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RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 3:57:05 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub


i am probably going to regret making this reply, but i had to address the sentiment stated here. i have been abused in a variety of manner, however because i CHOSE to deal with the results of those abuses and didn't look for someone else to "fix" me, what i have to present to potential Dominants is a mostly whole (i don't believe anyone can ever claim to be totally whole, but that's just my opinion) and emotionally stable submissive who is not hindered in her ability to trust that Dominant.


The points that many have tried to make are covered in both of the preceding paragraphs. A.) Someone who has been abused needs to heal and not carry the effects of that abuse into future relationships otherwise that abuse will affect his or her ability to trust and form a healthy new relationship. B.) No one can heal someone else; it must be done by the individual who needs healing and others around them can only offer support while the person himself or herself does the work of healing. And C.) If a person keeps attracting the same type over and over again, the first place that person needs to look is at the man in the mirror.

heartfeltsub

*edited to fix a typo


Thank you for this. I'm an abuse survivor and it took me a very long time to finally understand that it was up to me to take time and heal; and to work on me. No one else could do it for me.

Today I am a much stronger and more confident person than I ever was before. When I'm ready for a relationship again, I'll go into it from a much different footing than in previous ones and as a stronger individual. I'll bring more good things to the relationship rather than an overload of baggage from the past (not saying I don't have baggage mind you, just much less and more control of what there is of it).

edited to add that the bolding and red color were added by me for emphasis.

< Message edited by SassySarijane -- 2/25/2008 4:23:43 PM >

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(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:05:07 PM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I'm an abuse survivor and it took me a very long time to finally understand that it was up to me to take time and heal; and to and work on me. No one else could do it for me.


During the time it took you to realize this, did you become involved with anyone in a relationship? If not, did you try to become involved with anyone?

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:12:30 PM   
bislaveforuse


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/19/2008
From: Ohio
Status: offline 		Certainly this slave's advice would be...knowing how much i have struggled in the past with previous issues,Master ALWAYS listens and takes into account on what was said.Communication is KEY to understanding the slave/submissive and same goes for the Master.WITHOUT communication something lacks,talk and eventually the struggle issue will get resolved in one way or the other.

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:21:12 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		Oh yes. I was involved in relationships during that time. One was more abuse and one was a casual thing....friends with benefits...lasted a few months and we can still run into each other at a store, etc. and chat briefly and catch up. None of them were fulfilling, always something missing. After turning down several who wanted involvement, but reminded me too much of the ex, I simply stopped attempting to get into relationships or even looking and started focusing on myself and my family.

I knew I needed to heal and work on me to do better for my children and then in time, if/when I felt ready, take a chance on a relationship again. Somewhat ironically, it was during this time of no involvement that I found bdsm and began to research and learn and finally between 2 n 3 years ago, began to explore in my local groups. Learning the difference between consentual and nonconsentual hitting and pain was another step in my healing process.

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Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:23:51 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

Oh yes. I was involved in relationships during that time. One was more abuse and one was a casual thing....friends with benefits...lasted a few months and we can still run into each other at a store, etc. and chat briefly and catch up. None of them were fulfilling, always something missing. After turning down several who wanted involvement, but reminded me too much of the ex, I simply stopped attempting to get into relationships or even looking and started focusing on myself and my family.

I knew I needed to heal and work on me to do better for my children and then in time, if/when I felt ready, take a chance on a relationship again. Somewhat ironically, it was during this time of no involvement that I found bdsm and began to research and learn and finally between 2 n 3 years ago, began to explore in my local groups. Learning the difference between consentual and nonconsentual hitting and pain was another step in my healing process.

Learning that difference is a big big step for many many of us on both sides of the flogger


_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:26:05 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		Yes it really is. It really opened things up a lot for me and put things in perspective when I finally learned that, MissHarlet.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
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(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:29:46 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Once  you truly make that connection of the difference .. you get that aha! moment and in my opinion true healing is present

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:32:32 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		It honestly felt in that "aha moment" that something let go in me, almost like being set free from imprisonment. Definitely a feeling of freedom.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:36:36 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Im sure it was ... and that allows you to be free and to have opened space for a relationship that will be healthy ...

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:40:04 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		I believe that as well. I'm not ready yet though, still taking care of some things for my family that I feel have a much higher priority right now. It's enough for me to understand that I can have a healthy relationship. I don't need to go looking for it just yet.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:46:26 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Yeaaaaa You !!! This I think is just what the OP was talking about .. in his own way ... you are doing your struggle on your own .. come thru to a healthy spot and Knowing you will be ready when you are !!!

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 4:56:49 PM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bislaveforuse

Certainly this slave's advice would be...knowing how much i have struggled in the past with previous issues,Master ALWAYS listens and takes into account on what was said.Communication is KEY to understanding the slave/submissive and same goes for the Master.WITHOUT communication something lacks,talk and eventually the struggle issue will get resolved in one way or the other.


Thank you.

I mentioned communication earlier.

I very much appreciate your pov.

A refusal to communicate on either side is a very bad sign.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to bislaveforuse)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 5:01:13 PM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I believe that as well. I'm not ready yet though, still taking care of some things for my family that I feel have a much higher priority right now. It's enough for me to understand that I can have a healthy relationship. I don't need to go looking for it just yet.


At the start of the relationships that involved you, did you find it difficult to trust? Was love involved and if so did you find it difficult?

And if I may, how open were the channels of communication betwen you and those with whom you were involved?

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 5:06:26 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

Yeaaaaa You !!! This I think is just what the OP was talking about .. in his own way ... you are doing your struggle on your own .. come thru to a healthy spot and Knowing you will be ready when you are !!!


*grins and blushes* Thanks; and I'll let you in on a little secret about it too. I've never been happier than I am now. I'm much more confident and don't feel I need a man or to be in a relationship to validate me. Make sense?

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 5:14:14 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Total sense .. now you can choose to submit not Need to submit ... ......

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 5:14:49 PM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

*grins and blushes* Thanks; and I'll let you in on a little secret about it too. I've never been happier than I am now. I'm much more confident and don't feel I need a man or to be in a relationship to validate me. Make sense?


Don't let this invalidate you, but I need a woman in a loving devoted relationship before I feel validated.

And worse yet, I'm not at all ashamed of it.

I believe we are all happier and saner in such relationships.

There is only 100,000 years of evolutionary pressures to make it so.

That I am not in such a relationship at the moment needn't shatter my self-confidence, for my confidence is based on decades of experiences and some very special relationships.

But my sense of self-worth while single is as nothing compared to the worth I feel when loved by one I love.

Perhaps that's just too Sixties/Soul Mate kind of stuff for some people. But I do believe good relationships complete those involved.

< Message edited by Loveisallyouneed -- 2/25/2008 5:16:52 PM >

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 5:20:40 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed


At the start of the relationships that involved you, did you find it difficult to trust? Was love involved and if so did you find it difficult?

And if I may, how open were the channels of communication betwen you and those with whom you were involved?


I was too trusting in initial relationships including the major abusive one as a young woman even though I'd been abused prior to being an adult. I was an easy target for a predator. Yes, love was a part of those relationships and infatuation. The biggie lasted 11 years and produced four children before he went to prison for assault and armed criminal action.

After that I was too quick to jump into a couple of relationships because I was lonely and couldn't handle not being in a relationship. I was less trusting by then and followed the pattern learned from my ex of agree even if you don't, placate tempers, avoid blow ups. I was miserable, resentful, and too afraid to actually communicate my feelings, wants and needs for fear of abuse and belittlement. There wasn't really any open channels of communication. Fear ruled me.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 5:31:30 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		I dont feel invalidated when not in a relationship but I do feel more complete when I am loved and am in love with my submissive .. .. and I feel more powerful .. for I feel like that part of me that is missing ( for I believe that the dominant and submissive are both a part of the whole ) when I am without a submissive ...leaves a hole....that I prefer be filled

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to SassySarijane)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 6:20:56 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

*grins and blushes* Thanks; and I'll let you in on a little secret about it too. I've never been happier than I am now. I'm much more confident and don't feel I need a man or to be in a relationship to validate me. Make sense?


Don't let this invalidate you, but I need a woman in a loving devoted relationship before I feel validated.

And worse yet, I'm not at all ashamed of it.

I believe we are all happier and saner in such relationships.

There is only 100,000 years of evolutionary pressures to make it so.

That I am not in such a relationship at the moment needn't shatter my self-confidence, for my confidence is based on decades of experiences and some very special relationships.

But my sense of self-worth while single is as nothing compared to the worth I feel when loved by one I love.

Perhaps that's just too Sixties/Soul Mate kind of stuff for some people. But I do believe good relationships complete those involved.


It doesn't invalidate me in the least for you to say that. I am validated by knowing myself and being true to myself as an individual. If you need someone else to feel validated that's you and doesn't make me invalidated or feel any less than I am. We are individuals and our beliefs, wants, and needs are our own. It's not for me to tell someone else what validates or invalidates them anymore than it's their place to decide so for me. That is for them to discover and know just as it is for me.

As to a loving relationship making me happier or saner, I doubt it would increase my sanity, but it could well increase my happiness. I will know when I'm in such a relationship if it increases my happiness. Having never been in a solid, loving, healthy relationship with a man/partner, I have no true experience of it. Do I want such a relationship? Yes I do, very much so. I'm just not looking for it at this time. As I said in a previous post, I have other things that are taking higher priority to that at this time.

I greatly enjoy romance books of many kinds from mushy and soulmates to paranormal to erotic and have for quite a number of years. I believe in love and lasting, happy relationships. I'm just not feeling like I have to rush out and find one for myself. I can be and am very happy right now as a single lady. Too often when people get impatient for it and rush into, it ends badly and they get hurt in various ways. I've done the impatient rushing and paid the prices for it. I'm not going to forget those lessons. I'm going to make sure it's right and is a fit next time.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Humbly asking for advice ... - 2/25/2008 6:28:39 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

Total sense .. now you can choose to submit not Need to submit ... ......


Exactly! It's MY choice rather than forced. There is a need to submit, it's a part of me, but only when it's right. I won't submit just to be submitting because it wouldn't work, wouldn't be the submitting I need to do. Hope that made sense lol....does to me.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 100
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