Pyrrsefanie
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Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LotusSong
So many say they have had life experiences that caused them to grow up quickly and feel that is a good basis for when they delve into the BDSM world of FemDom. What type of experiences are you referring to?
LotusSong, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you truly are attempting to be open-minded here, despite what I've seen from you previously. We all have our lapses in judgement -- it is part of being human, and for that, I forgive you.
When I talk about growing up quickly, I'm talking about gaining a certain sense of maturity that I feel most 20-year-olds (I'm referring to the ones who are more interested in drinking till they puke and blowing all of their cash on various accoutrements for their cars) lack. Emotional maturity is key for submissives AND dominants, in my opinion. A dominant must be able to stay in control of herself at all times, and confront situations as they come at her -- she should be responsible and mature enough to not react or punish out of anger, and also be strong enough so as to be something of a "rock" or "foundation," if you will, for her submissive.
So let's break it down by some of the common arguments I've seen.
First of all, financial situations. It's true that most young people are not in the most wonderful place in the world, financially. Part of this is due to the fact that many are still working on their degrees to unlock the "big bucks" someday, and some are legitimately bad at managing their money or choose to spend it on frivolous items instead of saving it up for life on their own. Financial dominance is not really my cup of tea, though I do understand that there are some out there who prefer to be the ones in control of the household's money or to be the breadwinner -- this is not part of my boy's and my relationship dynamic, so I honestly believe that this argument does not entirely apply to me. We are two parts of a whole, and those two parts are currently shoving their noses in books and working themselves as hard and as honestly as they can in order to bring home the proverbial bacon and financially maintain our household together. Keep in mind that our plans for the future revolve around marriage, which I fully acknowledge cannot be said for all D/s relationships (and there is nothing wrong with that), so amidst all the kink, the boy and I try to also function on the basis of a regular relationship, many principles of which can be applied to a D/s relationship and vice versa. To sum up this lovely chunk of text, we are two young people who are excellent at managing our money, never late on a bill payment, have a rather nice home to call our own, and still have money left over at the end of the month to eat to our hearts' content.
Being homeless when I was a teenager thanks to my mother's mismanagement of her own finances has also given me a real-world view of things -- if you are foolish with your money, if you rely completely on another person to put a roof over your head and pay for your food, then there is a very good chance you will end up in trouble and unable to support yourself, let alone do your part in a joint household.
Despite her financial woes (due in part to a fairly brief mental breakdown after the death of her brother, might I add, and also teaching me the importance of maintaining emotional control), my mother is also a dominant. I discovered D/s thanks to the wonders of the Intarwebz on my own around age 12 or 13, but did not at that time fully understand it. One day while wandering into my mother's office I noticed her in a chat room with some very familiar words, and blurted out "Mom, you know about BDSM?" She about fell out of her chair. After that day she sat me down and informed me that it was something I was much too young to worry about, and to come to her later in life, but NOT to let anyone skew my perspective of it before then.
Around age sixteen I found myself interested in boys, and more importantly, sex. I had still been poking around on some sites after the rest of my family would go to bed (one of which was the Castle Realm -- I know, I know, har har, but it truly could have been much worse) and doing my own research. The desires to implement these things I had been reading about were still running strong within me, so one morning I knocked on my mother's door and told her I was ready to have that discussion.
It lasted for several hours. She never went into descriptions of toys or anything sexual like that, but instead explained to me the emotional and psychological side of D/s. That submission was a gift, not to be toyed with. That dominance was a responsibility. That none of these things were to be taken lightly or exploited for selfish purposes. And yes, before anyone asks, this was after she had recovered from her "incident."
So at an early age I had a firmer grasp on D/s than just "hahahaha I tied you up and stuck it in your butt, lick my boots." Interestingly enough I started as a submissive, which I feel gave me a deeper insight into how a submissive's mind works, and gave me a good measuring stick as to what was pushing the limits. To this day I still operate on the principle that if it is something I would absolutely never allow to be done to me regardless of the circumstances, I will not do it to my boy, nor expect him to allow me to. I stick by safe, sane, and consensual. If I do not feel that I'm in an emotional place that is healthy for me to be scening with my boy, I will pick up a book, curl up on the couch, and drown my sorrows in literature until I'm damn sure I've recovered. So far my track record with acting too harshly out of emotion is a big fat goose-egg; I've never done it, and I am confident in my ability to handle my emotions appropriately.
Confidence was another part of the growing process for me that did not come right away, and I feel that this is why I adopted a submissive role to begin with. As time went on and I became more comfortable in my own skin... underwent a few abusive relationships that taught me the hard way about ignoring red flags and warning signs... realized that I did not need to be in another person's grasp in order to exist, I became self-sufficient and self-confident. The need to submit, for me, had faded away, and now I was feeling the urge to pick up the proverbial whip for myself.
As an aspiring domina I abhorred toys and props. In my opinion, a good domina does not need any tangible objects with which to assert her dominance and power, simply the tone of her voice and the look in her eye (and of course, a proper and healthy mentality). Furthermore, I was just plain uncomfortable using some of them, and couldn't bear the thought of accidentally hurting my boy or anyone else I might happen to be playing with. Before I ever picked up a single toy I researched all that I could about safe usage. I attended demonstrations by well-reputed members of my local community. I even handed my boy, who has previously been dominant himself and has a wealth of experience in proper usage of accessories, a few of them and said "Here's your get-out-of-jail-free card. Do this to me." in the event that it involved a toy I had never used during my submissive days.
I also thought ahead enough to get my first aid certification renewed, just in case of emergency. I've carried a CPR certification card in my wallet since I was fifteen and a Police Explorer.
I apologize that I've gotten off the topic at hand -- I tend to write in a stream-of-consciousness style and explore every possible angle so as to avoid any misunderstandings.
As far as my emotional maturity goes, and what may have caused me to develop that quickly... without getting into too many specifics, I did not have an easy childhood. I was abused sexually, emotionally, mentally, and physically by my biological father. I was an outcast at school because of my high IQ and discomfort in large groups, unwillingness to go along with the crowd without first thinking it through rather than following blindly because it was "cool," and honestly... I think they sensed that all was not well at home. Children can be cruel.
When you are young, and have nowhere to turn for comfort... you learn to become self-sufficient in that respect. School is no escape when you're beaten on the playground just as bad as you are at home. There are no friends' houses to go to because you're the weird girl that no one likes. In my case, even many of my teachers thought I was strange, and made it quite clear that I could not turn to them for help with my problems (I remember being pushed into a group of desks by the class bully so hard that my hip bruised to the point where I could not walk for a couple of days from the pain, and the teacher who watched it happen just scolded me, telling me that if I tried to fit in more, maybe these things wouldn't happen to me.), so I had no choice but to deal with things on my own.
A typical child would cry and pitch a fit; I would take a deep breath and go about finding ways to solve problems on my own, although I'm still never afraid to ask advice or questions, especially when it concerns my relationship with my boy. The tools may be placed in front of you, but it's up to you to pick them up and make the right decision.
I dominate because the desire to do so resonates from deep within me. I crave that trust, love, and respect that my boy and I have for each other, which is on a level that a vanilla relationship, from my experience, cannot even touch (even during my kinky years I had a few 'nilla relationships). I am honored to accept his gift of submission to me, his gift of showing me his utmost vulnerability and deferrence, and in turn I am determined to protect him and guide him the best that I can through our life together.
Of course this entire argument is a moot point for me... I never call myself "Mistress," nor do I allow my boy to. I hate that word with a passion.
< Message edited by Pyrrsefanie -- 4/10/2008 9:41:53 PM >
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Ти саркастична, це – доля,
Ти артистична в неволі,
Ти симпатична в цій ролі,
Ти синтетична до болю
Read my series, Taking Jessica, on http://www.akashaweb.com !
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RE: how can a 21 year old woman call herself a mistress ? - 
i dont get the submissive feeling for someone that young ..i guess i just associate mistress with a older woman who has earned the right to call herself one over time ..25 maybe ...21 dont think so ..but every person is different in how mature they are and what their life experiences they have ..Ms Ladypact ..like some of your answers ..we do think alike in some matters 
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) is that mystifying titles has nothing to do with relationship mechanics. I don't think of myself as a better man because I own a slave; my slave may think of me as a great man, but that's not the reason that I own her. I own her, because she makes me happy. In it's essence, this is the very purpose of having any relationship. To assert that one must attain a specific milestone or marker to have 'earned' the title Mistress/Master from the community degrades the true purpose of the word; to allow the submissive who uses it to show the respect they have for their owner, be that owner 18 or 80. 
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