being strong ... holding it together (Full Version)

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softness -> being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 6:40:02 AM)

This isn't a sob story, Its just an example of something that I think might be helpful to some who look at these boards.

Last night at about midnight I got a phone call ... it was from Him, the Man who Masters me but isn't my Master, the man I love who is not my Lover ... I usually get to see Him once a year, this time its been longer, almost 2. He is in the army, and the very short periods of leave He gets are for His family, He is head of the family now, both parenst are dead. His family are everything to him, and  His devotion to them is the thing I love most about Him.

So the phonecall came, He could be with me by 3am, and stay for 3 days ... a rare treat, the longest we have had together in the 8 years He has been in the army. He arrived ... and it was if no time had passed since I last saw Him ... If you look in positive experiences thread I came and posted around 7 am this morning, anything to resist waking Him, because as much as I wanted time with Him, He needed sleep more than I needed Him.When I did finally wake Him we lay and talked, we didn't scene, there were no whips or chains, or nipple clamps, no begging or screaming multiple orgasms, He didn't cane me til I bled. We just lay there talking to eachother. I made Him breakfast and sat at his feet as He ate it ... it was bliss, I thought my heart would burst.

And then His phone rang, His kid sister. Their brother hand't come home, she was worried, she needed Him home right away. Reality intruded as sometimesit does. I could see He was torn, desire to stay with me, need to be with His family.

So I submitted. I saw that in order to best serve Him, I had to make the choice as simple and painless and stress free for Him as possible.  Esse quam videri, I had to be pleasing and not just seem pleasing.

I smiled and helped Him repack His bag, I made Him something for the journey, I waved off His apologies and regrets and told Him not to worry. All the time I knew there wouldn't be another chance to see Him on this stint of leave, this was it, for goodness knows how long. All I wanted was to scream and stamp my feet and cry and beg Him to stay with me, to be a spoiled Princess about it all, to moan and complain and shout "woe is me". Even one of those things would have made Him guilty enough to stay, I have no doubt I would have gotten my way. He even said, I will stay if you ask me to, I just smiled and gave Him His coat. That action caused me more pain than anything He could have physically done to me, it took more for me to move my arm then and give Him His coat than anything He has ever asked of me in play.

When His car pulled out the drive I didn't even make it inside before I was sobbing, He left at 11.30 I have been walking around my house crying for the last two hours, I miss Him so much I feel physically sick, I have already washed the sheets because I dont think  I could cope tonight sleeping surrounded by His smell and not by Him.

About 20 minutes ago I got up and decided to write this, for two reasons

Firstly It will clear my head, writing always does, and in the next 30 or so minutes He will call to say He arrived home safely, He cannot for a second hear that I am this hurt by loosing Him again so quickly. I refuse to add to the stress and worry in His life, that is not why I have been given to Him.

Secondly so much is written on these boards about what it takes to be so and so, how to behave like such and such, what is a True this that or the other. This is especially true of submissives and slave questionning how they should behave in their submission. Very little is ever said about the strength it takes .. the proactive strength I should say rather than the passive.

It got touched on in Charlottes thread about doing things we do not want to do in order to please. I think it needs to be touched on more, how many threads are there about people looking for the perfect dynamic? .. for the lasting happiness? ... dozens every week. I truely believe that as a submissive if you want lasting happiness you have to must have lasting strength.

I have to have the strength to seal the 7 deliriously happy hours I spent with Him last night away from the pain of waving Him off this morning. I have to have the strength to be bright and supprtive for Him when He calls later. I have to have the strength not to let disappointment turn to resentment and let burn away the very fragile connection we are able to maintain when He is away.

A common phrase we hear is that submission is about surrender, and yes it is. It's also about not surrendering, about holding on strong.



batshalom -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 6:45:49 AM)

You should also be asking yourself if it is healthy for you. Self-care is as important as being pleasing.



softness -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 6:50:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

You should also be asking yourself if it is healthy for you. Self-care is as important as being pleasing.


Just to clairfy, I dont spend my days waiting for Him to call, I have other interests, other partners, both serious and casual, a full and busy life inclduing a demanding and consuming career.  This pain will pass, but because I have been pleasing .. the relationship will continue .. and yes self care is important, please have no concerns for me there.



liminalRapture -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 7:23:52 AM)

Wow--I think that is a very powerful way of holding your persona together in a strong way.  When I do it, it isn't so noble--it is more about being scared to let the person see I'm vulnerable, let the person know how much they've hurt me, self protection, not service.  (For me, and I've never been in a situation like you described, where I think you acted very nobly, my inherent tendancy is to keep my walls up and to play the part of someone who is strong, and the process of surrender is about letting go of that facade.)



chamberqueen -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 7:49:11 AM)

My heart goes out to you.  I was engaged to a man in the Army, and his Mistress.  Almost all of our play was online.  It was hard to know that he had to obey the Army before me, but I certainly couldn't discipline him for that.  We were engaged almost a year before he died in Iraq. 

Whether as sub or Domme, we do what we have to do to help our loved one cope with their vanilla life.  Believe me, it isn't just subs that make sacrifices.  However, if we care enough for someone to make a true sacrifice for them then you end up a better person for it, and if they are worthy they love you more.

Treat yourself, sweetie.  Take a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine and your favorite music.  Try to remember every second of His visit and cherish it.  I've found that for every sacrifice I have made an unexpected blessing follows.  I have no doubt that you will find the same.



RedMagic1 -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 7:49:56 AM)

Women regularly complain that men are "not emotionally available."  I know that if had just spent the night with a woman I loved, and I asked her to give me a reason to stay with her instead of my family, and she didn't give me one, I would feel let down.  I would feel as though she did not share the emotions I had for her, that she did not want me to make her a priority even though it was what I wanted.

What you wrote is beautiful, and moving.  But if you ever wonder why men complain that women don't just spit things out and expect us to read their minds, remember this post.  He would have preferred to stay, but out of respect for you, allowed you to make the decision.  With the best of intentions, you allowed your supersubbliness to thwart his attempt at a deeper emotional connection.  My advice: take off the cape and tights and tell him how you really feel.  Complicate his life.  Anything less is a disservice.

Please feel free to hate my motherfucking guts.



xxblushesxx -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 7:56:26 AM)

This is an interesting point.
I think often that submissives are being submissive without their Master knowing, because if they did know, it would make it hard on them...
I know the above sentence is fubarred.
What I mean is, often, I will submit, and do what He wants, or what is best for Him, even though He has given me the choice and/or the power to do something more selfish.
Nice post, Softness, and I'm sorry about what happened. Life does get in the way sometimes.

~Christina



softness -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 7:57:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Please feel free to hate my motherfucking guts.



smiles .. never Red .. you talk too much sense

(though the bit about cape and tights .. ouch .. do i really come across as a subbier than thou type? ... note to self .. stop doing that)

I could never have kept Him here using guilt, and I know Him well enough to know His family is the priority and not me. That doesn't hurt me at all, had the situation reversed I doubt I would have behaved any differently. He asked me because He wanted to know I was ok with the decision He had already made. I gave Him that validation so that I was one less worry,

and besides ... I never said He loved me, only that I loved Him, ... pathetic, but true



Kana -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 8:15:15 AM)

That is an awesome post.
The cost of love, the price that is paid, and the joy that comes from the intersection of two who share together.
Its is sad and triumphant
Wonderful.
You have captured much of the heart of submission very succinctly.



kyraofMists -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 9:01:05 AM)

~ Fast Reply 

I do not see the scenario in the OP as being about submission.  Not being overly dramatic and manipulative is evidence of being a mature adult and not of submission.  I also think there is a difference between being strong and hiding emotions.  When he and I were long distance we both had plenty of practice at expressing our disappointment, regret, pain, etc. in a mature, healthy way.  We did not part without knowing how the other felt about having to leave, but we also did not resort to guilt trips or manipulation to get either one to stay.  It wasn't about submission; it was about managing our emotions in healthy constructive ways.

softness, I am glad that you were able to handle a difficult situation in a manner that you could take pride in. 

Knight's Kyra



BloodLuna -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 9:01:22 AM)

softness
 
luna teared up as she read your post.  luna has been with her Master for over 2 years now.  We've lived together for all of those 2 years and the longest luna has to let him go is for his 13 hour work days.  luna has struggled with her submission and sometimes has had to fake her way through things when she wanted nothing more than to stamp her feet and just not deal.  your post humbled luna, and caused her to really stop and think about your signature phrase "Esse quam videri"  and your comment about proactive strength as opposed to passive.  thank you for being strong enough to share.  luna still has to learn how to "be rather than seem" and this gave her a good start.
 
luna
slave of Masterdruid666
House of Pendragon



softness -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 9:15:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

~ Fast Reply 

I do not see the scenario in the OP as being about submission.  Not being overly dramatic and manipulative is evidence of being a mature adult and not of submission.  I also think there is a difference between being strong and hiding emotions.  When he and I were long distance we both had plenty of practice at expressing our disappointment, regret, pain, etc. in a mature, healthy way.  We did not part without knowing how the other felt about having to leave, but we also did not resort to guilt trips or manipulation to get either one to stay.  It wasn't about submission; it was about managing our emotions in healthy constructive ways.

softness, I am glad that you were able to handle a difficult situation in a manner that you could take pride in. 

Knight's Kyra


I undertsand why you don't see it as submission, but for me and how I view my own submission it really is, putting aside my short term wants and desires to better serve the long term needs of the dynamic.

Thankyou for your reply Kyra



suessub -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 9:17:46 AM)

softness,

Let me first say "that sucks". Let's never pretend sad things are not sad. But sounds like you understand that. why you wrote your post.

Secondly, and this is coming from a submissive, your decision to send your friend on to his family where he is needed does not sound like an act of submission. It sounds better than that. It sounds like an act sourced from a true and deep love, compassion, for a real friend. Assuming we are not talking about crazy families, true friends understand how when a loved one is needed by their family, they need to go. It is usually a bad idea to make someone dear to us choose between family and friends. What if there is truly a problem with his brother? Can you imagine the damage that would be done to your relationship if he was not there but with you because you insisted? That kind of resentment can build and ruin what sounds like a special and rare friendship.

You are strong and hold on. Time will march on and again you will be sitting at his feet serving him breakfast.

Many moons ago, when we were only vanilla, my wife took a two year appointment halfway around the world. I would help her pack her bags and take her to the airport and see her to her plane. I knew if I asked her to decline the appointment and stay, she would have. And as the years unfurled around us, she would have always wondered if her career would have been better if she had gone. But now, she knows how deep I love her, for I was willing to not make her choose between her dreams for her career and her dreams for us. Now she has a job she loves and we have a relationship we never dreamed we could have. Regardless of the bdsm dimension, we show our true love and selflessness when our loved ones needs are elsewhere and we do not cling. Love lets go.

Lastly, hang tough, take a nice bath, spend time with friends and cry on our shoulders.



softness -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 9:19:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

luna has struggled with her submission and sometimes has had to fake her way through things when she wanted nothing more than to stamp her feet and just not deal. 
 


thats the bite alright ... making the voice inside match the action outside ... and I am still faking it .. or  wouldn't have spent all afternoon viciously cleaning things with more than the necessary degree of brutality



AquaticSub -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 9:48:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Please feel free to hate my motherfucking guts.



smiles .. never Red .. you talk too much sense

(though the bit about cape and tights .. ouch .. do i really come across as a subbier than thou type? ... note to self .. stop doing that)

I could never have kept Him here using guilt, and I know Him well enough to know His family is the priority and not me. That doesn't hurt me at all, had the situation reversed I doubt I would have behaved any differently. He asked me because He wanted to know I was ok with the decision He had already made. I gave Him that validation so that I was one less worry,

and besides ... I never said He loved me, only that I loved Him, ... pathetic, but true


How is telling him that you would prefer him to stay using guilt? Guilt would be going "But you are never here and I never get to see you and you always put them first and I just want to feel special to you!" and then crying like a kicked puppy. You can be honest and not guilt him. "Well, I would prefer that you stay but I understand why you have to leave. What would you like me to make you for your trip?"

My personal experience is that sometimes men - even dominant masterly men - want to be told that we want them around.



breatheasone -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 10:04:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Please feel free to hate my motherfucking guts.



smiles .. never Red .. you talk too much sense

(though the bit about cape and tights .. ouch .. do i really come across as a subbier than thou type? ... note to self .. stop doing that)

I could never have kept Him here using guilt, and I know Him well enough to know His family is the priority and not me. That doesn't hurt me at all, had the situation reversed I doubt I would have behaved any differently. He asked me because He wanted to know I was ok with the decision He had already made. I gave Him that validation so that I was one less worry,

and besides ... I never said He loved me, only that I loved Him, ... pathetic, but true


How is telling him that you would prefer him to stay using guilt? Guilt would be going "But you are never here and I never get to see you and you always put them first and I just want to feel special to you!" and then crying like a kicked puppy. You can be honest and not guilt him. "Well, I would prefer that you stay but I understand why you have to leave. What would you like me to make you for your trip?"

My personal experience is that sometimes men - even dominant masterly men - want to be told that we want them around.

I 200% agree with this...there is a HUGE difference between being a strong sub.....and being the martyr



softness -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 10:23:07 AM)

How is telling him that you would prefer him to stay using guilt? Guilt would be going "But you are never here and I never get to see you and you always put them first and I just want to feel special to you!" and then crying like a kicked puppy. You can be honest and not guilt him. "Well, I would prefer that you stay but I understand why you have to leave. What would you like me to make you for your trip?"

My personal experience is that sometimes men - even dominant masterly men - want to be told that we want them around.

I 200% agree with this...there is a HUGE difference between being a strong sub.....and being the martyr



We have known eachther since we were children, I know that even if I had used the exact words as suggested by Aqua, he would have felt guilted into staying, he already felt bad enough, I wasn't going to add to that. I dont think that is being a martyr, I think that is making a tough decision with an unpleasant but necessary result.

I didn't post this to gain Subbie points to trade in at the shop, or win acclaim as a martyr. I wanted to give an example of difficulties we face when we devote ourselve to anothers happiness, the unpleasantness of what we sometimes need to do, its something that is in the air on the boards at the moment and I thought this would be a positive contribution.





kyraofMists -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 11:28:30 AM)

My pleasure, softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
putting aside my short term wants and desires to better serve the long term needs of the dynamic.


My Lord does this all the time in our relationship.  He puts his immediate wants and desires aside to better serve the needs of our relationship.  I don't think anyone who knows him would consider him to be submissive.  This is not just an act performed by a submissive.  It is the act of someone involved in a relationship.

Knight's Kyra



BloodLuna -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 11:29:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

luna has struggled with her submission and sometimes has had to fake her way through things when she wanted nothing more than to stamp her feet and just not deal. 
 


thats the bite alright ... making the voice inside match the action outside ... and I am still faking it .. or  wouldn't have spent all afternoon viciously cleaning things with more than the necessary degree of brutality


luna thinks you need to give yourself more credit.  you've shown no passive agressive behavior, no resentment, and no pouting about the situation.  "to be, not to seem" doesnt (IMHO) suggest that we cannot hurt when we are/do what we claim/promise, only that we do what we promise -  not fake our way through it and act out resentfully the whole time.  you may be faking that you are happy with your choice - you are hurting and it is understandable.  but you did not fake your submission, your loyalty, your love.  that was real, and as you stated proactive.  (luna hopes this makes sense)

luna
slave of Masterdruid666



xxblushesxx -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/12/2008 11:38:00 AM)

When I told HoneyMaster about this, He totally understood.
Every time I try to explain myself regarding this issue, I end up with long convoluted sentences.
I think it is because it is very complicated.
It has to do with giving of yourself, privately, and without expecting recognition or reward.

~Christina



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