hard limit

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magicone -> hard limit (2/3/2008 4:28:06 AM)
may that question sounds strange but i would like to have some insight. if a hard limit is already talked about, negotiated and both of you - the Dom and sub agreed on terms. the Dom is coming up a couple of weeks later and trying to break your hard limit, push it.... what would you think? thanks a lot for the reply...

RCdc -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:32:44 AM)
First you need to define 'hardlimit' If it's something that breaks your integrity or your ethics, then the dominant is an asshole if it's already been negociated. They are breaking the conditions, not you. If they continue then, bubye. the.dark.

Aileen1968 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:34:24 AM)
Some people like to have their hard limits pushed.

christine1 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:35:23 AM)
to me it would depend on what the hard limit is...there are a few i have that i absolutely won't allow to be pushed in any way and some that i don't feel quite so strongly about. maybe it would help if you asked him why he wants to push a certain hard limit of yours so you could understand it a little more. it might make you a little more willing to be pushed.

magicone -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:37:31 AM)
hard limit we talking about here is i am firm believer in monogamy.... there is no compromise between being in a open relationship or being in a monogam relationship... we already negoatiated that and i had his word so far... cause he told it is not a need to him that other will be involved... now he is coming up with that issue again and try to give me i should keep my mind open as an option... for me definitly a no go..... it is a hard limit to me period... kind of hard to me at the moment - being honest

MissMorrigan -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:38:32 AM)
If terms were negotiated and limits agreed upon, if behaviour went outside these terms how do YOU feel about someone's disregard insofar as their failure to respect them?

RedMagic1 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:39:19 AM)
What the ladies said. But what category of limit are you talking about here: "No anal" or "No UMs or animals"? Some hard limits are due to fear or strong personal preferences. Others are because the activity is illegal, unethical, unsafe and just plain whacked. Edited to add: you responded before I finished posting, thank you. So then..... you need to figure out how important monogamy is to you.

magicone -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:40:27 AM)
being honest how i feel?? i feel betrayed - especially right now, cause i am on the way of relocating.... beside he refuse to talk with me about that issue.. and is not willing to give me a clear answer.... seems like i have to step out....

christine1 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:46:51 AM)
if he won't talk with you about it then he's disregarding something that he knows you feel strongly about, if it's happening now it will most likely happen in the future. i know that doesnt' help you feel better, but it's something to think about.

MissMorrigan -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:47:22 AM)
You know, sometimes I have encountered people who have said what people have wanted to hear, using it to borrow a little time in thinking that along with emotional attachment will come an inclination to be more manipulable... I think you already know what the answer is to this, Magicone.

MistressVnus -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 4:52:31 AM)
I would say.... "Warning, Will Robinson. Warning, Will Robinson."

RCdc -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:01:07 AM)
Think about the way he is not wanting to talk about it. Is it 'I don't want to talk about the issue and not communicating kind of way' or Is it 'OK, I am now clear you want monogamy and we don't need to talk about it anymore kind of way'. Remember that the majority of men, when they come to a realisation or decision, don't have to keep going over and over it again and again. Both are very different intentions - ones a denial, ones a 'Im seeing your POV'. If it is the first and he has just shut down communication and disregarding your limit, then definately do not consider relocating until this issue is resolved. You have to be sure he isn't just fobbing you off and thinking he can be monogamous because if he isn't, its going to risk the relationship in the future. the.dark.

magicone -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:04:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Think about the way he is not wanting to talk about it. Is it 'I don't want to talk about the issue and not communicating kind of way' or Is it 'OK, I am now clear you want monogamy and we don't need to talk about it anymore kind of way'. the way is.. when i try to talk about and wanna have a clear answer - cause it is important than he tell me i spoil his mood.... so it is not a solution at all ,-))

LadyHathor -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:13:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 Some people like to have their hard limits pushed. ok here is where I disagree--a hard limit should be a hard limit and that is the end of the story--if one has a hard limit that they want pushed----that to Me is a soft limit---we have to get to a point where hard is STOP, NO, NEVER or it is a renegotiation---ok Master, Id like to think about and maybe with your support--try this--but when we say things like that, it sends a message to Dominants that pfftttt whatever the submissive says doesn't hold water---and in this case-- *If it is a hard limit--then stand firm--remember this life WIITWD does not erase respect for an individual.*

RCdc -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:13:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: magicone quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Think about the way he is not wanting to talk about it. Is it 'I don't want to talk about the issue and not communicating kind of way' or Is it 'OK, I am now clear you want monogamy and we don't need to talk about it anymore kind of way'. the way is.. when i try to talk about and wanna have a clear answer - cause it is important than he tell me i spoil his mood.... so it is not a solution at all ,-)) I'm just trying to get a clear perspective here. So you are asking him if monogamy is still ok like you both previously negotiated, and he isn't giving you a clear directive either way? If that's the case I would make a request of him to consider if he is comfortable with monogamy, and ask him to consider it regardless of your limit and when you see him in two weeks, that the answer will be given. Don't offer or demand an ultimatum, don't drop it on him or come out and ask verbally - write a clear letter with a request, not an order. If he fulfills the request, you know he listened (whether the answer is to your liking or not) if he doesn't - then you already know the course of action you have to take, as heartbreaking as that may be. If his answer is that he cannot commit to monogamy, you then have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker or not. the.dark.

eyesopened -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:17:49 AM)
Relationships work when there are common goals. When two people are moving in opposite directions how can they get anywhere? You want monogomy and He doesn't. How does that get pushed? Is He willing to let *you* be non-exclusive as well? That would be a good compromise.

magicone -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:20:37 AM)
Darcy and the dark i already did - writing a letter, trying to talk, not pushing - asking him when he has time - and able to give me an answer. no reaction.... he let me hang in there... i feel really betrayed cause the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house - we have contracts here in germany too ,-)) fact is - if i am in states.. with a kid.. and there is just one chance i am on his whim. it is a hard limit for me.. period. i do not have to find excuses why or why not... a hard limit should be respected in my eyes. in considering that my life will gonna change and most important the life of my kid i do have responsibility it is just necessary to know a clear statement i can trust on... or may i am so nut???

burningdesires47 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:33:30 AM)
"Allowing" a monogamist partner to be non-exclusive when the other partner is not interested in monogamy is not in any way, shape, or form a compromise. A compromise is where both people can agree and be happy with the final result, which usually involves both people giving up something they WANT in order to fulfill a NEED. If the OP cannot be happy in a non-monogamous relationship, then "letting" her be non-monogamous isn't him giving up anything, OR meeting her need to be monogamous. Some people "compromise" on that issue by the monogamist partner saying, "You go do other people just don't let me find out about it, and I'll go bury my head in the sand and pretend I don't see what's going on." But that's not exactly ethical or healthy, by most standards.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:35:05 AM)
magicone, it's really pretty simple. Don't go. Don't relocate until you have a direct answer, and even then I would think long and hard about it. He changed his mind once, what gonna stop him from changing it again? Have a back up plan. If you do relocate and this happens again, have a way out, a way home for both of you. *Jewel*

RCdc -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:36:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: magicone Darcy and the dark i already did - writing a letter, trying to talk, not pushing - asking him when he has time - and able to give me an answer. no reaction.... he let me hang in there... i feel really betrayed cause the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house - we have contracts here in germany too ,-)) fact is - if i am in states.. with a kid.. and there is just one chance i am on his whim. it is a hard limit for me.. period. i do not have to find excuses why or why not... a hard limit should be respected in my eyes. in considering that my life will gonna change and most important the life of my kid i do have responsibility it is just necessary to know a clear statement i can trust on... or may i am so nut??? Not a nut. If you have done the whole request and he hasn't given you the time to have at least some sort of answer, then in all honesty, you already know that there is a incompatability issue. If he can't make time for this issue, how many other issues are there he won't make time for? Your family (and I am avoiding talking about children so that the thread doesn't get pulled) is important, and if you are moving from germany to the states (thats how I am reading the post) then a firm answer is absolutely important. I get the impression you already know what you have to do, and it sucks, but you will get through it. the.dark.

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