RE: hard limit

RE: hard limit (Full Version)

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BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:47:00 AM)
magicone, it is my experience that when a man doesn't want to tell you something that will make you furious/want to break up with him, he will pretty much play the avoidance 'you are spoiling my mood' dance. it is hard to really find out what a person is made of when you are conducting a very long distance relationship. it may be time to reconsider relocating.. at least postponing it. baby doll

RedMagic1 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 5:56:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: magicone the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house Some of the responsibility might rest with you here, because you did not know this guy well enough before deciding to relocate. But regardless -- trying to get you to renegotiate the day after you give up your place to stay is the timing of a manipulator. Couples renegotiate limits after developing a foundation of trust, and after trying their best and saying, "You know this just isn't working for me." What's next? He waits until you're in labor and in between Lamaze breaths he whispers in your ear, "Honey, I think we should start seeing other people."

windchymes -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:02:57 AM)
I agree with Darcy.....with something as important as moving yourself and a kid to another country, halfway around the world, the person on the other end MUST be completely honest and up-front with you about ALL issues so that you can feel comfortable making the decision to change your lives so drastically. That is not an easy decision to make, and its even more difficult to actually DO. If he is causing you to be afraid and unsure, it's not good, and you should not move. You sound like a very smart and strong person, and it's good that you are looking out for yourself and the little one, rather than just blindly doing what he wants.

eyesopened -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:06:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: burningdesires47 "Allowing" a monogamist partner to be non-exclusive when the other partner is not interested in monogamy is not in any way, shape, or form a compromise. A compromise is where both people can agree and be happy with the final result, which usually involves both people giving up something they WANT in order to fulfill a NEED. If the OP cannot be happy in a non-monogamous relationship, then "letting" her be non-monogamous isn't him giving up anything, OR meeting her need to be monogamous. Some people "compromise" on that issue by the monogamist partner saying, "You go do other people just don't let me find out about it, and I'll go bury my head in the sand and pretend I don't see what's going on." But that's not exactly ethical or healthy, by most standards. Oh hell, i didn't spell it out but the mutual agreement to non-exclusive i meant to imply. But really, it was just me being a passive-agressive bitch because so much of the time the male wants non-exclusive or to add females but will insist on the females being exclusive to Him. Or let the girls have each other but all gods forbid his submissive play with other males.

DesFIP -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:07:54 AM)
Unless you specifically talked about pushing limits and you agreed to it, I would tell him goodbye. Because if you can't trust him to keep his word now, you can't trust him to honor a safeword or anything else.

lronitulstahp -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:17:17 AM)
Magic, It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. That nagging feeling in your belly isn't there for no reason. Do you want to enter into a relationship that becomes open without your specific consent? A Dom does not have the right to deal with his sub dishonestly, or to disregard previously agreed upon terms at His whim. In your profile you talk about love of being a mother, and how your duty as a mother is vitally important. Can you in all honesty guarantee the best life here in the US on such shaky terms? Prioritize, and in the end the decision is yours to make...btw...i think German Doms are damned sexy...so good luck either way(wink!)

RCdc -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:28:36 AM)
This is Darcy My advice to you, magicone, is to put this whole thing on hold until you can decide between yourselves exactly what the parameters of your relationship are. With *the.dark* and I, before we committed to out future plans, which involve me moving loacations, and jobs, we talked about what were the important things in our relationship, and what limits (I hesitate to call them hard limits for reasons I'll cover in a moment) we were going to agree on. Monogamy is an important issue for both of us, and so we agreed that our relationship was to be, and is, a monogamous one. And this is where I believe that people, in particular men, and definitely your Dom, need to decide what is important to them, and how much they want their relationship to work. As a man, do I want to sleep with other women? The honest answer is yes, of course I do, I'm a man! However, because I value my relationship with *the.dark* above any carnal desires (except between the two of us), then I am more than happy to be monogamous. There is also the issue of having to have things equal on both sides. So, if I am to sleep with other people, then it follows that I should have no problem with her doing the same, yes? Well, no. Because I don't like the idea of *the.dark* sleeping with another man (another woman? I could be swayed - I am, after all, just a man [;)] - but, hang on, this implies that I would be there too, so we're into threesome territory - oh God, this sex thing is so complicated!). Now, where was I (cold shower)...... OK, basically your Dom needs to give you a straight answer - will he be monogamous or not? And you have to be honest with yourself about his answer - if he will not be monogamous, will this be a deal breaker (and bear in mind the UM here - they will be affected by the dynamic you agree to). Also bear in mind, as has been noted previously, can you trust his word if he agrees again to monogamy? The last thing you want to do is to move half way around the world only to find yourself in a relationship that isn't what it said on the tin. So, my advice - put everything on hold. The fact that you are asking this question here indicates that you know the answer already, but hopefully hearing it from others here will justify your reluctance to relocated based on a broken agreement. You have to do the best thing for yourself, but more importantly your UM. Changing schools and cities is hard enough, never mind countries, so the last thing you want is to take them into a relationship and dynamic built on uncertain terms. And no, you're not a nut, just a sensibly cautious woman and mother. [:D]

lronitulstahp -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:35:27 AM)
[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m21.gif[/image]pssttt... Darcy&the.dark, As soon as they perfect this cloning thing...mind if we get a little of Darcy's DNA...i mean if i'm still single??? I would definately like to be able to find it at Domsrus...at the very least...

lauren0221 -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:43:54 AM)
While I am not diminishing the limit he is trying to push - am much more concerned about his timing, and his methodology in doing so. Poor/no communication in situation such as this is one of my hard limits.

Rover -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:44:48 AM)
Is it possible that the fantasy of you coming to live with him was great, but now that the reality has arrived he's not so fond of it? And he's too far invested in the fantasy to simply tell you (ie: he doesn't want to incur your wrath for having misled you in such a significant way)? That would explain choosing a hard limit with which he knows you won't compromise. Of course, all of this is pure speculation. Only he knows for sure. And if he isn't talking... well... that says a lot. John

MmeGigs -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:50:52 AM)
I'm reading between the lines quite a bit here, and may be completely off base, but it doesn't sound to me like you're being betrayed, although I can understand how it would feel that way. From your point of view, this issue was settled and he should live up to his agreement. This isn't about violating a limit, though, it's about basic relationship compatibility. From what you said, it sounds like this issue just came up fairly recently. It sounds like now that he's had a few weeks to think about it, he's not sure that he can make that commitment. Try seeing this from his perspective. You have said that there is no compromise on this issue for you - he must move to your point of view. If poly is part of who he is, like monogamy is part of who you are, you're really asking quite a lot of him but you don't seem to be acknowledging that. While I don't think it was your intention to do so, you've issued an ultimatum. If he can't make an absolute commitment to monogamy, his only choice is to leave. It could be that he's not giving you a clear answer because he's still trying to figure it out, or doesn't like the answer he's come up with and is trying to find some other way. My suggestion would be to forget about who agreed to what and talk with each other about this from the perspective of people who care about each other and want the best for each other. There's no one at to blame, no injured party, it's a relationship issue that needs to be dealt with and resolved. If you can't compromise on this and see no possibility that you might see things differently in the future and poly is something that's fundamental to him, there may be no other solution than to end the relationship.

RCdc -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 6:58:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MmeGigs Try seeing this from his perspective. You have said that there is no compromise on this issue for you - he must move to your point of view. If poly is part of who he is, like monogamy is part of who you are, you're really asking quite a lot of him but you don't seem to be acknowledging that. While I don't think it was your intention to do so, you've issued an ultimatum. If he can't make an absolute commitment to monogamy, his only choice is to leave. It could be that he's not giving you a clear answer because he's still trying to figure it out, or doesn't like the answer he's come up with and is trying to find some other way. Total and utter bullshit. If he was poly, he should have been clear to her in the first place. If he was poly and agreed to monogamy he accepted responsibility of that decision and now follows it through, not change when it's too late for her to turn back. Giving him a slight yay* for at least indicating his preference before she is in a strange country yes - but don't shift the whole 'well your making him change' crap at her.* He is the one at fault here by denying his polyamourous leanings and pretending he can be something he isn't. And yes there is blame when he wont communicate to her a clear message. Shes been up front from the start - he is the one now walking along the line and not sure what border to cross... which sucks when there are others involved. If he is trying to figure out a solution then at least he should give her that as an answer. He hasn't - he is simply waiting for her to make the choice for him. the.dark.

magicone -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 7:02:00 AM)
thanks a lot for all the replies so far..... and so just about our safety and safe words ,-)) http://mojoflix.com/Video/Safe-Word.html .. i will always smile - life is just to beautiful for..... thank you

TracyTaken -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 7:09:04 AM)
quote: and is not willing to give me a clear answer.... seems like i have to step out.... That sounds like a wise choice.

quick -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 7:56:19 AM)
Thank you for saying that. You cleared up something that was quickly becoming muddied for me.

IrishMist -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 8:09:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark This is Darcy My advice to you, magicone, is to put this whole thing on hold until you can decide between yourselves exactly what the parameters of your relationship are. With *the.dark* and I, before we committed to out future plans, which involve me moving loacations, and jobs, we talked about what were the important things in our relationship, and what limits (I hesitate to call them hard limits for reasons I'll cover in a moment) we were going to agree on. Monogamy is an important issue for both of us, and so we agreed that our relationship was to be, and is, a monogamous one. And this is where I believe that people, in particular men, and definitely your Dom, need to decide what is important to them, and how much they want their relationship to work. As a man, do I want to sleep with other women? The honest answer is yes, of course I do, I'm a man! However, because I value my relationship with *the.dark* above any carnal desires (except between the two of us), then I am more than happy to be monogamous. There is also the issue of having to have things equal on both sides. So, if I am to sleep with other people, then it follows that I should have no problem with her doing the same, yes? Well, no. Because I don't like the idea of *the.dark* sleeping with another man (another woman? I could be swayed - I am, after all, just a man [;)] - but, hang on, this implies that I would be there too, so we're into threesome territory - oh God, this sex thing is so complicated!). Now, where was I (cold shower)...... OK, basically your Dom needs to give you a straight answer - will he be monogamous or not? And you have to be honest with yourself about his answer - if he will not be monogamous, will this be a deal breaker (and bear in mind the UM here - they will be affected by the dynamic you agree to). Also bear in mind, as has been noted previously, can you trust his word if he agrees again to monogamy? The last thing you want to do is to move half way around the world only to find yourself in a relationship that isn't what it said on the tin. So, my advice - put everything on hold. The fact that you are asking this question here indicates that you know the answer already, but hopefully hearing it from others here will justify your reluctance to relocated based on a broken agreement. You have to do the best thing for yourself, but more importantly your UM. Changing schools and cities is hard enough, never mind countries, so the last thing you want is to take them into a relationship and dynamic built on uncertain terms. And no, you're not a nut, just a sensibly cautious woman and mother. [:D] Is anyone so totally in love with this guy? Dayum...[:D] On a side, I agree with everything both he and Dark had to say.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 9:10:23 AM)
I can think of several possibilities. 1. He is married or has a gf. 2. He lied to you about his intentions from the beginning. 3. He recently met someone else who lives closer and is having second thoughts. 4. He's a wanker. Sometimes, things can happen such as a sick relative that can complicate or delay a live in situation but I doubt this is the case in your situation as he would have no reason to be secretive about the matter. This guy is hiding something.

batshalom -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 9:11:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: magicone i feel really betrayed cause the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house - we have contracts here in germany too ,-)) Sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing - he's got you right where he wants you. If this has always been your hard limit and he's pushing it now that you're moving overseas to be with him (with no emotional or family ties here), he's alienating you and giving you precious few options. It sounds like, in the interest of self-preservation and the continued well-being of your UM that you need to spoil his mood really well and tell him to forget it.

shellzbythesea -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 10:32:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: magicone i feel really betrayed cause the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house - we have contracts here in germany too ,-)) you're feeling betrayed because you've been betrayed. Is there any chance you can UNquit your contract now? If so, i'd start there. Obviously, even if you decided to try to "work this out" (and i'm not sure why you would at this point), you will probably need to take some more time to build the trust that he has now destroyed. fact is - if i am in states.. with a kid.. and there is just one chance i am on his whim. Excellent observation. Repeat that to yourself over and over because it's a fact. you will indeed be at his whim if you've no other friends in the States and you've no back up plan (perhaps you have one but it doesn't sound like it from what you've stated above). it is a hard limit for me.. period. i do not have to find excuses why or why not... a hard limit should be respected in my eyes. i'm with you...hard limits are exactly that. HARD limits. And if he was aware of this limit to begin with...and AGREED to it...he is responsible for upholding his end of the bargain, "Dom" or not. in considering that my life will gonna change and most important the life of my kid i do have responsibility it is just necessary to know a clear statement i can trust on... i'm very relieved you see the most important part of this equation...you have a responsibility to one who is much more important than this Dom. Putting your own butt on the line is one thing but putting your UM on the line is another. That said, you are a valuable and important person YOURSELF and even without a UM, you deserve to be treated with respect...and no one deserves to be lied to or betrayed. or may i am so nut??? Probably not. But it sounds like you're being snowed by one. On second thought....doesn't sound as though you'll be snowed, at all. This may come as a big surprise to him.

AquaticSub -> RE: hard limit (2/3/2008 12:40:47 PM)
~Fast Reply~ You've gotten some really great advice here. Reread all the posts by Darcyandthedark if you need my opinion (thanks for saving me all that typing! [;)]) I just want to stress again that you really shouldn't relocate until you have this matter settled in a way that you can feel good about.

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