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RE: Married DOM"S - 4/14/2008 10:36:55 AM

Luciferica

Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline

My question is how can you hide who you are from the person your supposed to be with for the rest of your life, how do you know they won't accept you if you don't tell them, marriage is a big deal so why not try to share the joys of BDSM and if you can't , then ask what your beloved's common ground is on it, but don't lie and pretend to be someone your not to the person you lay down next to every night...

_____________________________

We always hurt the ones we love, the difference is how much they enjoy it.

(in reply to SeaDogret)

Post #: 41

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/14/2008 10:40:31 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Talking to a married Dom... no problem there assuming He isn't fucking around behind His wifes back... given so much of what We do is based on trust, how can you trust someone who would lie to the person they are supposed to have made such a commitment to?

If you are talking to him in the hope of enticing him away from his wife... if you can entice him then, if you get him, won't you always be wondering when (not if) someone will entice him from you?

Don't play games, they have a tendency to bite you in the ass.... if you do and it happens... don't bother looking for sympathy because karmas a bitch and you'd just be reaping what you sewed.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to lmystery)

Post #: 42

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/18/2008 1:26:35 PM

StrictMaster979

Posts: 23
Joined: 1/19/2008
Status: offline

I think you can make it work with a married dom, but you have to analyse what it is you want.
If you want him alone, he and you alone, then you wont get that.
If you want a relationship, friendship, fun, best buds, including bdsm (dom/sub) then you can get that. Some doms compartimalize their lives, one for family, one for friendship, both for fun, this kind can be of use to you, as long as you dont need the former.
But please be careful about your own needs, be honest, be thorough, because you can get hurt real bad.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 43

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/18/2008 1:32:36 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

My question is why is the op polling others to decide what her relationship should be?
What about viewing it in light of your own ethical boundaries?

Or does she propose to poll everyone if she should call him Captain instead of Sir, if that's what her future dom prefers?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to StrictMaster979)

Post #: 44

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/19/2008 9:24:46 AM

roland23

Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

I am not sure what constitutes cheating. Penetration? Spanking? Verbal training? Meeting someone for coffee? Looking? Looking at CollarMe?

Will somebody please define "cheating."?

Many Thanks!

(in reply to SeaDogret)

Post #: 45

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/19/2008 9:56:49 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictMaster979

I think you can make it work with a married dom, but you have to analyse what it is you want.
If you want him alone, he and you alone, then you wont get that.
If you want a relationship, friendship, fun, best buds, including bdsm (dom/sub) then you can get that. Some doms compartimalize their lives, one for family, one for friendship, both for fun, this kind can be of use to you, as long as you dont need the former.
But please be careful about your own needs, be honest, be thorough, because you can get hurt real bad.

My thinking runs along those lines... .

My thoughts also include the premise that in such arrangements (where lives are compartmentalized) that beyond knowing s/he is married their relationship with their spouse is none of my business.

But be honest with yourself about what you want/need... .

(in reply to StrictMaster979)

Post #: 46

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/19/2008 11:55:35 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Luciferica

My question is how can you hide who you are from the person your supposed to be with for the rest of your life, how do you know they won't accept you if you don't tell them, marriage is a big deal so why not try to share the joys of BDSM and if you can't , then ask what your beloved's common ground is on it, but don't lie and pretend to be someone your not to the person you lay down next to every night...

Very well said!! Wish I had read that before my bdsm affair, but all is well with Hubby now.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Luciferica)

Post #: 47

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/19/2008 12:37:30 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

in your question is your answer.....which we always be more true than anything we have to say....

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 48

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/20/2008 10:29:15 AM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

Take this outside the "married" context and it can work fine, so long as you do not want or need "exclusivity".

I play with a number of different subs, each of whom knows that I play with others. No real problems - each of them is keen (I'm reasonably sure!) to play with me and I'm keen to play with them.

Drawback of course is that with none of them do we have the sort of relationship which a purely monogamous couple can enjoy; but in each case we do have a very, very close relationship (sheesh - you don't get much closer than having a naked girl wanting you to whip her or own her, even if "temporarily"). It's a bit like the fact that you can love your mother and your father, or you can feel really close to a number of close friends.

So my point is that he can offer you a lot, even tho married.

Your situation is different from polyamory, but not much. But as for the "does the wife know" bit, well that's between the various parties and is a quite different aspect. And as for "can I, should I, tempt him away from his wife" - well that's for you to judge.

(in reply to lmystery)

Post #: 49

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/25/2008 7:10:57 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

I met my former Master when i was brand-new to the lifestyle. Our agreement was for him to show me the ropes so to speak so that i would have a better idea of what i do/don't like in terms of BDSM. I knew he was married to a completely vanilla woman right from the start and there was no question of having a relationship.

Then the unthinkable happened - we fell for each other. Of course we broke up, there was no way either of us would go behind his wife's back. We lasted 2 weeks. So we decided to be friends, surprise,surprise that didn't work. So we said goodbye again. We agreed that our only contact would be the occasional email.

Well it's been 4 months since we've seen each other and about 2 since the last email, yet the attraction is still there. He contacted me saying that he can't do without having a slave, the need is too strong and he can't ignore it any longer. So we are planning on getting back together in a Master/slave context only. That's fine with me, i don't want a bf or husband, i have never been happier than during the time he would pick me up, we would play for a few hours, then he would drop me off and go home to his wife. I don't want more and i'm not stupid or naive enough to expect more.

He has agreed to think about it while i'm healing from this stupid tendonitis in my hip as i want him to be absolutely positive before deciding to do this. Personally i don't think it'll happen. I think in the end he'll decide that he can't go behind his wife's back. We decided to do this once before and he couldn't do it then.

Meantime, we are having supper together tomorrow - talk nothing more. We can't do more even if we wanted to because i would end up crippled if we did. I cannot recall looking forward to anything more. I've missed the long talks we used to have as much as i miss our playing together.

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Luciferica)

Post #: 50

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/29/2008 6:18:54 AM

LittleSecret

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

     My experience with a married Dom has been good, but if you want more I wouldnt' advise being with a married Dom if
the wife doesn't know about you.   The wife comes first, and your always on the side.   And from what other posters have said
your the first to go if something happens... And, if you think he's going to leave his wife for you think again! He made his choice
when he said his vows to his wife.   They will tell you all sorts of reasons why they can't leave there wife...one is divorce is too costly..
I believe that if two people truly want to be together they'd find a way..... but, putting materal things first is a lame excuse and should
be a red flag that your never going to be together.    For some being a secret is fine, but for others its not good, and will end in heart-break

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 51

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/29/2008 6:50:12 AM

Ellsa

Posts: 37
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: minnesota
Status: offline

The trouble with "married's", as I call them, is that their is a third party involved. When a Dom is married and will not free himself, he is submissive to the wife, bank account(too costly) or whatever other excuse he has. If wife does not know/approve of his activities, there is that third party that can be hurt, not to mention the smaller, younger, fourth (or more) parties.
It also implies cowardice.
There are plenty of us out here in collarchat land who have had to start all over at square one financially, emotionally or otherwise. Sometimes more than once. We are the ones who know it is worth it.

(in reply to LittleSecret)

Post #: 52

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/29/2008 7:20:27 AM

LittleSecret

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

You are so right Ellsa,   I never thought of the Dom being Submissive to his wife, or assets.   But that seems to be
the case with married Doms that won't divorce.   I believe that most married Doms are filling a void in there
lives with a sub/slave.   The wife isn't interested in the lifestyle for one reason or other, but he's happy with
his home life in all other aspects.    I believe that trust is important, I know he's not being trustworthy to his wife..
but he is being up front and honest with me from the beginning.   He did say in the beginning that he doesn't
intend to divorce his wife. He says he loves me...must not be enough though..lol    I"m ok with it, but sometimes
I feel I want more..   I know thats not going to happen..thats why I"d advise people not to get involved
with married Doms....I'd give up everything for him, but I doubt he would for me.... that hurts the most.

(in reply to Ellsa)

Post #: 53

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/29/2008 7:59:18 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

I think that a lot of married "doms" happen to be pussy whipped husbands. So they come to places like this to cheat-and hope they can feel like a man again.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to lmystery)

Post #: 54

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/29/2008 8:31:12 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

CT I love those cute little Yoda ears you have.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 55

RE: Married DOM"S - 4/29/2008 8:33:31 AM

Ellsa

Posts: 37
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: minnesota
Status: offline

Dear LittleSecret,
Just remember Doms like that are dime a dozen....and maybe, just maybe, you are not.
ellsa

(in reply to LittleSecret)

Post #: 56

RE: Married DOM"S - 5/3/2008 8:12:09 AM

yours4keepz

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/29/2007
Status: offline

Imystery,

you have to know exactly what you need. it could work if you don't need to be with him every day, if you don't fall in love with him, if you don't care about spending holidays with him, if you don't mind not being able to go to his place, or surprise him with something at home, or meet his friends or family, etc.
on the other hand if you connect with him and want those things and want to be his #1 then i wouldn't advise getting involved.
best of luck, and take care of yourself.

(in reply to lmystery)

Post #: 57

RE: Married DOM"S - 5/3/2008 8:31:53 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I am not sure what constitutes cheating. Penetration? Spanking? Verbal training? Meeting someone for coffee? Looking? Looking at CollarMe?

Will somebody please define "cheating."?

Many Thanks!

Secretly giving something to another that rightfully belongs to your partner. Whether it is attention, affection, love, lust, money, time or physical attention. If you have to lie to the one you're with in order to do it, you are cheating.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to roland23)

Post #: 58

RE: Married DOM"S - 5/3/2008 9:25:14 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

There was a time, when I was young(er) and stupid(er), that I was flirting with a married woman, married to a friend of mine's brother, actually.

This friend informed me of her status, and I made the statement "I didn't make any vows- that's his problem, or her problem, but it's not my problem."

I still feel that way- for short term, one time, or anything that isn't going to require a commitment. Whether or not the other person is married, in a relationship, whatever isn't my concern. But for a long-term relationship, then I do care... so that'd be the only question I'd ask myself.

Since it seems like you do want it to be long-term, then I'd have to say his being married would be an issue for me.

As always, just my (not entirely) humble opinion.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to lmystery)

Post #: 59

RE: Married DOM"S - 5/7/2008 8:30:28 PM

justaDallasgirl

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/7/2008
From: the Rock
Status: offline

at first i was put off at Him being married but at not finding anyone else on CM i threw caution to the wind and sessioned with Him.

that first session was amazing and although He and i will never be together romantically...i am so grateful for what He gives me. release! an outlet for bdsm and valuable training :-) i do not feel like i am missing out on anything and it's really great. i get used in a good way ;-) and i am satisfied from the control

_____________________________

i'm just a girl enjoying her place at Master's waist ;-)

(in reply to lmystery)

Post #: 60

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