Are doms so insecure... (Full Version)

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xxblushesxx -> Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:06:58 AM)

...or subs/slaves so unsure of themselves that they will not let anyone of the opposite sex contact them?
Personally, I have enjoyed (non-sexual) conversation with both men and women on the collarme side of the site. But I've noticed that many women say that c-mail from men will be deleted unread, and/or that their daddy or master will deal with them.

I guess if it works for you...but, honestly, I think you lose out on friendships and other views due to the fact that someone has, or does not have, something between their legs. Seems a rather flimsy basis on which to deny a friendship.

I also wonder a bit about doms who order their subs/slaves/pets to write this in their profile. If you are a dom, and if you are secure with what you own, why would you worry about your property having a conversation with someone of the opposite sex? Does your property have to refrain from talking to the opposite sex while at work? If she sells real estate, can she only sell to and from women?

It's very seldom that I receive a 'troll' c-mail from a man. Quite often though, gentlemen will write to me to either clarify, compliment or disagree with something I've posted. I also get complimentary c-mails on my smile, or something I'm wearing in my pics. I thank them usually, and that is the end of it. HoneyMaster is secure in the knowledge that I am owned, and doesn't even bother to read my c-mail, let alone dictate it.

So, I guess I'm just curious as to why someone would order something like this if they are secure with themselves and with theirs; I'm also a little baffled as to why someone would miss out on another's opinion just because of that person's sex...



SNoB -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:13:42 AM)

I think its a bit crazy too.  It means you dont trust your submissive if you make them delete any type of mail without looking at it.  One of the reasons my submissive and I are on this site is we are looking to establish more friends in the local scene, and help people get involved in the local community.   Since she gets more emails than me (go figure a cute girl gets more messages than my ugly ass)  she has more opertunity to invite people to local events and munches.



Dnomyar -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:25:02 AM)

I think that some of these Dom's have a hard time finding a sub. When they do luck out they go into a Don Quixtoe mode and start fighting windmills.



DesFIP -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:26:34 AM)

I'll talk nonsexually to anyone. I don't flirt with a single dom because I think that's a gray area. But a question re a forum post, those I've had lots of conversations about. However, someone who doesn't post, who only wants to know where I am, what I like kink/sexwise, just says "wanna chat", I'm not interested.

On another site my profile says if you want to talk sexually, consult him, and he'll tell you no. But I added it myself in an attempt to cut down on the HNG mail. Anyway, my point is that I bet lots of other women write they aren't allowed to talk to other doms for the same reason, not because they were ordered to, but because it's effective in getting rid of unwanted cock pics and such.



MladyHathor -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:30:17 AM)

because they can and because some submissive will say, " ok Master, or ok Mistress"----this life does not instill, insure, or institue perceived rational thinking--and when one is desparate for company---all thought goes out the window--



toservez -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:43:04 AM)

I believe insecurity of our other leaving us for another runs through this life at a pretty high level and a much greater percentage then most other couple dynamics. I think anyone who does not think the whole obedience and suffering has a strong undertone of if I do this or if I see this other person do this for me that soothes our insecurity is fooling themselves.

All people have insecurities and for most of us they are perfectly healthy ones but some people it goes into unhealthy security and that to me is what you might see when dominants will not let their submissives write and monitor all communication.

As far as a submissive who does it on their own it always sounds to me as self esteem issue or a little online role playing.

Also for both cases this can be perfectly healthy way of control that both people get something out of. The only real way of knowing is case by case basis where you truly know their motivations for doing it.



MMMMudd -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:50:21 AM)

It's one of those weird ironies to me how so many things don't change when you add an element of  kink. People are the same when they are in leather as they are out of it. 



DesFIP -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:55:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

As far as a submissive who does it on their own it always sounds to me as self esteem issue or a little online role playing.



By no means. It costs him nothing for me to add this, and it saves me lots of unwanted email. Win/win for us.



orfunboi -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 6:57:26 AM)

I have a note in my profile saying I don't want email from men. This doesn't mean I want no interaction with men. I have a lot of male friends and have no problem with them. When I first came on cm, I had no such note and recieved all kinds of emails from idiots who had no clue what "lesbian" means. I got sick of the ignorance and put the note in my profile. I still get occasional mail from the real clueless, but for the most part its stopped.

I guess you might be right about me missing out on someone's opinion, but since most of the emails consisted of "Do you like spankings and/or enemas?" and "will you show me how to fuck a lady" I'm not going to spend much time worrying about it.



Cuffkinks -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:11:19 AM)

                                                                          This has been discussed many times here already. [sm=beatdeadhorse.gif]
                                                                                          (LA...Where are you?)

  I started out with My little girl's mailbox open to all who want to send. We've been together for just over two years now and we do want to make more friends in the lifestyle. But when she was getting rude, offensive e-mails one after another, it eventually started to upset her. I had to step in. I see that as part of My responsibilty.
 It started out that I would read her "blue" mail first, delete the garbage and leave anything of value. But that got old fast. Just too much of the same rude, offensive crap, over and over. So now, all her "blue" mail is sent to her bulk folder. She is not to go into her bulk folder. I read the "blue" mail and if there is anything of value there I will inform her.
  Am I insecure? Hardly. Do I trust her? Absolutely. But why would I want her to be upset and waste her time and energy fending off countless requests, offers, and even demands from people? (Mostly male, but there have been some females to rank up there in the rude department as well.) That's time and energy that can and should be spent doing what she does best...serving Me. Her profile clearly states who she belongs to and what anyone can do to get a message to her. Anyone with something interesting to say can always write to Me.
  Flame away if you will. I don't see this changing any time soon.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:16:29 AM)

i use to have that written in my profile (any cmail sent will be deleted unread) only because Daddy and i were first starting out within our D/s dynamic. it was done for me not Daddy as i gradually trusted Him as a friend then as my Dominant.

Daddy doesn't get jealous if i'm chatting with other dominants or make friends with them. He knows how much of a flirt i can be. and even though i'm collared and owned, He has never once asked for my CM password (or any passwords to other adult/email sites) to check behind me.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:30:17 AM)

But, how much energy does it really take to delete/block? Even when I was first here, and getting tons of mail, I very seldom received an offensive one; and when I did, I just iggied and blocked them.

I didn't need protection then, and I don't need it now, and I would have missed out on a lot had I deleted/blocked them without reading what they had to say.

(oh, and I apologize for starting a thread topic that, apparently isn't brand new. It's not something I've actually read before, and I was curious)



Gemini1766 -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:30:23 AM)

I see no reason why I should feel it necessary to limit a sub, of mine, to whom they contact, UNLESS there was a specific person that caused distress. Then that person would individually be blocked.

Insecure, sure, I'm human, but not about a submissive. I figure if you can poach a submissive from under me, then I am either doing something wrong, we had the wrong dynamic and someone isn't communicating well, or the submissive was not really worth my effort. I'll make no attempt to get such a sub back. Nor would I take such a sub back.

Screw me over once, shame on you.
Screw me over twice, shot me I deserve it.



Justme696 -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:31:07 AM)

When i mail a sub/slave because I like something I read in her profile, I get replies like " you live to far away". So I reply back..well that is why the internet is so handy...I don't need to visit you to talk.
I don't want anything from people, besides a nice chat. But afther many of such replies...and knowing there are many asses on here also (both D aswell s) the fun of contacting people goes away.



Gemini1766 -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:36:44 AM)

I do that a lot myself Justme. I will see an interesting post or avatar  and perv the person's profile and send a short note saying "hey, had to check you out after seeing your post/avatar."
I get replys from most, and all of those are good and positive. Then again, I make people smile so no surprize. Hell I got an unexpected cmail from a sub this morning telling me to "fuck off you're blocked" ending in laughter and such... it was a response to something I posted elsewhere. She basically did to me what I do to others. It made me laugh. I enjoy such interactions.

Insecurity, we all have it. Some of us just do something about it and find ways to overcome it.



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:41:14 AM)

Mine are educated,smart young women not known for making mistakes,their mail box is open to all seeking friendship only .NO I don't need their password for my trust in then far surpasses their trust in me...Now thats saying alot in a nutshell...



Justme696 -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:43:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BOUNTYHUNTER

Mine are educated,smart young women not known for making mistakes,their mail box is open to all seeking friendship only .NO I don't need their password for my trust in then far surpasses their trust in me...Now thats saying alot in a nutshell...


yeah that I find weird too
"My MAster checks al my email"
So what ...doesn't he trust you? Does he come over when I mail you because I liked your journal posts?
I guess people make journal posts to get a response. (else buy a diary)



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:46:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
So, I guess I'm just curious as to why someone would order something like this if they are secure with themselves and with theirs; I'm also a little baffled as to why someone would miss out on another's opinion just because of that person's sex...

Neither of my boys ever had restrictions about who they could speak to on CM. I do, however, require Fox to get permission, or have whomever wants to talk to him off CM ask for permission to do so, before he is allowed to move to IMs. Angel had a similiar restriction about IMs andthe phone, since he was more the type that likes to call someone and have company when he went out for walks.
My reasons for limiting the other conversations is based on prior history. Fox has had several people tak to him on here very nicely and properly, and then change once they went to IMs. Between the attempts to have him serve online since I was ovbiously not keeping him occupied, to constant questioning about why he was with me, we decided that I needed to make sure anyone he was with knew in no uncertain terms that he was taken and not looking to play.
Angel had a list of people he could safely call and I didnt have to worry about what was talked about. He had others who had proven themselves untrustworthy becasue as soon as he had time to chat they asked him to do things that were completely inapropriate to a platonic conversation walking around campus.
Fox was told to put his need for permission into his profile simply because some of the ones he spoke with acted surprised and insulted he told them he needed it to move to IMs after a conversation and thought it was a personal accusation aimed at them, and not a general policy.

I am not concerned, I just prefer to keep the boys from being put into uncomfortable positions by women and men that do not seem to know how to keep things platonic. Fox had the same sort of issue with real life friends who didnt approveof our relationship and I stepped in there as well, to make sure he was not put in a bad situation more than the first time he saw it happening.

DV



CreativeDominant -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:48:13 AM)

This is one of those subjects that seems to come up every once in awhile.

I think that for some dominants and some submissives, the issue of their "other" receiving cmail from other parties or not does have to do with jealousy.  I think that for some D and s types, it fits into their dynamic and is one more area of control, whether jealousy and trust are at the heart of the issue or not (and from what has been said on here, jealousy and trust are not a part of it as much as the control factor is).

I'm on the side of "I really don't worry about cmail, unless it is of the demanding, rude, or stalking-type" category.  I figure that if I am going to enter into a relationship with a submissive, one of the things that has to be there for both of us is trust.  I know trust is built over time so some level of control over almost every aspect of her life is part of the beginning for me but one of the first areas of control to drop off is email control.  

There are several reasons behind this for me.  Disclaimer...these are my reasons and the way I think.  It is not meant to be a reflection or a deliberate flame of anyone who has read this or will read this as these thoughts are general in relation to others and specific only to me and mine.
One reason, as noted, is trust.  I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust and yes, I have heard the line "I trust him/her...it is other people I don't trust".  Why?  What are they going to do...reach out and fondle him/her through the mail?
I trust my partner to be intelligent enough to deal with trolls and level enough emotionally to handle whatever distress might be caused by a random (note the term "random) rude, lewd, or crude come-on.  Given my proclivity for D/s and BDSM and sexuality and flirting, I am well aware of the innuendo of some of the emails I have sent through the years BUT I am also aware that I have always respected boundaries and that most of the email any of my former submissives ever got was along the same lines, as they were all somewhat flirtatious themselves.  When someone crossed a line, the submissive let them know.  If they continued, then they were blocked.   
Finally, there is the cynicism factor, fed ironically enough by some of my more spiritual learnings:  What will be, will be.  Yes, everyone has an active role to play in their own life and I play my own role in mine.  But as much as you can control a person...their behavior, their spirit, their mind, the hardest thing to control is their heart.  If the person is of such a nature that they are inclined to cheat on you, then they are going to do so.  They may blame you...oh, you should have kept a tighter rein on me...and to some extent, they may be right;  after all, control is one aspect of the dominant/submissive spectrum.  But...they are an adult and, as discussed on here in many other forms, responsible for her own behavior, her own choices.  Now, I can do things to set up an environment that makes her feel as if it is O.K. to "step out"/make her want to cheat and that is on me but the choice to do so or not is hers.   If the only way I can keep a submissive in line is by constant monitoring of her behavior, I don't want the trouble.   Any submissive of mine knows that, if I ask, I expect to be able to read her email.  But I am also aware that, if SHE chooses to do so, she can set up an account that I will never know about.  I do my best to keep things open and honest and the paths of communication open so that she can speak to me of a burgeoning interest in someone and I do my best to create an atmosphere wherein she feels secure and loved and wanted and safe and happy and nurtured and guided.   



Luciferica -> RE: Are doms so insecure... (4/8/2008 7:55:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuffkinks

                                                                         This has been discussed many times here already. [sm=beatdeadhorse.gif]
                                                                                         (LA...Where are you?)

I started out with My little girl's mailbox open to all who want to send. We've been together for just over two years now and we do want to make more friends in the lifestyle. But when she was getting rude, offensive e-mails one after another, it eventually started to upset her. I had to step in. I see that as part of My responsibilty.
 It started out that I would read her "blue" mail first, delete the garbage and leave anything of value. But that got old fast. Just too much of the same rude, offensive crap, over and over. So now, all her "blue" mail is sent to her bulk folder. She is not to go into her bulk folder. I read the "blue" mail and if there is anything of value there I will inform her.
Am I insecure? Hardly. Do I trust her? Absolutely. But why would I want her to be upset and waste her time and energy fending off countless requests, offers, and even demands from people? (Mostly male, but there have been some females to rank up there in the rude department as well.) That's time and energy that can and should be spent doing what she does best...serving Me. Her profile clearly states who she belongs to and what anyone can do to get a message to her. Anyone with something interesting to say can always write to Me.
Flame away if you will. I don't see this changing any time soon.


This makes perfect sense, in fact, sometimes I wish my sub would swap places and field all the yucky E-mail I get on here!



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