puella
Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
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This is uncannily similar to my former situation....
Get out now. I will start with this important phrase to you as it is what you need to do (and if you think I am glibly tossing this out to you, you are wrong. I learned the answer to your problem the hard way...I made all the wrong choices in the same situation and had to pay for it, the hard way). If you do not, I can assure you that you are headed for a very bumpy and costly road... and that cost will come out of you. As many here can no doubt recall with some annoyance, it took me nearly three years to get over being in the same situation you are about to put yourself in. It robbed me of all sense of self, self worth and the ability to find happiness in anything, even the people and things I used to love.
He already ignored you for two weeks. Let me tell you what it is going to feel like when he ignores you while you are right there with him, doing everything you can to please him and she is demanding all his time... and he is capitulating... You are going to feel like you are not good enough. That no matter how much you work, try, love and give, you are not good enough... and no matter how little she tries...he always goes back to her once he gets a quick fix from you.
In fact...you will not be enough for him...if that were the case, he would never have taken her back. What he wants is some sort of fantasy land. What he really wants is for her to be more like you in spirit and devotion...if she will not (or can not) do that for him, if he has a little crack pipe he can take a hit from now and again when she allows it to ensure the longevity of their relationship... you are permitted to be there.. and hey... she probably won't have to do any housework or any of the unsavory (in her opinion) sexual chores either... so it will all work out well for everyone... but you.
You are right about your relationship with the other woman. It is never going to get better, in fact....it will get much much, much worse.
She will never like you (and why the hell should she????), and though he says that he wants you two to get along, the way he has brought you two together plainly belies that fact and reveals any lack of ambition in making that relationship work. He doesn't need it to work...in fact, in some ways, it works better for him if it does not. Two chicks unified with gripes against him is far worse than one. Far better for him to have them both pitted against each other to allow him to be the one they go to for everything good. This will make him quite the christ-like figure in this relationship.
And he has conveniently told this ex he is taking back that you will be the sub, something he needs. Do you think that will not make you sub to her as well? If you think otherwise, you are blind. She has not shown any proficiency with submitting and giving over to be pleasing...and you have...you will be her sub too, and women topping women they do not like and for whom they have adversarial feelings is a toxic combo. You will be quite surprised at how quickly and how deftly she will work your head over...do not forget... she has known him longer than you, and without your blinders of devotion in 'the new D/s relationship'. Not only will you be easy pickings as a pleaser-type, he is a known commodity to her and she will know all the angles to work.
Stop.
Are you fooling yourself…. Well, yes, but you are doing so under the direct guidance of the man you are thinking of as your dominant.
Stop.
It has only been what, a month on the outside?
Stop now.
I didn't.
I gave up everything (financial, yes but more costly was the emotional give) and had to return, quite ruined, to my family for complete mending. That is a pretty awful place to be as an adult, but I literally had nowhere else to go, and left alone…I do not know what I would have done to myself in the end…a long spiral down into nothingness, is what I greatly suspect would have happened to me.
My friends and family didn't know who I was when I returned. In fact, they were so worried that it took an enormous toll on all of them, just trying to help facilitate my recovery, just looking at me.
It destroyed my soul and the only thing that brought me back was a 3 year, self imposed solitary confinement, keeping myself away from all people, except for the necessary contact at work, and after a long time, a quite extraordinary person who never demanded anything of me until I healed enough to inspire the hunger to beg for it again (and yes, a lot of good--and some hard--advice from the smarter folks here on Collarme--you know who you are!)...and not everyone gets that lucky, doll.
You are having misgivings now. They are there for a reason. Stop. Stop now. Use your head and turn your heart off for a second, fellow need-to-pleaser.
You will not end up pleasing anyone in the end of it all. He will feel hurt and betrayed that you could not put up with all the emotional abuse from her (and him), and question whether you are a “real” submissive for not being willing to destroy yourself for him. She will always resent you and work to get you away from "her man", even if she will now have an extra income added to the household (of which you do not get to spend without permission) and a free live in cook, cleaner and and receptical for her wrath (which is probably greatly being fueled by having to share her man with you) and the parts of him which she doesn’t care for (his “Dom” side… though I question his dominance in that relationship). And you…you are going to hate yourself most of all for failing everyone... and that includes you, and the people who will have to put up with the shadow-you that they drag home to try to help put the mangled pieces back together when this thing comes to its inevitable, catastrophic end.
Stop.
< Message edited by puella -- 3/24/2008 6:43:48 AM >
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We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce
"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta
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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 
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