Lost Perfection (Full Version)

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TearCollector -> Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 1:33:38 AM)

Privately, I have messaged two individuals here to account for the crater I exist in due to the absence of my first and most important encounter in the BDSM life style. The responces were good. But did not end my misery. So I will post a publically embarrasing disclosure. Maybe that will bring some solice to my torment.

Almost a year ago today, I found this site and a very intoxicating slave. We worked through some minor challenges and I thought we were on top of the game. One day I didnt hear back from her. The silence went on for weeks. I engaged some friends at Interpole to make contact. When they did,, I recieved a depressing reply. "We need to talk".

We are friends today. Secretly I want her back but realistically I know I could never trust her again (Catch 22 of coarse). Now I have a search going on to replace her and holding candidates to an impossible standard. This obviously leads to automatic failure and continued frustration. The simple solution of coarse is to forget her. Move on. But its like trying to forget your first sex. It cant happen. So Im stuck with her influence on my ideals in this life style. No she wasnt my first sex for those of you who have monolateral thinking.

That being said, Ill get to my question. What do I do now.?

If your reply is to forget her, please save the digital space. It cant happen.

Currently, Im just hoping to bump into her on this site. Not a great plan but its something.

TearCollector



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 1:36:36 AM)

You should move on with your life, get busy, get hobbies.

Stop searching and make yourself whole again on your own. You won't be any use to anyone as long as you still exist in that "crater" of yours.

You don't have to forget anything, but you do have to find yourself before you do any finding of anyone else.



imtempting -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 2:30:06 AM)

You got dumped dude :( bit of bad luck.

Hey you have friends at interpole :D I think we should be friends :D



KatyLied -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 4:17:12 AM)

quote:

I know I could never trust her again


And you think she brings an "impossible standard"?

Forget her, move forward.



BlueDevil -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 4:41:20 AM)

quote:

Currently, Im just hoping to bump into her on this site. Not a great plan but its something.


I had one that I couldn't stop thinking about, lasted for years. Then I had a therapist tell me that I needed, no kidding, 'the happy pill'. After a year of Prozac, I never thought about the girl, and found myself standing in the middle of Walmart with my car keys in my hand with no recollection of why I'd driven there and decided to take myself off the medication. I think about her from time to time now, but, the obsession is gone.



1RottenJohnny -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 4:44:45 AM)

Tears,
I know exactly how you feel and I'm happy to offer my opinion. It may sound like bullshit but it works for me. I hope it helps.

First things first. Don't be embarrassed. Just because you're a Dom doesn't mean you're not allowed to be human. If anyone argues with that just tell them to go fuck themselves. Some of us aren't afraid to openly discuss our innermost thoughts and feelings with others. In my opinion it puts you higher up on the evolutionary ladder. Some people can only pray to be so honest or introspective.

Unfortunately nothing is going to immediately end your misery. Only time and your desire to move past it will have any effect on it at all. You will probably never forget her and you shouldn't. Use her as an example and redefine what you really want from your next partner and relationship. Keep the good, toss the bad, compromise only where you know you are willing.

Spend some time reflecting on what may have caused her to do what she did and be honest with yourself about it. You may find that there were danger signs long before this happened. If you did something stupid then acknowledge it but don't be afraid to be honest with yourself about her either. You don't have to accept the blame for everything if she deserves some of it. With that process in mind you should be able to discover some things about yourself and what you're seeking that can help with the next relationship.

I read your profile and it's pretty long but I don't think that's a bad thing. It shows you've put real thought into what you seek. In my opinion you should take whatever you might discover about yourself and try to make your profile reflect it somehow. As you refine your profile using the things you learn it becomes more and more descriptive of the "real you" and more precise about what you're really looking for. Don't be surprised if you find someone who is actually a better fit than the last one. It can happen.



KatyLied -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 4:54:05 AM)

quote:

Don't be surprised if you find someone who is actually a better fit than the last one. It can happen.


It does happen.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 4:59:25 AM)

What is Interpole?

quote:

ORIGINAL: TearCollector

I engaged some friends at Interpole to make contact. When they did,, I recieved a depressing reply. "We need to talk".




Veritasluxmea -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 5:06:43 AM)

Interpol, more formall known as ICPO-Interpol) International Criminal Police Organization, is basically an international police force, created to help national governements and policing agencies with criminal matters, as long as those criminal matters span several countries. They must remain bias you know.

For more on Interpol, check wikipedia. They have an excellent definition.



NYDiscipline -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 5:09:38 AM)

Lrodandmaster-

I believe he is referring to "Interpol" - which is the European police/intelligence conglomerate which helps coordinate the different police agencies throughout Europe.

But please correct me if I'm wrong...



Lordandmaster -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 5:09:57 AM)

So this guy had friends at Interpol track down his girlfriend? If that's the case, I can't say I'm too surprised that he hasn't been able to replace her.

I thought "Interpole" had to refer to something else.



Quivver -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 5:26:46 AM)

That impossible standard, perfection, then poof and your left aching.
Thanks for being so candid TearCollector.
To forget is impossible, the difficult thing is the moving on. Which you
have to do! Others will enter your life and your going to go on compairing
apples to oranges, I believe they call that Human. But try to quit mindfucking
yourself. It's clear she wasnt perfect, maybe so in many ways, but something
inside wasnt what was sold. Try to always remember that part that was faulty
when those areas that glow begin to overshadow. One more thing . . . .
enjoy the friendship, yet build others with a clear head.

I'll wish you the best of luck....
Q



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 6:02:30 AM)

Hello TearCollector,

It's always difficult to lose someone that had such a significant effect on your life. You need not forget that person, but always celebrate the happiness and love that you two shared. Those memories will forever be in your mind. There is nothing wrong with seeking a person that shares the qualities and characteristics that you loved in your former slave, but trying to find an exact clone of her would be difficult. It's human nature to compare individuals to some extent, but also realizing that each person is unique and can offer something different is important. It's difficult to do, but going into new situations without any expectations or conditions allows you to experience the situation in a new light. Pay attention to how that new person makes you feel instead of imposing standards on her.

I also agree with Quivver. Sometimes we want something so badly that we don't see the parts that aren't working well. If it had been a "perfect" situation, it would have been perfect.

I wish you luck in your search,
Julie



Evanesce -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 8:01:50 AM)

quote:

We are friends today. Secretly I want her back but realistically I know I could never trust her again (Catch 22 of coarse). Now I have a search going on to replace her and holding candidates to an impossible standard.


If you cannot trust her, it's not an impossible standard. If she could so easily disappear from your life without a trace, that's not an impossible standard. If the two of you were so right for each other, she'd be yours right now and we'd not be having this conversation.

I went through this almost six years ago. The only man I'd ever loved ripped the very heart from my chest and crushed it beneath his heel, and I felt I'd never survive the pain of that breakup. I was still in mourning when I met Master some four months later, and not looking for another "relationship" at the time. But time does heal. I still think about that man from time to time, and part of me still misses what seemed to me to be so very perfect. But it wasn't perfect. If it had been, he'd be with me now, and I'm thinking my life probably would not be as good as it is now.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 9:28:51 AM)

I had a similar situation to Denise, from the other side. I never imagined that I could be betrayed on so many levels. I actually took a year off from playing, to protect any poor sub male who might inadvertantly trip my trigger.

I still miss the good parts---which were very real. But every time he sends me a stalkery email (which he still does, occasionally) I KNOW that better things are all around me, and I will find another centurion.

Sometimes it's better to cut all ties, and not try to preserve anything besides public cordiality.

Francine



Faramir -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 9:33:43 AM)

This may not be what you want to hear, but:

Publicly crying about how some girl kicked you in the nuts so hard you lost them isn't doing anything expect picking your scab and making you look like a complete pussy. We become what we practice: you playing the hurt little bitch makes you more and more the hurt little bitch. What you are making yourself is completely repuslive to submissive women in general. Hell, vanilla women pretty much want a guy who responds to adversity by dusting themself off and trying again, not dribbling little tears down their face as they whine about how so and so broke their heart.

So dude, ya some girl cut your balls off - that sucks. Everyone of us has had something like that happen. Either complete the transformation and offer yourself as a boyslave, or find your fucking sack and act like a man.

-Your friend, Faramir.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 9:42:49 AM)

Who gave you that speech, Faramir? It sounds like the kind of thing people get on the receiving end as an adolescent, and then repeat on the giving end 20 years later. It's the "keep kicking them until they stand up and become a man" theory of emotional development.



JustaTop -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 9:45:15 AM)

He's a Marine officer,what do you expect?

I guess he thinks EVERYONE is just another newbie recruit.[:'(]



LadiesBladewing -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 9:49:06 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TearCollector

Now I have a search going on to replace her and holding candidates to an impossible standard. This obviously leads to automatic failure and continued frustration. The simple solution of coarse is to forget her. Move on. But its like trying to forget your first sex. It cant happen. So Im stuck with her influence on my ideals in this life style. No she wasnt my first sex for those of you who have monolateral thinking.

That being said, Ill get to my question. What do I do now.?

TearCollector


The first thing that you do is spend some time working on yourself, grieving (yes--this is a loss, and like any other loss, it needs time for grief to work its way through), and planning what you want your life to look like. If you don't use this time to work on yourself, sort through what went wrong with the previous relationship, and get a clear picture of your goals, you run the risk of running right from one bad situation into another. If you can't sort it out on your own, there is nothing wrong with getting in touch with a local mentor, a close friend with whom you are comfortable sharing your questions, or even a lifestyle-friendly counselor, to help you find your way through everything that is going on in your mind and emotions and to help you see clearly what your goals are and help you gain perspective on how you might meet them. This is not the end of the world...it just feels that way.

When that is done (perhaps in a year or two) you'll be on the right track to start looking again. Don't be surprised if your standards are high and you have a bit of difficulty in finding people who meet those standards. We lost 2 members of our family who were strong, wise, loving, and deeply loved. Our lives haven't been the same since, and can't be, since these two men were unique--however, when we started looking again (it took us 4 years), we started looking for qualities that would lend balance to our household. It is hard not to try to replace the person who has been lost, but since each person is unique, once someone is gone, we can never replace that person exactly. Think about what qualities you want to see embodied in the person you are looking for, and focus on those things. If someone doesn't fit, there is no shame in saying that it is a poor fit -- but it might also be good to evaluate the individual, and see if the -seeds- of the qualities you seek are there, and whether they might be nurtured to be more apparent.

Third -- be willing to take your time. You won't find the perfect submissive companion in a week, or a month. You may find people who -seem- right, but it takes time to build a relationship and to make sure that it is a good fit for both of you. Most people won't be able to go from meeting to married in a week or two, but that is what we expect to happen with D/s relationships, and that amazes me, since a D/s relationship can touch on things that are much more deeply entrenched than the patterns of everyday life.

Feel free to drop me a line.

Lady Zephyr



brightspot -> RE: Lost Perfection (10/10/2005 10:06:00 AM)

quote:

We are friends today. Secretly I want her back but realistically I know I could never trust her again (Catch 22 of coarse). Now I have a search going on to replace her and holding candidates to an impossible standard.


Do you really want to stop your obsession with this woman and move on???

Then I think your best bet is to Not be friends right now. Cut off all contact with this woman...All Contact! You will not let go of your fantasies when you put yourself in a position to titalate yourself when in her presense.

During this time, think and work on only you. To become the best person and canidate to find a woman who can dedicate herself to you and want to remain there.
One where the trust won't be so easily broken, and a heart taken for granted.
I would go out on a limb to say she is aware of your "secret" feelings and get's off on it
somehow, maybe she has a sadistic side?

Like someone before me said...If she were perfection for you, there would be no problems and this thread would be moot.

*Brightspot



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