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RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:43:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It isn't a case of you being into wiitwd which causes this. Plenty of vanillas can't find a person who ignites that spark in them either.

If you're still in the healing/grieving stage of a relationship then this is time not to look, but just to work on yourself.

Make yourself the best you, you can be. Do things you used to enjoy but stopped doing. Investigate all the things you've always wanted to do but haven't. Hell, write a list of all the stuff you've wanted to try but haven't and then get to them.

Spend time with people you love; family and friends.

Do some volunteer work. Clean up your living space, get serious about an exercise program. Once you become the kind of person you want to be, you'll meet someone who wants that person.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:44:19 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I like your profile, for the most part.  But I would never contact you because I am not a wealthy person.  Maybe there aren't enough wealthy girls to go around.    

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:46:15 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		its all a forest...but I love climbing trees :)NO one can make that decision for you....do what feels right...get involved in the local BDsM groups see if that works for you..even local churches have BDsM groups...if you are religious...I used to drive 3 1/2 hrs for a munch after work just to drive back that night to be to work the next day...but being social is what I love... my 2 centsPamela

_____________________________

pettingdragons
"may the moon bless you with her light.......so you dont pee on your feet"

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:55:05 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I learned that as soon as I stopped worrying about the relationship I thought I wanted to pursue and started worrying about the person I was with I was far happier. When you meet the right match you can start with that and introduce your interests into it. Since you arent a hardcore sadist, a strict age player or any of the extremes of interest, introducing your M/s interests to a female partner might not be as hard as you think. Be honest with what you are into , and what you want out of life. Someone interested in you will at least be open to the idea of looking into it. You might have a bit of compromise, but thats true in any relationship. The more you let frusteration push your hand, the more likely you are to overlook that perfect tree comtemplating the impeneterable forest.

DV

Good luck


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to pettingdragons)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:57:19 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I totally empathize with the OP. A sub started a similar thread yesterday about this dilemma.

I think the word someone used was "purgatory" and that is very apt, for me at least. When you are used to feeling a level of intensity involving chemistry/BDSM/sex AND love/intimacy/companionship from past relationships, then it is almost impossible to accept situations where you only find A or B.

I do not agree now or will ever agree with those who say stop looking and things will find you. Yes, I do think we all need to live our lives fully and not wait, but when you are the kind of person who needs what we need, both the strong BDSM connection and love/intimacy connection in a partner and time and time again you do not find it, it gets very frustrating, depressing and leaves you, as the OP says, sort of on the sidelines not wanting to get in the game at times.

I know for me, that no matter how busy my life gets, I will still always want and need someone special for me, in it and no matter how wonderful and highly evolved I am, there is still a piece missing if I don't have that special connection with someone.

Since I am not poly, that suggestion would not work for, and at this point in my life, neither would casual encounters. Believe me, I wish that would work!!! It would make things much easier.

And I wholeheartedly agree that you cannot change anyone. I have experienced first hand being with someone for a very long time where the chemistry was as hot as molten lava, for years. But the other parts were missing and nothing I could do could change it.

And then I also experienced being with people where I was compatible on the intellectual and emotional and intimacy level and no matter how I tried, could not find the chemistry with them, I tried, not there.

So the answer is; there is no answer other than hope and I guess you keep trying or you stop for awhile and then start again. But I know for me, I could not settle for less than what I know I need or I would be denying my basic essence.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 9:10:37 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I know that there are a lot of people who would tell you don't settle. 
I see it a little differently. I am me, in or out of bdsm. 
The same person who enjoys being taken and used, is also the person who would cater to my family because I enjoy taking care of my loved ones.  My basic personality does not change because someone puts a label on me. 
So, whether it is in the nilla world, or bdsm, I am the same and I attract the same.  If I find someone who knows of the bdsm world, they know how to flip my buttons into a more active submissive.
If I find someone in the nilla world, they are with me because of me, as I am.  Someone who enjoys catering to my loved ones.  It may not contain the kink element of being sexually tormented, but it satisfies my need to be pleasing.
Kink is kink. 
As a maso when I am stressed I need to indulge because it is how I cope with life.
I have learned how to get that fix even when I am doing a celibate stage of my life.
But me being who I am, that does not change.  My need to please my loved ones would be there if it were bdsm, or nilla.
Even if I were dominant, my personality would be not depend on having someone to beat.  I would still have a need for control and seek out mates who are comfortable with that, nilla or not.
They may not enjoy the kink element but that doesn't mean I can't be me.
I would just find another outlet for the kink part.  Like, target shooting, race car driving, or some other thing that would give me a fix.
People say don't settle, but if you find someone who fits in your life, why put yourself on hold until someone magically appears?
Who is to say they ever will?  Not everyone will find a mate.
Kyst


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 9:19:33 AM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		There are many of us like the OP out there.   For me, it's not about finding the absolute perfect person it's about finding someone who will enjoy vanilla time n intimacy just as much as they do kinky fun. 

Unfortunately, finding those people isn't easy and I have had little success.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 9:26:47 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		Level:  As always, you strike right at the heart of the matter.  That is, indeed, the question.  Wish I knew...

...btw, it's good to hear from smart people.  Oh, and you, too.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 9:30:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I can't tell you what works for you, but I can say I always get confused and puzzled by kinky people who continually get involved in serious vanilla relationships and eschew kink completely.  I've never seen it work. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 9:47:23 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		It is not easy to find the perfect one- reguarless of the life style you are in.  Sometime we have to compromise.  No one can tell you which way to go.  You have to decide for yourself. 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 10:18:22 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

Level:  As always, you strike right at the heart of the matter.  That is, indeed, the question.  Wish I knew...

...btw, it's good to hear from smart people.  Oh, and you, too.




Hopefully it'll work out. You never know when the right one is right around the corner.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 11:12:31 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

You never know when the right one is right around the corner.


The lies we tell ourselves....




_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 11:31:33 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

You never know when the right one is right around the corner.


The lies we tell ourselves....









_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 11:37:34 AM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Every time I find myself cultivating a vanilla relationship, I realize that unless they are poly, or open to some type of D/s, it won't work.    I try to be careful with people's emotions so I haven't taken a 'nilla relationship that far in a long time.
Right now, I have a playmate so there is no need for me to actively look for someone.  If the love of my life happens along, that's great, if not, I'll just keep living my life to the best of my ability




< Message edited by PsyVamp -- 1/27/2008 11:38:39 AM >

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 11:59:08 AM   
creatrix


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Roseville, MI (GO PISTONS!)
Status: offline 		This has been an interesting thread to read. After contemplating the changes in my life... I knew if there was to be another One... he'd pop into my life in one way or another. I think... no I am not gonna jinx it... But today, I am pleased for the space I am in. Nuff said.

I have always known I was "different" sexually... always wanted to experiment, change positions, try "things" and until recently in my life, never found someone who was not appalled at the idea, but rather, to my delight and surprise, very experienced in domination. I always knew I didn't like a passive or closed-minded lover... I became frustrated and never orgasmed... When I would be with someone who "took control", I then became multi-orgasmic, along with many other fantastic things... I never realized the full potential I had as a sub/slave or that the natural position was even there until someone saw it in me and kept trying new things... til eventually I was serving and very pleased with the position... and so was he... I could not be with a passive lover for more than one time... not at this stage in my life... and I could never be a dominatrix... (although there was times in my younger days I would have loved to whip the shit outta someone naked at times... not for sexual reasons though, but for resolving a resentment... LOL)

Anyway, my point is, that it is possible that you may meet someone, who appears to be very vanilla, but has many unfulfilled fanstsies and being dominated sexually could be one of them... (I was 47 years old when the sub in me was finally realized and released... I am sure I am not the only "late bloomer" in the world!) Talk about fantasies with new women... Ask them theirs... but, be warned, if they are not open to being honest about their fantasies, they are probably too scared or have some kind of mental/religious block that prevents them from thinking their fantasies are healthy. Unless you can find that they could be receptive to allowing you to show them how fantastic fulfilling them can be... I do believe there are those who we will just click with... all the way around... kink, romance, adventure, personal interests... If you click with someone... really click with someone, sparks fly and turn into an erotic red flame... and nothing can stop it. Nothing...

Another note on relationships that "work": Always do the things you did when you first started seeing each other...ALWAYS... when it starts to slack... look at that. I also know that in order for a relationship to work... we each must do what we love to do for our own pleasure... "me time" or alone time or whatever you wanna call it. We all need space. and HONESTY. PERIOD. Cockiness, self-righteousness and closed-mindedness have no place in a relationship of any kind... friend, lover, or stranger...

I know you will find that One...you will... we all eventually do... :)




_____________________________

~creatrix~

A slave is to be measured from the inside,
for it is her soul that is enslaved,
her body simply follows...

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 12:35:00 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I've carefully read through your profile and journal, as well as posts you've made here in the forums... to be honest, what you appear to be searching for seems to be a very good match for several of the submissives here, myself included.  In fact, I suspect you find yourself highly desired with no lack of offers from compatible submissives.


Down girl! Down! 

Firm




_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 12:44:56 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: creatrix

... Another note on relationships that "work": Always do the things you did when you first started seeing each other...ALWAYS... when it starts to slack... look at that.


A little off topic, but a good point.  I can't tell you how many people I've seen complain that their relationship lacks the same vitality it had when it began... but don't realize that they stopped putting the same effort into it once they "caught" their mate.

Edited to add:

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

Down girl! Down! 


You know I only have eyes for you.  I'm being a good girl. 




< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 1/27/2008 1:01:38 PM >

(in reply to creatrix)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 1:23:55 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I will give you my two perty pennies....Actually since you retired early you have no need for them.

This is going to suck but I will tell you what I see when I read your profile. it doesn't strike me as creative or inspiring. You talk about things that do not illicit a warm response it all just sounds so premeditated and unoriginal. You want to "make love." You seem to want a women with exceptional qualities.

Here is the problem with your profile in a nutshell...You contradict yourself at every corner.


From your profile:

"It's much more about who you are than about what you look like, but assuming you are She, then, it would be additionally gratifying if you are slender, or else well-proportioned."

Or...

"I am not going to say "I want an LTR" or "I want a play partner" because neither of those is accurate. Lasting relationships are an important goal, for later discussion. I'm interested in that, but don't commit to that on a first date...

We will discuss relationship issues together maturely and arrive at a mutual agreement, or else find our needs do not coincide, even as we find each other sexually irresistible..."

"Q: Do you keep a harem?

A: Nope. Too much work. Dominance stretched too thin is just that: work. I am monogomous, period. "

then here we go again...

Please, if your financial existence is hand-to-mouth, if your education level did not exceed high school, if you find television is an important presence in your life, then understand that we are unlikely to find much in common beyond sexual attraction.

That can be ok, but it's only that.


Dude, you seem to be a pretty sharp guy....At this stage of your life do you really care if someone is college educated? I know many folks who have learned much more from their day to day walk through this world than they learned by picking up some books over two decades ago. If you are affluent why do you really care about what your partner brings to the table? What if she is divorced? Raised kids paid for their education? Seems like you are really limiting yourself.

I definitely have a set of criteria as to who I find "dateable." There is nothing wrong with having expectations. I just think you would dramatically increase your responses by not contradicting yourself and try to come across as someone who is satisfied and enjoys living his life and is looking to find someone to enhance your current situation.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is "in shape." Just say what you mean.

I hope this wasn't didn't come across as too condescending. It actually was not the purpose of the response....See the "waiting for approval" by all of my posts? I can be a total A-hole at times....But that was the old Domiguy. Now that I am a devout believer and follower of Moderatism...I have become a changed man.

But then again you just might be looking for a quick fuck and run...It is really impossible to tell from your profile.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/27/2008 1:27:02 PM >

_____________________________



(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 3:03:44 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		hummm..sometimes I have felt that 'feeling it" is not the same as it used to be when I was younger..that instant charge one got upon seeing that (what was thought to be)special person.."feeling it=chemistry"...have you maybe stopped to think that "feeling it" may be slower coming as we all mature and grow older?..Have you simply started with a slight physical attraction some similar compatabilities, simple enjoyment of a persons company..and grew from there...Have you never at first met someone and had not particularily been "attracted" but as you got to know them, they became more appealing?..Maybe as we get older we become wiser to the compatability factor over the Wow factor..we develop that bond as the relationship grows, we develop that closeness and dare I say it "love" for someone as our knowledge of them grows...I have no perfect answer for you OP...but if you do find the perfect answer let us know....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 3:39:55 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: creatrix

I have always known I was "different" sexually...


The irony of this , for me, made me smile.
The thing is i never knew i was different because the difference, well i was different if that is what it is at such an early age, in fact right from the very beginning. Twinned, addictive masturbation, submissive and extremely early sexualisation, privated, had visions, precognitive....you name it....and somehow always on the outside looking in.....times changed and now everyone wants to be different even when it causes them anxiety...it's ironic......but the sheer JOY of having no shame and no guilt that's what makes it work for me.

So; if it's not perfect now it's not because it's me. When i look in the mirror i truly love whom i see, truly. i don't NEED anyone to feel more loved and so it has helped me to go through why i feel i do need someone and indeed why it couldn't be anyone in theory at least.....let me see who i am now...........

Pansexual, some call it bi, switch...well that's just about everyone oh and poly so if one person isn't 'quite right' whatever that means, then have more than one person...EXCEPT when it feels like being all of these roles and orientations is limitless it works for me to have a Master who gives me 'edges', gives me assignments that push even the limits i don't realise i have.

And i have Him and i am gratefuk and i had to 'kiss a lot of frogs' to get here.....but if you asked me how i know He's perfect i would have to say because it's a feeling as He doesn't fit ANY of mu pictures and isn't in the form i thought he would be. And i didn't find him along the bdsm trail and even though He is a dominant sadistic Master the first text He sent me was 'what would you like to do with me?' and i could have thrown it away thinking and mistaking Him for a passive submissive type......

Somehow it is desire itself that blinds us from seeiing what might be right before our eyes.......best advice; KISS FROGS! Allow a dominant to show his intimate qualkities or a domme her intimate qualities...allow a submissive to have strength and points of view in the vanilla world and allow your slave to be free.......there probab;y isn't such a chasm between intimacy and perversion........there probab;y isn't so much difference between WIITWD and what 'they' dom't at least not as much difference as we think.....that's just something that keeps us isolated.........

(in reply to creatrix)
Profile   Post #: 40
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