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most ppl that fall into that victim status were abused as kids plain and simple.

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ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships, specifically how others end up in bad relationships, specifically abusive relationships.  What is it about some girls (or guys) that allow those fuckers in their lives?  Why do they take the shit?  Why don't they stand up and demand better?  Is it some pathological need (which it surely can't be, cos it needs to be a "fixable" answer)? Is it low self esteem?  Lack of confidence?  Because I know not every woman in the world is in an abusive relationship.  I also know there are tons of those fuckers out there - so its not that there is a lack of fuckers for women to fall prey too.  So if not every woman in the world is in one, and some have never been in one.. than they have something in them that prevents falling into an abusive relationship.  Is it confidence?  Confidence to expect better?  Expect more?  Confidence to know the difference?  To expect to be treated a certian way and when that way isn't there, they just ditch the fucker? 

I also know that those fuckers look, even if subconsciously for that type of girl.  The ones they know they can snag and ensare, that will take their shit, take their abuse, and not kick them to the curb.  What do they look for?  Stupidity?  Low self esteem? Some need that, needs to be fullfilled, and as long as that need is there and is being fullfilled, they'll take the shit?  Is it lack of confidence and need?

Basically..... what is it?  What allows this stuff to happen?

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ORIGINAL: TracyTaken

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victim=never at fault...victim=the one being abused...victims that cant stop or do not want to stop the abuse...have reasons (and many other reasons) like i mentioned above to not able to stop.
it is still never their fault.

The problem with that is if a victim cannot (or will not) see the part she played in getting into and maintaining an abusive relationship, nothing ever changes for her.

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ORIGINAL: BlackPhx

...

Here is the education list from National Domestic Violence Hotline 
...

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ORIGINAL: BlackPhx

Then here is the rest of the story. WIITWD is a hairsbreath in many cases from the warning signs of Abuse. That we enter into it consentualy and happily does not change that fact. That BDSM relationships can turn abusive is also a possibilty. One I have lived. As I have said before, what he did to me, I asked for, my kids didn't, when he began to abuse the kids I got out. It wasn't easy, it was extremely dangerous for me and the kids and twice he tried to break into the apartment I got after leaving, Once with a threat to kidnap the kids while I was at work and a babysitter was with them, the second time, dislocated my jaw and broke several bones.

Here is the education list from National Domestic Violence Hotline Pay particular attention to the section on A Sexual Abusive Relationship and please tell me it does not contain all the things many of us do on a regular basis.
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

• Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
  
• Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
  
• Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
  
• Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
  
• Does not want you to work.
  
• Controls finances or refuses to share money.
  
• Punishes you by withholding affection.
  
• Expects you to ask permission.
  
• Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
  
• Humiliates you in any way.

You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:

• Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
  
• Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
  
• Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
  
• Scared you by driving recklessly.
  
• Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
  
• Forced you to leave your home.
  
• Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
  
• Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
  
• Hurt your children.
  
• Used physical force in sexual situations.

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:

• Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
  
• Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
  
• Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
  
• Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
  
• Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
  
• Held you down during sex.
  
• Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
  
• Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
  
• Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
  
• Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

poenkitten (been there, done that, wrote the t-shirt that went to Washington)

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Abuse, like rape, is a robbery. It robs one of the very attributes that would get a person out of the abuse. When there is no physical violence, its almost impossible to see the abuse until the robbery is complete.

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i suppose a mugging victim should have stayed home, not carried a wallet, wore less expensive clothing, and should see the role they played in being robbed in the first place.

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ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It doesn't always start out to badly. Sociopaths are very charming and manipulative. The masks don't come off until much later on. That does not neccesarily mean the victim is stupid, only that they were duped.

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ORIGINAL: TracyTaken

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Abuse, like rape, is a robbery. It robs one of the very attributes that would get a person out of the abuse. When there is no physical violence, its almost impossible to see the abuse until the robbery is complete.

What exactly does that looking like in domestic violence?  When is it "complete"?  When somebody leaves?

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i suppose a mugging victim should have stayed home, not carried a wallet, wore less expensive clothing, and should see the role they played in being robbed in the first place.

Don't reduce to utter bullshit please, and do not try to make me out to be a bad guy.  I'm sure I've filed more motions for restraining orders for people than you are years old.  I suppose I see a big difference between being the victim of a one time act of random criminality and intentionally staying in an abusive relationship, which does take intention, and work, and keeping lots of secrets, and acting as if, etc.  It also requires something in the one abused that if not addressed, will not change.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Family of origin stuff, almost always.

See if you come from a family where the male role model is emotionally absent, or physically absent, then you go looking for someone who will love you in the same way, by not being there for you. And you feel that if your own male parent couldn't love you, then you don't deserve love. And you prove it by finding someone who also doesn't love you. At the same time, you're so desperate for love that you take any connection believing that is love. Better bad breath than no breath at all.

Plus in people who have cravings for pain, it's easy to accept poor treatment because it appears to be satisfying the pain drive. Unfortunately it does so in a way without consent and in a bad way.

It takes a lot of self knowledge and usually some professional help to get it all straightened out. And in this world or the vanilla, there are a lot of people, male and female, who never do get it straightened out. BTW, if you suffer from sexual abuse at a tender age, especially repeated and from those who ought to be protecting you, long term treatment with others who also suffered is necessary if you want to ever get your life together.

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ORIGINAL: TysGalilah
it is my belief that the level of health and happiness in the relationships we find and make , will be alligned with the amt and level of emotional health and balance one has found/developed for themselves.

healthy attracts and finds healthy
unhealthy attracts and finds unhealthy.

its just easier to point the finger of blame outward, than it is to look inward to find our answers to unhappiness and abuse.

it has been said>
we teach people how to treat us.

::putting on flame-retardant suit now ::

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ORIGINAL: angelic

I stayed in this relationship for 5 years, I consented.  I could have left and did not. 

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ORIGINAL: eyesopened

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ORIGINAL: TracyTaken

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victim=never at fault...victim=the one being abused...victims that cant stop or do not want to stop the abuse...have reasons (and many other reasons) like i mentioned above to not able to stop.
it is still never their fault.

The problem with that is if a victim cannot (or will not) see the part she played in getting into and maintaining an abusive relationship, nothing ever changes for her.

Abuse, like rape, is a robbery.  It robs one of the very attributes that would get a person out of the abuse.  When there is no physical violence, its almost impossible to see the abuse until the robbery is complete.

i suppose a mugging victim should have stayed home, not carried a wallet, wore less expensive clothing, and should see the role they played in being robbed in the first place.

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ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl
yes and its the persons fault who was raped because she's too pretty and went out alone at night not knowing someone was waiting for her to jump her and poof it all begins.  the victim is innocent. 

should the victim go to jail then if they are at fault? and the abuser goes free?while the victim is traumatized for life...and the abuser is just laughing and goes off to do another one.

nobody just let's things happen.  they just dont have control over what is happening and cant stop it from happening.