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Mentoring - 2/28/2008 9:16:24 AM   
Constrictor1


Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline 		I am sure that I am going to open a big can of worms here, and probably take some criticisms, but how many Masters(male and female), Doms/Dommes mentored under another to gain better insight and experience. How many currently mentor others. How many are willing to? In this lifestyle that we participate I can't help but notice that so many people feel that all that is needed to become a master is a loud voice and self proclamation. Oh yeah or read a few books.
Let the games begin
Constrictor1
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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 9:31:39 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I had a good friend/mentor that helped me as I was getting started.  I had read a lot, had started as a sub so I knew things from that side, but she guided me in my process of becoming a Mistress.  She was a huge help with things from technique to how to handle a session when things go wrong.  I will always be in her debt.

_____________________________



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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 9:32:00 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Formally and informally I mentored under other Tops (that's what we called everyone at that point, its really still my vocabulary though I modify for the audience at times)

I have a Daddy (formerly female) who in many senses of the word 'brung me up in leather' and taught me a lot as well, probably more than the mentoring.  I bottomed too.

I'm happy to help, I think unless someone found me and REALLY asked me to mentor them and I felt they were sincere, I'd probably not bother much anymore... recently, its been a very unrewarding experience.  I am not about to go out of my way.

I think you're right.  My observations and experience are similar to yours in this regard. 


(in reply to Constrictor1)
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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 9:34:03 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I can somewhat buy into the whole mentoring thing when it comes to  learning how to use certain toys so as not to harm, but I can't understand mentoring for mental aspects of bdsm.  That kind of dynamic will be so unique to a relationship.  How can anyone "guide" you in that?

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 9:55:52 AM   
Constrictor1


Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline 		If you haven't guessed I mentored under another Dom. It was beneficial to me for the teaching of play tools as well as a different perspective on the lifestyle. Stress style here. I to this day do a number things just as my mentor, BUT there were a number of things that he and disagreed about and this gave me the exposure and opportunity to define what I wanted to become.

C

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 10:20:08 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		While mentoring you can see where the person is mentaly. Your basing most of your advice on that anyway.  

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 11:30:40 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd never be into anything formal or singular, but I certainly did and do have some great people I look to as examples, for advice, for perspective.  Heck that's part of why I'm here.

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 12:02:08 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am sure that I am going to open a big can of worms here, and probably take some criticisms, but how many Masters(male and female), Doms/Dommes mentored under another to gain better insight and experience. How many currently mentor others. How many are willing to? In this lifestyle that we participate I can't help but notice that so many people feel that all that is needed to become a master is a loud voice and self proclamation. Oh yeah or read a few books.
Let the games begin <http://www.collarchat.com/image/s2.gif>
Constrictor1


Constrictor,

Mentoring here on CM is an underused and mostly misunderstood resource for newcomers,

To be effective in mentoring one must be objective in counsul and make it known that there will be no ulterior motives. Thus it should be on a hands off basis, to insure there is no attachment, other than friend, between the mentor and mentee.

Unfortunately new subs coming into CM are pounced on by the wolfpack before they are even aware that there are Mentors available for counssul.

CP

(in reply to Constrictor1)
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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 12:10:35 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a guy, and 99% of the mentoring I've received as a Dom has come from female subs -- both from Platonic friends and sexual partners.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to CelticPrince)
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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 12:21:56 PM   
Cradyn


Posts: 44
Joined: 2/16/2008
From: The belly of the beast(bitch persay)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

I am sure that I am going to open a big can of worms here, and probably take some criticisms, but how many Masters(male and female), Doms/Dommes mentored under another to gain better insight and experience. How many currently mentor others. How many are willing to? In this lifestyle that we participate I can't help but notice that so many people feel that all that is needed to become a master is a loud voice and self proclamation. Oh yeah or read a few books.
Let the games begin <http://www.collarchat.com/image/s2.gif>
Constrictor1


Constrictor,

Mentoring here on CM is an underused and mostly misunderstood resource for newcomers,

To be effective in mentoring one must be objective in counsul and make it known that there will be no ulterior motives. Thus it should be on a hands off basis, to insure there is no attachment, other than friend, between the mentor and mentee.

Unfortunately new subs coming into CM are pounced on by the wolfpack before they are even aware that there are Mentors available for counssul.

CP


There was a reason I joined the forums on here instead of just creating a profile and letting things go thier course. Although I realise the question about "mentoring" in this thread was originally just as a Top learning to Top sort of thing(atleast thats how i percieved the question). I basically saw your reply "celticprince" and just had to agree. I've been travaged by the pack while on other sites and on here. It's nice to atleast have people in an open spaced enviorment i can ask advice from.


And as for the original questions. I have been mentored a few times in the past towards how to Top. And will always pay attention to how I am treated by those who Top me, because it is a constant learning experience. I really dont' care whether they want to call it "mentoring" or not. No matter what. You make a single action, you are teaching. I'm quite sure thats why we're taught young that it's best to "think" before you speak or do something. lol

As far as i'm concerned, everyone is mentoring. Whether they know it or not...

_____________________________

I am a boy, yet a man. With any luck..I shall never reach the title of "man"...

"We are all equal in every single way, We just like to pretend we aren't for our own satisfaction"

(in reply to CelticPrince)
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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 12:53:19 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I can somewhat buy into the whole mentoring thing when it comes to  learning how to use certain toys so as not to harm, but I can't understand mentoring for mental aspects of bdsm.  That kind of dynamic will be so unique to a relationship.  How can anyone "guide" you in that?


Just have to emphasis this point again.

If one is just about top/bottom impact play I could see mentoring having value. I can also see bouncing thoughts and ideas to a person with experience to be another good thing.

But to think a mentor can teach you who you are as a dominant and your motivations and dynamic in which you strive for let alone each individual relationship a person enters into as a power exchange relationship is not all that attractive.

Give me a person who has explored his mind and soul in how he wants to live his power exchange relationship and why with no mentor and whatever experience level. I have no need for someone who can whip out a resume of his experience in impact play vouched by another but cannot explain in their own words with any conviction or passion why they are dominant and want a power exchange relationship.

One thing to read, talk and bounce off ideas with others but the mental aspect of being a dominant is a personal journey and not learned by memorizing instructions or actions of another.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Aileen1968)
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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:02:48 PM   
Lumus


Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		Like RedMagic, I learn more from submissives than other Dominants about myself.  I've also been asked to mentor for others, but I have refused.  Advice, however, is always offered, with the understanding that it should be taken with a grain of salt...people have to be themselves, ultimately.



_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:31:50 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I disagree that mentoring can't help with the mental aspects.

A Mentor can give you honest reflection of yourself, they can help you find things in yourself that you may not see clearly.
Just as a spiritual mentor can help you find your way. Just as a Martial Arts instructor teaches you about more than just the physical aspects of the martial art.

Good mentors provide you with opportunities for exposure to various styles and such, and this allows you to pick and choose not just the physical arts but also the mental style of how you express your dominance or submission.

BTW most often this is accomplished not by telling you how to be a Dominant or a submissive but by asking you questions that force you to examine the questions that will tell you what kind of dominant or submissive you want/ need to be.

Mentors don't tell you how they ask you why you did it this way and then offer other possibilities you might want to examine.



< Message edited by Archer -- 2/28/2008 1:36:05 PM >

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:43:34 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I completely agree with Archer, there's value in mentors for both the physical and mental aspects of things.  Yet mentors do come in different sizes and shapes; much of my mentoring, I've come to really understand, came from my time in the Marines where we were kept in line, given clear rules, and clear punshiments when they were broken.

I was never mentored as a dominant, at least not in a tangible way.  I've learned and seen what others do and tried to understand it as part of my own growing process.  I'm confident enough in my abilities in and out of a dungeon to not feel I need any specific mentoring, though I'd like a few more years experience in the physical activity side before I'd feel mentoring in any sort of formal manner.

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:44:49 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I'm a guy, and 99% of the mentoring I've received as a Dom has come from female subs -- both from Platonic friends and sexual partners.


Amen.

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:45:36 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

I disagree that mentoring can't help with the mental aspects.

A Mentor can give you honest reflection of yourself, they can help you find things in yourself that you may not see clearly.
Just as a spiritual mentor can help you find your way. Just as a Martial Arts instructor teaches you about more than just the physical aspects of the martial art.

Good mentors provide you with opportunities for exposure to various styles and such, and this allows you to pick and choose not just the physical arts but also the mental style of how you express your dominance or submission.

BTW most often this is accomplished not by telling you how to be a Dominant or a submissive but by asking you questions that force you to examine the questions that will tell you what kind of dominant or submissive you want/ need to be.

Mentors don't tell you how they ask you why you did it this way and then offer other possibilities you might want to examine.



I totally agree with this.  A Good Mentor gives you tools.  You may not agree with some of those tools and you may not use them and there is nothing wrong with that, you use what works for you. A Good Mentor to me is one who has been mentored themselves.

Z-

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:48:37 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		BTW this is not to say you have to have a mentor to figure out who or what kind of dominant or submissive you want or need to be. Just that in my experience you get there a little faster when you have objective feedback, that a mentor can provide.

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:49:20 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		OK...say you meet another dominant man who is fantastic at flogging....something that you've always wanted to try.  Say he's also very romantic and sweet with his sub whereas you are the rough and tough type.  I can see learning how to flog from him.  I still can't see how you can learn mental/personality styles in how to dominate from him when you have two completely different personalities and dominating styles.  I can't put it into words.   One is technique to me.  The other is what makes you, you.  How can you learn that from someone?

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:55:20 PM   
Constrictor1


Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline 		To all thank you for the input. CelticPrince brings up the point of mentoring the opposite sex. good perspective on the wolfpack mentality here on CM. But , while I was ambiguous at first I would like to clarify that the mentoring I was intending was of an experienced Top/Master/Domme...ad nauseum toward another less experienced slave/bottom/subby...blah blah blah. While I know that does not limit the relationship to "hands off" it is more the answer that I was curious about.

C

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RE: Mentoring - 2/28/2008 1:58:27 PM   
Constrictor1


Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline 		Aileen1968, good question. I tried to accept those "techniques" and develop my own outlook/style /personality to any thing I learn. I don't feel that a mentor should expect a carbon copy. At least not with me.

C

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