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on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 12:38:13 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Ladies ... gents ... I need some advice

It happens to all s types all the time, being patronised in some way. This probably has a lot to do with my age, but I find that the patronising tone adopted by many D types really winds me up. I want some help in how to reply to the tone without being rude or leaving myself open to accusations and brattiness.

An example .. I post regularly on my journal and a recent one is that I had a tough day at work and was struggling to think of a way round the problem to the solution ... i have had over 36 emails in response to that ..(a great many being words of encouragement which i am so touched by) . but I counted 23 of them which contain something along the lines of "serving me would take your mind right off it" ... or "dont worry your pretty little head" ... or most annoyingly "there are many things submissives are not cut out to do little one".

Now the stupid comments from people I dont know ... dont bother me ... but the people I have regular contact with sent those last three comments. When i showed them, in a calm, collected way .. that i found it patronising I was accused of being bratty and defensive ...

so how do you deal with being patronised by Dominants purely on the basis that as a submissive they can pat you on the head and say "never mind"

edited for shocking spelling

< Message edited by softness -- 1/19/2008 12:40:46 PM >

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio




Profile   Post #: 1
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 12:59:45 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		When someone comes back at you with something along the lines of an accusation of what you are when you explain how you feel - that is a defense mechanism.
I simply explain that they are wrong and that if they feel that way and cannot handle the way they feel, they would be better elsewhere.
A friend does not make accusations and one does not name call.  But if they do, then dismiss them and don;t allow their words to dominate you.  Just smile and let it and them go.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:02:30 PM   
venusinblu


Posts: 165
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		Men, and not just Doms, are visual creatures.  This is generally a good thing ....  But! You can say in your profile or journal 'i am a bright, capable woman' in a seventeen different languages and some (not all, but some) Doms will get word blindness - all they will see are the pretty picture/s of you and make wonderous assumptions to suit the visual of you, and the fantasy they have created. 

All women who put themselves'out there' to meet men seem to suffer this - not just subs.  i have friends on Vanilla dating sites who experience similar things - 'there, there dear, hush up and suck my cock, that'll make you feel better!'  

just my tuppence worth ...

(in reply to softness)
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RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:10:45 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
so how do you deal with being patronised by Dominants purely on the basis that as a submissive they can pat you on the head and say "never mind"



Dear S.-
 
That's a big word for such a pretty little girl!
 
heh.
 
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to softness)
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RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:13:51 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
so how do you deal with being patronised by Dominants purely on the basis that as a submissive they can pat you on the head and say "never mind"



Dear S.-
 
That's a big word for such a pretty little girl!
 
heh.
 
Lawrence


God. What a patronizing asshole. pant pant. Thats hot!

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:16:56 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

so how do you deal with being patronised by Dominants purely on the basis that as a submissive they can pat you on the head and say "never mind"



Usually?

I bite their hand, either literally or figuratively. In response to the comments you got, I might have said "Yeah, but you aren't a suitable owner for me so quit talking about it", "The last time I heard that phrase was a in play about sexism during the Victorian time period. Please save the "pretty head" comments for somone you own", and "There are many things dominants aren't cut out to do. Thanks to you, I know being polite isn't one of them."

Or ignore them completely. I said I tried to be nice, I never said I succeeded.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to softness)
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RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:27:26 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		FR

I think your age AND your picture can take a lot of the blame for this.  Do an experiment... take your pictures down for a month and see what happens.  See if people start responding to who you are as opposed to what you look like.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:30:37 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Awww, poor baby, would the little one like some candy?

(in reply to CalifChick)
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RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:34:35 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		soft... just out of interest -  these dominants who are being patronising - are they british?
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:51:30 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
so how do you deal with being patronised by Dominants purely on the basis that as a submissive they can pat you on the head and say "never mind"



Dear S.-
 
That's a big word for such a pretty little girl!
 
heh.
 
Lawrence



 ... bite me

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:52:34 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

so how do you deal with being patronised by Dominants purely on the basis that as a submissive they can pat you on the head and say "never mind"


The same way I deal with anyone that patronizes me, I communicate that I find this behavior unacceptable and disrespectful, and if they still wanted to converse with me after I have communicated my feelings, fine. If they don't have that level of respect for me, then they need to talk with someone else. This is not just a D/s issue, it is a life issue in dealing with anyone. There are times when I have found almost everyone I have ever known to be patronizing for some reason or another, even my Daddy has been a time or two. I have gotten to the point that I have created a boundary with that in my life.

Now telling someone that they have been disrespectful is never fun, but it is essential in having adult mature relationships. People are often patronizing without even realizing it ( I have even been guilty of it myself)


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:53:33 PM   
vagabondduo


Posts: 61
Joined: 8/23/2006
Status: offline 		AquaticSub,

Just LOVED your comebacks!!  Might even get the chance to use one of them some day. 

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:55:29 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

FR

I think your age AND your picture can take a lot of the blame for this.  Do an experiment... take your pictures down for a month and see what happens.  See if people start responding to who you are as opposed to what you look like.

Cali



see this has been suggested before ...my response then as now is this ... if they are going to get sidetracked by the picture and make a stupid comment then let them ... why should i give the fools a helping hand? ... I do get your meaning ... and to an extent I would side with you (for instance I dont dress sexy in the work place because I dont want it to be a factor in how people judge me) .. but in this context .. if all they see is the tits ... then that is all they will ever see

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:56:33 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I aim to please!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to vagabondduo)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:56:54 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Awww, poor baby, would the little one like some candy?


bite me as well .... ... what kind of candy??

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 1:58:10 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

soft... just out of interest -  these dominants who are being patronising - are they british?
 
the.dark.


some are ... most aren't .... majority are American .... why?

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 2:12:31 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

soft... just out of interest -  these dominants who are being patronising - are they british?
 
the.dark.


some are ... most aren't .... majority are American .... why?


Cultural differences - as well as men aren't great communicators when they aren't sure how to make a woman feel better anyway - so they may not be meaning to patronise, just not really sure how to address the situation.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 2:35:42 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

see this has been suggested before ...my response then as now is this ... if they are going to get sidetracked by the picture and make a stupid comment then let them ...


LOL.  Then don't be surprised as a pretty 18 yr old that you get patronizing comments.  Seriously... 36 responses to one journal entry? And you're surprised that three of them are less than stellar?  I'm surprised that MORE of them weren't of that flavor.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 3:18:07 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		smiles ... am 24 not 18 ... its a great deal more than three patronising comments

and so from what you say ... its ok for them to be patronising because i have that picture up?


_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: on patronising subs - 1/19/2008 3:23:34 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		People who are patronizing are afraid of being shown up.  It's a sign of insecurity.  No one truly confident will ever patronize someone.  I don't exactly suffer fools, but I don't patronize people.

And I like your first picture better than your second one!  (People who don't patronize might still entitle themselves to give unsolicted opinions.)

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 20
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