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RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 2:36:21 AM   
frenchpet


Posts: 587
Joined: 8/19/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry to interrupt but I don't see anything wrong with what I do in real life. When I meet new women, I may go out with ten different women, party and dance with all of them, chat and joke with all of them and do different things with all of them ... This is how most become friends, and how I start a serious relationship with one of them. Is there anything wrong with that ?

On this website I haven't even started anything with any woman, either because I'm too picky or because using emails is just not for me. But if I had found a large number (or at least more than 2) of Women meeting my criteria (there is a geographic criterion, which is the area where I expect to live soon...), I guess I would have started chatting with all of them. And I really can't understand what would have been wrong with that, more than having a pleasant evening with one woman (I mean, dining together or going dancing or to the cinema or...), and then the next evening with another one. I do this all the time (well, not these days actually ), with friends, and I fail to see anything wrong with having good time with friends. Even if you've started talking about sex, well, I talk about sex with my friends, it's one of my favourite topics. Friends talk about sex all the time (at least on my planet), simply because sex is beautiful.

Sorry for this off-topic post. Proceed, please.

Edit : maybe I'm totally missing the point because I fail to see people as "dominants" and "submissives", because besides professionals and some people who live a 24/7 BDSM relationship, those terms only apply to them about 5% of the time. The rest of the time what matters is if they are nice, tall, smart, funny, curious...if they have a job, if they like it...

If a Woman would ask me to stop seeing all other Women at all, it would end any relation between this Woman and me, simply because there is nothing I enjoy more than the simple company of Women (besides sex with them, of course), as it was the case with Bertrand Morane (The man who loved women) : "Women's legs are like compasses, circling the globe, providing it its balance and harmony." (personal translation).

< Message edited by frenchpet -- 9/11/2005 3:24:55 AM >

(in reply to DesertRat)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 6:43:13 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

I simply wanted to find a girl who could focus on getting to know Me and while she did, have the respect and decency to cease talking with all other Doms.


What does this have to do with respect and decency?

Quite frankly, any Dominant that thinks a sub should stop talking to others Doms the moment there's any interaction puts up red flags for me, for a number of reasons. It would give me the impression that you're threatened by other Dominants. Which is trait that I would find undesirable in a Dominant. It would give me the impression that you're trying to mark and control your territory before you have that power. And removing contact with outisde people is a tool that abusers use.


I'm with OsideGirl on this as being a bit of a red flag for me, for the same reasons she sited.

Assuming, or suggesting all contacts with other men to cease, during a "getting-to-know-you" phase, is expecting too much, as I see it.

I would never deal with a man that expected this myself, and as a dominant <yes, replying once again in the submissive forum >, I've had men make comments similar, as to my involvement with others...which was sooooo off base, it was laughable.

While I met a man, for a possible personal relationship, I was also doing business as a Pro for a few brief months, years ago. I was more than up front with this, and the man, during our very first face-to-face meeting offered that he "would ALLOW me to see other men." <insert guffaw here>

Anyone that suggests, or as the OP later explained, that it's his desire to have a lady stop talking with other Doms, is quite possessive to start, as I interpret it.

I do feel that his subsequent responses in this thread helped to explain more, about him, so it may now be more understandable how he reacts to things, and why he expects commitment so soon. <Also is an indicator that Osidegirl was more right on with her opinion too!>

I feel that if two people (or more in a poly set up) want to make a specific commitment to one another (or all), then they should discuss their expectations and desires, and have the decision be mutually decided and agreed upon.

Committing on initial contact, or even after weeks, or even a few months is too soon in my book, but it's happened before. Communication is key, and based on past experience, it's good to know if "both" parties have the same feelings for one another. Many times, I've seen the commitment aspect is usually one sided, and those strong feelings aren't communicated with expectations. The other party isn't sometimes even aware that they are "in a relationship." Seriously. Happened to me, when one person tends to see much more than is there.

K

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 7:23:23 AM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:



I'm with OsideGirl on this as being a bit of a red flag for me, for the same reasons she sited.

Assuming, or suggesting all contacts with other men to cease, during a "getting-to-know-you" phase, is expecting too much, as I see it.

=====================================

once again i am going to be accused of being a mean ole man here.......
but EVERY Domme "I" have ever talked to has asked me NOT to talk to any others...and what burns MY ass is i KNOW damned well THEY are talking to several guys at the same time....

just too many double standards and "I" cannot...NOT respect anyone with 2 sets of rules........

wolf


_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 8:20:37 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel

It could be that He is burned out and hurting - not have come across great - but we shouldnt chastise or ridicule someone for their pain, IMO.
Peace and Love

dark~angel: How beautiful. Compassionate. I'm touched by your expression of gentle strength. Thanks..

OK, about RainGod's post: I am viewing what he said as : he meets(RL) and connects with someone and they begin to get involved.

He is looking for a serious, loving D/s relationship and he places his energy there, focusing on her. He wants to recieve the same.

He did say "talking to" but... I get it that he may not mean just chatting, having Dom male friends or to isolate her from the community. I took "talking to" as playing the field.

(Hey guy..come back... What the heck DID you mean?)










< Message edited by Fawne -- 9/11/2005 5:18:06 PM >

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 9:17:40 AM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		I may be wrong, but I interpreted the OP as a comment on the "kid in a candy store" mentality of many people online. I think it's best to focus on one person at a time to determine if that person is right for you. If he or she is not right for you, then you move on. You don't have to stop talking to people. You just have to focus on one potential "romantic" relationship at a time. I think this is the best way for you to connect with the right person. Otherwise, it's too easy to get distracted and never really listen to what any one person is saying. I think it's also very hard to learn much about anyone if you are talking to 10 potential romantic interests at the same time. Talking to friends is an entirely different thing. No one should be restricted from talking to friends.

Tristan

(in reply to Fawne)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 10:09:31 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fawne

OK, about RainGod's post: I am viewing what he said as : he meets(RL) and connects with someone and they begin to get involved.

He is looking for a serious, loving D/s relationship and he places his energy there, focusing on her. He wants to recieve the same.

He did say "talking to" but... I get it that he may not mean chatting, having Dom male friends or to isolate her from the community. I took "talking to" as playing the field.



Directly from him:
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

I am speaking of after we have been talking for a few weeks and there is serious talk developing between us.

Would you like the Dom you are seeing to be carrying on online relationships with five other subbies?


He says online relationships. Anyway, unless he has access to her online accounts and emails, he really doesn't know what her online activities consisted of.

I'm one of those people that takes a long time to make a committment. While I'm "talking" to someone, I'm deciding if I like someone enough to meet. When I meet someone, I'm deciding if I like someone enough to go out on a date with someone. For the first 5 dates or so, I'm deciding if I like someone enough to continue dating them and if I like them enough to play or have sex with them.

I think how you view the situation is based on how much weight you give online activities. If the online activities are something that you feel are important than this is something that will impact you. If you feel that online activities are something that are not important, then it will have very little impact. "Talking" to me is an innocuous activity.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Fawne)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 11:05:55 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline

Hi OsideGirl

Yes, I agree..if it's online, that's different. The guy did mention they lived in same town and had met etc. I have no idea of any more, we are all just going on a few words.

My post was to share my feelings as a female who is romantic and maybe old-fashioned in a strange way.
The guy appears (and yes I am reading into it) to be frustrated by girls he meets not sharing his idealogy.

quote:

For the first 5 dates or so, I'm deciding if I like someone enough to continue dating them and if I like them enough to play or have sex with them.


I wish I had your will power!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 12:28:26 PM   
Dracironsgirl


Posts: 175
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline 		it is amazing to me how so many people misunderstood RainGod's posting and made it into something it's not. geez people, read it again.

_____________________________

~love a Man in control~

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 12:39:14 PM   
LadyofLight


Posts: 60
Status: offline 		I find the same problem exists for Dommes/switches as well. I seem to suffer from the same expectations.

_____________________________

Life is all about ass:
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 12:41:14 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyofLight

I find the same problem exists for Dommes/switches as well. I seem to suffer from the same expectations.

The problem isn't having expectations. The problem is
a) expecting others to share your expectations
b) getting upset with them when they don't

(in reply to LadyofLight)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 12:48:02 PM   
ehlovindom


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Quite frankly, any Dominant that thinks a sub should stop talking to others Doms the moment there's any interaction puts up red flags for me, for a number of reasons. It would give me the impression that you're threatened by other Dominants. Which is trait that I would find undesirable in a Dominant. It would give me the impression that you're trying to mark and control your territory before you have that power. And removing contact with outisde people is a tool that abusers use.


That is what I thought but some of the responses I received to a post about a similar subject surprised me greatly. http://www.collarchat.com/m_145223/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm

I read the RainGod's post similarly to how FTopinMichigan and Fawne reacted to it. I am a bit taken aback at the negativity directed towards the OP.


_____________________________

Know which bridge to build, which one to cross, and which one to burn!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 12:53:06 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

just too many double standards and "I" cannot...NOT respect anyone with 2 sets of rules........

wolf




...but this is power play! Two sets of rules is what it's all about!

I mean, I wouldn't want my partner to follow the rules he sets for me...I mean, he'd look silly with shaved bits for example. Or, why would he stop looking at porn? It pleases him. Why should his setting me one rule mean he has to obey that rule and give up what pleases him.

I have a problem with double standards based on things like gender or sexuality, NOT based on our roles with our partners. I mean, isn't setting up a double standard what we're going for here?


In regards to the OP: There is an individual who messages me from time to time who states that he wants me to be doing NOTHING but talking to him while we're talking. That is, he wants me to cease all other IM converstaions, stop reading webpages etc while we talk. This is someone I've only known off and on on the net.

This OP reminds me a little of that, in that it seems a tad bit unreasonable. I understand what you're saying OP--that you're asking a person you're talking to to not be pursuing someone else. However, I don't think that in a net envoriment this is really pratical.

Untill she/he is yours, I don't think it's a good idea to set rules on him/her. To me, someone setting rules to me before I'd agreed to be theirs makes me feel that he/she isn't quite as secure as he/she'd like to be. Regardless as to the -truth- of this, it is how it reads to me. I doubt you're trying to project this, but I'm expressing how it would come accross.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to lonewolf05)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 3:20:51 PM   
mystictryst


Posts: 125
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think, RainGod, that your expecations aren't unreasonable. I do think that the problem lay with the inability of people to committ to anything. Often, in this age of electric, people are always searching for the "next bit of perfection". I know myself that during my first marriage, I continued to "shop" around because I was sure that sooner or later I would meet the person who was my perfection.

It has been my experience in the time I've been involved with this "lifestyle" that people have a difficult time being involved in "one on one" relationships. BDSM seems to create a sense of a "free for all", meaning that there is often a different sense of dedication.

So, I think your problem is one of the nature of the beast. People want it all and they want it all right now. I think you need to be flexible and ensure that you have the same level of understanding with the person you are requesting not speak to others. If you are working on getting to know someone, and you want it to be exclusive, make sure it is spelled out and he/she feels that same way. It is unreal to lay expecatations on someone if they don't feel the same or you just met.

Personally, if I chatted to someone a few times, and he/she requested that I not chat to anyone else, I probably would say "Ok", but still would chat to others and would pull away from the requester. Often relationships are rushed in this world, just be patient and make sure decisions are mutual and not demanded. No one has any right to demand anything of someone they don't know.

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 5:17:18 PM   
LadyofLight


Posts: 60
Status: offline 		unspoken expectations are a bitch.I state outright from the begining-it's me and only me and visa versa....If I think it is going to be a person under consideration for a potential life partner.
How else can a trusting D/s relationship be built?
I speak of r/t not o/l.

_____________________________

Life is all about ass:
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 5:56:52 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Well, I am glad that most of us are in agreement here!

There are a few times when I request the person I am working with not be out yapping away without my knowing about it---such as with someone I am training on a trial basis. I expect someone who has a "contract" with me to be with ME until our time is up---be friendly, but no flirtations!

When we are out in the world, scene or not, it's a level playing field. I am a dominant, but not EVERYONE'S dominant. (imagine how much WORK that would be! eeeeeeeh)

:)Francine

(in reply to DesertRat)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 6:06:59 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		On the other hand you have myself and my relationships where we are all open and encouraged to go out, talk, date, fuck, play, swim, paint, whatever the heck strikes your fancy with anyone you damn well please.

And we all love support and trust eachother just fine.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/11/2005 7:48:25 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Poly RULES when it works!!

Love your new pic, Emerald!

:)Francine

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/12/2005 9:29:10 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		After seeing the OP's snippy responses degenerate to this:

quote:

I can see I came here to gain insight and got nothing more than a bunch of bullshit from some folks with too much self pride to care about anyone but themselves and their own agendas.
Peace out... besides, this is just online, you dont mean shit.

it seems obvious that gals would have little reason to WANT to focus their attention in his direction.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/12/2005 10:17:55 AM   
frenchpet


Posts: 587
Joined: 8/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

After seeing the OP's snippy responses degenerate to this:

quote:

I can see I came here to gain insight and got nothing more than a bunch of bullshit from some folks with too much self pride to care about anyone but themselves and their own agendas.
Peace out... besides, this is just online, you dont mean shit.

it seems obvious that gals would have little reason to WANT to focus their attention in his direction.

Holy cow ! I missed that one ! Apparently anyone who doesn't agree with him is a piece of shit, that's good to know.
I hope the girl he's talking about will check this thread and learn a bit more about his disposition...

I still don't know if there's anything wrong on your planet with going dancing (or doing something else) with different girls, including when I have a gf. It's a matter of trust imho, and there can't be a serious relationship without trust. I know that most people on this website are prospecting a sex partner, but I seriously hope other kinds of relationships can be built here.

Edit : I understood your sentence happypervert, but it's "snappy", not "snippy", I just found it (learnt a new word). Just in case you or someone else would like to know. (edit : my bad, my dictionaries aren't good enough, thanks Emr)

< Message edited by frenchpet -- 9/12/2005 11:05:47 AM >

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Isn't there Just one Left? - 9/12/2005 10:40:46 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: frenchpetEdit : I understood your sentence happypervert, but it's "snappy", not "snippy", I just found it (learnt a new word). Just in case you or someone else would like to know.

Well both "snippy" or "snappy" could work just as well. Snippy tends to imply a quick jab while snappy is more an active thrust towards something.

(in reply to frenchpet)
Profile   Post #: 40
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