Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 7:19:30 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		From the posts I have read so far, I see you have responces from the best of us.  The problem here is that I have been through this all my life.  You need to learn how to cope with that because eventually it will come out in the wrong place such as work or with someone you love.
Someone you will love in the future will be terrified.  I think Anger Management is bull.  I think counseling is the way to go with this.  Check around, and many community ministries offer anger counseling on a pay scale. 
Please if not for youself, do it for your future wife and children.
 
Regards, MissSCD

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I'm not a very angry guy. I tend to laugh and smile a lot. I pride myself on being for the most part, level-headed and having a pretty long fuse.

However, like all human beings who experience emotion, I experience anger in various circumstances in varying degrees. Sometimes I get a little angry and easily deal with it. Other times I get really angry and I have to take more drastic measures to keep myself on an even keel.

The worst case scenario is when my emotional trigger is hit. Whenever I am pushed into a position where I am being bullied, forced, restrained, controlled and all in all, "backed into a corner", I get really really angry.

I explode into a ball of rage.

I go on the motherfucking warpath.

For example, one night, my roommate and I got into a little tussle over doing dishes and we both happen to be equally as stubborn, hard-headed and determined to get our way. Things escalated a bit and through his own actions, whether he was aware or not, he triggered that "trapped in a corner" type feeling with me.

Next, I was stomping around the house, spewing obscenities, and moving each stack of dishes, one by one, from the cupboards to the closet in my room, yelling back down the stairs with each trip "LET'S SEE YOU DIRTY MY DISHES AND NOT WASH THEM NOW, @#*@$#**#!"

The next morning I awoke to a closet filled with the majority of my kitchen's content, wondering how the hell I managed to act like such an idiot LOL.

However, the point I am getting at is these kind of incidents are very rare. I can count them all on both hands with some fingers to spare. With self awareness, I know about this trigger and can take steps to avoid it.

But when we talk about anger, it always seems to be synonymous with a loss of control and therefore something we should stay away from and never ever touch.

I don't entirely agree with this.

I consider anger to be very much like lust and sexual arousal. Just like I can control my own sexual arousal when stimulated and keep from fucking someone in the middle of a train station, there has been many many times when I have gotten angry and kept it under control.

I've even managed to use it to constructive ends. The best workouts in a gym I have ever had were when I was angry.

Then there is the real point of this thread...the fact I find it to be downright hot, sexy, and erotic. I absolutely love to get a little riled up and include that emotion during sex. It adds a powerful and intense energy that is just downright "HOT".

Has anyone else included the element of anger in their play, scening, or sex with positive results?


(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 7:28:08 AM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Personally I don't think that anger is a productive emotion when interacting with a person.  To me, it is a trigger, a motivator to get something resolved, but I tend to think that one has to get past the anger in order to resolve the issue, to be open minded.  Anger is a fight or flight response.  Of course, like you said, it has varying degrees of intensity, and they aren't all destructive, but anger and the fight or flight response are somewhat like injecting a drug into your brain at various doses. It is a flood of neurotransmitters that interfere with your normal reasoning and judgement, make one defensive and selfish, not conducive to communication.  That said, yeah, it can be really fucking hot, because anger, fear, and sexual arousal are all closely entwined, physically and chemically, in your brain via the sympathetic nervous system.

The brain stuff is fact, the judgements on the productivity of anger are my opinion.

~ Tigrita, a recovering neuroscientist

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 7:39:52 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

  I can't think of the term shrinks use, transferance isn't it but when you have anger in one place and misdirect it out another place. 


If I'm not mistaken, the term you're looking for is 'displacement.'

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 7:57:33 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		I'm of the opinion that control is a big part of WIITWD. Control tends to be in opposition of anger. However what may be at issue, once again, is a common definition. Anger comes in many forms and is a product of outside influence. Frustration, pain, work or living environment, or just the feeling of the world around you being overwhelming or out of your control can trigger anger. Anger should have an outlet. However anger associated with WIITWD has too much potential to turn into abuse to be helpful.

I believe the reason for this is that its selfish. Sure, the Dom/Master is the poster child for selfishness however there's another or others involved by definition. It may be the ultimate selfishness to use a sub/slave as an outlet for anger; but there is no long term benefit without control. Post anger, you may end up regretting. Regret can lead to doubt, doubt is contrary to trust, without trust - there is no relationship. You'll wonder why your partner looks differently and why. Just think of the WIITWD version of your emotional angry outburst with your roommate. Would you be able to face them the next day?

Of course, "I'm sorry." isn't exclusionary to the vocabulary of a Dominant, but in this instance you lost control. Again, not exclusionary to being a Dominant, but better to say, "I'm sorry for being angry and throwing a plate across the room last night", than saying "I'm sorry you being angry and caused you to need stitches from the single tail I used on your back last night." 

You identify emotions of passion as 'anger'. Trust me being "riled up" and emotional is almost always present. Yet as an outlet for anger I think your other example of physical exertion serves it better. A physical outlet for emotional anger is a Psych 101 construct. There are a lot of better outlets than a submissive/slave who's value is obvious by the effort required to find and maintain a relationship with a compatible, complimentary, one.

PS...
 
WELCOME BACK FROM YOUR ADMINISTRATIVE SABBATICAL M.R. !!
Good to see you posting!
 
BE GOOD!
 

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 8:20:12 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I try not to get mad but rather to get even.  Sometimes an acceptable recompense is corporal punishment.  In those instances, the results are very positive and the anger and humiliation factors make things very spicy.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 8:41:26 AM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have always had a volatile temper. I have managed to control it quite well in the past few decades. However, when I started dealing with the Department of Social Services, I found myself unable to conclude a telephone conversation with any 'case worker' (glorified clerk) without screaming or, many times, hanging up on them. I would then look around for something to pound on or throw that wouldn't break (I have never broken anything in anger - I am always aware that I might not be able to fix it). I had to school myself, before dialing the phone, to be prepared for ignorance, ineptitude, and incompetence - to be ready to breathe deeply and slowly when I ran into deliberate misunderstanding or bullheadedness. I discovered that the frustration and fear (that I would lose benefits or not be able to get the care I needed) would send my blood sugar sky-high.

I still cry and sometimes shout when the computer doesn't do what I think it should, but I try to keep things quiet so nobody else notices.

As for anger and sex? When I'm angry, I don't want to 'take it out' on anyone. I want to be held, cuddled, stroked, told that even though those idiots at DSS don't care who I am, someone cares about me and loves me. I certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of 'angry sex.'

pip, oooooooommmmmmmm

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 8:43:56 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		for me, anger really is that bad...i've spent my entire life doing things so that one person or another doesn't get angry, i will not engage in a relationship like that...that being said, i understand that people get angry...i just need someone that has enough control over themselves to not lash out at me in anyway - harmful, potentially arousing (though for me there isn't anything arousing about an angry person, i need a person who enjoys hurting me, not one that needs to get angry to do so), physical or verbal...and i am doing my damnedest to try and change my anger responses...last night didn't go so well with that, but my Owner did not respond in anger, but he did make me remove myself from the situation till i could calm down and then we talked about what happened...if he had done anything else with it, our relationship would probably be over (cause thats kind of what i said while i was raging)...i guess he knows what he's doing...

le sigh...
chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 8:50:49 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I was kind of worried about posting this, because as usual the armchair psychologist brigade is out with a lot of assumptions and projections.

A few thoughts after reading this....

1. The incidents and different examples I provided are not connected..

2. I never said "I took my anger out on a submissive." That's a leap a lot of people are making. I mean in the context where I purposefully rile myself up and make myself a little angry to add a hot element to sex. There is different kinds of anger people, just like there is different kinds of love. Think outside the box.

3. Just because I have lost my temper a handful of times scattered through out the course of the 24 years I have been on this planet doesn't equate to some deep seated psychological neurosis requiring therapy. In fact, nobody in my personal life has ever recommended that I needed therapy or anger counselings. Amazingly, the only people who have ever mentioned it are the anonymous Internet entities diagnosing me in this thread. I will have to take that with a little grain of salt.

4. I'm not exactly a walking timebomb. These incidents where I lost my temper weren't a result of someone simply saying "Boo" to me. They were a reaction to serious aggression, a lot of testerone, and a "push-to-shove, in your face" attitude.

5 The only incident where rage led to me physically assaulting someone was when someone physically assaulted me and attempted to pin me down and restrain me.

Edited to Add : Emotional Trigger is probably not the best choice of words. I'm just a fighter. It's part of my nature. When someone gets up in my face, points their finger at me, and tells me to do X, my initial reaction is to growl and tell them to "Fuck off!"

It's cost me a few jobs with some headstrong chefs in the past lol.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 4/11/2008 9:10:00 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 8:52:25 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Way to pour cold water all over your opening statement...!
 
Being in denial is one thing; but you're actually sanitising your position with examples of your defacto anger management techniques et al....??   And the coup de grace - anger is a good thing; hell, it's "downright hot, sexy, and erotic"...!!!
 
Yikes!
 
Focus.


Hey buddy,

I know I've made you look really silly a few times on these boards.

I know it's really hard for your ego to take that which leads you to following me around on threads, waiting to twist my words around and say something derogatory.

But the adults are trying to have a serious discussion here, ok?

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 9:12:46 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i've dealt with far too many people in my life who use anger as a way to manipulate and get their own way for it to ever feel erotic or sexy to me.

That being said i will say that having a dom who pushed my buttons, purposefully, to get me angry during a scene was a very liberating and releasing experience for me.  i had  been with someone for years who wanted me very controlled emotionally, who wanted to almost dictate to me what emotion i was feeling.  Needless to say this can be a difficult and frustrating state of being.  When i was with someone new i had no clue how to feel, might sound strange but when you look to please someone to the extent that you want to even give them your emotions, when you're left on your own it's hard to understand what you feel.  The new dom used anger to release me from this prison i found myself in.  Once i realized he wanted to get me angry, and to express that anger and i let loose... wow. 

Outside of scening i don't like feeling anger or being around angry people.  Anger frightens me.  i don't find much constructive about it unless it can be controlled and it motivates one to make changes.  Anger not expressed or channeled imo is responsible for many afflictions like depression, obesity, high blood pressure etc

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 9:18:15 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		For me anger equals silence at first. Every damn time i have acted out of anger i have said/something i regret. I require a cooling off period.

I do agree with the OP that anger can and often is constructive. It is a fantastic motivator.


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 9:27:23 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I almost never get really angry. Occasionally pissy, but rarely really angry.

If I do, something usually gets really clean. Garage, house or barn. Depends on if there is another person involved and where they are. If they are in the house, the barn or the garage gets it. If they just happen to own the motorcycle that is in the garage, the barn gets it. If they are outside and own the motorcycle, the house gets it.

Basically, I distance myself from the other party and use that energy for good rather than evil. Unless of course, the offending party deserves the evil.......then all bets are off. I start making phone calls and you can bet someone is going to suffer.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 9:29:37 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I like to play with anger, both his and mine.  I love when he's playing with me and it makes me angry.  It usually means we are on our way to breaking down some barriers.  If he hits me when he is 'a little angry' I find it extremely hot.  

But the timing for all that has to be right.  After an argument, when I'm on my period and my emotions are on a rollercoaster, when we haven't seen each other for awhile, those are not appropriate times to do it because I feel like our connection is not as strong.

It doesn't sound like you have anger management problems to me.  It's human to have those rare instances where you blow up.  With an anger problem, I would think you'd blow up more frequently with less provocation.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to MissSCD)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 10:00:08 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I never said trigger to the point of loss of control.
I said the nearer to, the rawer the emotion the more I get off on it. That's just me.
I signal a limit not just as my own limit (ie I can't take anymore) but to put an end tp what is being done to me.
So; when I sense that loss of control near in a Dominant I signal. I guess it's true then, that to that extaent the submissive is in control.
I have only ever, and I stress this again and again. I have only ever experienced wanton anger in vanilla relationship. That to me, when a domiant-natured-person-is-being-abusive is when there is, never was and never would be an understnding of limits.
I have only once allowed no limits and he had an instinctual undertsanding of what my limits were during a scene. Pity though as that came to an end over ireeconcilable relaities regarding emotionl committment and promiscuity instead of poly.
But bottom line is: I truly admire domiants who USE their anger and channel in controlled ways. That to be is sublime sophistication.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to TysGalilah)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 10:02:40 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I start making phone calls and you can bet someone is going to suffer.


Now that's hot. Would you like my mobile number?


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 10:35:13 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
I try not to get mad but rather to get even. 


isn't vengeance born from anger/hate?

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 11:11:16 AM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes it's just fun to get even...

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 11:37:01 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Has anyone else included the element of anger in their play, scening, or sex with positive results?



I go cold when I get angry - I detach myself from the situation and go inward (as opposed to people like yourself that go outward and do a lot of physical things like throwing, yelling, etc) so angry sex is never good sex for me (I've had it).

I am curious about one thing though - you use an example of getting really angry and seem to indicate levels of anger - which level of anger are you referring to in terms of angry sex/scening?  Because if I used your example of anger as an indicator of how you act when you are angry it doesn't sound like you are in control at all.  Statements like the ones below don't exactly sound like someone in control of their anger nor someone that I would feel safe exploring angry sex/play with:
  • I explode into a ball of rage.
  • I go on the motherfucking warpath.
  • The next morning I awoke to a closet filled with the majority of my kitchen's content, wondering how the hell I managed to act like such an idiot LOL.
C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 11:49:52 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I was kind of worried about posting this, because as usual the armchair psychologist brigade is out with a lot of assumptions and projections. 


You just lost points with me...

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? - 4/11/2008 12:49:24 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I don't get mad, I get nasty.

I'll listen to the excuses for a while and then go back point by point over how someone screwed up. I'll even admit my own part in it. Which usually makes it even worse-since I already owned it-and they are probably trying the denial route.

I'll keep hammering like the stubborn asshole that I am, until it gets through that I am not going to budge. Then I will ask what they intend to do to correct the situation-so it will never happen again.

Being a sadist is fun.

But be angry while I do it? No, it would totally destroy the focus that I need to wield the knife.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 4/11/2008 12:51:19 PM >

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Anger: Is it really all that bad? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125