LaTigresse
Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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doll, something just hit me this morning as I began reading this thread. You remind me so SO MUCH of someone near and dear to me......as she was a few years ago. I don't know how much of her story you will relate to but I am going to tell you a very condensed brief version. Hopefully in her story you will find something that will help you.
Today she is 27 years old, happily married and excitedly expecting her first child. She still struggles with depression and is still seriously overweight just so that you are aware, her life is not storybook perfect.
She was a lovely, dramatic baby and toddler. Yet when she got too tired, she suffered night terrors. A few years ago it surfaced in her mind that she had been sexually abused by a male family member at a very young age. No one is still sure what her age, at the time, was. Her parents had troubles, father an alchoholic and occasional drug abuser. Mother just naive and immature. She had an older brother (by one year) that she always felt was more favoured in many ways. Always the girl angst and drama of, no one understands me.
Her mother left her father when it became apparent the drinking and activities it spurred were worsening and detrimental to her children. They lived in poverty for several years, and with the shadow of what insane stunt the often MIA dad was going to do next. He would disappear, sometimes for years, they suddenly reappear proclaiming love and devotion. Even after her mother remarried and provided a more stable environment.
The girl had never been really thin but at puberty she began to gain weight, also the drama and theatrics increased. Even talks of suicide. Often times very defiant, even with a strict but also very loving home life. With the increases came therapy, much therapy. Trying to find the right doctor, the doctors trying to find the right medications. The girl didn't do well in school, ADD they said. Parents were adamant about getting an education, much fuss over skipping school, not doing school work, failing grades.
With the weight gain and other issues there was a low self esteem. Not uncommon in a teenage girl. She was a very social girl and usually had quite a few friends. Her parents almost always liked her friends and they often spent a great deal of time at the house. No cause for concern there. On the surface the girl should have had a fairly happy life. Yet always bubbling under the surface the depression and mood swings. Then it was discovered that there was increasing alchohol abuse, and addition to a cold medication. Boxes and boxes of capsules taken in a few days time. More hospitalizations both for physical and mental, more "helpful drugs" cocktails. No perfect cure, never the cure. In desperation her mother even tried many holistic and alternative avenues. Still nothing that would "fix" whatever ailed the girl.
Somehow she managed to graduate high school, even began community college. That lasted less than two months. The family rules, the same her brother had had, if you are not a full time student. You work full time and pay rent after you've gotten 4 months rent free to save your money if you wish to live on your own. If you do not move out you pay rent and you still follow the rules of the house.
Ultimately she moved into her own place, sharing it with friends. Always some financial drama, always changing jobs. Several times beginning college only to quit. Still fighting depression and a host of other issues......restless leg syndrome that would not allow her to sleep....digestive issues and obsessive eating issues......cutting.......etc. Also, several attempted rapes at parties, in there somewhere.
All this time she had never really had an interest in dating. Never a serious "boyfriend". Sure, she'd had crushes but usually on someone so unattainable and safe there was no chance of actually dating them. There was even a period of time she decided she must be a lesbian because she just didn't want anything to do with the phsysical aspects of dating men. What a dramatic thing she made of that announcement!! Then after a few attempts there, decided that was not for her either. She just gave up on dating and having a relationship. Instead hung out with gay guys. Male companionship without the sex.
Several more hospitalizations because of suicidal thoughts, more job hopping, more financial dramas. More on and off medications.
Finally one day several years ago, the girl decided that perhaps what her mother had been telling her had some grains of truth. "We are each responsible for our own happiness." "No matter what crap life throws at you, you are responsible for how you allow it to affect you" "Quit dragging out the big book of excuses for why you fail!" "No one is going to do it for you!"
She decided to take responsibility for her life. Yes, she will always need a little help with her depression and mood swings. She now knows that she has to be watchful of herself, see the signs of the bi-polar (or whatever the current in phrase is for it) highs and lows, and has learned better ways to deal with both. Sure, she still has days where she makes bad choices, calls her mother crying........but they are getting less and less. Yes, she is still overweight, she may always be. But she knows that she alone, owns that. No one else.
Basically, she grew up alot. Realized that if she wants to be better, feel better, have the life she wants......SHE HAS TO FIGHT FOR IT! If a doctor isn't helping, demand another. If a medication sucks, tell the doctor that prescribed it and demand help. Research everything. She spends alot of time at the public library and online. If a behaviour is destructive FIGHT to change it.
This young woman quit being a victim and became a fighter. Fighting for her health and her own happiness. It has not been an easy battle, far from it. Many lost skirmishes. But she refuses to quit fighting.
Doll, somewhere inside yourself you have the same abilities. If you didn't, you would have given up, and offed yourself already. The fact that you are bringing your drama here is not only a cry for help, but also shows a desire to get better. You just have yet, to toss away the excuse book and learn to own, your own life. It will come in time. Not one of us on here has the magic answer for you. Quit looking for it. You have your own answers, you're just refusing or not ready, to see them yet.
There is no easy cure, no magic pill, no instant fix. Accept that. You are going to have to work hard, harder than you want, harder than you can even imagine. But the harder you work at it, the easier it will get. And, the peace you crave will begin to flow into your life. Many of the things you struggle with, you may always struggle with. They will just become easier to cope with. You just have to stop making them walls and welcome them as life lessons. Lessons that will make you stronger.
I am sure I may be leaving important things out and for this I appologise. It has been a bumpy ride with this girl.
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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!
Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!
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RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 
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