RE: Fucking up really badly

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camille65 -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 5:16:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: indigo302 quote: ORIGINAL: bbwsubnnorcal Just because you are a slave, do not mistaken that for being a doormat because no matter what, at the end of the day, YOU are still responsible for your own thoughts, your own actions, and your own contributions to society and to those around you. YOU are responsible for your choices--whether good or bad. Now this was choice certainly wasn't your wisest but next time if you look back and think "Okay, am I making the same mistake?" and the answer comes back as a "No." then maybe this lesson was meant to be learned. AND "you" (Prin) are responsible for learning how to say no. Being a slave does not negate the responsibility to say "no" when something isn't right for you. Weakness and slavery are not one in the same. i've learned (again) Have you truly learned (again)?It worries me that at the end of every mishap you've posted here you say that you've learned from it yet you keep falling back into the same situation. You tell us that you have a gift for helping others, maybe you need to write down what you would tell someone in your position and apply it to yourself. It isn't healthy to continue this pattern of self hurt, seeming to choose the path where you will end up unhappy over and over. As others have suggested I too think you need to pull back from relationships with men and build a solid healthy one with yourself unless this is what you really do enjoy. The drama, the angst and the attention. It is all your choice Prinsexx, it is all up to you. Continue this habit or change it.Stop seeking people to fix and fix yourself instead.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 5:55:18 AM)
You seem to be very vocal on how damaged your master is. I wonder if you have any idea that you come across as equally damaged as he is. I don't know you. I only know what you post and all the drama that seems to be in your relationship. I said this on another of your drama threads and I'll say it again...it seems that you and your master are not a good match and you would do much better emotionally with someone else.

KnightofMists -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 7:10:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 I said this on another of your drama threads and I'll say it again...it seems that you and your master are not a good match and you would do much better emotionally with someone else. With all the drama that surrounds her.... I have to wonder if she capable at this moment in her life to have a compatible relationship with anyone.

mastervalentine -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 8:16:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 I said this on another of your drama threads and I'll say it again...it seems that you and your master are not a good match and you would do much better emotionally with someone else. With all the drama that surrounds her.... I have to wonder if she capable at this moment in her life to have a compatible relationship with anyone. Like a storm-tossed ship, it would take a very stable and capable captain indeed to weather it well.

littlebitxxx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 8:28:49 AM)
Methinks she IS the directionless captain of that storm-tossed ship of a life. Prinsexx....if you have the choice, free will, intuition, guidance, psychic ability and all that of the mega-spirituality you spout about, use it. You are allowing others to control you and your emotions, your reactions. Are you not capable of intuiting something wrong, and standing up to it? Do you not have the free will of your higher self...or are you just not listening? You've got yourself so far down into the pit of self-ness that your ego has completely crushed you. Transcend that ego and put it back where it belongs. Find your higher self again and listen this time! There is a reason the universe is crapping all over you...they are trying to get through to you the only way they can. Figure if they throw enough shit down on top of you, you'll someday have had enough and wake up and listen. Karma, shmarma. Good excuse for living the same crap over and over. Recognize it, deal with it, use it to your advantage. If you're searching for your dharma, good luck with that. It will find you, you know that. You wrote this life and you're finding out that it's not quite what you want....we all have free will and choice to change it midstream. So do it. Get back to your self, meet up and re-acquaint with your higher self and then you'll know where to go from here.

subtee -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 9:47:13 AM)
Even when we're stumbling we're still moving forward; and our trip may make the path more clear for those behind us. Fucking up does not equal "bad." Not collared or Mastered does not equal vanilla. ~hugs~ Tee

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 10:55:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty there is a whole lot i could say, but i am sure you have already said it to yourself, you are a lot like me...so, instead of put down the bat...i am taking your bat away...you can't have it back and you are not allowed to get another one... said it before, going to say it again - work on making you better, for you...if you want more details, read my past replies to you [;)] or drop me a note on the otherside with an outside email - i can't send out emails through collarme... i won't put more effort into helping another person than they are willing to put into it than they are willing to put into it themselves, nor will i put effort into helping another person when they are knowingly and willingly hurting themselves, but if you want to help yourself and get better and grow, i will walk with you and share my experience, strength, and hope... take care, chelle at least all this shit has bought us closer. the time difference makes it hard but i tried to post sensibly on chat last night. will just keep on and you can pick up my few lines....better, have worked hard and good today and been the best i can be.

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 10:57:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 I said this on another of your drama threads and I'll say it again...it seems that you and your master are not a good match and you would do much better emotionally with someone else. With all the drama that surrounds her.... I have to wonder if she capable at this moment in her life to have a compatible relationship with anyone. and i wonder why you would take the time....forget it i'd hate to put you to the trouble...

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 11:02:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx Methinks she IS the directionless captain of that storm-tossed ship of a life. Transcend that ego and put it back where it belongs. Find your higher self again and listen this time! There is a reason the universe is crapping all over you...they are trying to get through to you the only way they can. Figure if they throw enough shit down on top of you, you'll someday have had enough and wake up and listen. I know. I had a brilliant brilliant day. Worked with a client and it was perfect. It called for everything i knew and it was make or break. But i made it. The sun is shining again inside.... my intuition is as sound as it ever was and I WILL get what I deserve out of this. I'm not even blaming him. I'm not even blaming me. It's been a huge breakthrough.

mastervalentine -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 11:05:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx Methinks she IS the directionless captain of that storm-tossed ship of a life. Transcend that ego and put it back where it belongs. Find your higher self again and listen this time! There is a reason the universe is crapping all over you...they are trying to get through to you the only way they can. Figure if they throw enough shit down on top of you, you'll someday have had enough and wake up and listen. I know. I had a brilliant brilliant day. Worked with a client and it was perfect. It called for everything i knew and it was make or break. But i made it. The sun is shining again inside.... my intuition is as sound as it ever was and I WILL get what I deserve out of this. I'm not even blaming him. I'm not even blaming me. It's been a huge breakthrough. I hope sincerely that some good comes from this pain, and I wish you well.

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 11:06:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 I wonder if you have any idea that you come across as equally damaged as he is. No I had no idea. But if I do come across as damaged then I am. I've really stopped blaming. I'm out. I'm free and that's it. I'll look back and treasure the intensely good moments. More good moments are there waiting for me now. If my stuff came across as damaged and upset anyone then I aplogise.

giveeverything -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 11:13:54 AM)
I've read your posts Prinsexx and have not commented, it really seems that everything there is to say has been. However, I'll throw in a few thoughts since you've asked the public to comment. I do not know you so this is all gut response so take it for what it's worth -- I am also a therapist, so a colleague but as I said, I do not know you. However: You seem to have some trouble regulating your emotions. You and I both know there are many reasons why this is the case for people. You need to get the right kind of therapy and therapist who can help you learn/relearn how to do this. I don't know what you mean by emotional-masochist but, to me, it seems like a smoke screen that enables you to behave unregulated without having to correct this. I'm not a slave, so I do not understand slave mind or whatever. I can say that kink and preferences are awesome (got a few of those myself, smiles) but they cannot be a way to hide from finding equalibrium. It's time to do the hard work. I understand that the way you're reacting comes from some very scary places....but don't you think it's time. In your heart of hearts, don't you want to find real freedom, freedom that inables you to have passion with another? In your heart of hearts aren't you tired of hiding behind socially constructed ideas like "emotional masochist" and "slave mindset." If I"m way off base, so be it. In your heart of hearts, though, wouldn't you like to hear another person's words and not have them send you so far off your base? You are not centered. You are not working from a centered place. Wouldn't you like to?

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 11:54:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: giveeverything It's time to do the hard work. I understand that the way you're reacting comes from some very scary places....but don't you think it's time. In your heart of hearts, don't you want to find real freedom, freedom that inables you to have passion with another? In your heart of hearts aren't you tired of hiding behind socially constructed ideas like "emotional masochist" and "slave mindset." If I"m way off base, so be it. In your heart of hearts, though, wouldn't you like to hear another person's words and not have them send you so far off your base? You are not centered. You are not working from a centered place. Wouldn't you like to? Actually yes I was tired. way way way too tired. Not sleeping. Not eating right. just dragged down....by a heavy feeling that only his pain would cut through. Yesterday two 'very bad' experiences hit me at the same time. One 'appeared' like something I didn't want coming at me from my sister. The other felt like really something very bad coming at me from P. Both felt, in my body, like I had been derailed. I ended up on my knees to him saying: all I ever want is for someone to respect who i am and what it is I have to give. i am sick and tired of this abuse that keeps coming my way. As a woman I am tired of being made to feel like it doesn't matter what I wear, or how I look. As a person I am sick and tired of being taken for granted. And as a slave I am sick and tired of being abused, truly not being found worthy and having my slavery beig the excuse for you, her, anyone, just doing as they like, when they lie to me and telling me it is because I have no rights. Worse of all, crying as I said it, I am tired of someone, anyone in personal relationship with me getting their sense of well-being from my very real pain and not giving a damn to just stop when I have entusted my limits to them. Yes I was tired. It was loveless with him and I haven't spoken with my sister at all since yesterday. There will be no apology from her and she will not, as is usual, contact me until she needs something, or wants to dump her emotional death defying life crisis at my feet for me to solve and bail her out, or sign the necessary forms or listen endlessly for hours and hours. Anyway the two things weren't separate entities. Yes I am centred today as I feel so. Strong on my own two feet and have been out to work and been the best and most together person I know how. I have deleted 'our' profile. I have cleared his number and messages. I have looked back on the amazing moments and love I felt and no-body will ever be able to take those away from me. I know absolutely that I served and I served one hundred percent and then, in one moment, on the floor, on my knees, I realised the difference between emotional-masochism (enjoyment of being emotionally hurt because of the make-up, or the healing from the person who holds the sadist's power) and downright exposing myself to humiliation, use and abuse. You know what? He' didn't have a clue, couldn't have cared less and never really understood. I was on my knees talking to myself. And with regard to my sister? i don't know yet. She is flesh and blood. I guess I will always be there for her when her party is over cleaning up the mess as usual. Actually right now, I'm feeling neither up or down, neither ecstatically in the slave mindset, neither owned or frightened as I was that somehow freedom made me less of a slave. I'm feeling just fine and taking a look at what blessings I have, how good I am at doing the job I do, and trying to catch up with the house work. And realising that there are some truly amazing people who walk this path with me. Extraordinary insightful and strong people who understand in every pore of their skin. I'm grateful to the friends who have mailed and sympathised. And I am as grateful to those who have given me a kick up the arse and told me to get it sorted. There will be someone else who will be able to cut through the next layer of me with the kind of after care and wisdom that we both need.

giveeverything -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 12:05:33 PM)
Physican heal thyself! You have got to get in a program, with a therapist to start working on your unregulated emotions. You know the traps... you'll get sucked into your own personal hell if you do not heal yourself.

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 12:15:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: giveeverything Physican heal thyself! You have got to get in a program, with a therapist to start working on your unregulated emotions. You know the traps... you'll get sucked into your own personal hell if you do not heal yourself. i've been in programs, i've written programs, sick to the back teeth of programs...you knw the minute I stand to say Hi my name is Prinsexx and I am a sexual slave....well even the fucking therapists get nervous..... oh fuck it the guy was a liar even to himself that's all....... PS ed to add: and with the back log of washing at home and forty views a day on alt as a free woman who the hell needs a liar.....

Poetryinpain -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 12:18:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: giveeverything Physican heal thyself! You have got to get in a program, with a therapist to start working on your unregulated emotions. You know the traps... you'll get sucked into your own personal hell if you do not heal yourself. Exactly. And you know, professionally if not emotionally, that you are not the best therapist for you. You need the insight and perspicacity of someone else looking at the situation from outside. Yes, you're getting a bit of that here, but you need a constant, consistent dialog with a competent, trained therapist to work this all out. You seem like a lovely woman, slave or emotional masochist or whatever you want to call yourself. Treat yourself like the treasure you are, and accept the help you need.

giveeverything -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 12:21:02 PM)
This is the last I will post because this is starting to feel like a "yea but..." Sexual slave is the only way you have to identify yourself? I don't really know what to do with that. And I think if you went in with that as your opening, they might actually have an idea of what they ARE dealing with. I say this with compassion, you need help. If you are uninterested that is up to you. Right now though, you are completely unregulated. That is a maladaptive way of coping in the world. If you want to continue... you may. If not, do the hard work. edited to add: does calling yourself a slave think that it absolves you from personal responsibility? I'm really trying to figure it out.

Prinsexx -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 3:42:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: giveeverything This is the last I will post because this is starting to feel like a "yea but..." Sexual slave is the only way you have to identify yourself? I don't really know what to do with that. And I think if you went in with that as your opening, they might actually have an idea of what they ARE dealing with. I say this with compassion, you need help. If you are uninterested that is up to you. Right now though, you are completely unregulated. That is a maladaptive way of coping in the world. If you want to continue... you may. If not, do the hard work. edited to add: does calling yourself a slave think that it absolves you from personal responsibility? I'm really trying to figure it out. No it really does not (and the private email has been worth the public hanging as usual). PS if could find a better therapist than I am myself I would be there and would have been there for a considerable length of time. However there has never been a therapist I have ever encountered who has understood the concept of conjoined emotionality and all you singularegos out there don't understand it either. I'll write the book when I have the time. If this sounds trite or terse or short tempered it certainly is not. Conjoined emotionality is what comes out of being a conjoined ego. The rules for when there is one of you simply don't apply to twins or triplets (unless they have been reared alone or separately). Being at a master's feet is like being with the other part of me except of course this one wasn't my twin and so wasn't feeling any of it. I thought it was perfect because he was bed ridden and helpless and I knew he would be cruel to mask his feelings of helplessness. But if he had never expeienced how someone else could serve him as an extension to himself tha i couldn't both teach him that and doit at the same time. Maybe if i found a blind master or deaf one I don't know yet but \anyway it wasn't his disability which was against him it was something tha t totally worked for me but I suppose he took it as loss of his own power. Ok watch for the book Emorional conjoinment; aa study of split ego. Only a Master makes me whole. It's not a fault line it just the way it is for me. Being a thir nakes me feel like I am in a couple by the way. That's waht else twins do as kids they usually share one friend bewteen them Is there an expert on this in the therapeutic field?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 4:03:50 PM)
This would be a good time to point out that most therapists/psychologist/et. al. get into the field because they KNOW they are fucked up and want to self-diagnose. The more open and honest they are about it, the better. Thanks to Knight and Disenchanted, I think myself that I'm a bit too harsh at times, but ultimately I think it gets balanced. Prin isn't a really good example of my cutting insight- it's like cutting through warm butter with a hot electric knife.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Fucking up really badly (3/24/2008 4:14:23 PM)
I am having a hard time with this cojoined ego thing. It seems like an excuse. Maybe you use it as an explanation, but it is certainly a feeling that needs to be overcome and released. To feel you are not whole without another cause big problems. For how can you have a relationship that is healthy if you are not complete and unto yourself. What this means is that you search for someone to complete you so the only Masters you will attract are either feeling incomplete themselves or ones that will take advantage of your "lack" and your "weaknesses". Really, how can you not be a whole person when you have so much going for you? This is very worrisome to be. I have alot going on in my life right now that is negative. But if I approached the issues and people in my life with anything less than strength, than I would be dooming myself to a life of users, leaches and emotional sadists. Being healthy in relationship sometimes has to be learned. So many times the bad stuff gives us that"at home" feeling and it feels like love because it was what we experienced growing up. Being treated properly and with love doesn't make the person treating us well a weakling. So perhaps what i would like to see that would be the most beneficial is to not hear justifications and labels for what you are, but how you will change the destructive behaviors and channel them into positive ones.

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