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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 8:10:22 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Honestly Erin, I couldn't recommend telling him. It may seem like the honest thing to do, but often it backfires and turns into a nasty bit of finger pointing. You're doing the right thing by not getting involved and not facilitating her behavior, that's really about all you can do. He will, unfortunately, find out what is going on sooner or later. I also kind of wonder what sort of sleazy moron this new "dom" is. He's a fool if he trusts her, since obviously her husband can't there's no reason to think anyone else can. But then again... its entirely possible this new "dom" my simply use her and dump her... which would be poetic justice in a sense.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 8:17:49 AM   
Sartoris32801


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		I admire your integrity

Sartoris

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 12:48:55 PM   
MasterRobert1


Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline 		Reamember this:a BDSM D/s relationship is based on trust, communication and honesty. Subtract those and what have you got? Someone bouncing around only concerned about themselves.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 12:55:23 PM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

Please folks...am I losing it? Could this really be the message that people are getting today? Everyone can do whatever they want and it must be accepted by all?

mistoferin


1st of all, while i never had any trouble making gfs in my vanilla life, there are few subbies who have been true friends...most are hyper-vigilant about their Doms and get po'ed if they think i've made any sexual overture towards Him. (Let me assure you, just like most marriages, from what i've been told about these Doms i did not want Them in any way.)

2nd; f**k the "lifestyle"; intergrity is an important quality to any thinking person and once lost, may never be regained. Cudos to you for following what you knew was right in your heart.

Your friend sounds like a selfish, self-indulgent brat. i just hope her marriage did not produce kids who will be hurt by her actions.

pinkpleasures

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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 1:00:42 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Robert, I would say that any healthy relationship in any lifestyle involves trust, communication and honesty.

What denotes power exchange relationships, and distinguishes them from all other types of relationships and lifestyles, is consensual control.

John

(in reply to MasterRobert1)
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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 3:18:00 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Please folks...am I losing it? Could this really be the message that people are getting today? Everyone can do whatever they want and it must be accepted by all?


No, you are not losing it. If she asked you to jump off a bridge with her because everyone else was doing it, would you be considering it? I don't think so.

Trust your gut Erin. If it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, darlin, it's a fuckin duck. You can replace duck what ever explative to your friend that you wish.

This isn't any message I'm hearing, nor is it one I'm giving new people who I meet at my organization or local munch. We hope that people are tolerant of others, but you can't expect people to accept everything they see. The message I'm giving and hearing others give is one of Honesty and tolerance. Acceptance, in this case, is just a fancy word for her own selfish behavior, in my opinion.

Lily

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 4:30:18 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

I'd love to clue him in but sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong feels just as icky as her wanting me to cover for her. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of situations.

I was wondering how I would handle such a situation. It is an easy decision to not take an active role in her deception by lying for her but I guess he would have to be a very close friend before I'd take the step of telling him what she's up to. But what to do if he wasn't a pal? I could feel terrible about sitting idly by, so I might solve my own moral dilemma by passing the buck and telling somebody who IS a close friend of his about it.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 9/29/2005 4:33:38 PM >

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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 9:48:08 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I could feel terrible about sitting idly by, so I might solve my own moral dilemma by passing the buck and telling somebody who IS a close friend of his about it.


Believe me, this is a thought I have had also. This whole thing is really turning out to be a bit more agonizing than I had anticipated. I feel very comfortable in the way that I dealt with her request. On the flip side though, I know that there will be a day when this man is going to be in pain and I am going to feel a certain amount of guilt knowing that I had information that may have saved him from some of it. Right now I am just so angry that she has put me in this position. Talk about a rock and a hard place!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/29/2005 10:10:12 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		That's a very hard decision--in a way, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't--but generally it's a bad idea to come between two people who have a relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 9:31:35 AM   
hawk58


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Erin;

Nice to see you here. Its been too long since we have heard from you. A valuable lesson is one dove taught me: "Accept need not warrent approval." You can choose whether or not to accept this person as your friend, but you dont have to approve of her ideas or behaviors. Neither do you need to engage yourself in behaviors you find personally dishonorable. A friend would not ask another friend to compromise their morals or ethics. Just our opinion.

Edited because I finally caught up with all the posts on this subject...

I think you did the right thing in telling her "no way". It just proves what we already knew about you- you are good girl!

I also agree with others who have said, its generally a bad idea to get in the midst of a relationship between two people. They will eventually work it out on their own. Time has a way of catching up with things, and I am sure he will learn of her deceptions soon enough, via her words and actions.

My thoughts are with you as you sit in the horridly uncomfortable possition between a rock and a hard place. I think you know how to get a hold of us, if you need to talk more.

< Message edited by hawk58 -- 9/30/2005 9:51:18 AM >

_____________________________

-Sir Hawk

Master of dove's Haven

"True Power/Control is knowing that You have the ability to use it, but choose not to."

Hearts in Service:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartsInService/

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 11:11:37 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

No, it means I don't make my friends pass a litmus tests to gain my friendship.

Oh, you can bet I would talk to her afterwards, and the conversation wouldn't be pretty. If I thought she was wrong, I would tell her, and she would definately know that I didn't like being brought into her scheme. But ... she did bring me in, so she better be willing to hear what I have to say about it.

My hope would be that she would consider that I did help her out, and took a hit doing it ... and think over what we talked about later.

I just don't think cutting a friend loose, is the right play in this situation. My opinion.

No one said anything about anyone having to pass a litmus test to gain friendship. This is someone that she is already friends with who has done something that most people here consider to be entirely inappropriate for anyone to do. And once you have done this for a friend once, 90% of people will do it again, no matter what kind of talk you give them - pretty or not. IMO this is one of those things that you have to put your foot down the first time or it will happen over and over again (brings to mind another thread I just read where a guy shelled out $200 to a Domme he just met because she was "having trouble making rent" ... and then she expected him to pay for other things even though she picked another to be her pyl). If you lable yourself as someone who will lie to help someone cover for something, you open yourself up - not only to the same person taking advantage of you, but to others who will do the same.

Personally, I'm with the ones who talk about consent being a factor. Silence is not complience, and if someone doesn't know what is going on they cannot give consent for it - which is why "she didn't say 'no'" is not a defence for rape cases. If a person is passed out/asleep/drunk/mentally handicapped/in a coma/whatever they cannot give consent and even if they don't say 'no,' they didn't give consent either. Same principle applies here, with respect to this chick's Dom - he is unaware of what is going on, he cannot give consent. Even if she doesnt' have sex with this other Dom, she has cheated on her husband and it is entirely wrong of her to expect someone to help her do it. If someone asked me to lie for them, and then got pissy with me when I said 'no' I'm afraid that I would have to lecture them right back and tell them that as long as they leave me out of their choices, I won't say "boo" about it, but if/when they try to drag me into the middle of it, they can bet their life that I'm gonna say A LOT and if they can't handle that, then we need to not be friends anymore. And for the record, I have done that before, and yes, I'm still friends with the woman - we just don't discuss the married men that she dates.

(in reply to caitlyn)
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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 12:22:56 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'd love to clue him in but sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong feels just as icky as her wanting me to cover for her


An anonymous call from a pay phone with her location would be an unfortunate thing I think. Really unfortunate if she was out with her lover too...damn shame.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 12:27:18 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I have a friend who fools around on his wife and uses me for cover, him and I don't see each other often. When we have a conversation in front of his wife and something happens that fouls him up..........well, he made his bed; and he will lie in it. I will not cover for him. However; I would not go out of my way to inform his wife, even tho I am sorry that things are how they are. You just end up to be a lying a**hole out of deals like that.

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to theRose4U)
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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 12:31:33 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Nice to see you here. Its been too long since we have heard from you.


Greetings Sir Hawk,

I am really glad to see you here, you and dove will make a wonderful addition to these boards. I have always thought of you as being a wealth of knowledge and all who come in contact with you can benefit from your wisdom.

Thank you for the wonderful advice. You are always the calm voice of reason. Yes, it has been too long, I really miss seeing you guys around more. It's a shame that some of the people I like to hang out with the most live soooo far away. Well, hopefully soon. Please give all my best and a big hug to dove.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to hawk58)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 3:15:05 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

-Sir Hawk

Master of dove's Haven


Oooooh! Hey there, handsome! Good to see you here! Tell dove I'll definitely be down there next Thursday.

Denise
the Kaptin's wench

(in reply to hawk58)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 8:28:03 PM   
MissDiandSirHugh


Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline 		Hello Erin
By sticking by your rules and being honest to this person only proves how much of a decent person you are and one who deserves admiration in keeping that way through a very hard time in your mind and thoughts.
To our thinking this person was never a friend no matter how close but really a user of people to cover her decete in all parts of her life with no morals or scruples at doing it.
As to the nest egg she is wanting to build for some one elses use because of her useing you in her warped way it would be such a shame if that egg went rotten in a round about way even if you feel you could not do it to a friend well this purson is not one so just think on how you would be helping the one you feel is a friend in her husband even with out him knowing who its from.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 9/30/2005 10:53:01 PM   
chronus12003


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline 		as most of have said
do what you feel is right
i refuse to lie for others or myself
you should not have to get involved in her lies either.
at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself, not with her.
mike

ps though i would not do it, you may want to "call her this weeked" to see what she is up to
knowing that she is out of town and her husband / dom will gt the message


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Where are we going . . .
. . . and why am i in a handbasket?

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RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 10/1/2005 3:05:10 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		For those suggesting she lets the husband know:

Is 'betraying' a friend really any less of a moral issue than lying to cover her?

How can one be a no-no and the other seemingly 'ok'? Just because she's doing something you don't condone?

~ Elektra

(in reply to chronus12003)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 10/1/2005 6:56:03 AM   
hawk58


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline 		Erin;

As ever the door is always open. And our ears are always here for listening...and thent here are these big ole shoulders for you to lean on!

Denise;
Closing on thehouse got moved. We'll be closing on the house on thurs morning at 9am. So if we can utilze your services until the following week??? Dove could really use your help more then too, as she will be recovering from surgery. You ain't so bad looking yoursefl. *winks*

_____________________________

-Sir Hawk

Master of dove's Haven

"True Power/Control is knowing that You have the ability to use it, but choose not to."

Hearts in Service:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartsInService/

(in reply to ElektraUkM)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Is this really the message people are now getting? - 10/1/2005 12:26:21 PM   
DrkkMaster


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline 		Acceptance is a willingness to let others find their own way, so long as their actions do me no harm.

I consider an attempt to define the lifestyle as a place where decit is status quo, to be something that would do a great deal of harm to my quality of life.

In the case as presented, I'm afraid that they would have to find it in their heart to "accept" my decision to be honest with those involved.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 60
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