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RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 7:10:47 AM

Gemini1766

Posts: 991
Joined: 3/7/2008
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JustMe,
I agree with that assessment. The online communities that are formed are real. Very real. Lack of physical connection is not a lack of any real and meaningful connection. For a lot of terminally ill people online is their connection with the real world when they can no longer range about like the majority of us and enjoy life in the usual ways. That's just a single example of course.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 21

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 7:16:04 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

not to sound rude.... there is a life style..called "gaming" (on pc's) ..they are mainly online...they do have clan meetings.
does that make them not in the lifestyle?

Invalid comparison, because that lifestyle IS an online lifestyle.

I think I see what the OP is getting at. It's like saying I'm a knitter just because I've read about it online, I might even have designed a knitting pattern, but I've never actually picked up the knitting needles and made a scarf or even a scrap of practice work.

Cali

heh, knitters don't identify themselves primarily as knitters, it's something they do on top of who they are.

But to run with that (as I am a knitter, in real life even-- wearing a sweater I made today as a matter of fact) knitters have message boards, they have blogs and they have e-mail groups. Occasionally a person does come in and say that they've read or they used to watch a relative knit and they have an ugre to be a knitter too. People encourage them, they offer help on-line, they offer to help find someone local to help them in person. They don't tell them that they aren't a knitter because they've never picked up needles, they strongly support this person to move forward in their development as a knitter.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 22

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 7:16:48 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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Exactly. Just because something is not going to work for me, that I cannot define it by my own boundaries, does not mean it has no value for someone else.

I've had multiple offers/requests to do some sort of online or long distance domination. I know that for those submissives/slaves that participate in that, it is very real. It has a tremendous impact on their life. Why should I, how can I, be so arrogant to completely invalidate their experience simply because it is not my own?

It comes down to a need some people seem to have to validate their own way by invalidating things that don't work for them. The reality is that if we all stick to what works for us, acknowledge that while it does work for us, it may not be for anyone else. It doesn't make it better or "more real, true, whatever the fuck". It just is what it is. Period.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Gemini1766)

Post #: 23

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 7:29:46 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

It comes down to a need some people seem to have to validate their own way by invalidating things that don't work for them. The reality is that if we all stick to what works for us, acknowledge that while it does work for us, it may not be for anyone else. It doesn't make it better or "more real, true, whatever the fuck". It just is what it is. Period.

Im with LAT on this one, slagging something off simply cos its not the way that you do it just comes off as a bit insecure to me.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 24

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 8:50:30 AM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
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I am trying to see the OPs point, and wondering what brought it up. I think, no I KNOW there are people that have something inside of them - a void, and the internet has been a HUGE part of helping people figure it out. My boy was married 13 years, and from childhood can remember fantasizing about being walked on - he found out "Trampling" was a fetish, but it was not something his wife was interested in at all, in fact she made him feel "weird" for wanting that. The marriage broke up, and he began online for quite some time, communicating with Dommes and subs, exploring what was inside of him, making sense of his own feelings before bringing someone else into his life in RT. At that point, he did make an effort to get out into the "community" - going to munches and clubs, playing with Dommes - those that call themselves "lifestylers" and paying to session with me (the best investment he ever made - I tease him about now). We now have what some would happily label a "lifestyle" relationship - to us it is just our lives and the way WE have decided to live them. My point is to the OP - I don't think intent is what defines what a person has inside of them. Sometimes, there are very valid reasons why they cannot act on those desires, when they are willing to keep them inside out of a stronger desire to have peace in their life or not hurt others who share their lives. It most certainly is a void, but whether it can be filled or not does not mean it does not exist.

That said, I do think that there are some that have nothing which prevents them from following through on intent, and simply do not have the courage to try to fill that void in REAL life, and spend time online to attempt to do so using the internet for game playing, wasting other people's time, and some of these are surely the wankers we all call out from time to time. I would assume (but could be wrong - you know what they say about ASS U ME) that these are the type that have gotten the OP up in arms and wanting to put a "label" on those who are real and those who are not.

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 25

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:10:05 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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I participated in the online communities for 9 months before actually submitting to someone physically.
I wanted to take my time, avoid falling for some jerk because I had 'sub fever' and find out first what works for me, philosophically.
I *did* feel that I was participating by talking to others who are interested and actively doing wiitwd, and by listening and learning.
When I met my first Dom, I was a bit nervous, but I was so ready, and I took to it like a duck to water, so, I have to say that I think there is definitely a place for the online 'community'. It certainly helped me to find my way.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 26

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:18:08 AM

RUMRUNNER69

Posts: 17
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Personally I look at someone who only plays on-line as "Potential" The computer is a safe way to explore how one feels about different things (i.e. what thrills, what repulses) Then if they are drawn strongly enough I will see them at the club or a play party somewhere and wilcome them...

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 27

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:22:52 AM

BoiJen

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Joined: 3/7/2007
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"playing" around online is the same damned thing as reading about what you THINK you like. Until you get into the situation you can't actually say "I know I don't/do like x,y, and z" Cuz I can bet there's women out there who had no idea how much they like to pissed on. And there's guys out there who never thought they'd enjoy taking it up the ass. (Just to mix somethings around)...and vice versa...people who thought they'd enjoy these things hate them.

(in reply to RUMRUNNER69)

Post #: 28

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:26:58 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Finally my point comes around. I'm not saying there's a particular "lifestyle" I may have gotten the commonly used word mixed up with what I meant...community. And online doen't consitute community. It's far too fragile to hold any real bearing in that.

Like cali said...just cuz I read about how to do it or be it doesn't mean I actually know shit about it or have any experience in DOING it. No matter what IT is

It doesn't matter if you call it 'lifestyle' or 'community'. Merely having an interest makes you part of whatever it is your have an interest in - it is just everyone is at a different level.

I personally, don't subscribe to community mentality. I come to CM - it's an online BDSM 'community' so it says - but I don't belong to it. As long as you are participate you are 'in it'. BDSM doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am and what makes the whole of me. I don't want to belong to anthing or anyone but Darcy. Not one person here thinks or feels like me - I don't identify with anyone other than them being human and that's it.

If you rule out onliners, you might as well rule out service subs, or selfbondage lovers, or those who don't do public play and stay at home in doors with their partner.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 29

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:32:49 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

"playing" around online is the same damned thing as reading about what you THINK you like. Until you get into the situation you can't actually say "I know I don't/do like x,y, and z" Cuz I can bet there's women out there who had no idea how much they like to pissed on. And there's guys out there who never thought they'd enjoy taking it up the ass. (Just to mix somethings around)...and vice versa...people who thought they'd enjoy these things hate them.

from playing around online you can learn things, for example i learned that wax is hot and hurts and leaves pretty red marks

this is again all that one true way crap cant you just live and let live?

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/13/2008 9:33:01 AM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 30

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:33:58 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Justme, you missed my point... you specifically chose an example of something thats ONLY done online and then asked if it was invalid because it was online. So you cannot compare that to something that is online and offline. Apples and oranges.

I wasn't arguing for or against the whole thing... I don't care if someone calls themself a masochist and has never has one drop of pain in their entire life. Goody for them. It doesn't affect me.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 31

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:36:11 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

from playing around online you can learn things, for example i learned that wax is hot and hurts and leaves pretty red marks

this is again all that one true way crap cant you just live and let live?

Wax doesn't HAVE to be hot and hurt or leave any marks... and if done another way it can leave burns.

It aint about "one truw way" it's about online bullshit v. the real thing

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 32

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:38:18 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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course it is, you are saying that online isnt right and its not real and people arent actually experiancing anything and therefore its less valid and they arent in the lifestyle, seems to me that its fairly one true way.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 33

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:38:22 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

"playing" around online is the same damned thing as reading about what you THINK you like. Until you get into the situation you can't actually say "I know I don't/do like x,y, and z" Cuz I can bet there's women out there who had no idea how much they like to pissed on. And there's guys out there who never thought they'd enjoy taking it up the ass. (Just to mix somethings around)...and vice versa...people who thought they'd enjoy these things hate them.

Honestly though jen, that is no different to doing it real time.
People all the time slap on a hard limit or say - yeah I like this - then play with someone and it sucks and they change their mind. With someone else different - they can play with - and think it rocks.
Change is constant. Just because you experience something doesn;t mean you will like it forever, or not.
And for some people - online is a genuine fetish. Just like foot worship or phone sex or bongage. It's pretty cruel to negate other peoples rockoff material just coz you don't do it.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 34

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:42:05 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

course it is, you are saying that online isnt right and its not real and people arent actually experiancing anything and therefore its less valid and they arent in the lifestyle, seems to me that its fairly one true way.

They're experiencing a computer screen...oh that's edgey!

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 35

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:45:07 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Intent??? So someone has the intention to do something but for some reason never does. Now what. When is intent enough. This question is not intended to go in circle but I suspect it will. If your going to make a statement stick with it or admit you may have been mistaken.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 36

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:45:29 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Jen, I am just trying to figure out why it even matters to you.

How does my definition affect you and yours? How does it change your own experience? How does anything that is different that what works for you, that is not in direct contact with you and your life, have any importance in how you define what you do?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 37

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:45:47 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

"playing" around online is the same damned thing as reading about what you THINK you like. Until you get into the situation you can't actually say "I know I don't/do like x,y, and z" Cuz I can bet there's women out there who had no idea how much they like to pissed on. And there's guys out there who never thought they'd enjoy taking it up the ass. (Just to mix somethings around)...and vice versa...people who thought they'd enjoy these things hate them.

you sound angry, is it because something that happened or that we don't agree with you?

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 38

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:47:33 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Nope. It's just a really interesting discussion as far as I'm concerned. I had just happen to disagree with the side of the discussion that thinks fuckin around on the net for endless hrs matters for nything other than a waste of time.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 39

RE: New to the Lifestyle ...or just online? - 3/13/2008 9:48:35 AM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

I kind of throw myself into some kind of gray area and am not really sure how to define it. The more I learn about what it is that others do and the more I compare my life to that the more I relies that I have kind of been a Dom all my life to some extent I just didn’t know what I was looking for if that makes any sense. Almost every relationship I had ever been in was missing something however they all had some major elements that are found in what it is that we do. For me I live in a D/S relationship now and am very happy. I have never gone out into the local community and to be honest with you I can say that I have heard way more bad stuff about it than I have good stuff. For me the people I work for know that I am into this for the most part, I am sure that they don’t all know because its not like I wear a big sign on my pants that says this dick will hurt you but I have normalized it and answer any questions that friends, family or coworkers may have. My wife and sub on the other hand would loose her career if it got out… not just her job … her whole career and it would possibly become one of those news stories you read about….LOL. We don’t mind that people know that we live I nice healthy and kinky sex life we just don’t like people to attach the labels to it when it comes to her. Call me silly but I think it would be irresponsible to risk the method of feeding your family for a fuck especially when those who pass judgment are not involved or affected by our sex life.For me doing things online is a great way to meet friends and discuss in detail topics that people don’t normally talk about. Its safer as in I can talk to a woman about what a certain thing is like before trying it out without risking any physical involvement. To give you an example of this. I had no idea what a pony girl was or had never seen one. When I first saw one I was awe struck. It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in my life (that in itself caused problems for me requiring some inner searching as to why…LOL). Anyways in practice pony girls are a lot of fucking work and you probably wouldn’t know it until you actually tried to practice it. I know that I really don’t have enough time for pony girls so my sub is trained just in the aspects of it that I personally like… its been dressed down so to speak to be more practical. I don’t call my sub a pony girl of course and I could never really own a pony girl because it placed me too much into a submissive state (its hard to be around ponies as a Dom if you cum your pants every time a cute one smiles at you…lol). When I think of all the exploration I have done online… I can honestly say that online is not a place where you can develop a this okay and that isn’t type of attitude but it does allow the exploration in a safe manner before trying it out for real. But when you do try it out for real it is so totally different than the fantasy that I would never consider someone reading about it as a like or dislike. I don’t consider myself in the lifestyle so to speak because even though I live it every day my sub does not wear a collar every day. We don’t have friends that live the way that we do accept for hear. Internet and books are our only means of learning about what options are available so to speak but I don’t consider myself as part of the lifestyle because we don’t really socialize with anyone who does this so we really don’t know how we stack up against others. The internet is just a cheap tool for accessing tons of information both good and bad. I cant imagine anyone thinking that they are into this based on what they have read. That is crazy. Any Dom who has ever flogged a sub knows the intensity of it, They know that look. It’s a difficult look to describe but it doesn’t take much to know that there is a tremendously huge difference between reading about it, looking at photos and being there whether you are looking at it from a sub or Dom perspective. It is in many ways a big game however its about as much a game as race car driving, repelling off a cliff or hunting. I can read all I want about race car driving but that doesn’t make me a race car driver. If I tried it would you really want me in the same race as you. I am sure you wouldn’t mind if I took the car around the track a few times… but I bet you wouldn’t want me out there with you during a race any more than I would want to go into a relationship expecting to flog a sub based on it being something she read about and never experienced.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 40

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