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solia -> RE: What is it? (2/24/2008 12:31:26 AM)
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To answer some of your questions:
1. ‘What is it about some girls (or guys) that allow those fuckers in their lives?’
If an abuser identified themselves as such from the beginning, no one would date/fuck /marry them. So the abuser hides who they really are until they have what they want. Then the slow process of convincing the abusee (I won't use the word victim) that any problem in the world is the abusee's fault begins. The alientation from friends, family and the general public is worked in there in a way to seem as though the abuser is wiser, stronger and looking out for the abusee's interests. Then one day, the abuser thinks they've done all of the psychological damage they can do and gained all of the psychological control (‘trust’) that they need. Then the physical abuse starts. The threats start. This is not a quick process. It can take years to develop. It’s one process if the abusee is childless, another if children are present. The process can be very subtle and masked by signs of loving concern. For example, “Oh, did you forget that I told you that? It’s okay, I went ahead and took care of that for you because I saw that you were busy.” This to cover up the fact that nothing ever was really said in the first place ... but doubt was planted. The abusee begins to think: ‘maybe I was too busy to listen. Maybe you really did tell me …I’m so sorry, it’s my fault that you had to go out of your way to do that for me. Thanks! You’re so wonderful to help me out!’
2. ‘Why do they take the shit?’
Sometimes, the abusee knows it’s a bad situation. But they also know, intuitively that it has to be the abuser’s decision to leave the relationship if they are to survive. Again, if kids are involved, the playing field changes.
3. ‘Why don't they stand up and demand better?’
It’s easier to do this in the beginning. If a person has been educated in the signs of abuse before it happens, they can recognize it for what it is and get out before too much power exchange has taken place. Later, after the psychological damage has been done and the self esteem has been stripped away and the only world the abuser has allowed the abusee to see is the one the abuser paints, what’s better?
4. ‘Is it some pathological need (which it surely can't be, cos it needs to be a "fixable" answer)?’
It could be if the abusee grew up with an abusive situation (family, bullies at school or church) it may be all that the abusee knows having not seen an example of a non abusive family. Kind of like, if you grew up with parents who were drug addicts, you’d feel more comfortable around other drug addicts rather than non drug addicts. You’d know how drug addicts behave and think and you’d know how to respond. There are some who grow up in perfectly loving families who are just wired to feel the need to be humiliated (look around a dungeon sometime) but don’t know the difference between abuse and humiliation.
5. ‘Is it low self esteem? Lack of confidence?’
I’ll answer these together. If the person grew up with an abusive situation, could be. Perhaps the person had a parent who told them they weren’t wanted, they were rejected from birth. What reason do they have to love themselves? Whose around to tell them that it’s okay to love themselves? Shoot, to be liked would even be a better alternative.
6. ‘So if not every woman in the world is in one, and some have never been in one.. than they have something in them that prevents falling into an abusive relationship. Is it confidence? Confidence to expect better? Expect more? Confidence to know the difference? To expect to be treated a certian way and when that way isn't there, they just ditch the fucker?’
I think it comes back to an example of a healthy vs non healthy relationships. Also, as far as most women go, look what they’re taught: be beautiful, attract a man, support him no matter what. I think the women who reject that either saw or were taught something different. Again, abusers don’t introduce themselves as an abuser. They wine and dine and roll out the red carpet. The abuser makes the abusee feel incredibly special ~ the only person in the world who matters. The abusee is wooed. Absolutely, women and men expect better. They’re even shown better, for awhile, until the abuser thinks it’s time to reveal their true nature, once they believe they’ve made the catch.
7. ‘I also know that those fuckers look, even if subconsciously for that type of girl. The ones they know they can snag and ensare, that will take their shit, take their abuse, and not kick them to the curb. What do they look for? Stupidity? Low self esteem? Some need that, needs to be fullfilled, and as long as that need is there and is being fullfilled, they'll take the shit? Is it lack of confidence and need?’
Yes, there is a certain ‘scent’ about an easily affected girl/boy. Usually a people pleaser personality or a self effacing one. Stupidity doesn’t so much play a part. Intelligence is often a challenge for the abuser to tear down. Again, lack of education of what an abuser is /does plays a big part. Ever hear the phrase, ‘you just can’t help who you love?’ Ever been in a relationship that you knew just wasn’t going anywhere but you stayed anyway? Why did you?
8. ‘Basically..... what is it? What allows this stuff to happen?’
Again, it doesn’t happen overnight. Just as good long lasting love doesn’t. It’s a slow process that’s introduced little by little in small psychological ways until the abuser has ‘the catch’ then the physical abuse starts.
I would tell you my story, but my abuser continues to stalk me. How did I get out of the relationship? I made sure that it was his choice. In his twisted mind, I would have been the bad person and deserving of punishment (death to me or to my child ~ which was his stated preference) if I ended the relationship. But since he was the ‘smarter, wiser one’, the decision being his was the right decision. Makes no sense, but that’s how abusers twist things for them to be able to accept it.
Years later, my child and I discussed this. My child didn’t know what was happening at the time, didn’t know they’d been used in the process. I was angry with him for bringing his bullshit into my house, into my life and exposing my child to it. His needs and actions had nothing to do with me. He had some really bad issues with his mom ~ but they were HIS issues and he had no right to reflect them onto me. It gave me the opportunity to educate my child... show that ending a bad relationship and succeeding afterward was absolutely possible.
Bottom line: Abuse is one sided ~ on the abuser's side. The abusee does not ask for it. It's non consensual. And no, staying does not imply consent.
What to do? EDUCATE. Educate yourself. Educate your friends. Educate your children. Even if you have a loving relationship ~ educate. If you know someone in an abusive relationship, be supportive and be ready to help by getting them to safety. Give, don't loan, them some money to get started over. Encourage them to look in the mirror every day and remind themselves of who they really are. Let them cry on your shoulder (wipe snot if they have to, it’ll wash), tell them they are smart, it’s not their fault, they can get out and survive ... and survive well. Be absolutely non judgmental. You don’t live within those walls. You simply do not know. Mine was loved by everybody. I told them to go live with him.
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