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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 5:03:00 AM

ThunderRoad

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It's really simple. Walk away. If it's meant to be, he'll get his shit together and come back to you, but until his life is drama free and free of obligations to others, there doesn't seem to be a place for you in it.

Move on - you can do better.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 7:41:27 AM

travelgman

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Is the Dom your talking about new to having subs? And just because you had two wonderful weeks with him does not mean he isn't. It sounds to me like he is fairly new to all of this and has gotten caught up in all the possibilities open to him. Control and power over someone are strong feelings. It is very easy to get lost in the emotions and start planning relationships with multiple partners that are really beyond your capability to handle.

I know you said your two weeks with this Dom were great. But two weeks is not a lot of time if you set back and think about it. He has already shown you that he is not going to be satisfied with one girl. What happens when he finds another sub who catches his eye? Is he going to try to work her into the unit as well?

This person is exploring all the possibilities of the lifestyle. Which would be ok. If he was upfront and honest about it. But instead he is stringing you along. While he works out his own needs and wants. He may not even mean to be using you or hurting you. He probably thinks he can make it work. But that doesn't help you any. As he is obviously deluding himself.

It also remains to be seen. If he is actually a Dom or just a guy who found a kinky outlet for his sexual fantasies. I know you see him as a Dom but other than the two weeks you mentioned when you were with him. It seems the ex is really the one in control of this relationship. And to be blunt. If she is his main girl. You are replaceable.

As for the two wonderful weeks you mention. The first few weeks are the magic time. Everything is new and fresh. You spend almost all your time exploring each others kinks. No offense meant to you. But two good weeks. Do not make a permanent relationship. And you sound like you are wanting more than just play time with a Dom. That you want a relationship that goes beyond just the sexual. And that is the hard part as you are learning. Keeping a relationship alive when your not doing all those fun kinky things takes effort on both the Dom and Subs part.. And I just don't see this guy putting the effort into it that would be needed. He seems like he is just in it for the good times. Which many are and would be fine and dandy. If he didn't present himself as a Dom who would be there for you beyond the fun and games.

You had two great weeks that gave you a taste of something you want more of. Take that experience and go find someone that will be honest with you and who is looking for the same kind of relationship that you are.

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Post #: 62

RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 8:20:47 AM

parttimehotty

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Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arrrchibald

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
I have found the most wonderful Dom.

No you haven't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
am i just fooling myself??

Yes you are.

Read and repeat as often as needed!!!

***What they said****

It sounds like he just wants 2 women to f**k him or each other and might end up playing one against the other and from the original post, guess who'd come up short??? He's trying to force the other woman into a poly relationship when it's so OBVIOUS she wants nothing to do w/you? Not a good beginning and it can only lead to an UGLY ending.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 7:55:46 PM

justnewsub

Posts: 127
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travelgman you hit the nail on the head!

so here is the update: i had been letting this "dom" know that i was very uncomfortable with the situation and it seemed to me that his ex was calling all the shots... his come back was do you really think i would let her be in control.... um yeah obviously she is (didn't say that tho)....

so she got upset they had a huge fight, he told her he didn't want to see her again... a few hours later they were talking again and he is doing his best to be sure she is comfortabel about the situation... in the mean time i'm told to just wait and be patient...

i let him know i was feeling pretty darn hurt right now and really needed some support and comfort his come back was what do you want me to do.... um comfort me, reassure me...

we got off the phone with me in tears...

didn't hear back from him for the rest of the night... why? cuz he was talking to her.... i guess she needed more comfort them me (

)

so we talked for a bit today... i asked when i was going to get to see him... he said it's complicated... he has to be sensitive to her right now... i just have to be patient... i told him i was being patient, but i can only do so much and i didn't like the way she treated him and how he kept choosing her feelings over mine, and how if he wanted to be my dom so badly then he needed to give me a little attention.... he said i was being very unsubly and pushing him... then he told me he needed some space and not to call or e-mail him the rest of tonight....

my response at this point is FUCKING BASTARD oh I'm sorry is that unsubly of me??!!!???
i'm done... i'm walking away with what is left of my dignity.... i need to brush off my knees, clean my mouth, pull up my panties, and sit and think about things for a bit.

Thank you all for listening to me vent, wine, and carry on....

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 7:58:17 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's not unsubly of you- but you allowed and agreed to his behavior completely up until this point. You told both him and yourself that this was good behavior, this was acceptable and that you wanted MORE. Don't try and shift it all on him or you'll just do it again to yourself.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 8:00:12 PM

justnewsub

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you are very right... i do blame myself also... i should have stood up to him... i am still learning... i find it hard at times to stand up to a Dom, but i think for all to be happy in the end... i need to learn to do this

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/25/2008 8:42:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's not standing up to a dom, it's standing up for yourself.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/26/2008 10:57:07 AM

travelgman

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There is nothing wrong in walking away from someone who is just usiing the title of Dom to get his jollies off. Unless you totally break ties with him. He will more than likely try and get you back several times over the coming months. As his relationship with the ex goes up and down. Do not fall for this ploy. Even though as you say. It may be hard for you to say no to him. You can find someone who you will be more than just a side dish for.

"Let the broken hearts stand as the price you gotta pay -
Keep pushin till its understood and these Badlands start
treating us good." - Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/26/2008 10:30:48 PM

TethersEnd

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There comes a time when ~unsubly~ is percieved cause you are setting limits to fill YOUR NEEDS that are NOT falling into the grand plan...... Personally I think this is a real good time to ponder what your needs really are (as i'm sure you've been doing)
then as you said brush off your knees, clean your mouth and pull up your panties as you tell him that HE has abused his responsibility to YOU. ............ The best part of this plan is that you have now taught him a small lesson in respect, like the respect he expects out of you.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/27/2008 6:53:32 AM

ThunderRoad

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And more importantly, you now know yourself better and what you need in a relationship. Next time, you'll be better able to lay that out at the beginning so that your partner knows your expectations and needs.

All experiences should be learning experiences, especially the bad ones.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/27/2008 7:07:08 AM

OsideGirl

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Good for you. Now that you've made the decision, stick to your guns. Don't have contact with him. He'll just use it to suck you back in. Be prepared to be told "You're not a real submissive". It's the battle cry of "Doms" that don't know how to be dominant.

My second piece of advice would be: If he comes back to you saying their relationship is over, don't go back to him. He's not going to change and he's already shown that he believes that you're a second class citizen.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/28/2008 10:58:47 AM

HISgrlTRUGor

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** thinks maybe the Dom perhaps does not understand the definition of poly household and what the term entails and requires **

** just gives her a big hug and encouraging her to follow her heart AND her head **

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 3/28/2008 12:57:58 PM

SayaNereida

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* have not read whole thread, so if I'm repeating I apologize

Hi just,

First, he ignored you for 2 weeks without explaination. When he finally re-appears he explains that an ex came back into his life and he agreed to rekindle a relationship with her without at least talking to you first.

Now, he says he is poly and he wants you and the 'vanilla' non-ex to co-exist peacefully.

The non-ex is not cool with it, and is in fact making his and your life difficult and miserable.

You are willing to try and he says she 'just needs time', after 'pushing' the 2 of you to play and she became angry.

Well, the first thing I'd suggest, is talk to her. Tell her what about your relationship with him, no necisarily the kinky but the fact that you began one. Explain that HE is the one suggesting the 3 of you be involved. Tell her your feelings and ask her what her's are. Find out, by talking one to one with her.

Personally, I'd have difficulty with the 2 weeks of abandonment, returning with the non-ex, and then suggesting a poly situation. However, it is possible, with a great deal of honest open communication between all of you, that it could work.

It is also possible that SHE will never accept it and continue to make things miserable; forcing him to make a choice.

IF a choice comes, it really could go either way.

But let me ask you this:
IF you stay, and their relationship ends and he chooses you, do you trust him not to do this again?

Saya

*Edited because I just finished reading. Good luck as you move on

< Message edited by SayaNereida -- 3/28/2008 1:00:42 PM >

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 4/18/2011 5:42:01 PM

CASAmaster

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If he is a Dom, then he needs to get on with the business of settling down his vanilla mate, or getting rid of her. Think twice my dear about choosing a Dom who can not control a household, especially if you are thinking about moving into a poly situation.

The discord of a Dom not controling the slaves in his house, brings back stabbing and discontent. In the long run, your happiness is at stake. If you are questioning now the validity of his feelings for you and the ability he has of controling things . . . you need to decide.

You also need to be fair to him and be open with him about your concerns, what you see as the failings of the the choices you have all made thus far. Maybe within that discussion a truth will be discovered that will lead to a new direction for you all.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 4/18/2011 7:42:50 PM

SailingBum

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This thread was started in 2008 hopefully she has resolved this issue.

BadOne

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 4/19/2011 2:10:02 AM

DeviantlyD

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

This thread was started in 2008 hopefully she has resolved this issue.

BadOne

I know!

I started reading this thread from the beginning and just about had a heart attack when I saw one of those postings was from someone I had gotten to know eons ago, but I thought had left "the scene". Then I saw the date. Relief, but sadness, all at the same time.

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RE: am i just fooling myself?? - 4/19/2011 2:24:13 AM

ranja

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assuming a moderator will see this thread and lock it:
as opening an old thread is 'frowned upon' why is it even possible for new people to make this mistake?

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