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am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:22:47 PM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		I have found the most wonderful Dom.  He has taken me places I have never gone before.  But.....

Here's the story in a nut shell:

We started playing and getting to know each other over a 2 week period, we were both really into each other and both had the same wants and desired in a relationship.  Everything seemed to go swimmingly.... then.... The ex non BDSM non sub/slave girlfriend came back into his life.  The one he left because he realized he needed a sub because he is a Dom (and some other issued).... I was ignored for 2 weeks... I felt horrible because I didn't know what was going on. 

He finally explained everything to me and I understand... he admits he screwed up and handled the situation very badly...but... would I like to join him and his now non-ex in a poly type household, because he still really wants me as his sub.  His non-ex is open minded and has played kinky before, but wants him all to herself, however she also understands (begrudginly) that he needs/wants a sub in his life, me.

We met for the first time and it went horribly... she was so angry at the situation.  We tried playing together and it was so empty feeling... The only one who really enjoyed themself was the Dom.  He apologized afterward saying he thought it would help matters if we played and see if we could all get along... I want so badly to be with him and am very open to trying to get along with his non-ex, but if she doesn't want to get along with me and will put up a hissy fit everytime what can i do.... i know i couldn't stay in a relationship like that (drama every time he wants to see me).... he thinks she will get over it in time... I feel I am fairly good at reading people i call it my sub sense... i don't think she will get over it... i think she will make him choose and i will be the odd person out... I feel so confused, frustrated, anxious, but at the same time hopful that things will work out so i can be with him....

I really just needed to vent, feel free to say what ever... i feel like i'm just fooling myself that things will work out and i will get to stay with this Dom.... however i'm terrified in the end.... i won't.... i do feel like a complete fool
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:24:56 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		Honestly, I'd just cut my losses now.  I think its pretty obvious where his loyalties lie and its not with you.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

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The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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(in reply to justnewsub)
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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:25:50 PM   
mastervalentine


Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry, but I feel... you shouldn't have to compete with someone else like that. You shouldn't have to share the attentions of someone who doesn't know what they want, with a person who doesn't want to accept you.

I can't choose for you, but I honestly believe you should move on, before you are hurt any worse.

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:27:29 PM   
kanokano


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/13/2006
From: CT, USA
Status: offline 		something similar happened to me a few months ago, almost identical, but different sexes. my GF at the time started hanging out with an ex of 3 years, reobtained feelings for him, and left me.  once she realized it was a mistake, wanted to get back.  do what i did, say no, at least until he figures out exactly what he wants.

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:35:23 PM   
Arrrchibald


Posts: 350
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
I have found the most wonderful Dom. 

No you haven't. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
am i just fooling myself??

Yes you are. 



(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:37:30 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arrrchibald

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
I have found the most wonderful Dom. 

No you haven't. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
am i just fooling myself??

Yes you are. 





Read and repeat as often as needed!!!

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to Arrrchibald)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:38:45 PM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		I guess that is the hard part... he really wants me, but he also wants her... from what i understand when they decided to get back together it was with the understanding that he would need to have a sub in his life.  I think she thought it would be on a "maintenance" kinda deal, where when he really needs an outlet then i'm there... But from what i understood from all our discussions i was going to become part of their lives... the 3rd person in.... She can't seem to handle it and kept blowing up when we all met... He thinks she is just really afraid that i will replace her... and she needs time to adjust... i think she is going to act out everytime we meet until he is forced to choose either her or me.... he claims he would choose me, but i have my doubts... maybe just a lack of self confidence... I got the impression from her that I am a passing phase, the impression from him is that he is in it for the long term, wants to make a relationship out of it...

(in reply to kanokano)
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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:42:32 PM   
Gemini1766


Posts: 991
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		He wants his cake and to be able to eat it, too.
Unworkable.
Pack your bags and say good bye. Tell him he can call you when he's done with her, for good. And to be quick about it as you will be looking for a new Dom, one that doesn't have such an issue to work through.

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:44:39 PM   
kanokano


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/13/2006
From: CT, USA
Status: offline 		he says he wants to choose you, and he tells the other girl he chooses her...take it from a guy that knows this game.
leave him...find another dom...itll be easy,a nd hell be better

(in reply to Gemini1766)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:49:28 PM   
MissMenagerie


Posts: 66
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline 		Well, here are your options:

The Grandious Self-Respect: Tell Him that you are wonderful and SO MUST HE BE if He wants to keep getting what He's had from you. Pros: No more fretting. Do or Die, WILL be resolved. Cons: Might not be resolved the way you want.

The Subversive Submissive: Use your wiles against another woman. Agree with everything He says, give Him everything He wants, and make the other woman sound awful. After enough stress, she will probably accidentally help you with that. Pros: You'll probably get what you want. Cons: You're going to drive a woman crazy, and have to help Him through some heartbreak.

The Greyhound: Run like hell. Pros: No more problems. Cons: No more Him.

So, take a long shower, think it over, and decide what's best.

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:50:34 PM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Looks to me like he's got a sweet deal...the non-ex and you...if he can't or won't see that this isn't going to work, he must be blind.
 
Cut your losses now..he isn't the only one out there, you deserve someone who isn't so selfish and selfabsorbed. It won't get better, whatever this non-ex says she doesn't want you there, she wants him all to herself.
 
Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267



(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 5:51:45 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		All you ever needed to know is here:

quote:

  but... would I like to join him and his now non-ex in a poly type household, because he still really wants me as his sub.  His non-ex is open minded and has played kinky before, but wants him all to herself,


You're an unwanted extra in a relationship he already has and puts first.  This isn't ever going to work.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:01:29 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemini1766

He wants his cake and to be able to eat it, too.
Unworkable.
Pack your bags and say good bye. Tell him he can call you when he's done with her, for good. And to be quick about it as you will be looking for a new Dom, one that doesn't have such an issue to work through.





I'm sorry you're going thru this, but it's a learning experience. Everyone has given excellent advice....re-read this entire thread and then do what you know it right.

(in reply to Gemini1766)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:04:23 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		You are new to the BDSM scene? Don't settle for the first Dom who catches your eye. And don't settle for anything in the relationship side of things that you wouldn't have settled for in a vanilla relationship. I'm presuming this would include having another woman hanging on his other arm.

It sounds to me as though this Dom wants the best of both worlds - the vanilla girlfriend for whom he appears to have some feelings, and a sub on call for when he wants one. He may say he wants you to be happy with one another, but if he really knew women, he wouldn't expect that. The best that would happen is that his attention would be divided, and he would be unable to give to either of you the full breadth of a relationship.

You really can do better. Perhaps it is as well that this happened so early in your relationship. Makes it easier to cut the ties.

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:20:24 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub

I have found the most wonderful Dom. 

Wonderful how? His actions have put you in a position where you're miserable. She's obviously the one with the power and you get to be the piece of ass.

quote:

 he thinks she will get over it in time
And he's shown that he's such an expert of the female psyche so far.......

Honestly, you'd be better just cutting your losses now. The Ex has the control of the relationship (which doesn't say much as a Dominant) and I'm willing to bet that you'll get nothing but heartache out of staying.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to justnewsub)
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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:26:12 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		The ex doesn't want to deal with it. She thought you would go away. She will never accept you and make your life miserable. He's hurt you and betrayed your trust. Now he isn't considering your feelings in this whole mess. This is just wrong on so many levels.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:32:46 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Awww, the poor guy.  Here he was, THIS close to having it all........

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:32:51 PM   
hsagnev


Posts: 188
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		Okay, this is just *my* opinion and I could be dead wrong on this advice, but my gut feeling is to abort altogether and make a clean break.  I understand you have feelings and that it's hard, but don't hurt yourself more than is needed.  I think he should have been a lot more decisive on this.  This just isn't cool if you ask me.  IMHO.

David

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:32:55 PM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with everything thats said so far. While Poly does work for some people... in some situations... Its usually a recipe for disaster, if all parties involved dont want it. I would look for a new Dom. I know its a hard choice, but you can do it, and when you do you can look for someone worth you. Who cares about your wants and needs and respects you. Not just what you give him when he wants it.

< Message edited by hopelessfool -- 3/23/2008 6:34:21 PM >

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/23/2008 6:33:11 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Hang on.. you've found this Dom, right? Originally it was meant to be you and him right - as in Dom and female sub? And now he's taken his non submissive female girlfriend back and wants you both together, right? She's not happy with you in the relationship right? But he wants you, and you don't know what to do?

Forgive me for asking, but if he's Dom but needs vanilla, then why can't you be sub and also his vanilla partner?

This is actually the plot of one of my plays entitled 'Switch'. I'm not going to give away the ending, but I would ask the OP to stop and think about what she's getting herself into.

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