:32:24 AM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		      When I decided to get back into the market a few years ago, I was looking for a monogamous, long-term with someone really compatible, BUT, I was looking for that exclusively among women who were kinky.  I found even more than that, as things turned out.

      Perhaps some percentage of the people you are hearing from simply want to establish that compatible interests are there before moving further.  Getting the question out of the way.

       But yeah, the rest are probably guys who think subs are easy.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:38:29 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Discuss it in general but make it clear you aren't going to play until you feel comfortable and that will probably take a couple of months.

The ones who are worthwhile will wait while the others will go away. But on a site like this, people want to know that they're compatible sexually/kinkwise since they've all met others who are compatible vanilla interests but not BDSM interests. Give enough info that they know if they're looking for an edge player, or someone into cutting or whatever that you are or aren't that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to TheHeretic)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:39:21 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM, because I clearly need it, yet not seem as though you might be out for an easy score of sex? 
Help
Kyst



Don't look for a relationsip - be honest you are into BDSM.  Don't advertise on couples sites.  Just be yourself elsewhere and everywhere.
Darcy and I met online, elsewhere and started out as friends - our relationship evolved.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:51:54 AM   
Honsoku


Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Now that I have decided to make a determined effort to find someone compatible I have run across a problem I never had before.
I have ads up in various places and have been contacted by more than a few men.

quote:

So far all the men who have contacted me seem to be stressing the sex part of BDSM.


As there is no mention of you doing so, have you considered browsing profiles and making contact first? Almost every time a woman complains about having serious difficultly finding people who aren't bottom of the barrel or opening with sexual topics, they are being passive and hoping that the good people will just show up on their metaphorical doorstep. If you go out looking for them, you can focus on the most likely candidates. The desperate and the horndogs are going to be the most aggressive and spam inboxes, thus is the nature of the internet.


< Message edited by Honsoku -- 1/19/2008 11:04:39 AM >

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 10:52:43 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		The other side of this -- for any guys who might be reading -- is that when I tell a woman that there's no chance I'm going to do anything physical unless we like each other and are friends, either she movs on right then or responds by saying, "Oh, THANK GOD!!!!"  There really are men, myself included, for whom "Friends First" is an absolute must.  Nice guys definitely don't finish last in the romantic cyberworld.  Care about something besides her ability to get you off, and she might actually respect you.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:02:36 AM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		It's the same old problem: Women use love to find sex... men use sex to find love. We, (men) want to know you're going to be able to be a good sex partner, before we commit to anything. Mostly because those of us who have been in relationships have gone into commitment, and then have the sex part of the relationship suddenly fade away...

You're basically paying for the deception that so many other women have pulled on us guys over the centuries.

(only half-kidding)

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:05:55 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Do you honestly think that adding a qualifier such as kink, does not up the difficulty ratio even a tad?  What if I had said, must also have wavy blond hair, or, must  be over 6 ft? 
Anytime you add in some addtional component into a seach, things automatically become more limited.  Maybe they dont in your world, but in mine, adding in intelligence, humor, or kink, all adds to the properties of keeping some people out.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM

/sigh
The same way you find people who are NOT into BDSM.

Why do people have to make this so fucking hard?


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:07:01 AM   
SubbieOnWheels


Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
Don't look for a relationsip - be honest you are into BDSM. 


Are the two mutually exclusive?

_____________________________

Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
I yam what I yam - Popeye

http://www.myspace.com/bethical_wheels


(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:10:01 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM, because I clearly need it, yet not seem as though you might be out for an easy score of sex? 
Help
Kyst



This lifestyle from my experience in meeting people and reading profiles has become nothing more than a swingers lifestyle or a way for the Dom/me to make money.  I dont offer sex so i know chances of me finding a lifestyle mistress is 0.00000000000000000000000001%




_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:10:56 AM   
agoodgirl4Daddy


Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline 		i have certainly found similar difficulties in having my profile on 2 kinky sites.  most of the people i've communicated with quickly turn their attention (if they haven't done it in their first email to me) to *SEX*.  i do think there are some out there who don't lead with their genitalia, but it seems they are few and far between.

i get my BDSM needs met thru real time friends i've met in the kinky community.  so far, i haven't met a steady BDSM SEX partner (in my case, a Daddy) in the real time community or online, but i refuse to settle for something that isn't right for me. 

it's definitely about kissing a lot of frogs.....  or so it seems to me!

GOOD LUCK!! 

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to bipolarber)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:12:19 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bipolarber

It's the same old problem: Women use love to find sex... men use sex to find love. We, (men) want to know you're going to be able to be a good sex partner, before we commit to anything. Mostly because those of us who have been in relationships have gone into commitment, and then have the sex part of the relationship suddenly fade away...

You're basically paying for the deception that so many other women have pulled on us guys over the centuries.

(only half-kidding)



This might be true. But excuse me. some know how to play the game. I ended up with someone who might have told me he looked at my picture and thought "yum". But he wasnt vulgar. Told me who he was about without graphics or smut. It didnt mean he wasnt sexy or sexual. He knew the value of being a gentleman.

So many men here treat women like they should respond to stimulus like a man. They have no clue what women are about. They need a transvestite, really. Someone who looks like a woman, but thinks like a man.

You can learn quite a bit about someone without getting vulgar in relationship to finding out if you are sexually compatible and not make it the whole focus of getting to know them.

Men who have a clue know the value of gentlemanly behavior. Men who act like gentleman, have woman shedding her panites for him..moving toward him quickly. Begging him to take her, whilst the other dolts get block and dont understand why.

(in reply to bipolarber)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Uncomfortable beginnings - 1/19/2008 11:12:20 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		They are not mutually exclusive.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to SubbieOnWheels)
Profile   Post #: 20
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