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What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 6:39:56 PM   
awakenednj


Posts: 657
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline 		So if a Dom-type is silent or changes the subject anytime the sub-type tries to bring up what she finds to be a serious point (I mean trying to tell him that something he is doing may be affecting her a lot more than he realizes in a very negative way) what can that silence possibly mean? Posing this exact question gets... you guessed it... more silence. He does not show himself to be the kind that breaks his toys, if you'll pardon the expression. But I am baffled. In my mind I am thinking how can I trust him completely if he won't talk to me'.

If there are any Masters who have used this tactic what were you trying to communicate? (and I would dearly love to continue thinking it's done purposefully.. cause the other options- cant handle the questions or just not paying attention- would bring me to leave him)

So before I completely jump to my less happy conclusions... I thought I'd ask... have gotten some very useful answers to my other questions... Heres hoping I will again.
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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 6:47:16 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Been there.  Done that.  My advice is to walk away.

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 7:06:58 PM   
lilacs


Posts: 46
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

Silence concerns me... however what concerns me more is that you say he changes the subject when you voice a concern that an action is having a negative impact on you.

To me what it says is that (for some reason) the person is not able to really give themselves to a relationship at the time.  Without being in the situation, it is hard to say why, but it could be a huge variety of things - from committment-phobic to other life stressors.  Whether it will be worth it or not to wait it out is up to you.  I wish you the best.

< Message edited by lilacs -- 4/11/2008 7:07:50 PM >

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 7:28:30 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline 		Fast Reply:

He does not want to hear it... he does not give a crap your concerns.

Ah but, he is 'the Domly', so tough noogies to you.

He is not beong open, honest nor caring with you.

Unless this was pre-negotiated and/or dictated and accepted by you up-front,
--- that *H*e need not even acknowledge your concerns ---
then this fellow is just some opportunist, and there is no real 'future' there.

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 7:33:33 PM   
awakenednj


Posts: 657
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline 		No- this was certainly not negotiated up front, and was certainly NOT part of my expectations... granted this is still very new to me... but...

I guess part of my expectations was that if I'm doing something wrong he'd, well, tell me somehow? Even if it was with an un-fun punishment. This I just dont understand at all.

< Message edited by awakenednj -- 4/11/2008 7:40:13 PM >

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 7:42:40 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Could indicate that that 2 of you have different needs and wants in a relationship and therefore not compatible, been there myself and realized after a while would not work out so ended  afterward I asked some very direct questions inorder to understand ,  he wanted someone to be property without love and a lot of emotional attachment which is why there was silence or change of conversation when I starting asking questions that related to my feelings  or questioning about his feeling views in order to understand him after a while things became draining for me and like in your case it interfered with trust, he was aware of what I felt I   wanted/needed in a relationship when we first connected  but had hoped my desire to please would overcome those needs

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 7:55:21 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		It's been my experience that silence or a sudden change in subject is avoidance of the topic. He simply doesn't want to talk about it and his silence/subject change is his way of conveying that to you. Now its up to you whether you want to press the subject or move on.

Good luck,
~Lashra


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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:08:58 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
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Status: offline 		Since he obviously doesn't comment on the subject that you bring up... one would think he doesn't want to talk about it.

So if what you are dealing with is actually an issue that is having a negative affect on you and he is choosing not to talk about it or change things that are causing the issue.... then  you have a choice to make.

End the relationship... Becuase the issue will affect and harm your well-being

or... you carry on... and wait till he wants to talk about it..

You have to decide this one on your own.... Not exactly my style when dealing with any issue that is of concern for my girls..... but it does seem to be his style.

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:10:04 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
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From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		*hugs you big sweetie* 

I have been there, in my own way, and I know that my situation was hard.  It's all in what you want and are willing to deal with and for how long.  Sometimes people stay quiet for a while during the time they are processing things, but they will come around and open up and discuss the tough things.  Sometimes they might not.  I hope you Sir will be part of the former.  Best wishes to you, I know this is not easy.

~ DRH

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:10:42 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Passive agreessive avoidance is not the way to deal with an issue. Is that answer enough?

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:22:58 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		One of the things that I have identified that I need, is that my feelings are acknowledged.  Now the other person doesn't have to agree with me, and of course he doesn't have to do what I want, but acknowledgement and validation is something I cannot be without.

Silence is the opposite of acknowledgement.

Are you the same way that I am? Or can you live with it?

Cali



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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:24:34 PM   
awakenednj


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Joined: 2/10/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Passive agreessive avoidance is not the way to deal with an issue. Is that answer enough?


Yeah. it is. You are all saying what I already know but hoped i didn't. maya2001 as  avery interesting point... but if that is his aim I can't go along with it... trust is a hard-earned thing. I was really really really hoping i was wrong... and that someone would have this clouds-opening-light-coming-through post I'd never think of in a million years....

but I'm not wrong, am I...

Do you Dom-types know how hard it is to buck up the courage to say "No" to you once ya got us? Well, at least it is for me... 

Thanks for the responses so far... please keep them coming...

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:24:39 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry to hear you are having this type of problem with you relationship. It is tough to pinpoint why a Dom or even a S/O would choose silence over responding to their partner. I personally feel that giving the silent treatment can be more devestating to a relationship then a huge all out scream fest. Silence can be used to send a message of disinterst, anger, apathy, it can also be a way to state your feelings are not important and I choose not to reply. Silence can also be a way to invalidate a person's feelings as if to say "you" aren't worth my time to answer and I do not want to deal with this.

As others pointed out, he may have other concerns or he is having a tough time dealing with emotions he is facing being in a relationship, though I'm only guessing here. All relationships need a level of give and take between the people involved and when it isn't happening both suffer, Only you will know for sure if it's worth continuing to try to salvage this realtionship or break away. Either way, I wish you all the best in what choice you feel you need to do to make yourself happy.  *HUGS*


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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:33:34 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

One of the things that I have identified that I need, is that my feelings are acknowledged.  Now the other person doesn't have to agree with me, and of course he doesn't have to do what I want, but acknowledgement and validation is something I cannot be without.

Silence is the opposite of acknowledgement.

Are you the same way that I am? Or can you live with it?

Cali




Silence tells me that someone wants to have thier cake and eat it too-and that they don't even want to work for it. That shit never ever flies with me.

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:47:04 PM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Been there.  Done that.  My advice is to walk away.


Ditto to that, I would tell him adios amigos! Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Silence is not the answer, he should be comunicating with you if he cares about you.

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:49:06 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj
Do you Dom-types know how hard it is to buck up the courage to say "No" to you once ya got us? Well, at least it is for me... 

Thanks for the responses so far... please keep them coming...

Do you know how hard it is to stay true to your authority and what you feel is best for the long term of the relationship knowing full well she could be seriously deciding to end it because she can't just be patient for awhile?

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:51:30 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Silence tells me that someone wants to have thier cake and eat it too-and that they don't even want to work for it. That shit never ever flies with me.


  (yep, couldn't help myself...)

OP; There is a little voice inside you, that gets louder and louder the longer you ignore it. (unless you ignore it for too long...and then there is silence...and the "I told you so" when what it said would happen does)

Not that I know any of this from experience. I have always listened to my little voice. *nods* yep. What?!! You don't believe me? Well, there was this one time...

edited because I don't know the difference between there and their, apparently...

< Message edited by xxblushesxx -- 4/11/2008 8:52:37 PM >

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:51:58 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		The Tremeloes

Oh, don't it hurt deep inside
To see someone do something to her
Oh, don't it pain to see someone cry
Oh, especially when someone is her

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see
Silence is golden, golden
But my eyes still see

Talking is cheap, people follow like sheep
Even though there is nowhere to go
How could she tell, he deceived her so well
Pity, she'll be the last one to know

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see
Silence is golden, golden
But my eyes still see

How many times will she fall for his line
Should I tell her or should I keep cool?
And if I tried, I know she'd say I lied
Mind your business, don't hurt her, you fool

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see
Silence is golden, golden
But my eyes still see



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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:56:04 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		eh?!!

oh...ok...here's some music to go with it...hold on...

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 8:59:42 PM   
awakenednj


Posts: 657
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj
Do you Dom-types know how hard it is to buck up the courage to say "No" to you once ya got us? Well, at least it is for me... 

Thanks for the responses so far... please keep them coming...

Do you know how hard it is to stay true to your authority and what you feel is best for the long term of the relationship knowing full well she could be seriously deciding to end it because she can't just be patient for awhile?


No- I dont... and that is exactly the sort of thing I'd LIKE to know...

What about you LA- have you ever used silence with a purpose? did it work? What were you trying to get across?

I would be very happy to be patient if I was sure of him... or if he would give me some indication that he does have things well-in-hand or something like that. I did not post this after 1 day of silence.

< Message edited by awakenednj -- 4/11/2008 9:13:26 PM >

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