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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 4:44:41 PM

MadRabbit

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Joined: 8/9/2006
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FR

Oh yes, the King is back, baby! Just when I thought these boards were getting boring.

Now I can sit back and laugh as, once again, the same old threads begin to appear, subtlely soliciting his dead wife and kid all over Collarme.com in an attempt to get some pity pussy.

Thoughts, Bob? Sure, I have some thoughts. Your constant need to interject your "grief" into every other word in this pathetic attempt to live out this tragedy of yours in this public manor is nothing short of disqusting and despicable. I would say putting your baggage on another person in a relationship is only slightly worse than how you choose to cope right now by screaming about it every 5 seconds to Internet strangers in an attempt to posture yourself as this morally superior, divine, Twue Master.

That, of course, is IF any of this true, which for your sake, I choose not to beleive it is. I can't really fathom the lack of integrity it takes to whore out the memory of a dead wife and son so you can get your profile perved by potential slaves looking to "heal" you.

I would quit while your ahead, because you can only keep up this facade for so long before your real character starts to trickle through like on that last profile that you were forced to delete when your bullshit came full circle.

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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 4:45:33 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed

[
With respect, for some kinds of grief, there is no such animal.

I lost my father when I was a boy. I have grieved the loss for forty years.

Some people cannot be replaced, nor should they be. The idea that we can stitch up the hole their absence has created as if it never existed is not realistic, as that hole leads straight to our heart.

Bull. My mother has been gone for nearly 20 years. I miss her, but I don't spend every day crying because she's dead. Did I watch the Superbowl thinking I wish I could be watching this with her? You bet. But her absence did not stop me from cheering on the home team.

She was the most vibrant and vital person I've ever known. I would dishonor what she had taught me if I lived my life in constant sadness.

If you insist on ripping open healing wounds to ensure they do not heal, then that's not love, that's just sick. If your loved ones taught you this, demanded you do this, then you demonstrate your inability to change unhealthy dysfunctional family techniques and your inability to choose healthier ways of interacting.

If I found a suspicious lump in my breast, I wouldn't hang it all up and wait to die. I'd get to the best oncologist I could find immediately. If I got audited by the IRS, I wouldn't show up alone, I'd have a top notch accountant and tax attorney at my side. And if I found myself unable to love because of loss, I'd find myself the best and most compatible grief therapist around. Which I did. Because to do any less would be to lie down and give up, and that is not the message my mother taught me, nor is it the message I wish to pass on.

If I had done that, my daughter wouldn't be the first sufferer of her condition to ever graduate high school. She wouldn't be thriving in one of the nation's top colleges. And she certainly wouldn't be in the top 100 nationally in her sport, instead of being unable to even tolerate the competition of Special Olympics. If I had subscribed to Bob's pov, she'd be warehoused in a state psych hospital, Thorizined to the gills.

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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 5:08:45 PM

TheBanshee

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I think most of the other posts covered everything - there isn't any right answer to how and why to grieve. Just sending a hug your way.

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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 5:08:53 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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I'm still sad for the beaver.

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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 5:36:10 PM

CalifChick

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Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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I'm still thinking of pity fucks and uhhh, the mad bunny dude.

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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 9:21:47 PM

Hippiekinkster

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Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Your premise blows. IYou are telling me that I can't feel good about my self or recover from greif till some one new loves me? Or till I love someone new?
That is a huge pile of shit

Jeff

I don't get that from him at all. It's not about feeling good about one's self, it's about getting past the feelings of loss and/or abandonment enough so that one remembers that one is worthy of being loved.

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RE: Grief - 2/20/2008 9:32:15 PM

Hippiekinkster

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Sorry, that's just wrong. That's using someone else to help you heal without telling them in advance and giving them the opportunity to know what they're risking. Or do you really say "BTW my wife died and I just want you for a rebound relationship short term since the odds are that the person I like now isn't the same kind of person I'll be compatible with once I can stand on my own feet again and stop using you for a crutch?". Now, if you're honest about it and they are willing to risk it, fine. But I bet anything you aren't honest about it.

I think that in every healthy relationship there is healing of the past as a by-product.
In every meaningful relationship there will be some amount of spillage.
It is how we deal with it that fosters growth...if we are able to be open and responsive to it.

I could not agree with you more. I don't think any of us completely heal from traumatic experiences, whether it be a death or a divorce or abandonment (such as occured in my life at the age of 2). A healthy relationship will reinforce the sense of love-worthiness that we all possess, and mitigate those feelings that resulted from the trauma. IMO, of course. (I have given this whole subject about 6 months of thought recently)

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RE: Grief - 2/21/2008 2:25:27 AM

Loveisallyouneed

Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

I think that in every healthy relationship there is healing of the past as a by-product.
In every meaningful relationship there will be some amount of spillage.
It is how we deal with it that fosters growth...if we are able to be open and responsive to it.

I could not agree with you more. I don't think any of us completely heal from traumatic experiences, whether it be a death or a divorce or abandonment (such as occured in my life at the age of 2). A healthy relationship will reinforce the sense of love-worthiness that we all possess, and mitigate those feelings that resulted from the trauma. IMO, of course. (I have given this whole subject about 6 months of thought recently)

And I agree with both of you, providing the individual in question is willing and ready to address the issues that have arisen from his/her trauma.

But that is not always the case: either the pain runs too deep or the fear of trust is too great, or both.

In which case they bounce from relationship to relationship, trying to control everything to avoid the circumstances under which their dysfunctional behaviour will manifest.

Avoiding situations that require love, trust, intimacy, committment, love, anything that makes them feel vulnerable. A lady I dated went from claiming to be "slave" (with a full panoply of bdsm interests) to "submissive" to "vanilla" with no bdsm interests inside a week to avoid feeling vulnerable.

While her words said "come closer, I love you" her deeds said "get away from me, I don't want anyone".

For some, the trauma runs too deep.

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RE: Grief - 2/24/2008 10:47:02 AM

sblady

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I've not read all the posts, but I wanted to comment.

I'm grieving the loss of my little brother...yes, he was 33 years old, but he was "my" little brother. There is a 9 year age difference between us, but for the first time I had someone I could boss around and coddle, tutor, mentor, etc. (I have 15 older siblings). I hate to say he was my favorite, but he was the one that I shared most things with. I cannot remember ever having a disagreement that lasted longer than the end of our conversation. I knew my love for him was very strong, however, I didn't realize the extent until he was taken away suddenly. No warning signs, nothing. Out of the blue. I truly thought I was going to just die with grief and if one of my brothers hadn't brought meds as quickly as he did for me, I think my heart would have just given out.

My brother passed last month and while I'm on medication, I know that I cannot stay on meds long term as I've recently gone back to work and cannot do an acceptable job if I take the required amount. Going back to work has helped tremendously.

For the first couple of weeks, I totally isolated myself. Barely left the house, etc. I knew it wasn't healthy, but it was the only way I could cope. He had a special relationship with all my siblings, so, whenever I saw any of them, I'd have to try to keep it together. I decided that it was best to just stay away from my family for a while.

There have been a couple of days where I haven't cried and have been able to "fake and bully" my way through the day. At times, I think it's the meds, at times I think I may be on my way to healing. Then I have a set-back. My company has grief support services and I plan to take advantage of them.

I said all that to say: everyone grieves differently. I'm not sure you can place a time limit on grief. I do know that I try to concentrate on the times we've shared, but then I get sad because I think of the things we'll never share.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop now as I still have a long way to go. I doubt if my words have helped anyone, but I will admit the fact that I was able to respond without crying (and I haven't yet taken any meds today) may mean that I'm on the road to acceptance.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all that who grieving.

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Post #: 129