RE: Embarassment with service

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subtee -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 8:16:21 AM)
I'll leave the semantical arguments about what is or is not sex (didn't Clinton decide that for us all?), whether or not sex is endemic in D/s relationships and what "special candor and trust [built]" intends and speak from the age perspective, 'cause that's how this bitty rolls. The older I get, the less I am inhibited about who I am and what my body looks like. Nearly daily the give-a-shit diminishes, so I think in some ways, it's almost easier to experience---god so much!--with that security. Having said that, the whole dealio is just hot. For example, let's say the Dom says every time we get together you will need a physical examination, so I can make sure MY body is well and well cared for. Let's say you won't see each other for the next three weeks... embarrassing, pleasing for him, horrifying to think about it, can't...stop...thinking...about...it. And finally, mmmmmmmm...submissive headspace. I'm just saying. [;)]

akahadaka -> RE: Embarrassment with service (3/4/2008 8:23:53 AM)
quote: Sex is sex. Your example was, for me, an example of sex...not D/s sex. Even those actions i would consider kinky sex are not confined to D/s. Vanilla people get rather kinky too. When i was searching for a Dominant i met and talked with several men who were really into nothing but a bedroom kink...not D/s at all. However, they were led to believe that their kink made them part of D/s. I agree with your point of view, peppermint. For me, fairly new to the D/s relationships, all forms of sexual demands - or offers - never were an exclusive D/s thing. For the same reason the embarrassment you can feel doing it isn't exclusive from D/s. Some submissives feel it, some don't feel at all. It depends on true nature of each person, even vanilla. In my previous vanilla relationships, sometimes I masturbated in front of my partner without feeling shame. In fact, it's a thing that turn me on. The only difference with D/s is that now my Dom ask me to do it when he wants... so, it's an "obedience" and "be under control" question, not a question of feeling embarrassment or shame.

Bound2One -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 9:58:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Build the trust first before you ask things that are too far out of their comfort zone. I'm not going to do anything I don't like the first couple of times and anybody who insisted I do, is someone I would believe is more into the wank material than into me. The trust comes first. If you can't wait to build it, then you're teaching her that she's right not to trust you. DesFIP said it above better than I could. I agree!

AquaticSub -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 10:28:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince Example, if your Sir reequired you to masterbate yourself while he watched. Untill that special candor and trust is built, how do you handle the scene? Could be because I'm in my twenties but I don't really see that as all that kinky or interesting. I've seen it suggested as something to spice up your sex life in plenty of "normal" magazines aimed at women. Sure it could be difficult, but so it getting naked in front of someone for the first time. Less of a BDSM issue, more of a run of the mill confidence one. As for how to I would handle it... just grin and go with it. If it was with a partner other than Valyraen and I felt nervous, I'd ask them to tell me what they were thinking while I did it. Hearing them tell me how sexy they think is would boost my confidence. It would probably help "vanilla" gals doing this for their husbands or boyfriends because Comso suggested it too.

trusting -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 11:03:42 AM)
if the trust was not present... i would not be there at all, let alone be there to masterbate infront of Him!

MistressNoName -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 11:10:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince While not yielding the principle that D/s is more about mental control then sexual control; sex is still a major part of the D/s dynamic. Many submissives come into this lifestyle in their 30' or 40's and have experienced generally only vanilla sex / thus the question how does a submissive get past that embarrassment of some forms of sexual demands. Example, if your Sir reequired you to masterbate yourself while he watched. Untill that special candor and trust is built, how do you handle the scene? CP One of two ways... 1) you decide what your hard limits are, and if that's one of them, you communicate that to your Sir and hopefully, he will respect that and help you little by little to relax that limit, (if that is the agreed upon goal). 2) Just do it with the understanding that your Sir is going to be there to assist you with sifting through and dealing with the feelings that will absolutely come up. Best, MNN

littleone35 -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 12:42:10 PM)
Well it helped a lot that master kept saying how much he liked my body even though i don't always. We did not do anything i was not ready for. He wanted me to be comfortable. Matt's littleone

SayaNereida -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 2:13:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince While not yielding the principle that D/s is more about mental control then sexual control; sex is still a major part of the D/s dynamic. Many submissives come into this lifestyle in their 30' or 40's and have experienced generally only vanilla sex / thus the question how does a submissive get past that embarrassment of some forms of sexual demands. Example, if your Sir reequired you to masterbate yourself while he watched. Untill that special candor and trust is built, how do you handle the scene? CP I began exploration of BDSM almost a year ago, after turning 40. Trust isn't an issue for me when responding to the question; for us the fact that the relationship is, says that trust already exists. Personally, what I find is relief that I can finally be and explore myself and my desires that seemed to be shunned by others in the past. What seems harder to overcome, at times, is the programing of past relationships that said 'these' interests were sick, twisted or perverted and now being with someone that it interested in experiencing them with me. Truthfully, to have him request your example has been liberating, not embarrassing. To know that someone is that interested in how I am and react during pleasure to want to watch is an amazingly freeing experience. Yes, the first time, during, I thought about the excess weight, and the fact that my breast flopped to the side, ect., ect., ect, but when it was over and I saw the smile on his face, the love in his eyes and heard him describe what he saw during: he saw the pleasure on my face, he heard the sounds I made, he watched what I did that turned me on and he was pleased. He never saw the things that made me insecure (or perhaps he was kind enough not to mention them) . I find more of a struggle with embarrasment of how my interests were recieved in the past, not what he requests for his pleasure. Saya PS. Hope this makes sense, taking cold medicine.

batshalom -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 3:31:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince Example, if your Sir reequired you to masterbate yourself while he watched. Untill that special candor and trust is built, how do you handle the scene? I don't do sexual anything until trust is built. There would be no scene. (Assuming you mean that this Sir is someone with whom I am in a new relationship.)

Tapestry -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 3:46:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince Untill that special candor and trust is built, how do you handle the scene? I'm one of those submissives who came into all this rather late in life, discovering D/s in my 40s and not living it until i was in my 50s. Sex is sex. Your example was, for me, an example of sex...not D/s sex. Even those actions i would consider kinky sex are not confined to D/s. Vanilla people get rather kinky too. When i was searching for a Dominant i met and talked with several men who were really into nothing but a bedroom kink...not D/s at all. However, they were led to believe that their kink made them part of D/s. I don't consider my sex life as being D/s sex. We enjoy our bedroom antics. We laugh a lot and talk a lot just like any vanilla couple might do. It's fun. Different from vanilla sex?? No. I just don't personally buy into the idea that D/s sex and vanilla sex are two different things. As for sex being important to a D/s relationship...yes it is. Is sex more important for a D/s relationship than a vanilla relationship....well, you'd have to prove this to me because i don't believe it's true. Sex is important to any relationship where sex is enjoyed. If sex isn't part of the dynamic, then it's not important whether the relationship is D/s or vanilla based. Agreed! I've always felt that D/s M/s are dynamics that govern how we behave within a relationship, and it is no more nor less about sex than any other activity that pertains to the relationship. The sex is just one aspect, and is not much different than vanilla sex, for me. And I've never felt that a flogging/whipping./beating/spanking/name your favorite activity needed sex to make it better. Sex certainly is fun and doesn't detract from a scene, but a great scene doesn't have to include sex. As far as the OP wanting to know about how to help a bottom feel comfortable enough to do what is asked of them I reply that every person is different. In a scene I am much more comfortable doing something I've been told to do - or even if I'm uncomfortable, I'm going to do my very best to comply - because the Top TOLD ME TO. When not in an actual scene I may or may not comply (well, except when Master TELLS ME TO! lol) But if I wasn't involved in a 24/7 M/s relationship, I may not instantly comply with a command/request when not involved in a scene. Blessings and Peace

fiestysubmissive -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 3:59:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin I am only 21, so I dont know if this applies to me. I certainly know that initially I was hugely embaressed and didnt really like my body at all. I actually enjoyed the embaressment (something I dont really feel as much now as I am far more confident in my own skin) I figured that if he didnt want to watch he wouldnt have asked which means he found something enjoyable in watching therefore I cant look that stupid/bad/fat (insert insecurity here) which I guess makes you feel more attractive and sexy. Colouredin - can't thank you enough for sharing that - put a whole new slant on things for me. [:D]

trueshadow -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 4:35:28 PM)
Let's face it, submission involves trust. I'm not going to get naked and masterbate before a stranger. I've been asked to masterbate before a Domme, and it was embarrasing, though I did it. Embarrassment is perhaps a milder form of humiliation, and that often is part of D/s. It can be a tricky thing to skate on that edge, but there you are.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 4:41:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: sex is still a major part of the D/s dynamic. Ok, this really pisses me off. The general consensus that relationships HAVE to have sex involved. Why is it so hard to believe or understand that an intimate relationship; whether 'vanilla' or BDSM, or M/s/D/s; with another can be non-sexual in nature? Okay EVEN when ther is no SEX involved the concept of self gradification is ABSOLUTE as Human Nature dictates We only do what we see a reason for doing. Where I understand you may be talking SEXUAL and Physical Intercourse I can equally say that if someone gets off one having Eggs Thrown at them and this helps to release some from of pent up agression or desire then this is in and of itself a Sexual release. RARELY have I seen a truely NON-Sexual D/s relationship as one people recieves pleasure from the what is being done by the other either to or by. Not everything is as black and white as the definition says it is. Steel

CelticPrince -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 4:54:53 PM)
quote: The trust comes first. Des, I do agree with the priority, but that does not address the embarrassment! CP

CelticPrince -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 4:56:38 PM)
quote: Ok, this really pisses me off. Mist, Pissed or not, it is a fact of life . CP

Bound2One -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 5:13:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince quote: The trust comes first. Des, I do agree with the priority, but that does not address the embarrassment! CP Well, with the trust being present, I could then get through the embarrassment with less fuss than I could if I was with a Dom that I didn't have that relationship with. With the trust present, I can work through my embarrassments or anxieties which pop up during the scene, and perform well for Master. Without the trust, I would muddle my way through unhappily and no one in the room would be very happy.

Invictus754 -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 5:21:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: sex is still a major part of the D/s dynamic. Ok, this really pisses me off. The general consensus that relationships HAVE to have sex involved. Why is it so hard to believe or understand that an intimate relationship; whether 'vanilla' or BDSM, or M/s/D/s; with another can be non-sexual in nature? Why are you pissed off? Just because someone stated something as Truth - but it was just Opinion? Either you believe way too many people everyday or you are pissed off a lot of the time. Chill, homey. If you feel you HAVE to reply to the OP, kindly point out that he stated an opinion, not a fact, and save yourself the aneurism.

DesFIP -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 5:32:56 PM)
Beyond working on the trust issue, don't shove the whole problem on her. In this case, sit next to her with one arm around her and have your other hand on top of hers while she touches herself. Tell her frequently how happy you are that she's doing that. After she can handle it like that, then take your hand off and just hold her while she does it. Still with the positive reinforcement. Then move to sit sideways, stroking her arm while she does it. Break it down to step by step and do it a bit at a time. Telling her she needs to solve the problem isn't helpful. You leading her through this is.

CelticPrince -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 6:50:22 PM)
quote: I would say that D/s for me has elements of sex even though I have not had the physical act of sex with Sir. Just my opinion :D coloure You bring up a good point in that amny enjoy sex without physical contact;as in cyber and phone sex. CP

CelticPrince -> RE: Embarassment with service (3/4/2008 6:53:04 PM)
quote: I also know the strong feeling of pride afterwards in knowing that I did exactly what was asked of me, without hesitation, and that helps to get me throug Queen, thanks for your input and sharing. Imagine how well it will go when you become more comfortable with your body.. CP

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