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How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:33:03 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, I'm very new to all of this and am finding it very confusing and an absolute roller-coaster of emotions.  I'm looking for a real life D/s relationship.  I was inundated by messages from all sorts but after a few days liked a certain man enough to meet up, I felt instantly comfortable with him.  But now I'm freaking out as I've got a nasty feeling that I've made another mistake - and its really hurting.  I'm feeling very disallusioned and just don't know what to do.  Should I call him on it - voice my doubts or wait to see if anything else happens to make me doubt, I don't know.   I've read the advice saying to take your time and get to know the man and I know I trust far too easily.  I believe what people tell me - especially when its said face-to-face.  I am totally honest and upfront so find it hard to recognise when someone isn't.  Now I'm thinking that I've just been played with again.  That makes it twice I've been taken in - and I am seriously doubting my ability to judge - and don't know how to go forward from here.  I'm feeling very vulnerable and am not sure how I can protect myself.  Any advice will be gratefully listened to.  Didn't mean to be so long-winded!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:35:36 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		That have CLEARLY Faked Papers. and the don't know the secret handshake.

Steel

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
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(in reply to Veexen)
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RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:36:04 AM   
RedHotAndSoSexy


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Your profile states you have found what you are looking for and are not looking. Is this the same Dom you are asking about? Who can advise you without knowing more about the particular situation?

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:39:51 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Good point.  I was asked to put Under Consideration on my profile after we first met and I decided I was interested in him.   Then when I decided that it felt right I wrote that I was no longer looking.  I might be totally wrong in my feelings here - it's just that I've been hurt before and taken in by a fake and am scared I suppose.  I'm also frightened of spoiling what I think could be a good thing by being so bleeding insecure.  Guess I'm just very confused and the trouble is I've got no one to talk to about it.

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RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:40:08 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		My rule of thumb here is listen to that inner voice you hear. If you think he's a fake and a phony, he probably is. If you think he doesn't have your best interest at heart, he probably doesn't. And yes call him on the carpet for it. His reaction will tell you a lot about his "domness" for lack of a better word. Some of the fake doms on here are nothing but misogynist and disguise themselves as doms. It's an easy way to abuse women and get away with it.

On the other hand, if he responds to your questioning, politely, respectfully and genuinely, you have learn something good about him and you can proceed. Unfortunately, there is no perfect formula. It's trial and error.

(in reply to Veexen)
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RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:45:02 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks.  I do listen to my inner voice but am just not sure I can trust it at the moment.  I will ask him.  He's been nothing but respectful and kind so far.  I really hope that I'm totally wrong and that he is genuine as I feel a strong connection to him.  However, if I am right then I have no idea how I can trust my judgement next time.  Guess I'll just have to keep trying and take the knocks as them come, this is something I want very much and I'm determined to get it right! 

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)
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RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:54:05 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		first .. check their Twue Dom graduation certificate ...

ok so seriously .... as an adult you have to live with the cosequences of your actions ... behave like a victim and people will treat you as one

Moving quickly, trusting quickly, jumping in ... can sometimes result in you getting hurt (emotionally and/or physically) ... but you made a choice to move fast, dont excuse yourself by saying you trust quickly, you made that choice as a adult woman and it back fired. DEAL with the consequences of that, if you dont like them ....choose not to do it again.

If you doubt your ability to judge someone correctly ... dont go looking for someone ... you are an adult, behave like an adult. make decisions like one.


_____________________________

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(in reply to RedHotAndSoSexy)
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RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:56:51 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		You are absolutely right of course.  Thank you.

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 9:59:52 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Veexen I am not a complete ass I sent you a serious reply on the otherside check your mail.

Hope it helps

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:03:57 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Veexen

You are absolutely right of course.  Thank you.


its easy to forget ... or be encouraged to forget .... that we make our own decisions

submissive does not equal mindless ... quite the opposite in fact

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:05:06 AM   
pseudodelic


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/6/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes they are not fake they just don't behave as you expect. There are as many different types of Dom as there are people and the same goes for subs. Just because they do not follow a perceived stereotype it does not mean that they are fake necessarily just incompatible. Sometimes things just go wrong. Such is life and I have been hurt too despite being a Dom. We are not all made of stone and steel you know.

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:08:37 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		I do know - it's an incredibly steep learning curve though and it's not always easy to keep emotions in check.

(in reply to pseudodelic)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:09:10 AM   
mzbehavin


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline 		Veexen, you DO know, and yes you MUST trust your instincts. Even if at first he seemed ok, your heart is telling you otherwise now or you wouldnt be here posting this.
Do not question yourself, sometimes we are presented with opportunities to hone our intiution. Trust yourself.
Sometimes we look but refuse to see...

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:11:59 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Yes I know, but I don't want to be wrong.  Its not easy to admit to and face - though I may have no choice.

(in reply to mzbehavin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:14:18 AM   
atursvcMaam


Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline 		You should bite off the earlobes of any "fake" Dom that you find.  it might not save you, but it irritates the Dom, and marks them for the next potential victim.  I tried painting them pink for the same reason but the paint kept washing off.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to mzbehavin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:17:43 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Number one, I dont like the word fake, i think its more a case of what you want or percieve the label to be means something differant to differant people.

Number two, we all make mistakes, that happens its life, we have probably all rushed into something and regretted it later, I dont think thats a bad thing as long as we learn from them.

Number three, Just enjoy what you have while you have it, it may not last for ever you may not be destined for life partners, that doesnt devalue the relationship, measuring a bond by the length of time you have it seems silly to me, someone can change your life in a minuite you dont have to be together forever. If it doesnt work it doesnt work, that doesnt mean what you feel now is meaningless.

Number four, Dont try to second guess yourself, over analysing can break up relationships like nothing else. Just wait .... and see :D

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/8/2008 10:18:39 AM >

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(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:20:07 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		These type of forums are extremely helpful.  Apart from my Dom I've got no one to talk to about these issues and I know I have a great deal still to learn.  So thanks for all your comments.  I think one of the most valuable ones, if a bit unpalatable, was from Softness - because the bottom line is that I am an adult and I am going into this with open eyes - and getting opened more daily. 

(in reply to atursvcMaam)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:21:11 AM   
SinergyNstrumpet


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

hat makes it twice I've been taken in - and I am seriously doubting my ability to judge - and don't know how to go forward from here. I'm feeling very vulnerable and am not sure how I can protect myself. Any advice will be gratefully listened to. Didn't mean to be so long-winded!


At least you can spot that both of these situations had something in common... you.

There was a time when my marriage crumbled and I did not trust my judgment about relationships anymore, so I took a break from being in them. I only tried to get back on that horse again when I realized that it does not matter what anyone else does, it only matters that I know I will be ok no matter what. I learned I had to be a whole person without anyone else in my life. Once you know you will be ok no matter what, you can trust your own judgment again because even if you are mistaken, it won't be the end of the world and you will know it.

I would wonder why you are really hurting over someone you haven't even met yet, that throws up some red flags as to your emotional wherewithall to have any sort of relationship with anyone.

~Sinergy's strumpet~



(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:22:05 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Some more good advice!   I know I over analyse everything and often end up causing more confusion and misery because of it.  I shall go away now and try and take some of this advice to heart.  Thanks!

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:23:25 AM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		Perhaps if you told us what it is that's puzzling you.

What did the Dom do/say or not do/say that has you doubting your own judgment? If you've caught him in a lie, then most likely he will continue to mislead in other areas ... will you be able to trust him with your well being?

Did he tell you he was single and you now find out he's married?

I wish you the best in solving this puzzle.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 20
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